How do physically flawed people go about dating?

[bson1257]

For people like myself with a lot of physical problems, how can we go about dating?

[Oomlotte]

Just be yourself - in the end that is what people like about you. It may seem naive but I honestly believe it's true. People are very wrapped up in appearances these days but those are NOT the people looking to make real and valuable connections with another person. If you are rejected because of your appearance count yourself lucky - those who reject you are not open to truly finding something real with someone else.

 

That is my opinion, but I know if I feel that way there must be other people on this earth who do, too.

[Grumpybutfun]

OP

What exactly do you mean by physically flawed?

G

[FitChick]

What are your flaws? Perhaps you are the only one who notices them.

[nomadic_butterfly]

For people like myself with a lot of physical problems, how can we go about dating?

 

Try to find meet ups and online dating sites for people such as yourself. I am not sure if you have disabilities or unconventional looks but there's always a site for all kinds of folks. There are lots of stellar looking people who can't get or keep a significant other to save their lives so if you have a radiant personality and self confidence, you will eventually attract someone with potential. All the best!

[Onethirtyeight]

For people like myself with a lot of physical problems, how can we go about dating?

 

Like others have said what are your perceived flaws? It also matters if you're a man or a woman.

 

This is really too broad of a question to give a specific answer.

 

The reason I ask is because I'd break this down into three major categories:

1. Minor quirks, like being short, having a crooked nose, asymmetrical face etc. in that case just do the same thing anyone else does and find someone that likes you. I'd say something like that isn't a big deal at all and it is not hard to find someone you like who doesn't see that as a drawback.

2. Physical deformities, like having a hunch back, or missing an arm, not being able to move half your body and so on. In that case you're probably going to have to really work to get to know a lot of people who are going to look past this stuff and it isn't a problem for them. Maybe consider online dating

3. Stuff you did to yourself, like smoking, drinking, being fat, having acne etc. find someone else in the same situation

Edited January 5, 2014 by Onethirtyeight

[CarrieT]

Physically flawed people date the way everyone else does: By realizing that EVERYONE has flaws.

 

That is what makes us human. Internalizing those flaws only make them larger in one's own eyes. Accepting them belittles them and eventually makes them non-existent.

[Mrlonelyone]

If you mean flawed as in...

 

 

 

 

the harsh truth is they often don't.

 

 

Your best bet is to find a similarly affected person.

[bson1257]

OP

What exactly do you mean by physically flawed?

G

 

Too many to count, but it is also made worse by having BDD.

[TB Rhine]

Stuff you did to yourself, like smoking, drinking, being fat, having acne etc. find someone else in the same situation.

 

I don't subscribe to the "stay with your own kind" philosophy, myself, but I'd say that when it comes to anything physical that makes you physically conventionally unattractive (over- or underweight, over- or under height, scars or deformities, etc.), or limits your physical capabilities drastically (such as certain neurological and muscular disorders, disabilities and so on) - try to strike a balance between never approaching anyone for fear that they'll think they're better than you, and approaching the most gorgeous guys and gals in the room all willy-nilly, as if physical appearance completely doesn't matter.

 

First off, stop even bothering with the perfect 10's... forget all the fat guy/skinny wife sitcoms, it's not gonna happen. Also steer clear of people significantly younger, or of significantly higher socioeconomic status, than yourself.

 

Next, take care with your appearance... I've learned that nothing looks sloppier on a big guy, for example, than an untucked pullover and a pair of shorts. Better-looking guys can pull that look off, but I can't. So go the extra mile to make yourself a little more presentable.

 

Also keep up with hygiene... keep yourself freshly shaved, brushed, washed, and laundered. I've found that a lot of "less than perfect" people take the same attitude with their bodies as folks do with a beat-up old jalopy - why bother cleaning picking up the garbage off the floor when the thing's already a hoopdy? Reject that attitude w/ extreme prejudice.

 

Learn to read body language, and if a girl wants nothing to do with you, take the hint and run away fast. You're just wasting your time, and at further cost to your sense of hope, confidence and self-esteem.

 

Finally, be upfront about your romantic intentions. Ugly ducklings tend to try and put off the eventual rejection by coming on in a "friendly" or ambiguous way, (hence the whole Friend Zone epidemic), thinking they'll have more of a chance with the object of their affection once he/she gets to know them. Don't bother. If your physical appearance (or capability) is a dealbreaker, that's not going to change because they find out you like to talk about the same TV show. Ask your special friend out, offer to pay for their meal, and don't forget to go for the kiss at the end of the night. You'll find out where you stand right then and there.

