mirage12 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 So you guys are just saying there's zero chance in order to get me to behave like there's zero chance when in fact there is a nonzero chance. I can dig that. Last time I truly felt there was zero chance, I ended up in a hospital on suicide watch. Worst week of my life. So, this is encouraging! No, you need to learn to accept the fact that there is basically a zero percent chance of you getting back together. Even if the chance is slightly higher or if there's the tiniest bit of hope, you can't dwell on it or your life will never move forward. And please don't have any suicidal thoughts. I know it's hard and it feels like losing everything. She's not worth you even having these thoughts. There will be someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 No, you need to learn to accept the fact that there is basically a zero percent chance of you getting back together. Even if the chance is slightly higher or if there's the tiniest bit of hope, you can't dwell on it or your life will never move forward. And please don't have any suicidal thoughts. I know it's hard and it feels like losing everything. She's not worth you even having these thoughts. There will be someone else. Nice try, I see what you did there. I've seen too many couples get back together to believe that the chances are that slim. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Nice try, I see what you did there. I've seen too many couples get back together to believe that the chances are that slim. I'm calling troll. Either way, this thread needs to be locked. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mirage12 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Nice try, I see what you did there. I've seen too many couples get back together to believe that the chances are that slim. You're misunderstanding. No one here is saying that reconciation is IMPOSSIBLE. Like you said, it's not and it happens. In most cases though, it is IMPROBABLE. Sure, you can play the numbers game. Maybe there's a tiny chance you'll get back together. But if you adopt that way of thinking, then you can't ignore the probability you don't like - the fact that while there's a slim chance you may get back together, there is a much greater chance you will end up pushing her away further/causing more hurt to yourself/delaying your recovery. Again, no one here is forcing you to do anything, just suggesting things to you based on our own personal experiences. You do what you feel like you need to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 I'm calling troll. Either way, this thread needs to be locked. Not a troll. Just finally figured out what you guys are doing here, that's all. You're trying to get me in the right mindset-- that is, proceed as if it's the worst-case scenario. But that doesn't mean there's no hope. If there was no hope, nobody would ever get back together, ever. Link to post Share on other sites
mantlefan Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 So you admit that the mindset is not coming back is the right one? Think of it this way. YOU and HER will never get back together. If in the 1 in a million chance it does, you will be different people. The you that you are now and the she that she was are never going to be in a relationship. You need to give up on that. And whether or not the person with the same name as your ex comes "back", the best advice for you is the same: Go NC, and realize and find out what makes your life worth it for YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Not a troll. Just finally figured out what you guys are doing here, that's all. You're trying to get me in the right mindset-- that is, proceed as if it's the worst-case scenario. But that doesn't mean there's no hope. If there was no hope, nobody would ever get back together, ever. No were not doing ANY of that lol. Were saying move on because the relationship is over. Yes, people get back together, but reconciliation are VERY rare and its usually several months or years. Its HER responsibility to contact you if she wants to reconcile and I can almost promise you it wont happen ESPECIALLY if you contact her like what you are wanting to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 You're misunderstanding. No one here is saying that reconciation is IMPOSSIBLE. Like you said, it's not and it happens. In most cases though, it is IMPROBABLE. Sure, you can play the numbers game. Maybe there's a tiny chance you'll get back together. But if you adopt that way of thinking, then you can't ignore the probability you don't like - the fact that while there's a slim chance you may get back together, there is a much greater chance you will end up pushing her away further/causing more hurt to yourself/delaying your recovery. Again, no one here is forcing you to do anything, just suggesting things to you based on our own personal experiences. You do what you feel like you need to. Thank you. I actually think you're being very reasonable. I'm going to try adoption the position of "proceed as if there's no chance" though I know, in the back of my mind, that I stand a reasonable chance. (There are a lot of things that would ruin my chances that I did not do: I did not cheat on her; I treated her lovingly and she reciprocated; my actions have, contrary what you would think given my neuroses on this thread, been very courteous and respectful of her wishes since the breakup, etc...). Link to post Share on other sites
mirage12 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Not a troll. Just finally figured out what you guys are doing here, that's all. You're trying to get me in the right mindset-- that is, proceed as if it's the worst-case scenario. But that doesn't mean there's no hope. If there was no hope, nobody would ever get back together, ever. Keep in mind that mindset is for your own good. Hope is the devil after a breakup. It might cause you to be stuck on her for months or even years after, and the end result will still likely be nothing. Again, up to you how you proceed, but I think you should try your hardest not to do that to yourself. Life is too short to be stuck on someone who doesn't want you (and I know how hard it is to accept that, I'm still struggling myself). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 No were not doing ANY of that lol. Were saying move on because the relationship is over. Yes, people get back together, but reconciliation are VERY rare and its usually several months or years. Its HER responsibility to contact you if she wants to reconcile and I can almost promise you it wont happen ESPECIALLY if you contact her like what you are wanting to do. Not as rare as people on these forums think, I think. Especially when you consider that most breakups are mean-spirited, but ours was driven mainly by distance and the need to focus on school/careers at the moment, no ill feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
