Being treated with contempt by the stbx and the new guy

[Monodare1]

Hi guys

 

Just said goodbye to my little boy. It's my birthday this coming Friday and I said to get that I would like to see my son on my birthday, keep him over to the Saturday then she can collect him as my friends have invited me out on the Saturday evening since its been a hard year. She promptly said she can't do that as her and her boyfriend have plans. I was raging. I sent her a text below:

 

Lets for one thing straight. 1.) im entitled to see my son.

2.) I'm not an unpaid babysitter for you and your boyfriend.

3.) im entitled to as much a life as you are.

 

Asking to see my son on Friday nite is not an unreasonable request.

 

Did I do the right thing, is this business like or does it seem based more on emotion?

[strive]

definitely based on emotion and she probably got satisfaction out of seeing you come undone.

 

is your ex the type to be spiteful/vengeful? if she is then you probably shouldn't have mentioned going out saturday. her plans might not have been that important but made it seem so just to ruin your plans.

[Monodare1]

She called me to suggest that we be amicable and that although she is going away for the nite with her new boyfriend (on the day of my birthday) that she is willing to drop my son at my work. As I don't drive that gives my son and I a pretty hefty track back to my home town. I agreed to that.

 

I just feel so hurt, alone and let down. She said that she presumed I would be having one nite stand after one nite stand so I wouldn't mind that she had a boyfriend, whereas, for some dumb reason, I haven't even kissed another woman, let alone done anything sexual as I felt somehow it would be wrong as the stbxw and I are still married.

 

She obviously has a different moral code than me. I feel so upset and lost just now. My poor little boy was crying as he left me. I'm at such a low ebb. When will things ever pick up?

[M30USA]

definitely based on emotion and she probably got satisfaction out of seeing you come undone.

 

is your ex the type to be spiteful/vengeful? if she is then you probably shouldn't have mentioned going out saturday. her plans might not have been that important but made it seem so just to ruin your plans.

 

This is exactly why I reveal nothing to my ex-wife other than absolute essentials regarding the kids. The more she knows, the more she can intentionally sabotage.

[M30USA]

She called me to suggest that we be amicable and that although she is going away for the nite with her new boyfriend (on the day of my birthday) that she is willing to drop my son at my work. As I don't drive that gives my son and I a pretty hefty track back to my home town. I agreed to that.

 

I just feel so hurt, alone and let down. She said that she presumed I would be having one nite stand after one nite stand so I wouldn't mind that she had a boyfriend, whereas, for some dumb reason, I haven't even kissed another woman, let alone done anything sexual as I felt somehow it would be wrong as the stbxw and I are still married.

 

She obviously has a different moral code than me. I feel so upset and lost just now. My poor little boy was crying as he left me. I'm at such a low ebb. When will things ever pick up?

 

You and her having "different moral codes" is something you should seriously ponder and reflect upon before making a decision to split or reconcile.

[Monodare1]

There is no way back. I didn't go with other women while we are split because I firmly believe that when you are married, you make a promise, not only to your spouse but to yourself. I've been out to clubs and pubs with friends but not felt like pursuing anything. Obviously the ex felt differently. She in another relationship less than 6 months after we seperated, even though we have a toddler together.

 

It will be full speed ahead to divorce as far as I'm concerned. Her lying on her back for another man has definitely seen to that.

 

After all of this pain, makes me wonder if j can trust another woman again or if its worth the gamble to out yourself back in the singles arena again. Just feels like I've been hurt and hurt again with all the relationships I've been in.

[LadyLee]

Truthfully dating is the last thing that you two should possibly be focused on.

 

I'm in a similar boat though I've been separated since Nov 2011 and divorced since May 2012.My ex still is bitter and makes things hard for me and my current. Hang in there. The focus should be the kid.

