Nothisgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 So something interesting happened last night and I'd really like some feedback I posted before about going NC but that let's about a week until I caved. Since then he's been more attentive than ever and actually suggesting dates in our home town (sooo dangerous) and asking again about vacations, talking more about when he leaves and us living together...he's even detailed to me what he wants our wedding day to look like and how he is excited by the possibility of proposing properly as with his W he was young and their families pretty much orchestrated the whole thing (European culture). He has always been loving and consistent...there are no restrictions on when we talk but I feel like he's really upped the ante..almost like he's trying to prove to me that he's serious about me. Anyways, last night I saw him and I felt...nothing. Like numb. He was being loving and romantic (verbally and physically) and it almost irritated me. He asked me what was wrong and stated he felt like I was pulling away but I brushed it off as being tired until I really started to think about it... Is this normal? Is it me getting fed up? I mean I've been thinking a lot and at this point he's just a lot of talk and no action. Did anyone ever feel like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Secret Advisor Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 This would be a good time to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Hmmm perhaps the thrill is gone on your part or... There not much of a challenge to the A anymore. I could be wrong but I'd take those feelings and run with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Talk is cheap and I'm glad you recognize that. I'm sorry to say but once you get numb for someone it's almost impossible to bring back the feelings. Things won't ever be the same again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 You don't trust him. That is the problem. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Maybe you're really starting to him for who he is, not just how he makes you feel and who you wanted him to be. That future faking talk, possibly he means it while saying it, but deep down you know that it's not going to happen. You're detaching and that's a good thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I agree that the numbness is probably a symptom of you getting burned out on his insincerity. It may feel good in the moment but your rational mind is poking your subconscious to point out it's a pile of cr*p. The cognitive dissonance creates numbness. It would definitely be a good time to end it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothisgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Maybe you're really starting to him for who he is, not just how he makes you feel and who you wanted him to be. That future faking talk, possibly he means it while saying it, but deep down you know that it's not going to happen. You're detaching and that's a good thing. It's this for sure...and also, if I am totally honest, part of me is terrified he might actually leave his marriage because like quiets trim said, I don't trust him. How could I trust him not to do to me what he's done with me (and yes, i realize the irony of this statement). I have confronted him on this numerous times and we've discussed it and he said that he'd never feel the need to stray because I am exactly what he's been looking for. I've told him its pretty ****ty because a mm shouldn't be "looking" for anything (anyone) outside of his marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothisgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I agree that the numbness is probably a symptom of you getting burned out on his insincerity. It may feel good in the moment but your rational mind is poking your subconscious to point out it's a pile of cr*p. The cognitive dissonance creates numbness. It would definitely be a good time to end it. How?? Because this morning, when he sent me a message to say good morning and that he loves me I was roped right back in And I guess my rational mind is also saying that I've heard this for months now and nothing has changed. And ultimately every conversation we've had about him actually taking ACTION leaves him stating that he: Is only still there for the kids Needs to figure out how to end it Is trying to sort out his life so its as painless on all sides as humanly possible Understands if I can't wait, but desperately wants me to And then when I press him on the REALITY ie: living like roommates in front of kids is not healthy; it will be painful no matter what; I'm not willing to wait and it my life on hold He will say something like " ok baby, do you want me to go home and tell her right now?" Not to mention the family vacation planned for march @@ Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 He will say something like " ok baby, do you want me to go home and tell her right now?" What do you say to him when he says that? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 He will say something like " ok baby, do you want me to go home and tell her right now?" This kinda made me gag the instant I read it. How passive (in his own life), how controlling (towards you). Hey, I've known 8 year old boys who take more responsibility for their own lives and own choices than your cheater. So how do you end it? Well, maybe you don't really want to. Perhaps this r/s is actually working for you on some level. Or perhaps you are wanting to punish yourself, or put the responsibility for your life in the cheater's hands, for some reason. It's painful to end an intimate r/s, I get that (and have been through that valley of pain). How does that compare to the frustration and pain of his lies and disrespect and just overall repellently weak-minded and sleazy behavior towards you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothisgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 What do you say to him when he says that? I say no, and tell him not to be such a coward...how dare he put that on me. He's said it three times now and always gets the same response from me... I think it's partially tongue and cheek but it still infuriates me Actually now that I think about it the second time he said that I said yes and he said "ok, will you come with me and can I come here after" *puke* Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothisgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 This kinda made me gag the instant I read it. How passive (in his own life), how controlling (towards you). Hey, I've known 8 year old boys who take more responsibility for their own lives and own choices than your cheater. So how do you end it? Well, maybe you don't really want to. Perhaps this r/s is actually working for you on some level. Or perhaps you are wanting to punish yourself, or put the responsibility for your life in the cheater's hands, for some reason. It's painful to end an intimate r/s, I get that (and have been through that valley of pain). How does that compare to the frustration and pain of his lies and disrespect and just overall repellently weak-minded and sleazy behavior towards you? I get it...I have the same reaction...it's such a cowardly thing to say and I hate that he would try and put that on me when I've been very clear that should he decide to leave his m I won't hold his hand through the process. I guess you're right, part of it does work for me, or has in the past. However, at this point it's causing me a lot more anxiety then it should...part of that anxiety comes from knowing I must end it but some of it also comes from the extreme guilt I feel and from his lack of action. The other side of me is in love with him and honestly sees a future, so yes ending it is hard Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I say no, and tell him not to be such a coward...how dare he put that on me. He's said it three times now and always gets the same response from me... I think it's partially tongue and cheek but it still infuriates me Actually now that I think about it the second time he said that I said yes and he said "ok, will you come with me and can I come here after" *puke* Say yea you'll go. Say let's go now. And tell him that of course he can stay at your place for as long as he wants to. That's what you want, isn't it? Sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns, so to speak. Or do you deep down like the excitement of his unavailability? