What is the point?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I have tried calling the suicide hotlines, and with my luck...lines were busy.

 

I have my pills in front of me staring at me. I don't want to, but this pain is unbearable. Reading, medication, therapy, all suggested remedies have failed me. I have been feeling lethargic and alone. It takes energy to even write this, energy I have saved all day by laying around doing nothing but staring at blank walls.

 

For a week, I have been sleeping, lost 10pds and am constantly wondering why I'm here still. I eat food just for nutrition and get sick afterward. My mom mentioned my voice is monotone and she is worried. My dad drops off food that just rots in the fridge and my aunt stops by to hang out for a little, but when she leaves I'm alone again.

 

I feel as though I am swallowing my own funeral twice a day, since without these pills, I'd be long gone. Xanax helps me sleep and lexapro hasn't kicked in yet, as I feel worse than ever. Klonopin helps even everything out and I'm afraid to take the phenobarbital.

 

I'm running out of things to keep myself numb. Music, friends, outdoors, its momentary pseudo happiness. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to get out of bed, I just want to rest in peace. Selfish some may say, but selfish is me staying on this earth in pain so my loved ones won't have to live without me.

 

I will promise to try, each day is a testament to which I have already. I'm still here for a reason. But I'm afraid that it's getting closer, like a black fog of thick smoke reaching closer....I can feel the tentacles of despair wrapping themselves around me, suffocating me. It wants me.

 

I'm about to take some xanax, just enough to put me to sleep, so if I don't reply that is why. I won't end things tonight, I just want to sleep for now. And in the morning, I'll be my best convinced lie.

[Onmymind]

Listen, I don't know what your exact situation is but I can tell you there is ALWAYS a point to live and to thrive. Everyone does so differently! We all have reasons to live and to persevere even in the absolute worst and unfairly unimaginable circumstances.

 

I understand how bad the pain can be, you feel like you cannot control anything that happens in your life and no matter how good of a person you are, life still S**ts all over you anyway...You have to understand that it's not about you, and it's not Karma or any of that crap...

 

Life is really about being with yourself, loving the GOOD things about yourself no matter how simple or common they are. It's about holding onto the good things you've experienced and the ability to long for good things to happen again. It really has to get painfully, agonizingly dark before any light shines through. And in reality, that dark agony is what makes us all appreciate the light so much more. When you lose something you "cannot" replace, like a loved one, you only realize how amazing of a person you are, and how complex your emotions can become, even in the pain of loss.

 

I know this is going to sound stupid, but it's actually something that has gotten me through my pain...It's from South park...but anyways the indirect quote is "I am happy to feel pain, not because I enjoy it, but because it makes me feel human, and that's a feeling that no one can make me feel other than myself."

 

Realize that life isn't ALWAYS going to be like this, it will change, maybe for the better, maybe for the worse. If you want to end everything because RIGHT NOW things aren't going anywhere NEAR where you'd want, then wait longer...Just be patient, suffer for now, but LIVE godammit. I got out of BED to just to come here and type this to you because it upset me. I don't even know who the hell you are, but I can tell you that ending your life is the worst, weakest and most selfish thing you can do. I don't how few people love or hate you, but imagine if you took yourself away from them...You have to provide yourself with your own love before/while others can. Be happy you're alive! At least you have that choice...People in other third-world countries go to sleep not knowing if they will wake up alive the next day. It's amazing how we take things in life for granted...It's not to be a hard ass on you, it's to give you perspective.

 

Just WAIT for it, believe me...I've been through my share of pain but it always gets better, and then worse, then better again. It's life and you have to accept it, love what and who you can and before-hand...LOVE YOURSELF, give yourself that strength. I promise you can empower yourself and conquer anything you set your mind to, you have to want it badly enough.

 

Good luck, I would say "God Speed" but I'm not religious or faithful like that, so "YOU SPEED."

 

:-)

Edited January 5, 2014 by Onmymind

[MistyBlue84]

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. Please call a friend,coworker,family member or your doctor and explain how bad you feel,there is help available. Depression is an illness,a chemical imbalance in your brain,that is not your fault and nothing to be embarrassed about.People care about you! In time things will get better. I wish you well and hope you make that call.

[pickflicker]

Life without your ex who treated you like dog poop on his shoe is worse than life with him?

 

You really need to look at how screwed up your self-esteem is, particularly before you even think about getting into another relationship.

