Breaking123 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I am so confused, and I cannot stop thinking about something. Maybe some of you can offer advice, thoughts, or opinions. A guy at my office often flirts with me by sending texts, and seeming interested in me. He is separated from his wife and has a gf. He has been with his gf prior to his separation, which was 4 years ago. A divorce is not even in the works, and this is a long-term gf situation. Here's my situation. Some days the guy will initiate communication via text, and it is often when he is home alone and not with his gf. If he and I are both in the office, he will come to the floor where I work just to see me. He talks about us being together, mentions how great sex will be between us, and says he is attracted to me. Recently, I was led to believe he and his gf broke up, so I invited him over one night. He declined the invitation. Then he proceeded to mention something about his gf. That let me know she is still in the picture. He and I have never had sex. He is very flirty and hugs me often. I have developed feelings for this guy, and I do not know how to stop thinking and caring for him. The way he talks to me, shares with me, and holds me makes me think he cares about me and may even have feelings for me. I want to ask him if he is truly in love with his gf, and if so then why is he so affectionate with me. I realize that is not really my business though. I should just move on and not risk becoming the other other woman. Am I being silly in thinking he cares for me? Can someone care for that many people on such an intimate level? Any suggestions on how to move on, especially since he and I work in the same building? The only thing I see coming from this is me getting hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Am I being silly in thinking he cares for me? You aren't being silly, you're being naive. Can someone care for that many people on such an intimate level? He's not caring for that many people on an intimate level, he's trying to care for himself though he's missing the mark. Any suggestions on how to move on, especially since he and I work in the same building? Stay away from him as much as possible, physically and in your mind. Don't allow him to hug or touch you. The only thing I see coming from this is me getting hurt. Accurate assessment. Good luck, Breaking! You can save yourself a lot of pain if you distance yourself from this guy at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Secret Advisor Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Or you can spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) This man seems like a player/serial cheater. He cheated on his wife with his now gf. He is still married and is texting you and discussing sex with you while he has a gf. Why is this not a red flag for you? It should be. A lot of people dislike hearing about self worth and so on, but in truth, this man feels you are an easy target. For whatever reason you've responded to his advances even though he is quite audacious...telling someone how great sex with them will be?? WHAT?! Who says you're gonna have sex esp when they are still married and also have a gf who was their OW. I mean come on OP, be smart here, does he sound like a decent guy to you? Is that the kind of man you want in your life? None of this reads as romantic or caring to be honest. He seems like a man who likes to flirt with women, likes variety and knows by now which women will respond positively versus tell him to eff off. I wouldn't pursue this personally. It doesn't at all look hopeful. He will probably have sex with you if you allow it but he hasn't even divorced his wife for his 4 year OW/gf so you will either become the other OW technically or even if he leaves his gf for you, he will probably still not leave his wife, and in a few months will be texting some other woman inappropriately and then cheating on you too. In fact, you have no way of knowing right now if you're not one of many women he has this type of relationship with. My rule is: if a man has shown such a history and is so brazen, don't assume you are special but assume this is his thing and he probably does this often or with multiple women at once. I know you will be tempted to excuse the obvious red flags and believe he never loved his wife or his gf which is why he is doing this behind her back but he will love you and be different....please don't go down that oft trod but so wrong road; rather, believe someone when they show you who they are. Plus he works at your job....all of this is a NO in my book. Edited January 5, 2014 by MissBee 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 He is a flirty boy & you are interpreting his flirting to mean he wants something more. I think he's just flirty. If he liked you or just wanted sex he would have taken you up on your offer to come over. Decrease the amount of time you spend contacting & interacting with him. Don't return his non-work related texts & e-mails, stay out of hugging range. Find somebody who is actually available for you to date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 How old is he? Is he an older guy that sounds like old man game! Slowly Eiffel you down with compliments and gentleness while being unfulfilled but "transparent." He's so gross! You might get hurt and what is your end game? Just think about how you feel when he doesn't call you on your birthday and he only texts because he's with his GF and her family cuz that's what happens when your a single affair partner! Your decision but be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Breaking123 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) He is 49 and I am 43. He was recently texting me every morning to say good morning, and every night to say good night for weeks. We would also talk on the phone some. Then he told me he would be staying at his gf's place for a while, so he would be out of touch. That hurt, and I think he caught on that I have feelings for him. I want to just walk away, but seeing him at work makes it hard to just cut all ties and have NC. Edited January 5, 2014 by Breaking123 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Breaking123 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Today I received word that I am needed for a special project at work. Then I was told I will be working with "the guy" (not calling him AP because he isn't really involved with me). I want to stop thinking about him. How can I stop thinking about him when I am now expected to work with him this week. The last time we had to work on a project together, we ended up making out in his office (I will not allow this to happen this time). Any advice on how to get my mind off of him or thoughts on how to keep this week all professional? Link to post Share on other sites