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothisgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Say yea you'll go. Say let's go now. And tell him that of course he can stay at your place for as long as he wants to. That's what you want, isn't it? Sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns, so to speak. Or do you deep down like the excitement of his unavailability? He's not moving in with me. If he leaves his wife he can buy his own house, and then once he's settled we can enter into a normal , open relationship. I realize that I have played a pa in his potential D however I am not going t his house to deliver the news to his W. had the OW in my marriage done this I would have lost my ever loving mind lol And no, there's no "excitement" in it for me, i hate this but love him...however, deep down there are certainly some feelings but they are more like I am terrified Of being in a real relationship because I don't think I'd trust him so its almost like if he leaves his wife we will be over for good...I think that's part of it. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 So wait...your marriage ended because your exH was having an affair and now you're with a man that you admittedly know you can't trust but you still give yourself to him? Why? You should be with a trustworthy person. Trust is the backbone of any good relationship. You deserve someone you can trust and someone you can't doesn't deserve you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 That's you getting fed up about the whole thing. You don't believe him much anymore. And you shouldn't unless his actions prove otherwise... By the way, this: their families pretty much orchestrated the whole thing (European culture) is not european culture! I live in Europe and I often read some cliches here about "european culture", "european way of living" that have no fundament at all. This is one of those things. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) 10 characters Edited January 4, 2014 by sunburned font codes visible; illegible Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Sorry for my post above and for this one, but I had written a reply in a word document, but it did not copy/paste legibly ... all the formatting codes were visible. Is there a trick for that or is it just not doable? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothisgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 So wait...your marriage ended because your exH was having an affair and now you're with a man that you admittedly know you can't trust but you still give yourself to him? Why? You should be with a trustworthy person. Trust is the backbone of any good relationship. You deserve someone you can trust and someone you can't doesn't deserve you. Yes, that's correct, and I assume that it's because for whatever reason being with someone who I can't trust is in some way comfortable to me...we are all a little broken somewhere aren't we? That said you're 100% right. I do deserve that but you know what? I have never figured out how to demand that from someone and I think being with mm makes that comfortable because I know he can't "cheat" on me or "leave" me because he's not "mine" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothisgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 That's you getting fed up about the whole thing. You don't believe him much anymore. And you shouldn't unless his actions prove otherwise... By the way, this: their families pretty much orchestrated the whole thing (European culture) is not european culture! I live in Europe and I often read some cliches here about "european culture", "european way of living" that have no fundament at all. This is one of those things. Here in Canada, its quite common for different European cultures and communities to stick together....I know tons of ppl, couples who were set up by and heavily encouraged by their families to marry...that said I understand what you're saying and that that is not the way it is overseas..maybe just how it unfolds here? And yes...he thinks his actions of: Always being available to me Constant contact Dating outside the house Etc etc Show me that his words are true ...but it really all doesn't mean much if he's still someone's else's husband does it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothisgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Sorry for my post above and for this one, but I had written a reply in a word document, but it did not copy/paste legibly ... all the formatting codes were visible. Is there a trick for that or is it just not doable? I'm not entirely sure I think it probably depends on your operating system? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Affairs are very validating for the other person at the outset. The feeling is like, "If he's willing to take such a huge risk (his marriage, kids, etc) to be with me, then I must really mean something to him." As time passes, the opposite occurs where his inaction shows thru as simple cowardice (all words and no action) and so the endearing words mean nothing to you. You begin to realize that if you meant that much to him, he'd actually leave to be with you (rather than staying married to another woman). I think that's why you're starting to feel indifferent; you're not being validated but instead, devalued. The solution is an ultimatum that he either leaves or you do. As usual, the "I'm staying for the kids" line is then used to illicit sympathy from you. And it works, for a while. Many women go 3-4 years before they've finally had it. How long will you go? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothisgirl Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Affairs are very validating for the other person at the outset. The feeling is like, "If he's willing to take such a huge risk (his marriage, kids, etc) to be with me, then I must really mean something to him." As time passes, the opposite occurs where his inaction shows thru as simple cowardice (all words and no action) and so the endearing words mean nothing to you. You begin to realize that if you meant that much to him, he'd actually leave to be with you (rather than staying married to another woman). I think that's why you're starting to feel indifferent; you're not being validated but instead, devalued. The solution is an ultimatum that he either leaves or you do. As usual, the "I'm staying for the kids" line is then used to illicit sympathy from you. And it works, for a while. Many women go 3-4 years before they've finally had it. How long will you go? Thanks for your response...the I'm staying for the kids really has no merit with me...I do not believe it and I've read enough to know its not even the "healthy" thing to do for anyone involved We are almost at a year and I've had enough. I really have. I just am having a hard time getting the words out and actually doing it while everything else about us feels so right. Ftr, i do realize how messed up that sounds Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Sorry for my post above and for this one, but I had written a reply in a word document, but it did not copy/paste legibly ... all the formatting codes were visible. Is there a trick for that or is it just not doable? Copy from word to text editor and then to here. That will work. Or you can type directly into the text editor and then copy and paste to here. If you are using a Windows operating system, NOTEPAD is a text editor that is available in all versions. Link to post Share on other sites
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