 

You attend your time romanticising your ex into someone you wished he was, when all evidence pointed to him being nothing like that guy. You're not in touch with reality.

 

I don't think you're actually in love with your ex. You're in love with the idea of love.

[Mariposa10]

Please, keep this in mind:

 

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

-Lao Tzu

[xXCountryXx]

Ha, the point is... If you go through... They win. Don't ever let them win. Head up... Through good and bad. Tough times develops character... This is nothing more than a b***h of a test.

[notthathard]

There is a awesome saying that goes:

 

'Sometimes we fall down because there is something down there we're supposed to find'

 

Just imagine what the future holds for you. I know you can't see this now, but you will bounce back from this stronger than you were before. You will learn so much about yourself and life once the pain is gone.

 

Hang in there Cotton!

[Trapito]

BycS,

 

I am so sorry you feel this way. Hang in there hun!

[JourneyLady]

Been there, tried that.

 

Went on and lived to have good times, and more heartbreak as well.

 

I expect more good times to come -- know that they are there waiting for you.

I still miss ex-hubs, still cry from time to time. But if the purpose of this life is to grow, either through pain or pleasure, I am determined to keep growing rather than start all over and maybe have to face the same stuff again in another life. Or be judged as a quitter in the afterlife. I refuse to believe death is an "end" to anything really... Our energies have to go *somewhere* when we die, so there has got to be some sort of afterlife - that's how I see it.

 

Besides, if you do it, they win - you lose. Don't let evil win out.

 

Make a bucket list of all the things you ever wanted to do, places to visit.

Start with the small things and work your way up.

 

Most of all - BE the person who loves yourself fully.

You beat the odds to get born. Now beat them to choose your life!

[organizedchaos]

I have tried calling the suicide hotlines, and with my luck...lines were busy.

 

I have my pills in front of me staring at me. I don't want to, but this pain is unbearable. Reading, medication, therapy, all suggested remedies have failed me. I have been feeling lethargic and alone. It takes energy to even write this, energy I have saved all day by laying around doing nothing but staring at blank walls.

 

For a week, I have been sleeping, lost 10pds and am constantly wondering why I'm here still. I eat food just for nutrition and get sick afterward. My mom mentioned my voice is monotone and she is worried. My dad drops off food that just rots in the fridge and my aunt stops by to hang out for a little, but when she leaves I'm alone again.

 

I feel as though I am swallowing my own funeral twice a day, since without these pills, I'd be long gone. Xanax helps me sleep and lexapro hasn't kicked in yet, as I feel worse than ever. Klonopin helps even everything out and I'm afraid to take the phenobarbital.

 

I'm running out of things to keep myself numb. Music, friends, outdoors, its momentary pseudo happiness. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to get out of bed, I just want to rest in peace. Selfish some may say, but selfish is me staying on this earth in pain so my loved ones won't have to live without me.

 

I will promise to try, each day is a testament to which I have already. I'm still here for a reason. But I'm afraid that it's getting closer, like a black fog of thick smoke reaching closer....I can feel the tentacles of despair wrapping themselves around me, suffocating me. It wants me.

 

I'm about to take some xanax, just enough to put me to sleep, so if I don't reply that is why. I won't end things tonight, I just want to sleep for now. And in the morning, I'll be my best convinced lie.

 

How can you possibly get to this point over a guy who treated you so poorly and said the things to you he said! And then you'd consider suicide over him? REALLY??? Really?

[margot13]

Hey Cotton,

 

Hang in there, I understand it can be so overwhelming and the deeps feel really deep.

 

BUT

 

Imagine how good the highs will be when you get out of this.

 

And I am sure you yourself realize that suicide is not an option in life that is realistic. Besides was he worth that as well as your heartbreak???

 

I wish my words could instantly heal or help as like everyone on this site, we all understand the grief. Have you tried meditation? There is a great phone app called Head Space that I have been using, I must say it helps. Instead of only drugs have you tried "rescue remedy", it can also help. Sorry if these suggestions aren't useful but trying to thing of anything else PROACTIVE (because that is what you need to be as hard as it is) to try.

 

Check in and let us know how you are doing?

[AnyaNova]

Because I almost killed myself over a jerk when I was 19. I would have missed the most beautiful experiences of my life so far.

 

And because I cringe now thinking I almost chose to end my life over his sorry ass. You will get through this and you will too!

