Time to call it a day

[losingthewilltolive]

Hi

 

I have been married for 10 years. Husband has threatened me with divorce atleast once every year since our marriage, it's got me to a point of where I want a divorce.

 

He is extremely stingy, he earns double what I earn, yet I pay more towards the bills. I have mentioned this to him but he just starts going into one.

 

He has been violent towards me twice in the 10 years. I forgave him but had made it clear I would leave him and that he had to sort out his behaviour.

 

He set ground rules (to save costs) when we moved in to our house 8 years ago. During the winter, the heating barely went on, he told me I was not allowed to flush the toilet (unless it was for a number 2). The hot water was never heated and it got to a point where I had to heat the kettle up and use a bucket in order to have a shower/wash.

 

Things slowly improved, after the second incident of hitting, I walked out and he promised he would change. A year on, the only change is I am allowed to flush and use any loo in the house, the heating only goes on for 2 hours a day, despite me being freezing cold.

 

I asked him if we could have a gas fire in the living room, as I really feel the cold and I even volunteered to pay for it. He refused as he doesn't want to remove the old one and cannot be dealing with the hassle of it all.

 

We have no children, despite trying and looking at it, it's probably a blessing in disguise.

 

We don't have any holidays as he is forever saving for our pension, there are no gifts/celebrations or days out.

 

I see other couples having fun and it makes me feel sad. I feel I am begrudged the basics in life.

 

I don't know what I'm asking, as seeing it written down I know what I need to do.

 

Thank you for reading.

[SYLLPalmer]

Don't loose the will to live. I can't offer advice and I am not married. What I would do is file for divorce on Monday and as soon as the papers were served I would start flushing number 1.

 

Marriage doesn't take a **** man and make him good.

 

I would exit stage left on the fly. Start exercising if not already to get your esteem up.

 

I would keep pepper spray on hand. Just in case that flushing sends his cheap ass over the edge.

 

I am so sorry for your pain. Make any small change and good things will follow. Be kind to yourself.

[beach]

He's controlling and abusive!

 

No one should live with those terms.

 

Get rid of him as soon as possible.

 

Stop handing him all your power. Get counseling to determine why you would live with him and thinking that's acceptable.

 

Ask the court for spousal support. You may get it - at least for several years.

 

If he gets physical again, call the police - a paper trail will help secure a restraining order against him harming you further.

 

If needed, take self defense classes!

 

Move immediately - and don't tell him where you are.

 

In the meantime, flush when you need to and use that heater!

[lollipopspot]

Why do you want to live with this guy? What qualities does he have that make up for what you described?

 

I'm all for not wasting energy, but there was no compromise in your arrangement, and it doesn't sound like he's doing it out of environmental concerns but just because he's a tightwad.

 

It's good you two didn't have children. You would both make them miserable. If you can't stand up for yourself in this situation, I don't think you would be able to stand up for a child either. I say this because if you plan to have children with anyone in the future, get your relationship right first and think more about what kind of dad you're saddling them with.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Don't expect things to improve, you've been with this guy for 10 years...of course if you threaten to leave he's going to try to pull you back in, but whatever changes he makes are only going to be temporary....very rarely does someone actually uphold their promises and stick to a plan, and if that's even possible you'd need a mediator/counselor to help you along the way...but this doesn't sound like a guy that compromises in the slightest.

 

Sounds like he has this relationship exactly the way he wants and you've basically tried to compromise or mold thinking this is the way you need to live in order to be loved or happy....or something like that, but this relationship does not sound fulfilling and you're basically accommodating his needs while getting nothing in return that I can determine from this post...I mean I'm surprised you even have internet or is that cheaper than flushing the toilet or a gas heater? can't imagine that is.

 

It's absurd you'd have to live without general heat in cold, not being able to flush when you feel like it and then on top of have to heat up a bucket of water to wash...what are you, a hillbilly? some people like to live "green", hey if that's what makes you happy then go for it but if this isn't how you want to live I wouldn't stand for it...hell personally, it's absurd to live that way in 2014...you're not doing anyone any favors and I'm wondering what this guy is spending his money on as you pay for the bills...you don't sound poor and then on top of it the guy is violent.

 

You really need to get your head together and remember what it's like to be happy and live like a normal human being of your time, this isn't the dark ages and there's no reason he should be abusing you and getting stuck on his lifestyle choices...you've really got to see the light at the end of the tunnel from this, because I don't see how you would be unhappier alone and flushing your own toilet, taking a hot shower, and you might as well do so....you're paying the bills anyway.

 

You've got to have the courage to save yourself, I promise you this isn't the best life has to offer by a long shot...don't worry about losing him, or getting sucked in thinking things will improve or turn a corner one day and I'm sure he'll make a great case about that...but after 10 years, see the writing on the wall, you've been doing this long enough...get some help and support if you can from family and friends and start making a plan to get out....at all cost, whatever it takes.

 

No children is a huge blessing here, you are not obligated or tied to him in any way...that's one of the number one reasons I see couples/marriages remain unhappy so that's a great advantage you have to truly moving on.

 

I'm going to assume that the romantic/emotional aspect of this relationship is poor as well...it can't possibly be good if this is how you are feeling, no celebrations of gifts/days out? c'mon...this guy is as cheap and selfish as they come...he doesn't seem like anyone who would care about someone else's needs or put anyone else first other than himself, i can't imagine a guy like this having a great relationship otherwise...so if that assumption is right, you've got to get out, this really doesn't sound worth it at all....everything to gain, only more time, happiness and life to lose.

