Trying to heal... ?

[broken13]

I was in a relationship with my MM for 10 years, believe it or not. He told me from the beginning that he wasnt in love with his wife and was leaving as soon as his kids were grown. He said everything I needed to hear, and over the course of 10 years he asked me to marry him, bought me not one ring, but three. His kids are now over 18, and I was under the impression that he had moved out and was living with his father, who has not been well.

 

He even went as far as meeting my father recently, who was dying at the time. He bought tickets for us to fly across the country to see my dad, and for him to meet my dad. I lost my dad the day after we arrived, in fact. I havent met his family....he has told me they are still close to his wife (ex wife according to him), and he didnt want to make them uncomfortable because they are 'old-fashioned'. Come to find out (on New Years Eve) he wasnt living at his dads, instead he had moved his dad in to the home that he and the wife had shared, and he was still living there too. He has lied for the last ten years. And I stupidly believed him.

 

What kind of man shakes the hand of a woman's father - who is literally on his death bed - when it is all a lie? I apologize for the way this is rambling on, but my emotions are all over the place. My end point was New Years Eve. I finally caught him face to face in his lie. Before that night I would confront him about the suspicions I was having....that he was still with his wife, even when he said he wasn't. Before, he always had an answer for everything. And the crazy part? I miss him. But I can't understand why? I feel betrayed and hurt, which on some levels I know I have no right to feel because I knew he was married from the beginning... I just believed he was only living there for his kids. I loved him....still do....but I don't want to.

 

He has contacted me...saying things just to try to get me to respond to him, but I havent answered. I am trying to be strong, but this is so difficult! I loved him, and I thought he loved me, and I was so stupid! How do I heal? How do I look myself in the mirror? How do I let him go? We were even planning our wedding and looking at homes. How do I heal?

Edited February 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[daretotrustlove]

Broken13

Not sure if your still out there or not.???

I'm sorry your hurting. I'm a XOW, not by my choice. Mine told me so many things, we were together 3 1/2 yrs. He broke it off for a 1 year. Then came back for 9 months and filed my head with more "stuff"/lies" not sure what the truth is anymore. I don't know what was the truth or what were the lies. I have been NC for 5 weeks. It hurts like hell, and it will for a long time. 10 years, wow, I was a horrible OW, I hated it. But loved him with my heart and being, even knowing his faults. I'm so sorry. Still in that crazy emotional state where I hurt one minute, angry the next, missing him, and still loving him, I just don't get how easily it is for them to hurt us.

[truthbetold]

Broken13

Not sure if your still out there or not.???

I'm sorry your hurting. I'm a XOW, not by my choice. Mine told me so many things, we were together 3 1/2 yrs. He broke it off for a 1 year. Then came back for 9 months and filed my head with more "stuff"/lies" not sure what the truth is anymore. I don't know what was the truth or what were the lies. I have been NC for 5 weeks. It hurts like hell, and it will for a long time. 10 years, wow, I was a horrible OW, I hated it. But loved him with my heart and being, even knowing his faults. I'm so sorry. Still in that crazy emotional state where I hurt one minute, angry the next, missing him, and still loving him, I just don't get how easily it is for them to hurt us.

 

Not to single you out Dare, but I have seen this said before and I don't get how some women DON'T get how some guys who are already liars by default of lying to their wives wouldn't do it to them?!

 

This is why some of us (I'm not a OW/BS) just wouldn't fall for a married man's lies no matter where we were in life, married or single. Aside from a disrespect to ourselves, he's lying to at least one woman and being deceitful. He's already shown his character. Nothing, not sad stories of a shrew of a wife, sexless, he married before knew he what he wanted, etc etc...would change that very big RED FLAG.

 

That's what many of us who can honestly say we would never cheat know. It's not about being sanctimonious or wearing a halo. It's about NOT crossing our boundaries period which is a choice, with anyone let alone with someone who has shown so little character UP FRONT.

 

It absolutely makes me want to SMH when I see the "how could he lie to ME?" over and over when you knew he was lying already?! It defies logic. His cheating is about his poor boundaries and lack of character, it's not about how special you are.

 

It didn't "just happen" you willingly dropped your guard and loosened your boundaries to justify "feelings". You don't have to act on feelings. Animals and small children act on feelings, grown adults should not. We teach children you can't always get what you want. It's a hedonistic lifestyle that supports to always go after your selfish desires. Life isn't about pleasure to self at all costs and healthy adults know this. They understand boundaries, vows, and what you nurture is what grows.