Oldspiceywolf Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Realize he's a creep and obsess over his creepy habits. The easiest way to not think about one guy is to think of another. Easier said than done but there's no easy dilution you just have to reframe the way you think about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Consider imagining his wife when she found out he was shagging someone else, then imagine his girlfriend when she finds out he's shagging you. That should put the mockers on it ............................................ Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Keep the door open. Try to keep all interactions during work hours. Link to post Share on other sites
MorbidFever Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 omg RUN!!!! You don't want to get involved with someone like this. This isn't a one-time deal of being unhappy…he is a serial cheater and thrill seeker. Do you want to be his next victim? Please run away and save yourself before you are back here totally crushed and heartbroken and asking how to get over this a-hole! Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Breaking.... I have a different view than most... I'd keep the door open for awhile to see where it goes. His GF could have been a mistake, and part of his failed M, but who knows. He could be very insecure and not wanting to let the GF go until he has you for sure. I could argue a few dates, try to find out where he's going, and just let him know that the dates will only continue if he dumps the GF. And you're not going to get "close" until then. It's a gamble..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Breaking123 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 This week has been harder than I thought it would be. I have kept communication strictly work related. Any time he tries to ask a personal question, I keep thinking of those of you who mentioned he is a serial cheater. Yesterday, I had someone ask me if I knew he was previously involved with a another co-worker. This person knows nothing about he and I and our time together. That news shocked me. I cannot figure out how someone has cheated on his wife (and 4-5 years later still hasn't divorced her), lives with the OW 2-3 weeks a month (and has cheated on her), is or was allegedly involved with another coworker, and has been pursuing me. He even went as far as making out with me, which I consider cheating since I found out he had a gf the whole time. I thought he was broken up with his gf the times he and I were together. How can someone lead such a double life, if that is what you call it. I want a man who will love, cherish, and respect me. This guy doesn't sound like he knows how to love, cherish, respect, and be faithful to women. My heart hurts because I have developed feelings for him. I just keep thinking, one day soon the pain will end. At least I know what kind of person he is, and I doubt he is telling the truth whenever he tells me he cares about me. The only thing he seems to care about is getting in my pants. How can he care about me? Part of me wants to think he truly cares about me and maybe even loves me, but I know that is not true. I'm lying to myself with those thoughts. I am sorry for the long post, I just wanted to vent. My heart hurts so badly. Link to post Share on other sites
GG3 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Realize he's a creep and obsess over his creepy habits. The easiest way to not think about one guy is to think of another. Easier said than done but there's no easy dilution you just have to reframe the way you think about it. To add to this...one of my tactics for myself in a situation like yours is to remember a crappy boyfriend I had that I put on a pedestal and was crazy about in the beginning. Remember that guy, how enamored you were with him. He was perfect. You loved his every imperfection. His character flaws were cute. Then remember towards the end of the relationship be it months or a year later or in my case 5 years later and you so tired of being treated like crap because those character flaws are what made him treat you like crap. And of course he isn't perfect, he's like everyone else. This guy at work is just like that. You put him on a pedestal, but you already know he has character flaws. He can't commit and cheats. I'm sure his girlfriend isn't always treated the best at home and he lies to her and sneaks around. He seems cute now but if he left her for you, then eventually you will be her and all that cuteness will disappear.... He's cute, he's charming...but you wouldn't be happy with him eventually. It's just a shiny, pretty and charming surface. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I could argue a few dates, try to find out where he's going, and just let him know that the dates will only continue if he dumps the GF. And you're not going to get "close" until then. Dates aren't "getting close"? My simple, firm, clear policy would be: no dates while married or with a girlfriend. (And certainly no dates while married and with a girlfriend.) Yesterday, I had someone ask me if I knew he was previously involved with a another co-worker. This person knows nothing about he and I and our time together. That news shocked me. I cannot figure out how someone has cheated on his wife (and 4-5 years later still hasn't divorced her), lives with the OW 2-3 weeks a month (and has cheated on her), is or was allegedly involved with another coworker, and has been pursuing me. He even went as far as making out with me, which I consider cheating since I found out he had a gf the whole time. I thought he was broken up with his gf the times he and I were together. How can someone lead such a double life, if that is what you call it. This is shocking, but at the same time, it really shouldn't be. You've had a significant amount of evidence in front of you already: you know that he started up with his "girlfriend" before he was separated from his wife, and you know he's been pursuing you while he's with his current girlfriend. If you couldn't draw a pretty confident conclusion about what kind of a douchebag he is, then you did indeed need some kind of shock to open your eyes, but really, this is consistent with the evidence you already had in front of you, isn't it? The other concerning thing to notice is about the person who asked you if you knew he'd been involved with another coworker. You think that person knew nothing about your time together, but you may have been throwing off signals - perhaps making yourself more apparent than you think to outside observers - and this person was subtly warning you about the danger you were moving towards. The fact that this shocked you into waking up and seeing him more clearly before you got "in too deep" means you owe this other person a big silent thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 This week has been harder than I thought it would be. I have kept communication strictly work related. Any time he tries to ask a personal question, I keep thinking of those of you who mentioned he is a serial cheater. Yesterday, I had someone ask me if I knew he was previously involved with a another co-worker. This person knows nothing about he and I and our time together. That news shocked me. I cannot figure out how someone has cheated on his wife (and 4-5 years later still hasn't divorced her), lives with the OW 2-3 weeks a month (and has cheated on her), is or was allegedly involved with another coworker, and has been pursuing me. He even went as far as making out with me, which I consider cheating since I found out he had a gf the whole time. I thought he was broken up with his gf the times he and I were together. How can someone lead such a double life, if that is what you call it. I want a man who will love, cherish, and respect me. This guy doesn't sound like he knows how to love, cherish, respect, and be faithful to women. My heart hurts because I have developed feelings for him. I just keep thinking, one day soon the pain will end. At least I know what kind of person he is, and I doubt he is telling the truth whenever he tells me he cares about me. The only thing he seems to care about is getting in my pants. How can he care about me? Part of me wants to think he truly cares about me and maybe even loves me, but I know that is not true. I'm lying to myself with those thoughts. I am sorry for the long post, I just wanted to vent. My heart hurts so badly. I'm sorry for your heart but it is exactly as I suspected: he's a player and serial cheater who cheats on everyone and preys on women whom he feels are easy targets who will obsess over his love and attention instead of immediately seeing him as a creep. How long have you known him? Why would you think he loves you? Based on what you've said it seems "flirty" and casual and doesn't seem like you have enough of a relationship to call it love. But also your reaction to him seems exactly like the model of the type of woman men like this like. I am not saying this to belittle you btw, I'm just saying that they tend to like women who are more easily enamored and can become in love with them with very little time or effort on their part, and it seems that's how you feel. Yes, don't lie to yourself. This man wants to sleep with you and that's it. He doesn't at all seem like that great of a guy and I would cut this off and not go any further. I'd also figure out what you like so much about him, besides I'm sure his sweet nothings which made you feel good. But besides those, what actual qualities in him do you like? You may find out you don't know him that well or even like him as much as you think you do and that may help you move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Breaking123 Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 (edited) Since MissBee asked how long I have known him, here is a backstory: I have known him a few years. He and I are in the same industry, and we used to see each other a few times a year. Six months ago, I got a job working for the same company where he works (another friend recommended me for the position). Over the last six months, he started reaching out to me more often with calls, texts, emails, and occasionally coming to my floor to see me at work. Working at the same company led me to meet more people who know him. That is how I found out about the wife and gf. Had I known he was married and seeing someone (or even one or the other) when he started communicating with me, I would not have given him the time of the day. MissBee - He was there for me emotionally when I lost a family member, he was there when I went through a break-up, and he was there when I had other personal struggles. And his sweet nothings did draw me in. Edited January 8, 2014 by Breaking123 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 MissBee - He was there for me emotionally when I lost a family member, he was there when I went through a break-up, and he was there when I had other personal struggles. And his sweet nothings did draw me in. So Breaking, if you need to fortify your resolve, please recognize that he's