[Grumpybutfun]

This isn't a real marriage as you aren't equal in it. He is controlling and violent. Physical and mental abuse is never okay. File for divorce and start living your life away from this insanity. Marriage, to me, should be a safe place to be, not a prison. I hope you can find your way out of this and onto a life without fear and walking on eggshells. Run, don't walk, to a divorce lawyer ASAP.

Good luck,

Grumps

[oldshirt]

Hi

 

 

I don't know what I'm asking, as seeing it written down I know what I need to do.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

 

 

I get the feeling what you are asking is if it is ok to divorce and if other think you are justified in leaving.

 

 

The general consensus is yes.

 

 

Here's a good way to look at it, back when Ann Landers was alive and writing her advice column people used to write in and ask if they should divorce or not.

 

 

Her reply was always, "will you be better off with them or on your own?"

 

 

I can't see how you would be better off with him than on your own. Even if you had a tiny little one-room apartment, at least you could flush the toilet whenever you wanted and could crank the heat to 90 degrees if you felt like it.

 

 

And frankly he would probably be better off too. He could turn the heat down until he could see his breath and he could have turds piled up out of the toilet bowl and no one around to complain about it.

 

 

Seems like a win-win to me.

[Sand Man Dan]

You have been with him for ten years.

 

The guy is garbage. He's a garbage person and subsequently treats you like trash. Have some respect for yourself and leave this dump of a marriage (caused by him and his trash attitude, his stinky stinginess, and his rotten way of treating you.

 

It's garbage day. What you gonna do?

[losingthewilltolive]

Hi

 

thank you to all who responded.

 

I guess that is what I was asking; is my leaving justified? am I being unreasonable?

 

He said we could go for counselling, but I just think it's too little too late.

 

The lack of heating in the house causes me circulation problems and he knows this, but I guess he doesn't care.

 

The house is on his name, he never added me on the deeds and always goes on about 'his' house. He seems to think he is a real catch. I fail to see how, the only thing he has is money and he doesn't like spending it.

 

Yes the romantic aspect of this marriage is poor too, I am just a cook, cleaner and the bill payer. He never takes me out for anniversaries or just out in general, there are no surprises.

 

It's not like he doesn't know what the problem is, I have told him so many times. He won't change, in my heart of hearts I know he won't.

 

Agreed, we are better of apart. I am at my parents for the week. I just need to plan how I am going to get out as if I tell him he won't let me leave.

 

I need to pack my stuff and just get the hell out of there, enough is enough.

[Eivuwan]

Your leaving is completely justifiable and at this point I don't see the point of counseling. I suspect that he doesn't want you to leave not because of love or anything, but because he wants a free housekeeper and doesn't want to deal with the financial aspects of divorce. I think when you're alone and get to do whatever you want to do, you'll never go back to that kind of situation ever again.

[pteromom]

Everyone else is right - he is abusive and controlling.

 

In your next relationship, remember that you teach people how to treat you.

 

If you are cold, you have a responsibility to yourself to get warm. If the next guy wants it to be 60 degrees in the house, then he obviously doesn't want YOU there, so grant his wish.

 

If someone tells you "we don't flush the toilet", you say "I do - my pee has places to go." and you flush it anyway.

 

It is your responsibility to stand up for yourself and what you want.

 

Never let anyone do this to you again.

 

Go, and be strong! Don't lose the will to live. Find your power and use it. You've been storing it up all these years for a reason.

[fujidabruin]

Hi

 

thank you to all who responded.

 

I guess that is what I was asking; is my leaving justified? am I being unreasonable?

 

He said we could go for counselling, but I just think it's too little too late.

 

The lack of heating in the house causes me circulation problems and he knows this, but I guess he doesn't care.

 

The house is on his name, he never added me on the deeds and always goes on about 'his' house. He seems to think he is a real catch. I fail to see how, the only thing he has is money and he doesn't like spending it.

 

Yes the romantic aspect of this marriage is poor too, I am just a cook, cleaner and the bill payer. He never takes me out for anniversaries or just out in general, there are no surprises.

 

It's not like he doesn't know what the problem is, I have told him so many times. He won't change, in my heart of hearts I know he won't.

 

Agreed, we are better of apart. I am at my parents for the week. I just need to plan how I am going to get out as if I tell him he won't let me leave.

 

I need to pack my stuff and just get the hell out of there, enough is enough.

 

 

So sorry you have had to endure this kind of relationship.... and so glad that you know what to do now.

 

It will not be easy, but soon enough you will thank the powers that be that you made the right decision. One thing.... do yourself a favor and go NC ASAP. Let the lawyer handle communication.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Please don't just leave, run and stay with your parents. Get a lawyer too asap as obviously you don't know your rights.

 

In addition, call a crisis line and please get some help. You have plenty to live for and should not endure this.

[mrs rubble]

My oldest boy's dad sounds exactly like your husband, he was abusive, controlling and tight with his money too.

I left him 17 and half years ago, when our son was 3.

He's still nasty, abusive and stingy. He knocked our son's front tooth out just a few weeks ago in a rage.....he's never contributed finacially to our son's up-bringing and we both (my son and I) joke that when he dies he'll have his money turned into gold blocks and buried with him!!

So I guess what I'm saying is lucky you have no children. Get out now while you have the courage and don't look back until you can laugh about how pathetic he is.

I wish you all the happiness in the world as you begin your new improved life.

[Lauriebell82]

Not letting you flush the toilet, WOW!!!! That's nuts.

 

 

You deserve better then this. Since you don't have kids to consider, leave ASAP. If a man really loves you, he would never hurt you like that.