 

Ladies, stop the heartbreak you are causing yourself by not seeing things as they are. Why and how could he do that? Because YOU allowed it. It really is that simple. When someone shows you who they are (liar) believe them.

 

Some things like cheating ARE black and white. If you think it's gray then I encourage you to delve deep into yourselves and ask why you think it's gray? Cheating supports "gray" no doubt and it's no wonder though that people who cheat see it as a gray area, but it's interesting for some of those that did cross their boundary and knew it was "wrong" (black or white) but did it anyway and justified (gray)

 

Think about it, we have conscience for a reason. We all have a moral compass no matter what and it's a choice to follow or ignore. But living a gray life will never bring happiness. Some things require a right and wrong stance and a belief in and it's not rigid or close minded. If you stand for nothing you will fall for everything.

[clairbear]

Never made any mistakes then truthbetold? Trusted someone you shouldn't have? Done something that you know is bad for youl? All humans make poor choices in life which could be argued are 'bad for us' I don't believe that anyone is so altruistic that they never put their own happiness first in someway or another. There are worse things in the world than being too trusting and taking someone at their word.

[blue963]

I am so very sorry. 10 years is a long time. Dont be angry at yourself for missing. This man occupied space in your head and heart for 10 years. It can't go away in the blink of an eye.

[truthbetold]

Never made any mistakes then truthbetold? Trusted someone you shouldn't have? Done something that you know is bad for youl? All humans make poor choices in life which could be argued are 'bad for us' I don't believe that anyone is so altruistic that they never put their own happiness first in someway or another. There are worse things in the world than being too trusting and taking someone at their word.

 

Where did I say that? This is a fine example of twisting something to fit an agenda. I do not cross my boundaries for nothing and no one. That's far different than a "mistake". Infidelity (which was the topic) involves a series of choices which starts with crossing a boundary you know you shouldn't. Then a whole other series of choices to justify. No one just lands in bed with another with no conscience choice. You can say it just happened but that means you take no responsibility for your choices and take a passive role in life and allow things (which is still a choice)

 

Yes, there are actually people in the world that do actively try to make it a better world especially by truly holding to the "do unto others" it's a fantastic way to reap the rewards of happiness that you never set out to get but by default of treating others the way you wish to be treated there's a pay it forward thing that happens.

 

I'm sorry you are obviously in a lot of pain evidenced by your lashing out. Some of us do just have genuine caring heart, if you've been on the receiving end of being treated like garbage I'm sure that may be difficult to believe, nonetheless I do wish you peace and clarity on your path.

[truthbetold]

Never made any mistakes then truthbetold? Trusted someone you shouldn't have? Done something that you know is bad for youl? All humans make poor choices in life which could be argued are 'bad for us' I don't believe that anyone is so altruistic that they never put their own happiness first in someway or another. There are worse things in the world than being too trusting and taking someone at their word.

 

Sorry couldn't edit. That "someone" is already MARRIED. Seriously if you cannot see why that in itself is a problem from the get go then I would guess more heartbreak may visit you. That's what I hope to shed light on. You ladies are trying to complicate something that just isn't. You can be attracted to someone else, but if you don't feed it then it won't grow.

 

All the claims of "hit by a love lightening bolt" and "couldn't help it" is just justification for making a choice of feeding feelings which caused the feelings to intensify rather than acknowledge they were just feelings and make the choice to shut it down. The shutting down would happen naturally if you already have the decision to not cross your boundaries.

[XenoMouse]

Broken...my situation is not the same as yours but i feel your pain and im sorry that you have to go such an awful experience. I can't even imagine how much it must hurt...sending much love your way.

 

What i can tell you is even though your heart might tell you different this dude was REEEAAALLY something else and please whatever you do...do not respond to him. As i guy reading this i was TOTALLY blown a way...man..this guy bought 3 rings, flew with you to see your dying dad, you two were looking at homes together all while he was still with his wife. This dude is completely disconnected from reality and as you have seen has the capacity to really hurt someone with his thoughtless lostness. I think you should really look at this as a good thing, of course with 10 years history its going to be difficult, but get as far away from him as you can!

[William]

As this appears to be a drive-by and the member hasn't returned in over a month, I'll close this up and invite them, if they return, to alert moderation and we'll look at things then. Thanks for your responses!