Oldspiceywolf Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I've been posting here since October, December I kinda got hooked. I don't know how but I guess when you put it out in the universe somehow it gets to the person. I've wrote about my ancient situation. I've mentioned that she reads my twitter posts and follows me with two accounts. I said something in code a few months back because I was curious how close she follows. I just tweeted happy birthday, not to her just a bland twitter post. I felt bad weird about it so I deleted it but a few days later she direct Tweeted Me thanks, I didn't respond. Yesterday she messaged me to tell me she was pregnant. Honestly I was very happy for her and her husband, she has endometriosis, so I know how difficult a road it was. She really wanted children I hope they have a healthy beautiful child. It was a nice short exchange on twitter over a few hours. It felt good, at no point did I feel sad or like I was missing anything. Actually I kinda felt good I think it was important to her for me to be happy for her and I don't doubt that part of her wishes it was mine(very conceited I know but I get that feeling). After all of it I came home and had dinner with my wife and child and then I told my wife and let her read the conversation. I think she was a little jealous at first but after she thought about it she told me she was glad I was hers and a little proud to have such a desire able man 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 The thing is, did this bit of recent contact just open the door for future contact? Now that you know her news, she's pregnant, does that mean she'll email you pictures of their baby when it's born? My advice to you is, and with your wife by your side, write the xMW an email, wish her well and ask her to please respect NC and not to contact you, as it's pointless. And unfair to your wife and her husband. I'm glad you showed your wife the conversation. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I think you feel fine now but you've opened the door for a flood of emotions that you didn't know would surface because of this.... 8 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I'm not sure what to say but I think it is a good thing you told your wife about the conversation. My gut is, right now, she (xmow) is focused on the birth of her new baby. Maybe it was a nice closure, I don't know. I think it is possible that it might open doors - you will need to be very careful about that. For now just let it all go. Kudos to you for being honest with your wife. My question is - does her husband know? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Um you didn't just put it out in the universe to get to her...you purposely put breadcrumbs on your twitter & then had second thoughts. Why did it matter to you how closely she does or doesn't follow your tweets? Especially after 2 years NC? You feel good because you got a "hit" of your old drug. You got your validation a few months ago confirming that she pays attention to your social media. And now you've gotten the ego stroke knowing she wishes it was your baby and that your wife is "proud to be with such a desirable man." Be careful, Oldspicey... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oldspiceywolf Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Nope, I'm good. If she sends me Pictures it would be nice but I won't look for them. Like I said I'm very happy for her. It's all above board, there will be no phone calls or emails. I don't want sex from her and I don't need emotional support. I don't have time to give her any support. You don't have to believe me if you don't want too but I'll be here to prove it. I did put out bread crumbs. I do like knowing someone quietly pines for me but the key is the quiet part. Almost every OM/OW wants validation that the emotions on the other side were real, why wouldn't we but it's what you do with that knowledge. It's not black and white, it's really really gray and I'm ok with it. If I wasn't here confronting my feelings and my past I don't think I would be making much headway with my personal growth. No friends though, I don't believe in that, but if she wants to send me a life update once a year there would be nothing wrong if I were to reciprocate at that level. I think the main difference in my head space and my life is I am married with a child where as I was a single OM. That doesn't mean that I should play with fire but sometimes you just know when a romantic relationship is in your past and the damage that caused the end of it cannot be forgotten. But like I said you don't have to believe me, time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oldspiceywolf Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 I'm not sure what to say but I think it is a good thing you told your wife about the conversation. My gut is, right now, she (xmow) is focused on the birth of her new baby. Maybe it was a nice closure, I don't know. I think it is possible that it might open doors - you will need to be very careful about that. For now just let it all go. Kudos to you for being honest with your wife. My question is - does her husband know? No he doesn't know that's why further contact should be avoided. She's not healthy enough for anything mature, if she was she wouldn't have found my bread crumb. If he did find out and confronted me I would disclose everything, I want to not be a liar(I think everybody lies even if it's very minuscule). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 OSW, I disagree with your position of it being healthy to want an XAP to pine for you. It is exactly like another poster has stated...you got a fix of your old drug of choice. So, times are supposedly good right now for you, and it still gave you a rush to know she will respond. What happens when you know.....life happens and it becomes more difficult? How easily and quickly do you think you will reach for XAP, now that you just tested her willingness to re-engage you. Affairs are about boundary crossing. Ever so small at first, then the next one...the next...next..... You set yourself up perfectly with your wife. You actually got her to say what an desirable man you are. Almost like permission. And that is what you will tell yourself the next time. XAP is only a friend and my wife already approves. It is called a slippery slope for a reason. And for some reason, you want to dance there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 No he doesn't know that's why further contact should be avoided. She's not healthy enough for anything mature, if she was she wouldn't have found my bread crumb. If he did find out and confronted me I would disclose everything, I want to not be a liar(I think everybody lies even if it's very minuscule). This disturbs me on several levels. She isn't healthy enough for anything mature because SHE found your breadcrumbs? Why did you leave them? And what are you going to disclose if he finds out? I understand wanting to feel validated - truly I do. And I understand wanting to "check in" - but honestly unless you are at a place where you are leaving your marriage and she is leaving hers - it isn't healthy for anyone and your ego was just fed and that kind of makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oldspiceywolf Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 OSW, I disagree with your position of it being healthy to want an XAP to pine for you. It is exactly like another poster has stated...you got a fix of your old drug of choice. So, times are supposedly good right now for you, and it still gave you a rush to know she will respond. What happens when you know.....life happens and it becomes more difficult? How easily and quickly do you think you will reach for XAP, now that you just tested her willingness to re-engage you. Affairs are about boundary crossing. Ever so small at first, then the next one...the next...next..... You set yourself up perfectly with your wife. You actually got her to say what an desirable man you are. Almost like permission. And that is what you will tell yourself the next time. XAP is only a friend and my wife already approves. It is called a slippery slope for a reason. And for some reason, you want to dance there. No, I didn't set my wife up, and life is hard, it's also good. My wife is bi-polar, wel medicated but still a handful. If I was going to cheat on her it could have happened already, I'm not saying I'm perfect I never say never but I want to say never especially with this person. I do understand the fix of a drug analogy. Still no withdrawals! We never made a no contact letter or agreement, not ever. I don't necessarily agree with no contact like most on this forum does, I believe it's a tool to create space and facilitate life change not a law of nature. I've met seven of my wife's ex lovers. We've discussed the protocol for talking to ex's: not I a regular basis. No past relationship talk. No feelings talk. No sex talk. No talking about the other partner unless it's glowing. I do believe it could become a slippery slope if I'm stupid about my actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 No friends though, I don't believe in that, but if she wants to send me a life update once a year there would be nothing wrong if I were to reciprocate at that level. If she were a 'regular' ex from your past, sure why not. BUT, this is your exAP, someone you had an affair with and hurt your wife. I highly doubt your wife would be happy and pleased about this. NC is the only way to go. Out of respect for your wife and marriage. xMW is your xAP and your past. Knowing any detail of her life is actually pointless now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oldspiceywolf Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 This disturbs me on several levels. She isn't healthy enough for anything mature because SHE found your breadcrumbs? Why did you leave them? And what are you going to disclose if he finds out? I understand wanting to feel validated - truly I do. And I understand wanting to "check in" - but honestly unless you are at a place where you are leaving your marriage and she is leaving hers - it isn't healthy for anyone and your ego was just fed and that kind of makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I left them because I wanted to know. I asked, I found out. I did do it in September, I took it back a few days later, so I see your point about where, even if it was the tiniest of tiny breadcrumbs I was misguided, I saw it myself. It's a big if, if he finds out, but if he did and he asked me questions I would answer them honestly it's that plain, that simple. I have no loyalty to her but I would never just volunteer info unprovoked. I don't want to hurt her, I don't care enough about him to flip their world upside down on the notion of spreading truth, but if it