slider95 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) I never thought I would be in this situation , I'm a single dad raising my two daughters on my own I have a my own business and life was great! I met a woman about 11 months ago and she told me she was separated from her husband for 7 months at that time. So I asked her to dinner and she said "YES". Dinner was great we talked and talked until they closed that night , it was amazing . I started to feel guilty about it , knowing she wasn't divorced yet so a few days later we were supposed to get together , she called and I told her I would like to wait until she got a divorce, she wasn't happy about it , but accepted it. Two day later she came to me in my store and asked me how long it took me to get a divorce? And I told her two years is how long it took. She asked me did I see anyone or date while I was waiting for the two years ? And I said yes I sure did! She said " Then why cant you give me the same chance someone gave you? I said your right and I will. So things progressed and before long it was love , she loved me and I fell for her , she treated me better than anyone ever has , she met my entire family she was loved by them as well I even met her sisters and they knew about us. She did want to keep her mother and father from knowing for fear they would never like me , she felt like they would blame me for the D. And her husband of course didn't know about us , she feared he would try to take her daughter in the D if she got caught. She said she was pretty sure he had another woman for the past few years and even got a phone call one time from one lady. She told me she did not love him and that he was a controlling arrogant a$$ho$$ and that when they lived together they were more like roommates. She said she married a picture basically of what she thought she wanted , and found out that it was not and she was unhappy. Around July the H started getting suspicious and would always call while she was with me ,And he even had her daughter call her late one night . So he knew she was moving on , he had too know. Nothing changed in our seeing each other or in the communication for the next few months everything was cool until November. They went to see her family ( her mother and father) in Tennessee and her husband went with them , I knew they still did things like that to maintain the optics of the marriage for the family , before they left they had to big arguments and he said he was going to file after the holidays. So during the Thanksgiving holidays I didnt hear much from her and it was strange , she would always call me so I felt this was odd. Her father is a pastor an I just knew he had sat them both down and said " You need to work this out for youre daughter" And basically said stay together for your child. When she got home she said she was " confused" and didnt want to hurt her daughter and she didnt know what to do . She said she needed some time to think things through .I was in shock ! Where did all this come from ? So I told her I was done , and that I couldn't keep going like this. She told me if you walk away , then it wasnt real and if you love me you will not leave me. She said we both know walking away is not an option. So I continued to talk to her because I do love her , but I told her she needs to talk to her H and get the divorce . She called me the next day and told me her H told her a friend of his saw her at a restaurant with a guy and that it was definitely not business. So we were a little spooked and as the day went on she said he said he has seen all the text messages , and phone calls and he know we talk all day, multiple times a day. He said he knows who I am and he knows where I work and live and said he was coming to talk to me at my business . She was very upset and was crying and said that we were just friends and she of course denied the whole thing . He never came to talk to me , I guess she talked him out of it somehow or maybe his attorney told him not to. But after all this happend she was super scared because her phone had been compromised and spyware had been installed on it. So for the next few days everything was quiet , I ened up getting her a second phone to call me on. She continued to see me and call me over the next few days and we say each other the day after Christmas and exchanged gifts and talked , she said she was torn and didnt know what to do and she was upset . I asked do you want me to walk away and she would no answer me. When she left about 20 min later she called me and said " my H just called and he knows I was just with you and he said he has heard all of the voice-mails between us" and he was pissed! She was even more scared now and said she couldn't live like this , always looking over her shoulder , she said Im not going to be spied on and controlled she was very mad. She still has been denying everything to him so I don't know if you would call these events Ddays since she wasn't told him the truth , even when he has heard and seen communication between us. Is he stupid or in denial? She is very scared and called me crying and said she was going to work on her marriage and she didn't want to lose her daughter , she said " he has complete autonomy over me and I cant lose my daughter" . I told her she wouldnt lose her daughter and that she was just scared right now . She still calls me everyday from the other phone I bought her and has since had the bugged phone replaced. She said " I think its best if you move on this is not fair to you" I told her that I would love her through it , and that she would need me because with what her H knows things are only gonna get uglier . I asked