She's not that into me (very long, sorry)

[ForlornHope]

We’ve been married for 7.5 years and together for 10. A couple years ago, she and a couple friends started hanging out with a new circle of work friends. She commutes, so she spent much of her free time when I was busy with work or other things, with this group. One of them, I was certain had romantic feelings for my wife and I expressed my discomfort with her being around him many times. She has always wanted to remain independent (after watching grandmother and mother basically become slaves to their men) and I was more than willing to let her have that, I want her to stay because she wants to stay. So we’d talk about it, she would assure me there was nothing on her end, so it shouldn’t matter what feelings he had. I disagreed and told her as much but was not going to make any demands. Eventually, knowing the relationship made me uncomfortable, she started to hide aspects of it. She got in the habit of keeping things secret from me.

 

That relationship ended poorly, as you can imagine, when his love remained unrequited. But habits had been created, and when a work acquaintance of hers really started to flirt, she start meeting him without my knowledge. Nothing happened beyond kissing, but she saw the guy infrequently when work would allow for a few months. She was excited by this new relationship, though she knew she was married and didn’t want anything longterm with him. So she admitted the cheating to me, broke it off with him and we made up. Well, at least, I took her back. And we didn’t really talk about why she cheated, what caused it or what to do from there. We really just ignored it.

 

Around this time, we started planning and preparing for an expensive vacation. Our original honeymoon was not much to speak of, so we had a chance to take a nice vacation to be our sorta honeymoon 2.0. And she was as affectionate and loving as she’d ever been (I have never really had any complaints, she’s always been awesome, even during the worst times), but about three weeks before our trip, I caught her texting a mutual friend.

 

I was less forgiving this time, as you might imagine, but she was on her knees with tears in her eyes and I loved her so much. She said she couldn’t understand why she did what she did. She said it felt good to start a relationship that wasn’t marred by her past mistakes -- something new and pure. It wasn’t something she was really looking for, but it happened and it felt good.

 

After many long talks, we decided the trip would be where we’d see if we wanted to patch things up. The trip was awesome, things were great, things felt good. She was affectionate, but a little distant in bed during the trip, but it was a wonderful time. We get back and things aren’t as great. We have vacation hangover, we no longer had that goal of preparing for the trip so life seemed a little empty and she was super distant. Things improved for a couple months, seemed to be back to normal.

 

Which brings us to October, where she suddenly has zero interest in sex. It has been a frustrating four months, because discovering her feelings on the matter have come piecemeal. At first, it was just a lack of libido so, of course, I attempted to help her fix that. Then I discover it’s because she feels something is missing between us. Try to rekindle that, but she reveals it’s something she has felt for a while. Why would she cheat, after all, if there wasn’t something wrong with us? So I go to work trying to get her to share the part of her she got in the habit of keeping secret. But later, there's the revelation of her constant feelings of guilt and regret.

 

It’s taken me a while to sort out, with a ton of missteps along the way (including a couple weeks of me initiating sex, but telling her she can stop as soon as she was uncomfortable, which was fairly quick every single time and in retrospect pretty dumb on my part). She was still affectionate, lots of touching and hugging and cuddling, that stuff, but even that has died down quite a bit lately. So, she feels like she has ruined this relationship and it is tainted. She doesn’t feel at peace, unable to forgive herself for what she’s done. She also can’t get past her idea that something is missing between us. She’s not sure if this is what she wants. She doesn’t necessarily want to jump out of this marriage into another relationship (she has cut off all prior communications), so she sometimes considers what her life might be like just being alone and independent.

 

We talk as much as we can, I instigate most of that. She is uncomfortable and anxious anytime we have a talk, and it takes her a while to start to open up. Usually, at the end of the conversation, she feels better and I feel a little better, but my good vibes tend to die off pretty quickly. Sometimes I don’t feel better at all.

 

I asked her a week ago to make the sacrifice of starting to be completely open and just give herself to me to make this work. She said she wasn’t sure if the desire was there to do that. I was pretty upset and starting packing a bag to leave. It got emotional, I did a bit of yelling (we don’t do that, really, we are both very calm people for the most part) at her. She broke down crying, somehow we made a promise to keep trying for a while.

 

I wake up everyday filled with doubt. I don’t know what to do to make her attracted to me again (and I understand that may never happen, which breaks my heart). About a year ago, she did lose 40 pounds, get a pixie haircut and take on a different look. But it was gradual and I lost some weight, added some muscle and changed my look some, too. She told me she’s never found me more attractive looking, so I can only assume it’s something I’ve done or am doing that has changed the way she feels for me.

 

This is very confusing. Outside of the doubts and uncertainty of how this will end and a lack of a romantic love in our relationship, everything is as it was or pretty good. We have small fights more often now, but I think that stems from our frustration of both wanting something and not getting it (me wanting all of her, and her wanting to love me like she once did). Money troubles are a constant and worry her, but while that used to be something she took care of herself, I’ve recently started organizing that and playing a bigger role in those kinds of things. So what do I do? I read contradicting things. Some say that I need to make myself more attractive and be a bit aggressive toward sex, like I was when she first was attracted to me, to rekindle some evolutionary want in her or something. Other sources say that by me wanting sex when things aren't good between us makes me look desperate and unattractive. So those two things don’t really track.

 

I’ve turned my eye to myself, trying to improve me and prepare me for when the marriage ends (because honestly, I’m just starting to get the feeling that things aren’t going to get better, but neither one of us knows how to disentangle our lives). I know that while trying to discover the problem with us, I spent a lot of time emotionally leaning on her, while she bottled things up inside. She might consider me unattractive for being so needy during that time. I’ve come to think she might be staying more because she worries about hurting me more, and how much she wants to take care of me. So, I’ve tried to show my own independence more, but I have no idea if one thing is working or if it is making things worse. Asking her doesn’t really lead anywhere, she seems just as lost and confused about all this as I am.

 

I’ve suggested marriage counseling, but my wife is a therapist and she knows that for marriage counseling to work, both spouses have to have the same goal and she’s not sure right now if this is her goal. She feels wayward on what her goal should be. We’ve talked about her going to therapy solo for a while then maybe doing counseling later, but nothing has come of it because we can’t really afford counseling right now for either of us.

 

Thanks for the help.

[Sand Man Dan]

Dude listen. Your wife cheated on you. Emotionally and physically. She begged you not because she was soooooo sorry, but because her ego would have been bruised had you kicked her to the curb like she knew she deserved. The whole rejection thing stings.

 

She cheated on you. Which means she doesn't respect you. Which essentially, despite what she TELLS you, means that she doesn't love you. You need to divorce this woman even though you love her because the feelings you have and the feelings she has are just simply not the same. You deserve happiness in a great loyal spouse and don't even settle for anything less or let her persuade you differently.

 

Remember, if she fights divorce, she's not fighting for you. She's fighting for her pride.

[twosadthings]

The piece that's missing in your relationship is the piece that is your wife. You're taking up time and space on your own. If she left or you left her you'd be no less off than you are now.

 

Twosadthings

[Mr. Lucky]

I’ve suggested marriage counseling, but my wife is a therapist

I was certainly floored when I got to this statement. As a therapist, you'd think she'd know the damage that lies, deception and cheating do to a marriage. Physician, heal thyself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BehindTheseHazelEyes]

Why are you letting her hang on? She has stated that she doesn't know if her goal is to stay married. So you make the choice and stop letting her eat cake and you accept her crumbs.