[Monodare1]

Trust me, dating in not on my mind. I'm just so angry that She has put her own Selfish wants ahead of our sons needs. My soon to be three year old was In tears as I handed him back to her and she's dropping my son at my work (leaving my son to travel on a usually cold wet journey by public transport) so she can meet up with her new boyfriend for a dirty nite away on Friday (my birthday!)It makes me sick. How can she treat our son like this?

[Monodare1]

It's only just 6 months since we split!

[strive]

How can she treat our son like this?

 

Are you sure you're not projecting?

 

Look, it really sucks that she did a ****ty move especially since its your bday, but don't make the fight about your son. You and your stbx both wanted something and you're angry she got her way.

 

The source of the conflict is what to do with your son, don't push him to play the victim card. If he were any older he'd feel that this is all his fault. Actually idk, maybe he MIGHT be old enough to think it.

 

Sorry that your stbx is immature enough to play games like this. Looks like the burden of being the mature parent is on you.

[carhill]

This appears on the page as a row between co-parents. Your son is a toddler and you can celebrate your birthday with him on any day which works out for both co-parents.

 

Sample solution: Go out with friends Friday night and celebrate birthday 'adult style' since that's your actual birthday, then celebrate privately with your son on Saturday, which is apparently your customary day and where it appears STBX has plans.

 

Kids pick up more on emotion than logic. Yours felt the tension and reacted. Get ready for many more years of this. How you handle it is a choice. Good luck and hope things work out.

[dienstag]

Sorry but i feel practically obliged to comment here.

I have two 3 year old toddlers (twins) - separated with stbx since aug2013- hate my exs guts to bits as he has been cheating on me for a long time behind my back, while i trusted him because i believe in good in people(and still do!!!!)

 

Anyway please listen to this:

1 be resonable and DO NOT involve your son in the emotional battle between you and your ex. I can tell you from experience it DOES effect toddlers. Parents fighting makes small children nervous, they cry more than reasonable, being difficult and cranky - the main reason they feel that something is going on ( in your case that you are hurting but can not yet fully understand why)- for the sake of your son get a grip of yourself and stop feeling emotionally attached to your ex. It HURTS your son!

My boys 3 months ago and now are uncomparable (even nursery commented on that)- it really makes a huge difference if you let go and do not project your pain on your son

 

2. You are hurting so bad because you did not let her go emotionally- she is not your wife anymore and you owe her nothing - fidelity, decency or anything else. SHUT the door!

As much as i hate my ex i so much do not care what he is shagging now.

Things are not perfect - i also loose it sometimes and let my anger slip ( like today for example but i apologised for my anger outburst and said for childrens sake we should keep the balance and he should sort out his mess himself)

 

3. I seriously do not see why you are still holding on to her? You can still be parent for your boy but you do not need to be anybody for his mother

 

Have a good bday! Enjoy and let it go!

[RightThere]

Love what Dienstag wrote. I've got a 4 year old with my STBXW. She is still as selfish as every and there is nothing I can do about it. She gets a whole week to herself, and still manages to dump our daughter off on friends during the week she has her because more important social engagements come up.

 

Don't bite. The most important "fake it 'till you make it" is with your kids. Never talk badly about your spouse. Don't project your unhappiness with your spouse onto you kids. Just love them to bits and enjoy the time you do get with them. Turn every negative (long commute in the rain) into a positive (fun adventure you two get to share).

 

My STBXW can continue banging every male she can get her claws into and I could care less. I am loving the fact that I have only one person now in my life that I can focus all my positive energy onto (my daughter) versus before where I put all my positive energy into the black hole that was my STBXW.

[Monodare1]

Dienstag, I understand and appreciate what you are saying, it's just that I have been under so much pressure what with the situation regards our house, my dads dangerous illness and now the exes big reveal that it has felt like I do not know what the hell is happening at times. While she is moving on with her life, I. Stuck in an almost impossible situation with little help.