 

And that is why I have never seriously contemplated it again. I intend for my life to keep getting better and better.

 

Please look at my threads when I came here and the hysterical depressed weeping dishrag I was.

 

And look at me now and what I am posting. And my ex wasn't an *******. Deeply messed up. Yes. Have me the Jedi mind tuck of the century. Yes. Still an individual worthy of love. Definitely.

 

Don't give your ******* ex the satisfaction. A good guy would feel guilty. He's not a good guy. Your death would simply feed his destructive ego.

[KatZee]

Also, how ironic, but a side effect of anti-depressants is the urge to commit suicide.

 

You very well may be feeling the effects of the anti-depressants, not your actual emotions themselves.

 

Call your prescribing doctor and let him know that you feel this way. You'll either be switched or taken off.

[Simon Phoenix]

You really need to be drug free. You keep trying to cut corners and it just makes everything worse. I wish you would stop doing things like this, just grit your teeth, and ride this out. I mean, how many years have you wasted by trying fast-food, easy solutions instead of putting in the work to recover? You pop pills and go back to a toxic ex because you are too lazy/timid to actually ride it out. If you would encounter the pain and embrace the pain and face things head on instead of trying to find the easy way out constantly, you would get to the other side and see a bright, shining sun. But for whatever reason, you'd rather do everything half-assed. And this is where it gets you.

[Shadowburn]

I have tried calling the suicide hotlines, and with my luck...lines were busy.

 

I have my pills in front of me staring at me. I don't want to, but this pain is unbearable. Reading, medication, therapy, all suggested remedies have failed me. I have been feeling lethargic and alone. It takes energy to even write this, energy I have saved all day by laying around doing nothing but staring at blank walls.

 

For a week, I have been sleeping, lost 10pds and am constantly wondering why I'm here still. I eat food just for nutrition and get sick afterward. My mom mentioned my voice is monotone and she is worried. My dad drops off food that just rots in the fridge and my aunt stops by to hang out for a little, but when she leaves I'm alone again.

 

I feel as though I am swallowing my own funeral twice a day, since without these pills, I'd be long gone. Xanax helps me sleep and lexapro hasn't kicked in yet, as I feel worse than ever. Klonopin helps even everything out and I'm afraid to take the phenobarbital.

 

I'm running out of things to keep myself numb. Music, friends, outdoors, its momentary pseudo happiness. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to get out of bed, I just want to rest in peace. Selfish some may say, but selfish is me staying on this earth in pain so my loved ones won't have to live without me.

 

I will promise to try, each day is a testament to which I have already. I'm still here for a reason. But I'm afraid that it's getting closer, like a black fog of thick smoke reaching closer....I can feel the tentacles of despair wrapping themselves around me, suffocating me. It wants me.

 

I'm about to take some xanax, just enough to put me to sleep, so if I don't reply that is why. I won't end things tonight, I just want to sleep for now. And in the morning, I'll be my best convinced lie.

 

Cotton sweetie please hang in there. If you feel you want to end your life and there is no one to help you, please call 911, they'll take you to the hospital where you will be under medical observation. Lexapro is a good medication and pretty fast acting, maybe it's not a drug for you, you need to ask your doctor to try something else. Please don't take Xanax AND klonopin, they belong to the same class of medication and may cause accidental overdose too. That guy just not worth it, and you will get over him and will move on. Keep us updated xo

[Softie]

I take a small dose of AD however I do believe that alternative therapies & self help reading/learning are a better way forward. Along with exercise & supplements.

 

Too much reliance on drugs isn't good. Your living life numbed.

 

Have you tried any other forms of assistance? Exercise, yoga, mediating, reiki, sound baths, mindfulness - work for my moods.

 

First run today I feel much more up, compared to yesterday when I felt very

Low & sad just see my post from yest. It is well known that exercise is the best drug for depression.

 

Xxxxx

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Put the drugs down and pick up some fruit and start running, you'll feel a ton better. I know it's very hard, seen you around the forums a few times but you will get through this, if I can anyone can. I nearly killed myself too, I'm glad I didn't and I hope you pull through too. *hugs*

[RaidDolEm78]

You have said such positive things to me on my thread, I hope I can now reach out to you. I have to agree, please don't let him win. I know I'm a little bit further ahead of you in this process, but I remember it being around the same time that I was having those thoughts. I thought about crashing my car in some horrific way (my car is in both our names) and everything would be "taken care of". But then, somehow it clicked and I didn't want him to win. I wanted my revenge to be making my life better without him...to be doing it all on my own. I started walking, that really helped, ALOT. Having someone neutral, professional to talk to has helped as well.