her how her H had been acting she said " he is just really sad and been real quiet and sometimes acts normal" She told me her H has been staying there again since all this happened , she thinks its to lock her down and control her. I don't know what to do , I have never been in a situation like this before. I do love her deeply and this all makes me feel abandoned and literally sick to my stomach . Please help Edited January 4, 2014 by slider95 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 "She said " I think its best if you move on this is not fair to you" I told her that I would love her through it , and that she would need me because with what her H knows things are only gonna get uglier " This is a mistake, I was a single other man. When you accept this role, she will no longer love you the same way. You will become the friend who supports her through her horrible marriage and will drain your dignity and strength. The connection will be there but it will never be the same. What's worse is she'll use this (unintentionally) to manipulate you out of other relationships. If you want her, break free! Tell her she lied to you and wasted your time, she said she was leaving instead she used you as an ego boost. I'm not saying she's evil or you should hate her but realize she's being selfish and using you to cope with her crap life. I don't even think her trying to set you free was genuine. If she truly loves you and if she thinks that she will lose you for good( you have to pull the friendship that's the part she needs the most.) she will get her life together for you. If she doesn't then there was nothing you could do for her anyways and you'll save yourself the heartache. Good luck, be strong, and don't he blind to the truth of the affair you are in. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author slider95 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I will take your advice Oldspiceywolf and move on it immediately , I have noticed in the past that when I put my foot down so to speak she responds to it . Its like she responds to strength . And this is what I will do. I have always been a strong and centered man , but this situation most definitely had me rattled a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Holy Jesus! Paragraphs, son. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 You are the OM. Can you accept this role? If not, leave her. You do have a choice. She has already made hers. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) I'm not sure why you think her husband is stupid or in denial. He has every right to remain with his wife and the mother of his child. You are the interloper here. Why do you think it's his job to file for divorce? She got you roped-in in what, July, with words about leaving her marriage? So where were the divorce papers? Why does she need secret phones and to go on family vacations if she's divorcing? Edited January 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 personally, I think she played you masterfully and now she's shutting you out because she's protecting her home life. you aren't first choice, in time you'll see the secret you really are/ were Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 She wasn't getting divorced - if she was her H would have known they planned to divorce. She's a blatant liar! How could you trust her? It's not possible! She played you and you've made it easy for her to manipulate you and continue lying. Stop all contact! She's married!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dubliner Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 She is doing some serious damage limitation. People who don't care about their relationship don't care, they don't need to lie and minimise, they've checked out, they have nothing to lose, it's just dealing with the formalities. I was married to a controlling and abusive man for real, when I had taken enough crap the only thing that halted my exit was waiting until I gathered the funds to take my children and rent a house, had he told me he wanted to file for divorce I would have driven him to the solicitors myself. If she is done with her M then this would be the perfect time for her to lay it all out and divorce, her H has said he will file, she has as much right over the child as he, she has a man waiting in the wings, what is she waiting for? The 'confusion', the child custody, the parents, excuses, she is trying to keep the status quo and all the time she balances her boxes she will continue to do so. Remove yourself and she will be forced back into her reality and hopefully begin dealing with it instead of using you as a band aid. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author slider95 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 I just pulled the plug on everything and now my phone is ringing constantly , I have rejected all calls and will block her number and I will do the same with email . It is very hard because I do love her and I will have to see her twice a week from here on as her daughter attends the school next to my business . Its gonna be hard to do this ! Heck it hard not to answer that damn phone when she calls! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I just pulled the plug on everything and now my phone is ringing constantly , I have rejected all calls and will block her number and I will do the same with email . It is very hard because I do love her and I will have to see her twice a week from here on as her daughter attends the school next to my business . Its gonna be hard to do this ! Heck it hard not to answer that damn phone when she calls! Did she even file for D? If she hasn't - then there's not one single thing you need to listen to - unless you intend to hear more lies! If she comes to see you - tell her you need to speak first with her husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I just pulled the plug on everything and now my phone is ringing constantly , I have rejected all calls and will block her number and I will do the same with email . It is very hard because I do love her and I will have to see her twice a week from here on as her daughter attends the school next to my business . Its gonna be hard to do this ! Heck it hard not to answer that damn phone when she calls! Going NC (no contact) is the hardest part. Keep reading here to steel your resolve. There's no upside to resuming contact except for fleeting moments that you'll quickly regret. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 most cave, you probably will too, start really looking at the big picture, ask the tough questions, step back and you will see more and more that you were merely a distraction in her life. No doubt you love her, but she's not yours, she never was, let her go and tell her you are no one's second choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author slider95 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 I have a feeling a he may file soon , and Im sure she will make it known to me . I just thought given all this man knows now , he would definitely be done . But she denied everything even when he told her verbatim what the texts said and so on , so maybe he believed it . When I met her she was already separated so it want like a picked off someones wife. I have wished her the best in working on her marriage and pulled the plug on us. And now she is calling my business phone. I think its gonna be pretty hard on both of us . But I'm done is she wants me she know whats she has to do. But until then I'm moving on one step at a time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author slider95 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 RickFox your are right , I promise Im not even close to being a second choice ,I haven't been this hurt in a awhile but I absolutely know my worth and I this is my first and last experience with an involved or married or separated woman. I can promise you that! Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I have a feeling a he may file soon , and Im sure she will make it known to me . I just thought given all this man knows now , he would definitely be done . But she denied everything even when he told her verbatim what the texts said and so on , so maybe he believed it . When I met her she was already separated so it want like a picked off someones wife. I have wished her the best in working on her marriage and pulled the plug on us. And now she is calling my business phone. I think its gonna be pretty hard on both of us . But I'm done is she wants me she know whats she has to do. But until then I'm moving on one step at a time. This is the best move for you, it makes her see you are not a side piece and that you legitimately wanted more, you keep your dignity and if it's worth it to her she can do the right thing and try to revisit it later if you are not taken, which you probably will be because men with self respect don't last long on the open market if they're looking. Change your handle to manwithdignity because what you just did was extremely hard and took real fortitude, stick by your decision because making it is just the beginning. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I have a feeling a he may file soon , and Im sure she will make it known to me . I just thought given all this man knows now , he would definitely be done . But she denied everything even when he told her verbatim what the texts said and so on , so maybe he believed it . When I met her she was already separated so it want like a picked off someones wife. I have wished her the best in working on her marriage and pulled the plug on us. And now she is calling my business phone. I think its gonna be pretty hard on both of us . But I'm done is she wants me she know whats she has to do. But until then I'm moving on one step at a time. I'm just reading your story and I'm so sorry...you DO deserve more and I was happy to keep reading and see you're moving forward with NC. I also want to say thank you for the bolded. For some reason that really struck me like yes, it really is that simple, like the emotional side of going NC is heartbreaking but the actual act can be very simple. Just stop answering the calls/texts/emails. I know it seems really basic but I think my feelings (and most ow or OM feelings) about going Nc are so so clouded by emotion that its hard to follow through but maybe if we all broke it down and looked at it in a much more cut and dry way it would be easier to carry out. I'm in no way suggesting that its "simple" or "easy"...I hope you know what I'm trying to say and that its coming across ok 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) She will to try and manipulate you again. If he files - so what? It doesn't make her an honest person. It just means she's looking to secure her backup plan - or ask you to support the lies she's told. Either way she is untrustworthy. Even IF she was separated - it's obvious she intended to stay with her H at some point - but continued leading you on. Date available women. Even when someone tells me they are divorcing - I tell them to call me when the have proof that it is finalized! Glad you are being strong! I'm sorry she jerked you around. Edited January 5, 2014 by beach 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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