 

All I asked of her was could I see my son on my birthday so that I can see him on the day of my birthday and get the opportunity to spend some time with my support network of friends the following evening as my son and friends and father are all I have just now and she replied that it was inconvenient as her and her 'new guy' had planned a nite away together that nite. So essentially what would have happened had I not made that request would have been my son getting left with his grandmother Friday nite and then myself getting his Saturday nite while the ex lives the life of Riley. She works full time so hardly sees him during the week, then dissapears off with the new guy.

 

When does she make time for him?

 

I go out once a month and in between try to be the best dad I can.

 

It angers me as I feel as if I am the only one concerned about how my son feels.

It just feels like she is putting her wants and needs and new relationship ahead of what's really important, namely our son

[RightThere]

It just feels like she is putting her wants and needs and new relationship ahead of what's really important, namely our son

 

It feels like that because SHE IS DOING THAT.

 

But guess what. You cannot control what she does. Not now, not in the past, and not going forward. So don't try. You will drive yourself crazy.

 

Focus on what you can do with the time you have with your son. Every hour, every minute with him is a gift. So treat it as such.

 

Your ex will continue to be selfish, and will not put your son's priorities above her own. You cannot change that. So don't try. Do everything with your son during your time to show him he is your first priority.

 

It sucks watching someone do that to your son, but in truth, he is not in any immediate danger. He's just not getting the best of both worlds. He will be fine in the long run because you are going to show him that he is the priority in your life. And one day down the road (probably looooooong way down) he will realize on his own that his mother was selfish.

 

Come here to vent anytime, but release your anger here and be as positive as possible when you are with your son.

 

Good luck.

[Monodare1]

Thanks right there. It has been tough, she has a large reasonably young family behind her whereas ( due to being born to older parents) I feel like j have been battling since the split. Trying to keep an Eye on things with my so n, look after him when I have him, tend to my elderly father while he has been really quite ill and worry about the sale of the house and consider the divorce and work full time has been really difficult and the exes seemingly blasé attitude to our son while she pursues this new relationship (she even went into how she met him during a heated discussion about our son on the phone) has really taken its roll on me and when I asked to have my son a day earlier to see him on my actual birthday and to catch up with my friends the following evening, she treated if like an inconvenient crime, only relenting once I stated that I had a right to see my son on my birthday and I had a right to a private life as much as her.

 

It really has been such a battle the past 6 months and in filled with trepidation regards the next 6 months

[RightThere]

Don't sweat the small battles with your ex. There are going to be lots of them, I promise. When someone acts selfishly like your ex, they will battle all the small things because they are never wrong or willing to give in.

 

This will be an exercise in patience, and no one is going to give you the props you deserve for doing the right thing. Your reward will be much later on when you have a well adjusted son who loves you and an ex who continues to be a train wreck.

 

Hang in there and keep doing the right thing (and not the right now thing).

[strive]

monodare, I know how you feel about your ex not giving enough time for your son. My ex is the same, he gets my daughter every other weekend, then lets his parents take care of her while he's out doing whatever/whoever to the point that it's become useless to communicate with him, and I directly communicate with his parents.

 

It really really hurts when the person who should be loving them treats them like a leper. And the worst part is seeing your child feel hurt by it. She feels the rejection too. But I've long learned to accept the fact that there's nothing I can do but pick up the pieces. We do something nice when I get her back after the weekend. And sometimes if she doesn't want to go to his house, I don't force her. The most rewarding part is when she says "I love being at home with you, mommy."

 

Your child will know you're doing your best. They feel it because they're smart like that.

[Shocked Suzie]

You've allowed her actions to effect you too much because you are hurt... Which is normal and understandable. Without doubt don't give too much of your personal info/plans to her, if you want to see your son and she is putting herself (which she will) in front of your son then you move around for your sons sake "this is not about her or being an easy babysitter" it should be simply seeing your son.

 

Keep your contact/conversation purely business 'son/money/divorce' no personal stuff thrown in ... It just hurts!