I am thinking of you and praying this gets easier for you. Think about using the pain as your motivation for you to come out stronger. You do deserve better!

[Itspointless]

Do not do it! I can promise that next time you will feel depressed for whatever reason you will remember this moment and how much better life became after this. It will give you the strength to endure and to be proud, to proud to do stupid things like this. Life is sometimes rotten but there is so much to enjoy in life, there really is. Also at our gravest moments often the most beautiful things happen! My friends have proven that lately to me, just as your family is showing that to you know. Learn to love yourself and please go in psychotherapy (I am not talking about cognitive therapy), not for a month but for a long time as such things take time. See a therapist as an educator and coach for life, everyone can use a little help what that. It definitely will get better for you!!

 

Also listen to Shadowburns advice and inform your doctor.

[BC1980]

You're taking too many drugs. No drug can change your situation. Some can help you cope better, but you still have to work through this. The ex isn't even the issue. Your self esteem is at rock bottom. This break up is bringing all kinds of issues to a head. I think you were with your ex to try to fix your low self esteem.

 

I know how the despair feels, but I had to force myself to get up and keep going. It's do hard, but you really can do it. So many people have been through this and lived to tell the tale.

[Tayla]

Check yourself in to a hospital or treatment center.

It takes ACTION to motivate you back to health...this is a step for you.Please allow others in the medical field to assist....its your life that deserves it.You are worth it!

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Hanging in there guys...

 

My grip is loosening though and I'm not scared anymore.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I'm tired, I want to go to sleep.

 

Don't you see it? I'm already dead. I've been gone for awhile. All that is left is a blood pumping body walking around like a robot.

 

My cocktail is awaiting me, see you in another life.

Edited January 6, 2014 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[AnyaNova]

I'm tired, I want to go to sleep.

 

Don't you see it? I'm already dead. I've been gone for awhile. All that is left is a blood pumping body walking around like a robot.

 

My cocktail is awaiting me, see you in another life.

 

I'm guessing you're sticking around to read responses to your last post. I'm actuallly guessing you probably won't, but find it more prudent to treat all threats as serious.

 

You're not going to get a bunch of touchy freely crap from me. Because I think the only reason you are doing this other than attention is because you think it is romantic.

 

Get that **** out of your head.

 

Here is the reality.

 

When you die, your bladder and bowel will empty itself, your eyes will gray over, and no cosmetologist will be able to hide the basic fact that you are dead.

 

If you are having fantasies of him running over to your house right after to cry over your prim and beautiful dead body looking just as pretty as in real life with rosy cheeks, you are kidding yourself.

 

The coroner will find your body smelling of urine and of ****. If it is pills you are thinking of, quite likely you will have vomit running down your chin as well. If you choke on said vomit, your face will be swollen.

 

This is why you don't do it and won't do it.

 

It's not romantic it is a stupid waste of something beautiful, your life, and all the possibilities and future happiness you are giving up because you are too lacking In spine to suffer this pain so that you can experience it later!

 

Your profile pic looks a lot like a friend I made years ago at a high school summer music camp. But she had the strength, grit, and spine not to end her life over an ******* who would make such a disgusting comment about finding tight pussy, to his hurting ex.

 

Try pretending you are her for a moment. Have her strength and grit.

 

Don't you want to see his face when you find the guy who is twice the man he ever was and you are ten times happier?

 

But if you think your suicide would be pretty and romantic, get that ****e out of your head. It is a stupid lie. It would be nothing but a gross and disgusting waste of you and everything you are!

Edited January 6, 2014 by AnyaNova

[pickflicker]

I'm tired, I want to go to sleep.

 

Don't you see it? I'm already dead. I've been gone for awhile. All that is left is a blood pumping body walking around like a robot.

 

My cocktail is awaiting me, see you in another life.

 

Oh for crying out loud. I am so sick of these "I'm going to off myself" threads from people making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

Stop trying to seek attention from strangers on the internet. You are NOT dying. You had a breakup. From a man who exemplified everything you do NOT want in a partner.

 

Things are not as bad as they seem.