Should children be told about the affair?

[rumbleseat]

Do you think children should be told, calmly and in an age appropriate way about the A ? What if they suspect something and ask about it? What if they are adults?

 

In short, do the children have a right to know, or should they be told, even if they ask, that it's really none of their business?

 

My personal belief as that is most certainly IS their business, as it may very well have a profound consequences for them. While very small children probably shouldn't be told (unless they ask), the older they get the more they should know about what's going on and how it will affect them.

 

I don't mean that the bs should ever run down the ws, more that an open and honest answer should be given. Something along the lines of " mom and dad are going through a difficult time right now, and I made the poor choice of starting a relationship with someone else. I'm very sorry that my choices hurt you and your mom, but it's over and I am working hard to learn better ways of behaving and I will never do it again. No matter what, we both still love you. Do you have any questions you'd like to ask? " . This can teach them a lot about honest and accepting responsibility for one's actions.

 

I also believe that children know a lot more and are a lot more perceptive that adults realize. The influence of mass media has brought the idea of cheating and affairs to everyone's attention, ( from what I understand, there are mass media ads, even billboards, for websites for people looking for an affair, not to mention all the banner ads etc. that come up on the Internet) . Even if a child doesn't see these themselves, they will probably still hear about them through conversations with friends, etc.

 

This means that they might even recognize the signs of an A before the bs does. Hiding the cellphone, deleting texts, spending huge amount s of time texting or online, taking many phone calls in private, etc. . They may even come across something when they are using the family computer.

 

To sum it up, should children be told? What if they outright ask? What if they are older children or adults? Is it okay to lie to them? If so, isn't this just "gaslighting" them as well? What are the possible long term consequences of this for them and their future relationships? Is honesty still the best policy?

 

My answer to that is " yes"

Edited January 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove reference to other discussion and move to Parenting

[Shepp]

Totally!

 

Because said parent becomes a totally completely different person!

 

and everyone has the right to know what the people in their company are like, child or adult. So you can make an informed judgement!

[juicygirl]

Sorry to say I disagree. I believe that children should be kept out of adult business and not exposed to this kind of behaviour.

I was the child of a cheating parent and it has a negative effect on future relationships. I knew because of arguments and adult conversations taking place in front of me and my sister and to be honest I wish we hadn't known.

Ive also had friends who have been told about a cheating parent and it always seem out of spite and bitterness trying to be passed off as a conversation of understanding.

 

It should stay between the two adults involved to resolve the issue.

[Shepp]

I believe that children should be kept out of adult business and not exposed to this kind of behaviour.

 

Once it happens bam there exposed! You cant pretend it hasn't happened!

 

Everyone has a right to make a free choice and your taken that away, forcing kids to live a lie!

 

What about when they find out? because if one thing should come out of affairs it should be knowing that the truth always comes out.

So then your left with finding out both your parents lied to you.

[carhill]

I think parents should be uniform in the examples they set and the communications they have with their children.

 

If their policy is to be open and transparent about their adult business with their children, then it should be consistent.

 

An example in this realm, as an inconsistency, would be counseling a child to avoid infidelity or be wary of those who are/demonstrate unfaithful behaviors, while engaging in such behaviors themselves. This was evidenced in my generation by the 'do as I say, not as I do' style of parenting.

 

IMO, such 'adult' conversations with children are unique to each parent/child relationship and dependent upon the cognitive and emotional development of the child. Children change rapidly from infancy to 'going away to college' and IMO there is a different and unique dynamic relevant to each stage, respecting both the development of the child and the parenting style of the parent.

[Silly_Girl]

I've tended to be open with my son all his life, but gently. So if there were money worries, health issues, imminent redundancy, relationship issues, yes, I would put age-appropriate words to the problem rather than him sense/guess/wonder/worry.

[Tayla]

Its often a matter of what is the motive behind this information?

 

First, its an adult discussion....

 

If good comes from discussing it, then speak it at a time that is fair to all parties involved. I've learned that neither is pure white and that more often then not....the act is unforgiveable yet the persons can be forgiven....Kids rarely can process the adult nature of this type of betrayal....Leave it for a time where it serves the lesson.....

[glowing]

Sorry to say I disagree. I believe that children should be kept out of adult business and not exposed to this kind of behaviour.

I was the child of a cheating parent and it has a negative effect on future relationships. I knew because of arguments and adult conversations taking place in front of me and my sister and to be honest I wish we hadn't known.

Ive also had friends who have been told about a cheating parent and it always seem out of spite and bitterness trying to be passed off as a conversation of understanding.

 

It should stay between the two adults involved to resolve the issue.

