Still... (jforthegirl)

[Still-I-Rise]

Jforthegirl,

 

I didn't want to put too much of my experience on your thread so I hope it's okay to start a new one one where we can compare notes if you wish.

 

There are times when I am walking somewhere or handling errands with my children and a thought about my stbxh and what he did slams into my mind, catching me off guard, knocking the wind right out me.

 

Or I will be on the train from work thinking of all I have before me...the emotional and financial mess he left behind...and I struggle to hold the tears in. Other times I keep my head down so they can flow freely.

 

Around the time things started happening I had what I called ledge moments.

 

I had a friend lined up who I could call or email whatever madness I wanted to say or do to my husband or even to myself. And that friend would talk me off the ledge so to speak. Still does when necessary.

 

Like you, I was upset he had someone to help him get through this. He'd used our marital assets to get her an apartment in a really nice area while he told me to let our family home go into foreclosure. He helped her buy a 2014 car but told me to let our vehicle, which he drove exclusively, get repossessed.

 

And yet, I still held out hope he would see the error of his ways.

 

Instead he filed an order of protection against me the morning I accidentally found out about the car because I'd called her number looking for him. The order was thrown out.

 

The person I knew no longer exists. He is gone.

 

The one quote that's helped me the most is, "If you are going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

[jforthegirl]

Thanks Still I Rise, as much as I wish that no one else had to endure this pain, it is comforting to know that I am not alone.

I have had many moments like you mentioned where I am just going about my day and then some trigger will appear and sock me in the chest. I have left the grocery store, abandoning my basket full of items that I need, in tears many times. Right before Christmas, I barely made it out of Toys R Us before bursting into tears, the thought of the many Christmas plans for our daughter overwhelming me as I shopped.

I feel a little bit lucky that the OW that he is involved with is an EA and she lives out of state. But it is only a matter of time before he starts seeing someone here, I don't think he can make it without being with someone. I don't know how I will be able to handle that. Seeing him with another woman. With the EA, I know that although they think that they are "in love", that they will never physically be together unless she leaves her husband and comes here to live with him. He insists that he will not leave the state, he will not put that much distance between him and our daughter. Anyway, once he starts seeing someone here, I'm sure that I will suffer another major setback in this healing process, so that is another fun thing to look forward to...

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm sorry that our husbands are such bastards. I don't think that either of us deserve this.

And I truly, truly hope that everyone here is right, that time will make this better.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel a little bit lucky that the OW that he is involved with is an EA and she lives out of state. But it is only a matter of time before he starts seeing someone here, I don't think he can make it without being with someone. I don't know how I will be able to handle that. Seeing him with another woman. With the EA, I know that although they think that they are "in love", that they will never physically be together unless she leaves her husband and comes here to live with him. He insists that he will not leave the state, he will not put that much distance between him and our daughter. Anyway, once he starts seeing someone here, I'm sure that I will suffer another major setback in this healing process, so that is another fun thing to look forward to.

At some point you're going to have to ask yourself if someone so flawed, who treats you so poorly, deserves to still be the focus of your feelings. He deserves less...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

 

 

The person I knew no longer exists. He is gone.

 

 

 

He is.

 

 

 

 

IMHO you need to start looking at this as a widow. The husband that you had and that you knew has died.

 

 

There is so much like a death here, I think it is a valid analogy. It's just like someone close to you and that you relied on and shared life with has died. They are no longer there for you. The pain is real. The loss is real. The hopes and dreams of the future also died with them.

 

 

You can't turn back the hands of time and undo death, and neither can you with this situation. He's done too much and gone too far to ever recover from. He has passed on and is gone.

 

 

And like a death you need to mourn, you need to cry, you need to vent, you need to get angry, you need to be sad. And ultimately you need to work through all your greaving stages and come to acceptance and move on.

 

 

The difference between this and death is with most deaths you can do an autopsy and determine the cause. You will likely never know the true cause here and it's probably best that you don't. I know you have yearned for an explanation and an understanding of why, but I am afraid that in order for you to understand why, you would have to become as dark and evil a person as he became and I don't think you really want to go there. I think you best bet is tell yourself that your husband passed on and is no longer with us.

 

 

What would you have done if your husband had been killed on his way home from work one day??

 

 

You would have been in shock and horror. You would have had some panic attacks and fits of crying and anger and despair....

 

 

and then you would have gathered up all your resources and started working on making sure the kids were fed, the bills were paid, you were getting to where you needed to be.

 

 

Then you would have worked on securing your long term survival with things like income, housing, childcare, employment, household budgeting etc etc etc.

 

 

You would call on friends, family and professionals to advise you and assist you in doing all of this.

 

 

And in time you would be back on your feet getting the jobs done and living life.

 

 

In time the shock and horror, the sadness, the anger, the despair etc would all start to fade in the background and things like happiness, joy, hope etc would start to reenter your life and things would start looking up again.

 

 

And the day would also come that someone else special would reenter your life. and the day would also come, with or without someone special, that life was GOOD again.

 

 

Treat this like a death. Do the things you would have had to have done if he had unexpectedly been killed one day. Move forward as you would have been forced to have moved forward if you had been widowed as opposed to abandoned.

[jforthegirl]

He is.

 

 

 

 

IMHO you need to start looking at this as a widow. The husband that you had and that you knew has died.

 

 

There is so much like a death here, I think it is a valid analogy. It's just like someone close to you and that you relied on and shared life with has died. They are no longer there for you. The pain is real. The loss is real. The hopes and dreams of the future also died with them.

 

 

You can't turn back the hands of time and undo death, and neither can you with this situation. He's done too much and gone too far to ever recover from. He has passed on and is gone.

 

 

And like a death you need to mourn, you need to cry, you need to vent, you need to get angry, you need to be sad. And ultimately you need to work through all your greaving stages and come to acceptance and move on.

 

 

The difference between this and death is with most deaths you can do an autopsy and determine the cause. You will likely never know the true cause here and it's probably best that you don't. I know you have yearned for an explanation and an understanding of why, but I am afraid that in order for you to understand why, you would have to become as dark and evil a person as he became and I don't think you really want to go there. I think you best bet is tell yourself that your husband passed on and is no longer with us.

 

 

What would you have done if your husband had been killed on his way home from work one day??

 

 

You would have been in shock and horror. You would have had some panic attacks and fits of crying and anger and despair....

 

 

and then you would have gathered up all your resources and started working on making sure the kids were fed, the bills were paid, you were getting to where you needed to be.

 

 

Then you would have worked on securing your long term survival with things like income, housing, childcare, employment, household budgeting etc etc etc.

 

 

You would call on friends, family and professionals to advise you and assist you in doing all of this.

 

 

And in time you would be back on your feet getting the jobs done and living life.

 

 

In time the shock and horror, the sadness, the anger, the despair etc would all start to fade in the background and things like happiness, joy, hope etc would start to reenter your life and things would start looking up again.

 

 

And the day would also come that someone else special would reenter your life. and the day would also come, with or without someone special, that life was GOOD again.

 

 

Treat this like a death. Do the things you would have had to have done if he had unexpectedly been killed one day. Move forward as you would have been forced to have moved forward if you had been widowed as opposed to abandoned.

 

I really like this analogy, this is good advice. I want to try and look at my situation this way. I just have trouble with all of the bad things that he did before he left. The affair, the lies, the blame he places on me. The way that he so easily moved on and has no concern for me at all.

It's just so crushing. I feel worthless.