We talked today.

[george roy]

STBXW and I sat down this afternoon.

 

Her biggest concern was responding (or not) to the divorce petition.

 

The first thing I explained was that, even though she's been served papers, whether or not she signs them doesn't automatically determine that I get whatever I ask for. And that the more we can work out ourselves, the better (and less expensive).

 

And that whatever we come up with, understand that this is MY attorney.

And that she is not obligated to sign anything if it just doesn't seem right to her.

 

That seemed to put her a ease a little bit.

 

And I also explained that, in some cases, it gets figured out without a bunch of litigation. Sometimes couples try to work it out. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't.

 

Then we talked a little bit about which direction to go. What she wanted, based on what she's been saying. And that, while the past couple of months have been really tough, there could be a road back.

(I've been prepared for her not wanting to reconcile. But I also wanted to put it out there).

 

About fifteen minutes into that conversation, she ended up saying that, because I've filed, and she's cheated, and that a divorce is the direction to go.

 

And she wants to just figure out the next month or so...

 

Ok, then.

 

So I took out my notepad, and we started working out the details.

 

Bear in mind that I only listened, and didn't agree to anything. I didn't want to object to anything today, as it would have shut any dialogue off immediately.

I can discuss clarification and/or my disapproval on all these things at a later date, but we at least got the ball rolling today...

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

- She wants to split the kids 50/50. Possibly split weeks, and EOW

 

- I would keep the house

 

- Her mother lives in another state. She would like to be able to take the kids to see her mother at some point (during the summer). Summer is far enough away that we can talk about that later.

 

- On that note, we have an 'extended family' trip coming up in March. My immediate relatives and I are going to the same state as her mother.

So I asked about that, and she had no issues with my taking the kids there. She also suggested that if I don't want her to go, she won't go.

 

- She would keep me as the beneficiary on her life insurance (??)

 

- Keep the same family phone plan. And she would pay her portion of that.

(I figure we'll need to be discussing the kids anyway, so as long as she's paying it...)

 

- Summer camp and other types of activities, split the cost. Same with kids health insurance and group memberships, split the cost

 

- One of us to move to the guest room for now

 

- She is looking for an apartment. She's looked at only one so far.

 

When I pressed her on this a bit, she said that ideally she'd like to find a place that would give the kids (the oldest in another year) a 'suburb' school, versus a city school. When I asked about my doing the legwork, she said that it's kind of pointless right now, as no one moves out around this time of year (??)

 

And she 'almost' has what we figure will be a ballpark on security and first month's rent (about $2,000). But then she wouldn't have any money left. I offered some of the furniture, and I could get my hands on furniture for myself if I needed to. Or vice-versa.

 

- Split the cost of auto insurance (keeping the same joint policy)

* (I don't know how I feel about that one).

 

- No new people are introduced to the kids, or come to the house

 

- As long as she continues to live there, she will continue to contribute XXX dollars every week (to pay bills and the like)

 

- Wait to tell the kids until she's ready to move out (??)

 

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I asked for a schedule of what her work hours are (to figure out a plan for the kids), and she didn't really know it (??), but will get back to me on it.

 

Seems like (so far) things can be done amicably.

 

But a couple of things concern me.

 

The phone plan, maybe a little. But I can wrap my head around that one.

 

But the auto insurance. Why not just get separate policies ?

 

And why the hanging around ? Just get an apartment. Or go stay with Mr Wonderful.

 

So, I ask the members of this board for their take on this.

 

Input and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Edited January 4, 2014 by george roy

[justnotmeanymore]

There's some good communication going on there. Happy that it could be done amicably.

Her staying could be a sign she's not ready to let go of you or the family situation she has. I understand she's cheated, but this might be the crucial point in finding out what exactly she wants in her mind.

I'm not an expert. Far from it.

She's probably so confused about everything now it's beginning to sink in. Maybe the divorce papers were a small wake up call to her.

I'm not sure if reconciling is what you want, but I'd just do what you're doing and read the signs she's giving out. Hear what she has to say, and validate. This may be the turning point for you both.

Good luck with whatever it is you both want from this.

[strive]

For me it looks like she's trying to keep one foot in the door. But I'm not sure since I've never gone these kinds of amicable negotiations.

[mark982]

separate the car insurance..god forbid she is in a nasty wreck,you could be on the hook for liability.

[george roy]

There's some good communication going on there. Happy that it could be done amicably.

 

Yeah. So far, so good.

 

Her staying could be a sign she's not ready to let go of you or the family situation she has. I understand she's cheated, but this might be the crucial point in finding out what exactly she wants in her mind.

I'm not an expert. Far from it.

 

Maybe. But there would need to be some serious conversation first.

 

She's probably so confused about everything now it's beginning to sink in. Maybe the divorce papers were a small wake up call to her.

 

I suppose that's possible, too.

 

I'm not sure if reconciling is what you want, but I'd just do what you're doing and read the signs she's giving out. Hear what she has to say, and validate. This may be the turning point for you both.

Good luck with whatever it is you both want from this.

 

I could listen to anything.

 

And there would have to be a LOT of changes.

 

But for the moment, she's chosen the gear. Right now, I'm just stepping on the gas a little.

[george roy]

separate the car insurance..god forbid she is in a nasty wreck,you could be on the hook for liability.

 

That's one of the things at the top of my list.

 

Another is doing some of the legwork for her as far as an apartment.

 

Not that I'd sign anything, mind you. But she expressed where area she was thinking and what she was looking for in an apartment. So, hey, I can get brochures and applications for her.

 

Not the ideal way I want to spend part of my day, but if this is what she wants, then my 'helping' may get her out of the house a little faster.

[george roy]

For me it looks like she's trying to keep one foot in the door. But I'm not sure since I've never gone these kinds of amicable negotiations.

 

It's funny, because after I walked away from that conversation, I thought the same thing.

 

And yesterday was a weird day, too.

 

She seemed... chatty. Like things were normal.

 

And a few things that made me scratch my head a little.

 

She'd made the kids breakfast. She offered to make me breakfast (hasn't done that in quite a while). I politely declined, I'd made myself breakfast earlier.

 

I made a grocery list yesterday morning. She asked when I'm going to the store. I tell her I'm not sure, maybe this evening.

About a half an hour later, she is going to the store. And she will take my list and fill it.

And she did. Perfectly. Right down to the brand names.

 

This weekend, her father and stepmother took (as usual) one of the kids overnight. She asks if I want to meet him at such-and-such a place (not the first time there) to pick up that child.

 

At first, I agreed. I had to go out to the local hardware (on the way to the pickup place). Then I thought about it a little bit, and told her she could go.

(And the last child that spent the night over there, that was the same night she started in with the "what did you and my father talk about" crap that ended up getting the police called).

I had no desire to talk to her father, only in that he'd possibly ask questions (and I didn't want to deal with any of that today).

 

She made homemade pizza for dinner (she's made dinner on Sundays, but never asks if I'm eating. Lately she just leaves it on the stove for me to take or not).

Tonight she asks if I'm eating.

 

"Sure."

I cut all the slices myself, and doled them out to the kids.

"Pizza's pretty good, Lynn"

"Thanks"

 

AND she's already prepped tomorrow's dinner. In the oven for 30 minutes at 375 degrees.

 

?????????????????????????????????

 

All of the above would have happened six months or a year ago.

 

I don't know. Today just seemed weird. Like everything was 'normal'.

 

Any one thing today wouldn't have raised an eyebrow.

But all of the above ??

 

I'm not looking at today in any way other than it just being... odd.

 

I might have to start another thread...