Supergirl_x Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Hi dunno where to start, but me and my boyfriend have a lot of little arguements, which we can usually sort and get over but this time he has went to far He went on to me saying I can't go my friends house, when I've known my friend since I was 5 years old, I'm now 23... We have been together 2 years, and comes out with rubbish as 'I should be more important' and 'why are you putting her first' I AM NOTHING OF THE KIND. I SEE HER ONCE EVERY 6 MONTHS AT THE MOST WITH HER BEING AT UNIVERSITY and us having different lives... I seen my boyfriend every couple of weeks and even go on holiday for a week with him in the summer time every year. He said he needs to know where I am when I'm at my friends house, and should have her address so that he can search it up on google earth.... :/ He says that I'm placing more importance on my friend than him, for some reason when I'm really not, and also says that I need to record any conversation I have with her and hr family, which is absolutely ridiculous. This is beyond anything I could cope with, and I didn't wanna have to get parents involved but I texted his mum and told her what was happening and if she could have a chat with him and she 'told him off' lol I know your all thinking wtf.... But it's what I needed to do, it hasn't really stopped..... He's even brought my aunt who was like a second mother to me into it, I use to stay at my aunts house every holiday with her kids, my cousins four of them who were like brothers and sisters to me. She was involved in am abusive relationship for years which resulted in her being a really bad alcoholic, anyway my bf said that 'maybe she deserved it' and I can not believe he went so low... I get it that it was a heat of the moment thing but there was no need for that and to go so low... He keeps saying he's sorry but I haven't responded yet and I'm sick of giving him chances of him saying sorry..... Hence the reason I actually picked up the courage to text his mum to talk to her about it cause if I told mum she would never let me see him again. He has aspergers and he has his meltdown moments half the time I don't know if it's a nasty streak or just his condition. Cause we have been pretty strong for two years now, and we have great times together, I'm just so confused..... I love him so much and I feel like I'll have no one if I break away from him. Don't tell me to break up with him Ffs, My mother does tell me that when have arguements we should have 'me time' just to calm down and not talk to each other until we are calm again.... But really in the heat of the moment you cannot just go, when there is so much on your mind and your shouting and screaming at each other trying to get your own point of view across... I want to sort this and I just wondered if anyone has anyone's help as to how I can resolve this relationship where we keep fighting with each other all the time ? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 yeah, but fighting is a power-grab, if he can not accept your simple logic, then there you are, he wants to control you, I would not be surprised if he attempts to control you over other things in your life too, me tarzan you jane Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 He sounds very controlling. I agree that I suspect there's other traits too. Have a read and see if anything else is similar. Spotting And Dealing With Possessive Controlling Boyfriends/Girlfriends © | Emmrys Dawe Parlee Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Hi dunno where to start, but me and my boyfriend have a lot of little arguements, which we can usually sort and get over but this time he has went to far He went on to me saying I can't go my friends house, when I've known my friend since I was 5 years old, I'm now 23... We have been together 2 years, and comes out with rubbish as 'I should be more important' and 'why are you putting her first' I AM NOTHING OF THE KIND. I SEE HER ONCE EVERY 6 MONTHS AT THE MOST WITH HER BEING AT UNIVERSITY and us having different lives... I seen my boyfriend every couple of weeks and even go on holiday for a week with him in the summer time every year. He said he needs to know where I am when I'm at my friends house, and should have her address so that he can search it up on google earth.... :/ He says that I'm placing more importance on my friend than him, for some reason when I'm really not, and also says that I need to record any conversation I have with her and hr family, which is absolutely ridiculous. This is beyond anything I could cope with, and I didn't wanna have to get parents involved but I texted his mum and told her what was happening and if she could have a chat with him and she 'told him off' lol I know your all thinking wtf.... But it's what I needed to do, it hasn't really stopped..... He's even brought my aunt who was like a second mother to me into it, I use to stay at my aunts house every holiday with her kids, my cousins four of them who were like brothers and sisters to me. She was involved in am abusive relationship for years which resulted in her being a really bad alcoholic, anyway my bf said that 'maybe she deserved it' and I can not believe he went so low... I get it that it was a heat of the moment thing but there was no need for that and to go so low... He keeps saying he's sorry but I haven't responded yet and I'm sick of giving him chances of him saying sorry..... Hence the reason I actually picked up the courage to text his mum to talk to her about it cause if I told mum she would never let me see him again. He has aspergers and he has his meltdown moments half the time I don't know if it's a nasty streak or just his condition. Cause we have been pretty strong for two years now, and we have great times together, I'm just so confused..... I love him so much and I feel like I'll have no one if I break away from him. Don't tell me to break up with him Ffs, My mother does tell me that when have arguements we should have 'me time' just to calm down and not talk to each other until we are calm again.... But really in the heat of the moment you cannot just go, when there is so much on your mind and your shouting and screaming at each other trying to get your own point of view across... I want to sort this and I just wondered if anyone has anyone's help as to how I can resolve this relationship where we keep fighting with each other all the time ? Why not? He is manipulative, controlling, obsessive and emotionally abusive. Unless he seeks help for that, nothing is going to change. If some guy asked me to record conversations I have with friends or provide addresses so he can cyber-stalk (let's call it what it is) , I wouldn't think twice about kicking his sorry butt to the curb. That is creepy and highly inappropriate. You can't resolve this relationship because they are his problems. If he chooses not to get help, you have your answer - he isn't interested in resolving anything and it will get worse. Much worse. I can guarantee that. Decide for yourself if you deserve a better partner. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I was going to try to respect your request for a solution rather than an empty break up with him, but the part about him wanting you to record your conversations with her is simply over the top. That is not healthy or normal at all. To say that somebody deserved to be abused is sick. When he hauls of & hits you down the road is he going to tell you it's your fault for making him mad? If you love him that's nice but do you love yourself? A man who loves you, trusts you & is proud of you that you support your friends & family in their times of need. Too many fights means you don't have a great relationship, so what, exactly, are you hanging on to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl_x Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Well he has aspergers. one day our relationship is great next day he will saying this **** about something he completely fine with... i dont get it myself..... but the first step is made, hes got councilling appointments back on the agenda and as long as he goes along to these im happy to be with him and support him as he is obviously trying. he has apologised for being such a nasty person and saying such things. his ex was best friends with a guy and ended up cheating on him, she was a horrible manipulative person who made everyone hate him... i get that it effected it and i know thats probably why hes having trouble with our relationship also the fact his own father was always quite harsh on him as a child.. he would slap him over the head and say nasty things etc. i guess theres no excuse for it but everyone deserves a second chance hmmmmm Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Well he has aspergers. one day our relationship is great next day he will saying this **** about something he completely fine with... i dont get it myself..... but the first step is made, hes got councilling appointments back on the agenda and as long as he goes along to these im happy to be with him and support him as he is obviously trying. he has apologised for being such a nasty person and saying such things. his ex was best friends with a guy and ended up cheating on him, she was a horrible manipulative person who made everyone hate him... i get that it effected it and i know thats probably why hes having trouble with our relationship also the fact his own father was always quite harsh on him as a child.. he would slap him over the head and say nasty things etc. i guess theres no excuse for it but everyone deserves a second chance hmmmmm You're damn right there's no excuse for it. OP, please don't justify or rationalize his abuse. Yes, those things are awful and I am sure he's struggled to deal with them. Nobody should be subjected to such mistreatment. And neither should you. Be very, very careful moving forward. He's going to need intensive therapy. If you insist on clinging to the relationship, don't slide into enabler territory. Take a step back for your own sanity. Also, out of curiosity, who told you how awful his ex was? Him? The reason I ask is because you already know he is a manipulator. He can and will spin a story to make himself look like the victim. That's common with people like him. I'm not necessarily calling him an outright liar, but it would be foolish to assume that everything he's told you is accurate. Just something to think about... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl_x Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 You're damn right there's no excuse for it. OP, please don't justify or rationalize his abuse. Yes, those things are awful and I am sure he's struggled to deal with them. Nobody should be subjected to such mistreatment. And neither should you. Be very, very careful moving forward. He's going to need intensive therapy. If you insist on clinging to the relationship, don't slide into enabler territory. Take a step back for your own sanity. Also, out of curiosity, who told you how awful his ex was? Him? The reason I ask is because you already know he is a manipulator. He can and will spin a story to make himself look like the victim. That's common with people like him. I'm not necessarily calling him an outright liar, but it would be foolish to assume that everything he's told you is accurate. Just something to think about... okay. his mother mentioned that she was manipulative. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 okay. his mother mentioned that she was manipulative. :/ That explains a lot. It sounds like he got burned pretty bad before and he trying to manipulate the relationship so it doesn't happen again. Even in your most stable and loving relationship where you have shared interests and everything, it's healthy to have a little time apart. "Yeah honey, go do your Mud Run. I'll see you after the race!" or "Have fun at your Yoga class!" or whatever. The key to any successful relationship is to have meaningful communication. I mean, sitting down and having a heart to heart. But, bring something to the table. If you say, "Look, me and my girlfriend are best friends and you're just going to have to deal with that." Well, you're just bitching at him and no one wants to hear that. Come up with viable solutions to come to a happy median. Meet him halfway. Most importantly, reaffirm to him how much he means to you, and your friend is never going to take that away. Also, talk to him about his condition and see if there anything medically that can be done to get a handle on it. Also, listen to him! Even if what he's saying sounds absolutely absurd to you, it's a REAL problem for him. So, LISTEN! Talk to him in a calm and meaningful way. Listen to what he has to say. And bring something to the table and compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
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