 

I manage "most of the time" by mentally putting things into separate boxes, what needs to be done, what needs to be moved, what is rubbish... "What is important and what is my personal goal for moving forward" ... Took time to do but it works for me 'it's like writing a to do list' when I get overwhelmed and confused by emotion I take stock and do this... It validates my goal/aim and puts things back in order.

 

Probably sounds a bit mad but thought I'd share it

 

SSx ... Remember she has gone, her focus has changed and she's not the woman you married.

 

 

P.s being single is a very wise and self recognising thing to do 'it's healthy' and important for you to find you. I've been single for a year, I'm happy I made that choice, the roller coaster of emotions this past year would have been very unhealthy for a new relationship if I'd been in a relationship and one night stands wouldn't personally make me feel very good...after a short while you will be happy for some personal space!

[Monodare1]

I know for a fact that I would not be a benefit to a new girlfriend just now as there is far too much going on right now, surprised the ex hasn't felt the same.

 

I couldn't invest any time or money on some one else while I have a son to worry about/house to sell etc

 

I do feel extremely lonely at times especially during the tougher times, would be nice to share the burden, but I know that I will have to walk a lonely path to get to where I want to be, free of her, house sold, maybe debt cleared, place of my own where my son and I can spend weekends together.

[Shocked Suzie]

I know for a fact that I would not be a benefit to a new girlfriend just now as there is far too much going on right now, surprised the ex hasn't felt the same.

 

I couldn't invest any time or money on some one else while I have a son to worry about/house to sell etc

 

I do feel extremely lonely at times especially during the tougher times, would be nice to share the burden, but I know that I will have to walk a lonely path to get to where I want to be, free of her, house sold, maybe debt cleared, place of my own where my son and I can spend weekends together.

 

if you have the strength and insight to have that vision early on... It will happen!!

 

The loneliness passes as you get stronger, find a comfortable path and start the breaking away process...

 

Understand your pain, it does get better

 

SS x

[RightThere]

The most rewarding part is when she says "I love being at home with you, mommy."

 

On the flip side, my daughter does it to me sometimes, but when they are with you, they may complain that they want to be with their other spouse more often. I chalk it up to the fact that they don't get enough time with the other parent, so they overcompensate.

[ElecTriX]

It feels like that because SHE IS DOING THAT.

 

But guess what. You cannot control what she does. Not now, not in the past, and not going forward. So don't try. You will drive yourself crazy.

 

Focus on what you can do with the time you have with your son. Every hour, every minute with him is a gift. So treat it as such.

 

Your ex will continue to be selfish, and will not put your son's priorities above her own. You cannot change that. So don't try. Do everything with your son during your time to show him he is your first priority.

 

It sucks watching someone do that to your son, but in truth, he is not in any immediate danger. He's just not getting the best of both worlds. He will be fine in the long run because you are going to show him that he is the priority in your life. And one day down the road (probably looooooong way down) he will realize on his own that his mother was selfish.

 

Come here to vent anytime, but release your anger here and be as positive as possible when you are with your son.

 

Good luck.

 

I just have to say thank you so much for this. I am in the exactly same position and reading this made me feel a little better.

[winston36]

I'm dealing with so much of the same right now, best of luck to everyone. It makes all of the good advice for dealing with a volatile spouse/breakup hard to apply when you have small children and they are essentially hijacking them. My posts in recent days tell my story, but we are all in the same boat. We can't go with the full No Contact route and try to stay in their lives until this all gets sorted out by courts, etc. And, because the other person has them as the de facto "home" the majority of the time, we are the ones that have to instigate nearly everything with regards to seeing them. Plus, as one poster said earlier, they seem to get off on the pain their inflicting with their spite and carelessness. By far the hardest part of this separation and impending divorce battle. In my case, since she kicked me out of the house, she now likes to dictates the terms of where I take them when I get them (i.e. "I don't like his place, or her place isn't safe"), with no rhyme, reason or logic. Hang in there.