 

This. Children are CHILDREN, to be protected, not used as weapons

[Silly_Girl]

Ive also had friends who have been told about a cheating parent and it always seem out of spite and bitterness trying to be passed off as a conversation of understanding.

 

That's where the mistake lie in my view. Point scoring is wrong, full stop.

 

A child being told that sometimes an adult stops loving one person and starts loving another (for example) and it's difficult and sad but everyone will be okay is not bitterness, in my view. Particularly if the new adult is going to be in their life.

[Madman81]

When I was still in the "angry stage" after XW ended things following her revelations, I wanted to tell everybody. However, despite my impulses, I didn't tell our kids about it. They were small when we split (5 and 2), and even though I remained in the angry stage for about 2.5 years, I kept quiet about it.

 

That was the right thing to do. Ten years have passed and XW and I have a very good, quite friendly working relationship. If I'd told them, nothing would have been achieved except to make them unhappy and damage the necessary future working relationship. I would have been telling them only to make myself feel better, which would have been pretty selfish.

 

What i told myself was that, if either of the kids ever asked me if either of us had cheated in the marriage, my response would be that I didn't and that's all I knew, and if they wanted to know about their mom's actions, they'd have to ask her. They've never asked, and it's irrelevant now.

[juicygirl]

Why would you tell a child information about an affair. Even if the child is 14 and has questions, you need to answer the questions with kid gloves. The child will be aware of a split etc but they do not need to know the details so the parents can feel better about their choices, that's madness. You don't consult your children about other adult issues and decisions so why would you do it with this?

 

Knowing my dad was a cheat just made me hate him and chose sides with my mum. It makes you feel like your family isn't good enough.

 

 

I don't see a good enough reason. If the new party is going to be part of the childs life, I wouldn't introduce children to that sencerio for a while. Let the child get use to mummy and daddy not being together before you bring in a third and fourth wheel.

[pteromom]

Yes, absolutely. There is no way to hide something as big as an affair from children.

 

This may be true, but children also have great ability to make everything about them. I remember learning that my dad had cheated on my mom. It felt like he was cheating on all of us. I felt like if we were better kids, he wouldn't have had to do that. It was information I really didn't need, and it affected me deeply in my adult relationships!

 

Kids aren't stupid, and they know when there is tension in the home. If no one tells them that mommy and daddy are having problems but still love one another, they will assume the worst.

 

But you can tell them that without disclosing the affair.

 

They have the right to learn how to handle the real world and its various problems.

 

So if Daddy can't get it up and it is affecting your sexual relationship, should they learn how to deal with that too? Some situations are ADULT situations, and an affair is one of those things.

 

If parents don't expose their children to life's problems, they grow up without the coping skills needed to handle those problems themselves.

 

They can learn that just by seeing you repair your relationship and/or go through an amicable divorce. They don't need the dirty details.

 

Telling your children that it's "none of their business" discourages communication between parent and child.

 

There's a lot of gray area between "it's none of your business" and "Daddy slept with Aunt Sara." You can give enough information to let them know what is going on without giving them so much that they worry or blame themselves.

 

When a marriage has problems and the children aren't informed, they grow up believing that how their parents behave with one another is how marriages are supposed to be.

 

This is true whether or not they are informed. Believe me, being informed of the affair brings its own set of issues! Trying to reconcile the dad who gives you piggy back rides with the guy who chooses to step out on his family is just NOT something children have the ability to do yet. They don't yet know about sexual desire - they just believe that they aren't enough so their dad/mom had to go elsewhere for love.

 

It's a conversation a parent can have with their adult child years later, when the child is dating seriously and has more of a grasp on the issues in a marriage that could lead to an affair.

 

So to summarize - no, I don't believe you should tell a child about an affair.

Now if the child finds out on his/her own, then yes, you need to talk to them about it.

[Shepp]

It's a conversation a parent can have with their adult child years later, when the child is dating seriously and has more of a grasp on the issues in a marriage that could lead to an affair.

 

So to summarize - no, I don't believe you should tell a child about an affair.

Now if the child finds out on his/her own, then yes, you need to talk to them about it.

 

I think, different people will want different things.

 

Like Id be fuming if I found out something like that later on in life! I'd feel incredibly betrayed, and robbed of by chance to be angry back when it happened.

 

 

That's the BS just wanting to feel vindicated and "See it's not my fault look what he/she did!".

 

I went to school with a lad, he used to go food shopping with his mum as opposed to football with his dad on Saturdays.

Why? cause his dad was a cheat!

If he hadn't known that he'd of made a different choice! ...but he had the right to know the information and make a choice based on that!

Edited January 6, 2014 by Shepp

[pteromom]

I think, different people will want different things.

