herself Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 (edited) Its difficult to believe in marriage in general believing as [wrinkles] set in, things sag or a few pounds are gained or the newness of sex wears off and your spouse isnt racing home from work to see you, the same old same old. After reading in infidelity and the other man/woman threads, it just feels hopeless that a wife or husband isnt going to step out on you for the thrill of attention, ego boost, new exciting sex. Seems hopeless in middle age to believe in their eyes the sun rises and sets on you each day. As for me i go to the gym daily to keep up my health and keep my body looking good,but my spouse still doesnt seem to look at me with longing or lust, rarely. Its sad & Im not specifying gender as I dont want to turn into into a men vs. women thing. Just wish there was a magic bottle of hope we could all marry if we chose & we really could live happily ever after. Edited January 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language and paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 So, in your mind a good marriage is dependent on attractiveness as all you did was talk about wrinkles and sagging body parts? Maybe that is part of your problem. Shallow ideologies regarding a romantic union of the sharing of all aspects of two lives is bound to lose its appeal to one or both parties if that is what is valued no matter who you are, how old you are or how long you have been married. My wife's attractiveness hasn't lessened to me because I love her generosity, intelligence, fun spirit, and the life we built together. She still runs to the door to jump in my arms after I come home from work because she works at home in her office. We still like one another and laugh and have fun..could that be the issue really? You think the spark should be there without valuing other things about him like his quirky humor or how well he deals with children? Going to the gym is healthy and good, but if you don't read a book together occasionally, go on weekends getaways whale watching, or volunteer together for worthy causes you are focusing too much on one thing to the detriment of other qualities that make a marriage strong and fun. Oh, and kindness can work miracles in a marriage so make the effort to be kinder to your spouse than anyone else in your life. It always amazes me how nice people can be to the check out girl or their baker, but spew their toxicity on their spouses. Kindness can be that little pill of hope but no one wants to put forth the effort anymore. Marriage is exactly what you put into it. Sincerely, Grumps 7 Link to post Share on other sites
joanna-c Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 It's an interesting subject. I think it's rather norm and isn't really about how you look although looking good helps. We've been together for 13 years and I too sometimes feel I don't feel as excited about the whole thing anymore, but then it's all in my mind! I really believe it's more about us than our partners. So maybe if you work on yourself to make yourself more passionate about your partner, your passion will spread to your partner too. Also spending time separately helps. So you aren't together 24/7. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Having been married and having had an EA, I'd opine that accepting 'happily ever after' is a laudable, if nebulous, result and, along with accepting each day as it comes and celebrating that day, can go a long way towards both forestalling 'cheating' and living a marriage based on future expectations. Life changes humans and humans change life. Until we're dead, it's constant change. Nothing is cast in stone, save for the last act. I can say, and I learned it at a young adult age, that I'm not surprised when people do 'cheat' or have affairs. While my FOO never exhibited those dynamics, I've been immersed in them, mainly as a confidant or observer, since becoming an adult. Little surprises me. Perhaps part of that comes with age. BTDT. IMO, do what you do for you, love who you choose to love and maybe, if you're lucky, one person might be there at the end holding your hand and letting you know all that was valued. That's a pretty good memory to go out of this life with. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I agree there's not much hope for a marriage between two people whose only concern is not getting wrinkles or cellulite. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 People take each other for granted. That's why things get stale, and people look elsewhere. The magic bottle of hope is appreciation. Gratitude. Be genuinely thankful, each and every day, for this person who is sharing your life and loving you. And treat them with the deepest appreciation and love. When mutually practiced, cheating is a non-issue. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 As my husband said to me when I was concerned about weight gain "I didn't marry your dress size". When he was concerned d about hair loss I said "your hair doesn't complete me - you do" 29 years married in June. 30 Years together. Faithfully. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 My gf said something to me today that blew my mind... she told me that if we couldn't have sex anymore that she'd still love me as I fulfill her in other, more important ways. Wowsa! That's love, honey! What do you two have in common? How do you fulfill each other outside of the physical? BTW, told my gf (soon to ask her to marry me) that I plan on banging her until she's 90. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 My gf said something to me today that blew my mind... she told me that if we couldn't have sex anymore that she'd still love me as I fulfill her in other, more important ways. Wowsa! That's love, honey! What do you two have in common? How do you fulfill each other outside of the physical? BTW, told my gf (soon to ask her to marry me) that I plan on banging her until she's 90. There are a billion ways to give and show love that does not include sex. I cant even count the ways. I sound like a snob, and maybe I am, but my husband and I have been celibate for 20 years and we love each other more today than yesterday and twice as much as the day before..... I read these threads and I feel like my husband and i love each other more than any other couple could possibly love. I know intellectually that's unlikely but it sure feels that way to me. Physical attraction was part of what drew us to each other but its DEFINITELY not what sealed our deep and romantic love. We are beautiful to each other now as always. We make each other laugh. The OP talks about physical beauty and health and is like so many others who believe the foundation of a relationship or marriage is sex and physical attractiveness. That is the farthest from the truth and those relationships are built on quicksand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
furby19 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Having been married and having had an EA, I'd opine that accepting 'happily ever after' is a laudable, if nebulous, result and, along with accepting each day as it comes and celebrating that day, can go a long way towards both forestalling 'cheating' and living a marriage based on future expectations. Life changes humans and humans change life. Until we're dead, it's constant change. Nothing is cast in stone, save for the last act. I can say, and I learned it at a young adult age, that I'm not surprised when people do 'cheat' or have affairs. While my FOO never exhibited those dynamics, I've been immersed in them, mainly as a confidant or observer, since becoming an adult. Little surprises me. Perhaps part of that comes with age. BTDT. IMO, do what you do for you, love who you choose to love and maybe, if you're lucky, one person might be there at the end holding your hand and letting you know all that was valued. That's a pretty good memory to go out of this life with. Good luck. This doesn't have anything to do with the thread but I have to ask. Are you an english teacher/professor? Link to post Share on other sites
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