[Eau Claire]

Too many to count, but it is also made worse by having BDD.

 

So, you don't have any realistic image of yourself. As a nurse, all I can say is treat your BDD. Otherwise, no means of evaluating or suggesting anything practical.

 

BDD if diagnosed by a health professional should be treated by a health professional.

[bson1257]

With all the competition, it seems like the average male shouldn't be able to get any dates. How do average guys have any kind of success with online dating?

[carhill]

IME, online dating success has come from cherry-picking women I'd otherwise meet and date IRL and forming up an original and sincere reply to their profile and leaving the rest to the gods.

 

For the most part, it always worked pretty well. My rejection rate from OLD was far less than that IRL, mainly because I wasn't asking married and attached women out on dates.

 

I was an 'average' guy who had a lot of the dating challenges routinely seen here on LS. I'm not young anymore and have been married so I guess those experiences don't really count for much anymore. BTDT, glad it's over.

[Elle1975]

It's all about taking good pics. Today a guy messaged me. His profiles had two pictures, both with his son, and on both pics he was wearing sweatpants, and wasn't shaved.

 

I don't want to see your kids on your profile, or maybe one pic. It's not that I don't like kids, it's just that it's a dating site, not a MeetUp.

 

So, take nice clear pictures of yourself. Maybe a pair of good jeans with a nice Tshirt (if that's what you're into). I like having a feel of what you look like on a week day (before you jump in your baggy sweats, we all do it, I just don't need to see it yet).

 

Nothing wrong with average. Not everybody looks like a supermodel.

[SJC2008]

You gotta stand out since all we/they see is a sea of pictures. Get some douche gear like affliction or a striped tank top, put a hat on backwards and I gurantee your views will go up. More views more chances!

[somedude81]

Unless you can pass for a male model, don't bother with online dating.

[carhill]

IDK, even my exW said I photographed poorly and IIRC all my profiles always had timed shots set up on sticks, the same way I take passport photos, except not a neutral face against a neutral background. I still got dates, actually quite a few. Like I said, cherry-pick women. Be selective. A man's got to know his limitations, and accept them.

[Sith Apprentice]

Average and above average looking men shouldn't waste their time online. The only attention you're gonna get is from these god awful single mothers who are fat and ugly.

[haribogumsnickers]

Average and above average looking men shouldn't waste their time online. The only attention you're gonna get is from these god awful single mothers who are fat and ugly.

 

Spoken like a true sith. These women that you're referring to, get attention from guys like you. Balances the force.

[jay1983]

By lowering their standards, which means big girls for average guys.

[Baller25]

"How do average men get dates using OLD?"

They don't.

[Blaze997]

Oh come on you all have got to be kidding. I'm no better than average, 5'9", skinny like 140 pounds, and sort of awkward looking if anything and online dating has been an absolute godsend.

 

My strength was in my preparation. I took about 100 pictures of myself with female friend help and only picked out a few for my profile. I put actual effort into writing about myself, and I tailor my messages to show that I read the girls' profiles. And its not like I cheated on my photos or anything because the success usually continues once I meet the girls. I have issues building a lasting emotional connection but that isn't the fault of OLD.

[JungleLover]

My last 4 relationships have been from OLD and I have been on a few dates with others from online between my relationships. Some were almost relationships but somehow just didn't get there in the end.

 

I can tell you the women all complain about the same thing. The guys have their shirts off in photos and they all ask the same superficial uninteresting things once they finally start talking to the women.

 

 

Here is, generally, what I learned about OLD

 

First thing you need, and this cannot be emphasized enough:

 

1. You need some good photos! The photos are your front line for standing out. Don't post the photo of you in the mirror. Get the photo of you standing on top of Mt. Rushmore.

 

2. Don't put up too many photos. Let her see your body, your face, some of your friends and you in an an interesting location and that's it. That 6th photo will be the photo that turns her off.

 

3. Everyone likes traveling and walks on the beach. Don't say it in your profile.

 

4. Don't say too much in your profile. I keep mine short and snappy. Avoid the essay. Getting to know you comes with the emails, texts, phone calls and dates.