came down to me being confronted I would just be truthful in my responses. I really didn't care about the check in, but I did want to validate the time I spent and feelings I had. I know what happened was a product of selfishness by both of us but I wanted to know how much it was about selfishness and how much was about a genuine connection. I'll ask my therapist what he thinks Tuesday and I'll let you know. I never even disclosed any info on my life, I received here and I congratulated her. 4 messages each on twitter. I honestly didn't write this to get blasted, I wrote it because it happened. When I respond to forum posts I try not to care how real the details the OP wrote were.I try to just respond to the situation presented just in case another person in that situation reads it and can use the info. I'm glad you threw up in your mouth, my life isn't easy to stomach, hopefully next time it makes it way past your lips and dribbles all over your chin and clothes ;D Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I do believe it could become a slippery slope if I'm stupid about my actions. All the more reason to completely forget her, move on and not look back. Just don't put yourself in that situation PERIOD and that means NC is the only way to go. No temptation, no chance of that slippery slope. Why even bother. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oldspiceywolf Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 If she were a 'regular' ex from your past, sure why not. BUT, this is your exAP, someone you had an affair with and hurt your wife. I highly doubt your wife would be happy and pleased about this. NC is the only way to go. Out of respect for your wife and marriage. xMW is your xAP and your past. Knowing any detail of her life is actually pointless now. Nope, I didn't have an affair with her while married I was single, she was attached, let my wife read the entirety of message exchange. There is no point in knowing all details, I agree, but I wouldn't mind hearing about milestones because I don't stalk her Facebook page and wouldn't know unless she told me but if she doesn't if won't affect me negatively either. My wife knows about me being here she's knows my handle she's welcome to read all that I write, I tell her about most of it anyways over dinner. I want to be clear my wife is my best friend and we talk about all things, we aren't swingers but our boundaries are quite looser than most. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oldspiceywolf Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 All the more reason to completely forget her, move on and not look back. Just don't put yourself in that situation PERIOD and that means NC is the only way to go. No temptation, no chance of that slippery slope. Why even bother. Have you completely forgotten anyone you have ever cared for? I won't be stupid about my actions. I don't believe in no contact unless you need to create space for emotional healing or you don't trust yourself/them. I trust myself completely, out of all the people in my life I've let myself down the least and I haven't let down many people, I'm kinda a crunch time guy but you don't have to believe me Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 As long as you are one hundred percent honest with your wife and she is okay with it, then what matters is how the two of you feel. What would you do if she wasn't okay with it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Have you completely forgotten anyone you have ever cared for? I won't be stupid about my actions. I don't believe in no contact unless you need to create space for emotional healing or you don't trust yourself/them. I trust myself completely, out of all the people in my life I've let myself down the least and I haven't let down many people, I'm kinda a crunch time guy but you don't have to believe me No I haven't forgotten but they aren't in my life at all anymore. I now know that you weren't married during that time, you were single. Sorry, I thought you cheated on your wife and that's why I was pushing you not reach out at all to the ex taken woman, out of respect for your wife. my mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) In consideration of your honesty here and your openness with your wife regarding the contact, I see it as selfish, yes, but threatening to your marriage at this moment? No. You told your wife, showed her the messages, nothing concealed. Just be aware that you have the tendency to seek admiration (for reasons you will no doubt address through therapy if you are not already doing so) and as you are astutely aware of your actions, I would say that at this time there is little to be overly concerned about. Personally, I would be totally against any contact at all, but I am a BS who also deals with the fallout of affairs and other forms of physical and mental abuse on a daily basis, so my opinions on it are coloured by my own experiences. Edited January 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I though NC meant No contact? I must be confused. Why would you contact your xAP and even set up a situation like this for yourself? Are you sure your wife is comfortable, maybe she is just saying that as not to rock the boat. A situation like this would be highly upsetting to me. Just an fyi on my background I am both a fMOW and a BS. Link to post Share on other sites
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