Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 No, she can tell. You can't fake this. And if you can't do it on your own, maybe you need to go to counseling and have someone help you get out of this rut. But the absolute worst thing to do is drag her into it because you are unable to healthily process the breakup and move forward. It's extremely selfish of you to do such a thing. Instead of just saying "woe is me" and bringing a person you supposedly care about into your mess of codependency and fixation, it's up to you to go above and beyond the call of duty to get past it without dragging her into it. Even if she somehow is fooled by your "handling yourself" act, your cover is going to slip. And when it comes, the house of cards will tumble. I don't want to wallow in self-pity. I get it. But I really can't do it anymore. I dealt with these problems for years after a previous relationship. Didn't get a smidgen better. Been to counseling. Been admitted into hospitals and put on suicide watch. Tried a network of family and friends. I AM OUT OF OPTIONS. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Nope I'm special. Jerk. Ad hominem attacks on me won't help. Its called advice there hoss. Thats why you're here right? Simon told you as am I and everyone else on this board. We've seen NUMEROUS people like you on here. 1. Counselling 2. Friend Meetups 3. Dating sites (or just dates in general) 4. COMPLETE NO CONTACT 5. Extended hobbies. #1 is defiantly what you need to seek asap. INTENSE #1 since you said "you've done it before" Maybe instead of attacking others who are trying to help. Just a suggestion Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Nope I'm special. Jerk. Ad hominem attacks on me won't help. He's not attacking you. He's telling you what you need to hear. The fact that you can't handle it without getting upset is another reason why you shouldn't be talking to your ex. You are way too keyed up and defensive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Its called advice there hoss. Thats why you're here right? Simon told you as am I and everyone else on this board. We've seen NUMEROUS people like you on here. 1. Counselling 2. Friend Meetups 3. Dating sites (or just dates in general) 4. COMPLETE NO CONTACT 5. Extended hobbies. #1 is defiantly what you need to seek asap. INTENSE #1 since you said "you've done it before" Maybe instead of attacking others who are trying to help. Just a suggestion I'm going for regular counselling, thank you. I've checked myself into hospitals for intensive counseling too (also didn't help), but the problem is, outside of this issue, I'm a high-functioning human being with a career and grad school in front of me, and I can't afford to check myself back into a hospital for weeks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I don't want to wallow in self-pity. I get it. But I really can't do it anymore. I dealt with these problems for years after a previous relationship. Didn't get a smidgen better. Been to counseling. Been admitted into hospitals and put on suicide watch. Tried a network of family and friends. I AM OUT OF OPTIONS. And you want to drag your ex into this? That's your brilliant solution? I mean, if you care about her, you won't drag her into your personal struggles. That's just not cool at all man. Because you are going to blow up and it's going to be ugly. As for counseling, you have to keep going. Counseling is like dating in some ways -- sometimes you have to have a few awkward sessions with people you'll never call again until you find someone you groove with. But you are literally asking for permission to do the worst possible thing short of flying to see her announced/stalking her. You aren't going to get it here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I'm going for regular counselling, thank you. I've checked myself into hospitals for intensive counseling too (also didn't help), but the problem is, outside of this issue, I'm a high-functioning human being with a career and grad school in front of me, and I can't afford to check myself back into a hospital for weeks again. Why do you need to go to a hospital for weeks? Why not just go to a counselor once/twice a week and go that route? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 And you want to drag your ex into this? That's your brilliant solution? I mean, if you care about her, you won't drag her into your personal struggles. That's just not cool at all man. Because you are going to blow up and it's going to be ugly. As for counseling, you have to keep going. Counseling is like dating in some ways -- sometimes you have to have a few awkward sessions with people you'll never call again until you find someone you groove with. But you are literally asking for permission to do the worst possible thing short of flying to see her announced/stalking her. You aren't going to get it here. How long must I keep going at counseling before I accept it doesn't help? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Why do you need to go to a hospital for weeks? Why not just go to a counselor once/twice a week and go that route? I'm doing that now, and have been doing that for years, and have gotten nowhere. I feel like I'm throwing money away on those sessions. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 That's something I'm unable to do. You try hard enough, for long enough, and you have to admit to yourself that you don't have the ability to change. Worst. Response. Ever. It's still not her problem to fix you. Your problem. Whether you change or not, it's still your problem. If that's going to be your attitude, don't bring her down with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Worst. Response. Ever. It's still not her problem to fix you. Your problem. Whether you change or not, it's still your problem. If that's going to be your attitude, don't bring her down with you. I was happy with her, and she was happy with me. Why can't that happen again? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 How long must I keep going at counseling before I accept it doesn't help? You keep trying over and over until you find something that works. That's a hell of a lot more respectable than throwing this drama at your ex's footsteps. I mean, I'm sorry that you are going through this, but bringing her in to it is a really, really, really horrible idea. It's selfish as hell bro. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I was happy with her, and she was happy with me. Why can't that happen again? Key word is WAS. Because she doesn't want that. She broke up with you. When people break up with you, that means they don't want to be with you anymore. And if you care about them (or have any self-respect) you respect that. These are the type of responses that just kill me dude. I'm not going to call you a stalker because I'm sure (or at least hoping) you aren't, but that's the type of thing people say before getting slapped with restraining orders. It's a red flag the size of Kansas. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I was happy with her, and she was happy with me. Why can't that happen again? I bolded the important parts. People change, feelings change. Situations change. Sad, but true. Her feelings changed and thus she is done with the relationship. Does it suck? Of course it does...but it doesnt mean life is over. You are obviously in your 20's so there WILL be other women. If this one wasnt it, then there will be others I assure you. With that said, before you even get CLOSE to dating again, you need to work on yourself and do it BIG time. Edit: D***IT SIMON! You beat me to the point EVERY TIME! http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/5/56/Angry_German_kid.gif 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Key word is WAS. Because she doesn't want that. She broke up with you. When people break up with you, that means they don't want to be with you anymore. And if you care about them (or have any self-respect) you respect that. These are the type of responses that just kill me dude. I'm not going to call you a stalker because I'm sure (or at least hoping) you aren't, but that's the type of thing people say before getting slapped with restraining orders. It's a red flag the size of Kansas. We can be happy together again, I can't entirely rule it out. People break up and get back together all of the time. Anyways, I think this thread (and my folks agree) has been damaging to me. I'm blocking this site, and (if possible) I'd like to request the moderators delete this thread and my profile...reading through it is causing me to panic. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 We can be happy together again, I can't entirely rule it out. People break up and get back together all of the time. Anyways, I think this thread (and my folks agree) has been damaging to me. I'm blocking this site, and (if possible) I'd like to request the moderators delete this thread and my profile...reading through it is causing me to panic. You're terribly out of touch with the reality of your situation. To the point of delusion. The mods will not delete this. Read the T&Cs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 We can be happy together again, I can't entirely rule it out. People break up and get back together all of the time. Anyways, I think this thread (and my folks agree) has been damaging to me. I'm blocking this site, and (if possible) I'd like to request the moderators delete this thread and my profile...reading through it is causing me to panic. You're right, people do break up and get back together. Sometimes it even works. But the ones who do take significant time off from each other and work on themselves independent of the other person before they resume contact. That's not what you are trying to do -- you are looking to latch on to her like a leech and use her to make you "whole". That's a first-class ticket to nowhere. And this "thread" is damaging to you because people are actually being real with you instead of treating you with kid gloves. It sounds like your parents, while meaning well, just tell you what you want to hear. And that's not going to help you overcome your codependent fixation. It's enabling it. I mean, if this thread of strangers trying to help you is causing you to panic, what happens when your ex says that she doesn't want to try again or doesn't respond? You are going to flip out and go insane and pretty much destroy any positive feelings she even had for you. I mean, if you can't handle anonymous advice from stranger, how the hell are you going to handle something as emotionally volatile as trying to reconnect with an ex? That's like being cut from the JV football team and then wanting to try out for the NFL. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I bolded the important parts. People change, feelings change. Situations change. Sad, but true. Her feelings changed and thus she is done with the relationship. Does it suck? Of course it does...but it doesnt mean life is over. You are obviously in your 20's so there WILL be other women. If this one wasnt it, then there will be others I assure you. With that said, before you even get CLOSE to dating again, you need to work on yourself and do it BIG time. Edit: D***IT SIMON! You beat me to the point EVERY TIME! http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/5/56/Angry_German_kid.gif http://donnellygroup.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Greg-Little-Dance.gif 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 We can be happy together again, I can't entirely rule it out. People break up and get back together all of the time. Anyways, I think this thread (and my folks agree) has been damaging to me. I'm blocking this site, and (if possible) I'd like to request the moderators delete this thread and my profile...reading through it is causing me to panic. The truth is always harder to hear.. Sorry to tell you. But it's better to live in reality and take those lumps. The fantasy world might be easier to live in but it's not going to take you anywhere. And eventually that fantasy will be shattered and then what? You'll have to live in reality. It's going to happen eventually, might as well get a head start on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 So you all are saying that, even if I miraculously move on and become a stronger person, there is absolutely zero chance of us getting back together? Keep in mind that while my thoughts have been all over the map, my actions toward her since the breakup have been respectful. I thought that nothing in life is certain and absolute. I'm not trying to delude myself, but I also strongly feel there is still a nonzero chance. Yes, I'm back on this thread. I couldn't help it. Been thinking about what to do with myself all day. Link to post Share on other sites