not just a player, but a predatory one, apparently adept at recognizing incidents of emotional vulnerability in your life as opportunities to advance his game, and increase his emotional connection with you. While he was going home to his girlfriend. While he was still married. It paints such a nice picture, doesn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Breaking123 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 Finally, the work week is over and the special project I was assigned to is complete. I saw my coworker every day. We were both so busy, it helped me have NC with him (unless it was project related). Any time I would walk by his office, I made sure I was reading a report or answering email on my phone so he wouldn't call me into his office. This morning, he texted me to ask what I was doing, and he was also trying to make small talk. I kept all responses work related. He finally got the hint and told me to enjoy my weekend. He is with his gf this weekend, but he said he was out running errands alone. I couldn't help but think how disrespectful that is to the gf to start communicating with me the moment he is away from her (even if the communication was nothing sexual or too personal). I had really fallen for this man, and I kept trying to tell myself that he really cared about me and may even have an emotional connection with me. Then I was trying to convince myself that he is really not a disrespecting, selfish man, and only cares about me as a colleague (he mentioned many times that he cares about me). If he really cared about me, even as a colleague only, he could have text me while with the gf and told her it was work related. Clearly he does not want her knowing anything about me, even on a colleague level. This just proves to me even more that he is sneaky, disrespectful, and selfish. I would say I feel sorry for the gf for being with such a sneaky man, but she is the OW (aka Mistress) staying with the MM. I really do not feel sorry for her, I'm just going to make sure I do not become the other OW (or one of many other OWs). Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 I had really fallen for this man, and I kept trying to tell myself that he really cared about me and may even have an emotional connection with me. Then I was trying to convince myself that he is really not a disrespecting, selfish man, and only cares about me as a colleague (he mentioned many times that he cares about me). Keep in mind that you had fallen for the guy you WANTED this man to be. You were fantasizing based on limited contact. Knowing that he has a wife AND a girlfriend should help you know more about him and what a player/scum he is - and that alone should help you get over him more. He doesn't care about you. He cares about himself and getting more and more and more. You two possibly could have developed an emotional connection, but I believe you would have been the one with the connection while he would have just had another conquest. Stop answering his texts. THAT will help also. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Breaking123 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 Keep in mind that you had fallen for the guy you WANTED this man to be. You were fantasizing based on limited contact. Knowing that he has a wife AND a girlfriend should help you know more about him and what a player/scum he is - and that alone should help you get over him more. He doesn't care about you. He cares about himself and getting more and more and more. You two possibly could have developed an emotional connection, but I believe you would have been the one with the connection while he would have just had another conquest. Stop answering his texts. THAT will help also. You're right. I WANTED him to be the man I thought he was. He isn't who I thought he was, and he cannot be something/someone he isn't. He hasn't lived with his with BS for years, and his OW is public knowledge, and I have to remind myself that that doesn't make him less of a player/scum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Breaking123 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 I just wanted to update you all and again thank you for the great advice. I have distanced myself from the colleague. However, he and I recently had to work on another project together. He started asking me about my friends, if any of them would like him, etc. So, I asked where his gf was....wondering if she was still in the picture since he was asking about other women. She's still in the picture, and he is still living with her. For so long, I really thought he cared about me. I don't know if he knows how to care about anyone, even himself. The other night, I was online and just browsing stuff. I decided to google his nickname to see if anything would come up. Turns out, he is a member of a "chat only" website. His profile is public. His profile shows that he is ONLY "connected" to women, and several women have racy profile pictures. Once I think I cannot get shocked any more, this man continues to shock me more. He is definitely a player! I'm so glad we rarely have to see each other, and I am glad I walked away before I fell even harder for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 He sounds gross and selfish/self absorbed. Glad he's out of your life and you're not into him anymore! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Breaking123 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 He sounds gross and selfish/self absorbed. Glad he's out of your life and you're not into him anymore! Me too! Part of me wants the gf to find out, but I will never be the one to tell her (it is not my place, would create drama, etc). Also, for all I know, she may already know how he is and just does not care because she still has someone coming home to and providing for her every night. The whole situation sickens me because he is such a player. Link to post Share on other sites
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