 

Like Id be fuming if I found out something like that later on in life! I'd feel incredibly betrayed, and robbed of by chance to be angry back when it happened.

 

The difference is that if you are fuming as an adult, at least you have the knowledge and power to understand and work through it. You know what questions to ask your parents to get resolution.

 

Children can't understand affairs. They are just left to define marriage and infidelity on their own, like a huge ugly weed growing in the garden of their childhood.

[Silly_Girl]

I genuinely don't see why children can't process marital breakdown when we expect them to process bereavement, illness, house moves, bullying etc. I don't know why it's 'special' in that way.

[Shepp]

The difference is that if you are fuming as an adult, at least you have the knowledge and power to understand and work through it. You know what questions to ask your parents to get resolution.

 

Children can't understand affairs. They are just left to define marriage and infidelity on their own, like a huge ugly weed growing in the garden of their childhood.

 

I dunno, see just from a personal point of view if my parents had split up because of an affair I can't say how I would of reacted...I know I'm bull headed and in my eyes I feel affairs are a hell of a crime! I know I'd of been angry, I'm pretty sure I'd feel disappointed, I don't think we'd have anywhere near the relationship we have today.

But had my parents seperated and one of them told me they'd had an affair 10 years ago, and lied to me all that time since...I think I'd be less likely to even try to work through it! It would of just made a mockery of however many years it was, I don't know if there's any resolution to that.

 

 

I think affairs are cowadly, if you can't even hold your hands up and own it that's even more cowadly.

My parents never had affairs, my close family have always been steady relationship wise...but I just think your relationship with your kids is one of the things you gamble with when you choose an affair...I dunno, I guess I look at my boys and there too little to understand anything about anything but I just don't see how you could begins to rationalise doing something the you wouldn't want your kids to know about.

[krazikat]

Yes, absolutely. There is no way to hide something as big as an affair from children. The parents arguing/crying/not speaking to one another, one parent leaving the house, etc. are not things that can go unnoticed. Even if you manage to hide some of these things from them, they will still pick up on the more subtle changes. Kids aren't stupid, and they know when there is tension in the home. If no one tells them that mommy and daddy are having problems but still love one another, they will assume the worst.

 

 

 

Yes, they have the right to know. They have the right to learn how to handle the real world and its various problems. As I said in another thread, the job of parents is not to shelter their children. Sheltering rarely does more good than harm. The job of parents is to teach kids how to interact in the world and cope with the "adult problems" they may one day face themselves. If parents don't expose their children to life's problems, they grow up without the coping skills needed to handle those problems themselves. Childhood is the foundation of our lives and shapes our perceptions of the world. Coping skills are meant to be taught at a young age, not something you're supposed to magically learn at 18. Of course, you shouldn't just throw the door wide open when it comes to exposing them to things. Anything you do should be done in a controlled manner.

 

Telling your children that it's "none of their business" discourages communication between parent and child. They learn that there are some things they can't ask or talk to their parents about. IMO, this line of thinking reflects an overall pattern of what I call "lazy parenting." Many parents today don't want to do the hard work of parenting. Take violent TV for example. They either just let their kids dive in without guidance or do the opposite and try to keep them away from it completely. They don't take the time to sit the kids down, watch it with them, and explain why violence is bad and why TV doesn't accurately reflect reality. They just expect the kids to somehow learn it on their own. Children come into this world like little sociopaths. They're selfish, and they think things like hitting people are okay. "Stop hitting your brother because I said so" only goes so far. Children, most importantly, need to understand the why behind things so that they can generalize those explanations to other situations and behaviors.

 

 

 

When a marriage has problems and the children aren't informed, they grow up believing that how their parents behave toward one another is how marriages are supposed to be. It affects them, their relationships, and how they see the world for the rest of their lives. If you can't be honest with your children, don't expect them to be honest with you in return. It won't hide the truth from them; it will just teach them that, even though you tell them that lying is wrong, it really is okay to lie when you don't want someone else knowing the truth.

 

Both of my children know of my husbands affair.

 

I made sure they both knew allll the details...just kidding!!! Seriously though, my adult daughter overheard my h on the phone with ap and was the one to initally warn me...very awkward. So she already knew something was going on, and when things blew up she knew what was what.

 

We never told the other child about it, but she asked our oldest if my h had cheated. My oldest would not discuss details but ya, they both put it together without either of us actually saying anything to them. Kids are capable of thought and knowing when things arent right.

 

My oldest refused to speak with or even deal with him for a couple months after dday. I had a convo with her where I also admitted my r with om and that my h still loves her and will always be there for her. She felt betrayed and lied to by his cheating also. Too many people discount the impact infidelity has on kids. They also discount how smart kids are. If you lie to your kids and they know you lied, what is that telling them?

