RedHawk08 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 So I've just packed up the very last of my wife's things 9 months after she left. She's picking it all up in two days. 4 of the 5 boxes are mostly wedding things we kept. Including the dress. Man, seeing that again HURT!! I would rather take a kidney rupturing again every day for a week than to have done this job tonight. She looked so beautiful in it. Still puzzles the hell out of me why she wants all these things. Says "It's disrespectful to leave it all with me", when she's treated me with contempt for most of last year. I hope it cracks the ice around her heart a little. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I'm sorry you are going through this. Because wedding gowns are so expensive, there is a market for second hand dresses. Maybe she wants to sell the stuff? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedHawk08 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 Well the dress is hers after all. Wedding dresses on ebay are going for next to nothing. Ones very similar to hers. Just so many there that the value is rock bottom. There is nothing else there of any value in the boxes. Just sentimental things. Cards, a picture I drew of her, little Valentine's Day tokens. Nothing of monetary value. Maybe there is a heart there. Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Stuff is just stuff man. But I certainly understand that it is tough to go through stuff like that. When it comes to personal stuff like pictures, or wedding dress, it's just very hard to go through. Cherish the memory, and keep your head up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedHawk08 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) Well she's not even filed yet. Time will tell. Edited January 5, 2014 by RedHawk08 Link to post Share on other sites
Yarrow Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 It's just stuff. It's just a dress. Just let her take it. It's not even your dress. What were you going to do with it? Wear it? Put it on a mannequin and display it in your living room? Just let it go. This can't be just about a wedding dress. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedHawk08 Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 You're quite right. It is about more than a dress. I guess this stuff is the last connection before divorce proceedings. A divorce I never wanted and did all I could to prevent. I still love her. It's just sad that a couple that was so happy can be derailed so quickly and finally. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I am sorry you are hurting like this. Let the dress go and it will be a step in your healing process. I still loved my husband 6 months after I threw him out and I was already divorced by that time. I still loved him another 6 months later. There is no timescale about healing, everyone is different but trust me you will feel better after time. One day you will wake up and realise that the big ache in your heart is gone. One day at a time and keep going - you can get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
keepontruckin Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Get rid of it all. I even sold my ring. Burned all the pictures. Get rid of EVERYTHING! If she ever comes around again, you'll want to start fresh anyhow, so no use keeping the old... Link to post Share on other sites
samiwilliam Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Wedding dress are really costly now a days. its really a difficult task to find good wedding dress at reasonable rates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedHawk08 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 She picked it all up from my brothers house. Very friendly, lots of hugs toward him apparently. I wasn't there. She thanked me for boxing it all up later. I've asked her if we can sit down in person to discuss exactly what's going to happen in this divorce, that she has been stalling for nearly 9 months. She's evasive again. Not answering texts properly if at all. I think the note I attached to the wedding dress might have shaken her. "Thank you for standing by me through the bad times. It's sad you can't be with me for the great ones now. You deserved then." Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 The note was a mistake. Emotional blackmail. What were you hoping to achieve by this note except giving her a guilt trip and making her feel bad? Surely you didn't write it to make her feel good about herself, did you? Keep the emotion out of the practical. They don't mix - oil and water.... It's a very bad idea to permit your emotions to infringe or interfere with what you must practically do. no wonder she's being evasive now.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedHawk08 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 It certainly wasn't intended as emotional blackmail. I wanted to give thanks and try to dissolve the bad feeling that has been generated between us. Most of it by her friends. You can't make people FEEL guilt. That is something in themselves when they know they have done wrong. Believe me, she has done a lot of wrong! I have forgiven her and got nothing but "cornered rat" style abuse because she has a problem taking responsibility. She would rather transform her guilt into attacks on me. There's little I can do when faced with that. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 It certainly wasn't intended as emotional blackmail. Do you sincerely believe she will see it that way? I wanted to give thanks and try to dissolve the bad feeling that has been generated between us. Most of it by her friends. That's what you are telling yourself... but I suspect there is an element of 'getting back at you'.... You can't make people FEEL guilt. That is something in themselves when they know they have done wrong. Oh come on... don't be so pedantic. I know as well as you do that you can't 'make people feel' anything. But you can throw the rat in with the cat and see what happens then..... Believe me, she has done a lot of wrong! I have forgiven her and got nothing but "cornered rat" style abuse because she has a problem taking responsibility. See, there's your resentment and motivation, right there.... She would rather transform her guilt into attacks on me. There's little I can do when faced with that. Then do little. Or better yet, nothing. By responding or reacting, you give her what she wants. Remember, she can't make you respond or react. But she can throw the rat in with the cat.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedHawk08 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 I can't take a passive aproach to life. Yes, I am aware that sometimes my actions may do more harm than good, I'm still learning. No one handed me a guide book on life. When I make mistakes, I'll put my hand up and admit to it. Then I'll seek to redeem myself by correcting those mistakes. All I wanted, is for my wife to realise that we are all human. We all make mistakes. I have sat there and seen the guilt in her face. I made a similar mistake a decade ago. I know how heavy those mistakes weigh on a conscience and how it's easier on your soul to run away and blame the other person for your actions. It doesn't last forever though. Whether she stays with me or not, I love my wife enough to want her to live her life without that guilt. By accepting my forgiveness in exchange for some honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 The problem is, you both have to want the same thing, for that to happen. And the likelihood is low on the sliding scale. One: quit beating yourself up. Two: Separate emotional from practical - and keep them poles apart Three: seek dignity and maturity in your thoughts, words and actions. Four: know that nobody ever got the Guide Book. But 'he is not a fool who makes mistakes. he is a fool who does not learn from them.' Move on. You can forgive all you like. How she responds is her baggage. Link to post Share on other sites
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