TylerDurdenn Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 So you all are saying that, even if I miraculously move on and become a stronger person, there is absolutely zero chance of us getting back together? Keep in mind that while my thoughts have been all over the map, my actions toward her since the breakup have been respectful. I thought that nothing in life is certain and absolute. I'm not trying to delude myself, but I also strongly feel there is still a nonzero chance. Yes, I'm back on this thread. I couldn't help it. Been thinking about what to do with myself all day. 2iron - her feelings have GONE. Nothing you do will change her mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 2iron - her feelings have GONE. Nothing you do will change her mind. I realize nothing I do can change her mind. It's not in my control. But you're saying zero percent chance she changes her mind on her own, too? Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 You really have to give this up now. Everything has been said i know. Have you actually tried no contact for a month just to see how you feel? Therapy takes time, its not magic and you only get out what you put in. Do you seriously believe as a self proclaimed high flyer with a career in front of you, you would throw it all away because you love someone but they dont love you? Thats frankly stupid and all your posts are asking for people to tell you that what you are doing is right. We have all been there you are not some special case sonny. So go ahead and cause yourself more pain then tell us what happened. Your behaviour is stalkerish. Move on now eh? So you all are saying that, even if I miraculously move on and become a stronger person, there is absolutely zero chance of us getting back together? Keep in mind that while my thoughts have been all over the map, my actions toward her since the breakup have been respectful. I thought that nothing in life is certain and absolute. I'm not trying to delude myself, but I also strongly feel there is still a nonzero chance. Yes, I'm back on this thread. I couldn't help it. Been thinking about what to do with myself all day. Link to post Share on other sites
mirage12 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Sorry man, the answer you're looking for isn't the truth you'll get here. I know because I've also been hurting, came to this board for advice and also didn't want to listen/believe what people were telling me. People on here aren't saying there's zero chance. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. The point is, how long are you going to put your life on hold while you hold on to the idea of that "chance," that hope? While right now that hope is all you think you have going for you, that hope is also like poison. It will keep you from moving on with your life completely, it will keep you from developing new relationships and it will wreak havoc with your emotions. I also have had a horrible time accepting my breakup and I still haven't completely. But when people are saying you should assume it's completely gone/there's no hope/it's over, that mentality is the one you should take because realistically, it's the only one you can take. If you keep trying to do small talk contact or if you keep holding on to the hope you'll get back together, you won't ever heal. We all know it's hard, and we've all felt what you're feeling. This very morning I felt horrible - didn't want to go to work, unhappy, lonely. It's a part of the process...just do your best to listen to the advice here. Things do get better, even if right now it seems like they never will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Sorry man, the answer you're looking for isn't the truth you'll get here. I know because I've also been hurting, came to this board for advice and also didn't want to listen/believe what people were telling me. People on here aren't saying there's zero chance. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. The point is, how long are you going to put your life on hold while you hold on to the idea of that "chance," that hope? While right now that hope is all you think you have going for you, that hope is also like poison. It will keep you from moving on with your life completely, it will keep you from developing new relationships and it will wreak havoc with your emotions. I also have had a horrible time accepting my breakup and I still haven't completely. But when people are saying you should assume it's completely gone/there's no hope/it's over, that mentality is the one you should take because realistically, it's the only one you can take. If you keep trying to do small talk contact or if you keep holding on to the hope you'll get back together, you won't ever heal. We all know it's hard, and we've all felt what you're feeling. This very morning I felt horrible - didn't want to go to work, unhappy, lonely. It's a part of the process...just do your best to listen to the advice here. Things do get better, even if right now it seems like they never will. So you guys are just saying there's zero chance in order to get me to behave like there's zero chance when in fact there is a nonzero chance. I can dig that. Last time I truly felt there was zero chance, I ended up in a hospital on suicide watch. Worst week of my life. So, this is encouraging! Link to post Share on other sites
mantlefan Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I can feel for you OP. All I have heard on this site are things like "The pain will go away someday" and "You'll learn a lot about yourself" and "You will find someone else and you two will be better for each other than you have been with your ex" and "You will learn from your mistakes and not make them again in the next relationship" and "Your story will help someone else avoid so much suffering in the future." And after all that, I STILL want my ex back. I STILL think if we tried again it would be better than ever. But I also have to be real. All those things I listed, they actually are pretty good. And people know that they DO happen, from experience. You don't have to believe that the consequences of what they say are true. But really, isn't it worth a shot to take their advice? Even if all the things they talk about are only a consolation prize to your ex, isn't it SO MUCH better than where you are at now? Link to post Share on other sites
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