 

I have always taught my children to be honest and have integrity. I must also demonstrate that behavior to them. So as painful as it is to discuss, you still must be honest in a careful, appropriate, and loving way.

 

And never try to have a kid get in the middle or pick sides.

[Tayla]

Its not lieing to maintain your marital woes til a time where a YOUNG adult can process this with objectivity. Children are by far not geared to be objective. In general the question was geared on children, not young adults or those entertaining the dating scene. To put it bluntly and on a personal level, parents rarely share their bedroom activities with their children...nor should they....so to counter pose a question to all those in favor of spilling the beans....becareful and manage your words wisely....Its not lieing to leave adult matters to the adults.

[h9dlb]

My then 12 year old daughter was present when I found out about the affair. Initially she was very angry with her mum. Within a couple of days she became her mums toxic friend which was a disater for me and caused me double heartache. 2 years later, my daughter is only just starting to come round to being with me.

 

That said children shouldn't be used as pawns or scoring points because I went through this with my own mother and resented her for it.

[Silly_Girl]

I feel as though the debate is operating on 2 levels here. The people who are against talking to the children seem - mostly, apologies for the generalisation - to be anti because they feel strongly that the kids shouldn't be poisoned against one parent, or shouldn't have to see the bitterness between the parties etc.

 

My feeling is that it *should* be possible to address these things in a neutral, age-appropriate way without the kids being used as a pawn.

 

I guess the crux of it is that few parents achieve that.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Kids do not need to be privy to adult subject matter at young ages. They do not need to know every gory detail about their parents' affair. They do not need to hear their wayward parent disparaged, called names and belittled, which is what usually happens in these cases.

 

I was the one who discovered my mom's affair at 16. I told my dad what I had heard and he took it from there. To his credit, he never ever once disparaged her in front of me or my siblings. Not even once. He wanted us to love her as always.

 

What good does it do, really? There are some things that young kids just should not be told until they are much older.

[nittygritty]

Kids do not need to be privy to adult subject matter at young ages. They do not need to know every gory detail about their parents' affair. They do not need to hear their wayward parent disparaged, called names and belittled, which is what usually happens in these cases.

 

I was the one who discovered my mom's affair at 16. I told my dad what I had heard and he took it from there. To his credit, he never ever once disparaged her in front of me or my siblings. Not even once. He wanted us to love her as always.

 

What good does it do, really? There are some things that young kids just should not be told until they are much older.

 

I think that is a good reason why parents should talk to their kids about an affair, in an age appropriate way. Imagine if a child knew or strongly suspected that one of their parents was cheating on their other parent and didn't feel comfortable enough to talk about it. That would be a tremendous burden for a child to carry that could be very damaging and lead to mental health issues. An affair isn't usually a secret that is easily kept for very long. People gossip, the Other Woman or Other Man could make their presence known, the cheating parent could be bringing their kids around their affair partner and acting inappropriately. The kids are at risk of finding out about an affair, if they don't already know or strongly suspect. I think talking to your kids about traumatic events is much better than not talking about it and pretending that everything is fine when they know it is not.

 

When parents separate, kids automatically may think it is their fault. It would be incredibly cruel and dysfunctional to leave them feeling that way rather than being honest with them and discussing in an age appropriate way the reasons why their parents aren't together.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I am not saying to hide and act like everything is hunky dory.

 

But what good does telling a young child that Daddy screwed someone outside of the marriage going to do? Why not just tell the child that Mommy and Daddy cannot be together anymore and that they both love the child. That is not the child's fault.

[nittygritty]

I am not saying to hide and act like everything is hunky dory.

 

But what good does telling a young child that Daddy screwed someone outside of the marriage going to do? Why not just tell the child that Mommy and Daddy cannot be together anymore and that they both love the child. That is not the child's fault.

 

And what if it's a young child telling their parent that their other parent has a girlfriend or boyfriend? Or perhaps they have witnessed or overheard their parent acting inappropriately with the Other Woman or Other Man? How does a parent find out what kids are thinking without talking to them about it? I'm not talking about crossing boundaries by oversharing too much age inappropriate information but I do think parents need to discuss traumatic events with their kids. There is no way of knowing what kids are thinking or what they are aware of without talking to them about it in an age appropriate manner. Children are going to ask "why" their parents cannot be together anymore. "Just because" doesn't cut it. They need to have a basic understanding of the reasons why their parents cannot be together in order for them to know that it is not their fault and that it had nothing to do with them. It can be done without emotionally alienating them from the other parent. I think kids are more aware that something serious is wrong than you are giving them credit for.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Well if you want to give down and dirty, intimate details to your kids, that is your choice. I just wouldn't.