 

5. Don't ask boring stuff like "so what you like to do on the weekends?" when you finally are writing her back and forth. Really, really try to get to know her. I pry a bit but at least they know I am really interested in them. Don't be afraid to pry. Before sending your response to her, ask yourself, "what are the chances 10 million men have already asked her this?"

 

6. Do not play games. On the contrary of what you might think, many folks on these sites are just fed up with the games so be sincere.To expand on this, do not pretend to be busy when you are not. When I am at home bored, I let the woman know and maybe I will have someone to keep me company later.

 

7. Use the paid sites. There is a huge difference. People who invest their money into this tend to be more serious about it.

 

8. I don't read profiles initially and many of the women don't either. I send messages to those who are my type physically and then I go from there. I start reading profiles after we get to the point at which we are communicating. Why spend time reading War and Peace only to have the woman stop responding to my messages after 2 exchanges? There can be a lot of reading of profiles depending on how active you are. Who has time to read through every thing? So I really do think we shouldn't be so hung up on someone who doesn't know your profile in and out, especially when most of them say similar stuff such as loving travel and how you love their kids. You are supposed to love your kids.

 

9. Men also have to deal with many of the same stuff women complain about. I have run into the obsessed psycho once, the happily married woman who just wanted sex, the recently divorced that just wants sex, the ones that just can't take a hint and the ones that disappear all of a sudden never to be heard from again.

 

10. You get flooded with "matches" initially to give you a great first impression experience, I assume, when you first start then things die down dramatically.

 

11. About 70% of the responses you get will probably be from big women. I am not saying that any thing is wrong with that but if that is your thing, you will be good there.

 

12. I find that not moving too quick to phone calls works. I just keep communicating through the dating site until things naturally move to the phone. Half the time, I let them give me the number. Don't try to force things. It will come off as unnatural and pressured.

 

13. Continue to date and search for that special person until things move to an exclusive relationship if that is your ultimate goal. Like I say, sometimes things seem like they are going very well then "poof," that person drops off the face of the Earth. You don't want to try back pedaling to your second or 3rd option after you dropped off the face of the Earth on her too.

 

14. Women have it a lot tougher on these sites. They get an avalanche of responses and it can take years before they reply to you.

 

 

 

Those are the things I have discovered and find what works for me. If you disagree then just keep using your methods or whatever you learned from your experience and I'll use mine.

Edited July 3, 2014 by JungleLover

[Assasda]

Well they have some rules.

 

- Like dont put negative things in your profile, or dont talk about things that you dont like.

 

I'd also say, talk about things that you may like that are niche.

If youre really into Star Trek, talk about that.

 

girls that are into the niche stuff will probably respond immediately

[atmandu]

Up your conversational and writing skills.

 

Allow me to prove my point:

 

Find a 'good looking male' headshot that doesn't look like a stock photo. Perhaps from another city/country on pof.com or whatever site. Upload it to your profile.

 

Now try and "get a date". Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying misrepresent yourself, I'm just saying that you should TRY. I bet you will fail.

 

Why?

 

Because you suck at conversation and writing.

 

How do I know? Because I did too when I asked such questions on forums like these. (Your insecurity and inexperience comes through by the nature of your question ...no offense intended)

 

Here's what I learned:

 

 

1) Good pictures are important, but not as much as you think: No stupid faces, don't try too hard (ideally a natural photo with you and your friends)

 

2) Username selection is often your first selection. Choose wisely and practice getting a fun and playful username (JohnnyBoy2394 does not work)

 

3) Do not just say "Hello" or "Hey, how's your weekend?"

 

4) Don't make the obvious stupid comment about her profile or photo. Everyone does this and doesn't make you stand out. You can work in what she says to a longer email somehow, but it shouldn't be your opener

 

5) PURE NUMBERS GAME. I'm a good looking male (my mom thinks so), yet I only get a response about 10-20% of the time. OF THOSE RESPONSES I can only secure 15-30% phone calls. Of the phone calls I can close it to about a 75% chance of a date. I will easily craft 10 reasonably well thought emails every single damn night. The result? After 1-2 weeks I've sent close to 140 WELL-THOUGHT-OUT emails and get back a reply to 14-30 of them. From those I can get 2-4 meetups...maybe.

 

This is all a pure numbers game -- get your writing skills down like a jedi and persevere. Be bold in your emails and get the phone call/date ASAP (either the very first email or the 2nd)

 

 

ps. Don't compliment her on her looks or photo or hobbies. If you must do a "compliment" then do it via an oblique angle where she will not notice it.