Painfully Struggling - How to make emotion catch up with logic

[BruisedBNBroken]

Married and involved in a 7 month on again off again affair with a very toxic xAP. Husband and I seperated in October and that has been going as well as could be expected. Been strict NC with xAP for about 2 months now. Blocking where I could, ignoring, no social media whatsoever. I've been really concentrating on my two young boys, been in IC, reading a lot, spending time with friends, exercising, etc.

I cannot get past these feelings and longing for the xAP. I've read and self reflected enough to realize why I did what I did and all about the affair fog, the fantasy, the intermittent rewards, addiction. I also made lists and lists of all the xAP's bad qualities (there are many) and how absolutely horrible and miserable I felt during the lows. I logically can grasp everything but I just can't get the emotions under control. The longing, the missing, the craving of those intense highs and shared intamacy. The feeling of being alive. The fear that I will never ever find someone that I will feel that way about because how can a "normal" relationship ever compare to an affair relationship.

 

Is it just time? My goal is of course indifference and mental NC and I just don't see myself getting there anytime soon. I don't know what else I can be doing to try and further my healing.

 

Thanks for reading.

[inappfriendly]

Bruised,

Thanks for sharing your story and your pain. Every post I read here on LS helps "normalize" the emotional rollercoaster post A. My story is fairly similar to yours. Every rational part of my mind KNOWS that my exMOM is not the man I built him up to be. Well said that yours is toxic. That word describes mine as well! So why can't our hearts let them go?

I've stopped counting months since last contact because despite what everyone has assured me, time is not doing a fine job of healing these wounds. Sometimes I feel like the opposite is true. The farther out of it, the more I feel him forget me. And it just effing hurts.

I have tried everything to move on. Even gone as far as returning the online advances of an inappropriately flirty (and HOT) ex-boyfriend, just to see if I could rekindle the feelings my A brought out in me. To prove that there is life and lust and love in some form after exMOM. And I felt nothing except the dull and steady aching for a man and an R that was never mine to begin with.

Keep reading and writing and if you find something that works for you, SHARE IT! *hugs*

[Oneforme33]

Time truly heals all. My ex AP was truly the love of my life.i would still leave my situation for him, but after 3 years, I can look at it clearly without pain. The place he holds in my heart isn't attached to sadness anymore. Life itself may feel a little sad but the same strong emotions aren't there. Stay strong, stay busy.

[soundsfamilar]

for me, time has served to make the pain slightly less devastating, but the longing has become worse. i don't know right now how i will ever be over this. i wish i had an answer for you… (hugs)

[nicepuzzle]

One thing that helped me is to forgive and do a closure and take out what u got in you. First time when we went NC I told him all my pain and hurts and wrote everything out to him. I feel its the questions that hurt us. Why he did that etc. Once they were out of my system it felt better I could move on. after that I just nice memories of him with me and I could see him without longing as a friend.

 

My mistake wad I got involved second time after 6 years and he hurt me again. I did the same again but its way far difficult this time. I am angry this time and thats making it harder. How can he think he could come back, apologize and than go turkey again. I took my revenge but I wish I could close it better.

[luvsadrummer]

Bruised... I truly feel your pain. I've been in NC with my exMOM for 4 months now and the pain is just as raw as it was the day he initiated NC.

 

It's a very unnatural feeling for me to amicably walk away from someone (a friend) who I love so much. It just hurts and although most people say time heals all wounds, I have my doubts.

 

But this I can tell you this: that time does clear the fog and offer clarity, especially if you continue to read these threads on this site. And clarity is what will get you through this pain. You may never get over losing the one you love. But the comments and posts here help to see that our situations are not unique and this site helps me to see the even worse heartbreak I'd end up in if my EA would have persisted or if I break NC.

 

In time, I'm finally able to accept that I don't want the consequences of breaking NC and I certainly don't want the pain of a doomed dead end relationship. I'm still in the early stages of this acceptance, but this forum truly does help if you keep reading regularly.

 

I don't often post, but I do read as many posts as I possibly can. The stories and experiences give so much clarity. And clarity = control over your situation.

 

Hugs to you as you stay strong.... you are not alone.

[artdet]

I found that not taking myself too seriously really helped. Over time I understand, as most OW do eventually, that a lot of MM find their affair partners to be extremely replaceable. They could easily fall for any woman that will put up being their OW. The specialness and loyalness OW usually feel is seldom mutual.

And then understand that I deserve better, and be loyal and invest my love onto someone that find me irreplaceable.

 

Good luck.

[wistfulgirl]

Completely understand how you feel. Although in my situation it has now been ended nastily with fOM and he now has a GF (he is single and never been in a proper relationship lasting more than 6 mths). The fact he is trying with someone else and wasnt prepared to try with me and be with me properly devestated me.

 

I hope is just a chemical high which will fade with time and NC, but is so raw at the mo. And I know how you feel that you will never have that kind of intense connection and passion like that with anyone else. Soul destroying.

 

But we got ourselves into our situations so I guess gotta ride it out. Hugs xxx

[daretotrustlove]

I feel the same way. Hurting, trying to understand how they come back a second time, sware they want to be together. We were 3 1/2 yrs. He couldn't take it, and left. Came back a year later, filled my head and heart with empty words, went home and was supposidly telling his w that the M was over. Then he decided to stay. He totally ripped my heart apart for the second time. But left the door open again. I wonder how they do this emotionally, and I wonder why a woman would keep a man, that doesn't want to be with her. How do they put the OW through all the lies. Why not just be honest with what they want in the first place. It really does hurt....

[yellowmaverick]

I don't know if you will get there "soon", but you will eventually get to a place where he does not hold the same place in your heart. You seem to be doing everything right to move on with your life. I think you just need more time doing these things.

 

You have had a couple of life-altering changes in your life recently. Stay focused on making a new life for you and your boys. You may want to see an IC to help you move forward.

 

Good luck.