mirage12 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Thank you. I actually think you're being very reasonable. I'm going to try adoption the position of "proceed as if there's no chance" though I know, in the back of my mind, that I stand a reasonable chance. (There are a lot of things that would ruin my chances that I did not do: I did not cheat on her; I treated her lovingly and she reciprocated; my actions have, contrary what you would think given my neuroses on this thread, been very courteous and respectful of her wishes since the breakup, etc...). If it helps, my situation is somewhat similar. When my ex ended things, we had very strong feelings for each other. There was no cheating, I treated her like gold and she knew it, and I also handled the breakup relatively maturely/calmly. We also split because of a more situational, career reason rather than us being inclmpatible or falling out of love. So I too had so much hope that one day, because out vreakup was more circumstantial rather than anything else, we could make it work again. But I've had to force myself to move on as if she's gone from my life for good. How long could I hold on to that hope? 6 months? 1 year? 3 years? In the end, there's a difference between hope and reality. Moving on and stomping out that hope may not be the best or most desirable option. Unfortunately, it's the only one we have right now 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 So you admit that the mindset is not coming back is the right one? Think of it this way. YOU and HER will never get back together. If in the 1 in a million chance it does, you will be different people. The you that you are now and the she that she was are never going to be in a relationship. You need to give up on that. And whether or not the person with the same name as your ex comes "back", the best advice for you is the same: Go NC, and realize and find out what makes your life worth it for YOU. I like this very much, actually. Maybe I'm coming around. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 If it helps, my situation is somewhat similar. When my ex ended things, we had very strong feelings for each other. There was no cheating, I treated her like gold and she knew it, and I also handled the breakup relatively maturely/calmly. We also split because of a more situational, career reason rather than us being inclmpatible or falling out of love. So I too had so much hope that one day, because out vreakup was more circumstantial rather than anything else, we could make it work again. But I've had to force myself to move on as if she's gone from my life for good. How long could I hold on to that hope? 6 months? 1 year? 3 years? In the end, there's a difference between hope and reality. Moving on and stomping out that hope may not be the best or most desirable option. Unfortunately, it's the only one we have right now Based on this info, I think you might actually be fooling yourself by thinking there is no hope. There is a difference between hope and reality, but sometimes they converge! Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Not as rare as people on these forums think, I think. Especially when you consider that most breakups are mean-spirited, but ours was driven mainly by distance and the need to focus on school/careers at the moment, no ill feelings. *Sigh* Not all breaks-ups are mean spirited. MANY of these forums are people wondering wtf happened because guess what? They are just like yours. Your situation is VERY normal and is actually VERY common. People fall out of love and feelings change. People change. Here are facts: -You guys are not together anymore -Contacting her is an awful idea -If she wanted to be with you, she would be right now -You can only control yourself You have one option: Move on. The chances she ever comes back ARE very very rare no matter if you want to believe it or not. No one EVER said it doesnt happen because it does....but its only successful reconciliation WHEN BOTH PARTIES MOVE ON. Thats it. Thats all you can do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mirage12 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Based on this info, I think you might actually be fooling yourself by thinking there is no hope. There is a difference between hope and reality, but sometimes they converge! I know they do, and maybe they will one day. But I guess it's the lesser of two evils - maybe I'm fooling myself into accepting no hope, but I would be fooling myself more by thinking there is hope when there's not or it leads nowhere. Accepting there's no hope means I can heal/move on/recover/build new relatjonships/work on old ones. Fooling myself into thinking there's hope doesn't let me do any of that sadly. So I guess I have to pick the one that's going to hurt me less...and believe me, I want to hold onto the hope more than anything...but I have to be realistic and try to do what's best for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 So you guys are just saying there's zero chance in order to get me to behave like there's zero chance when in fact there is a nonzero chance. I can dig that. Last time I truly felt there was zero chance, I ended up in a hospital on suicide watch. Worst week of my life. So, this is encouraging! Can you see how awful it would be for her to have to be responsible for this? To expect an internet community to be responsible for it as well? You need to take some personal responsibility. She cannot "cure" you, and not should she have to. You need to cure you. Yes, I am saying at this point, there probably isn't much chance that she will get back with you. But, in any case, you need to let her make that decision and it starts with leaving het alone and respecting her current wishes, and respecting het ability to make any decisions she feels are best for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 2iron are you on drugs? Can i have some? Joking aside, what do you actually want to hear? You are desperate, needy, insecure and you dont respect your ex at all? Because thats how it sounds. My break up was horrific but yours was not. So you had your closure, you had your answer now leave her alone. I dont normally have any bad things to say to people here but you are not good for her mate. She is well out of it. Yes this thread should be closed. Based on this info, I think you might actually be fooling yourself by thinking there is no hope. There is a difference between hope and reality, but sometimes they converge! Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Not as rare as people on these forums think, I think. Especially when you consider that most breakups are mean-spirited, but ours was driven mainly by distance and the need to focus on school/careers at the moment, no ill feelings. Plenty of people reconcile. Plenty of people go back for another crack. But the vast majority of them, just end up breaking up again. True, lasting reconciliation, is extremely rare. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 *Sigh* Not all breaks-ups are mean spirited. MANY of these forums are people wondering wtf happened because guess what? They are just like yours. Your situation is VERY normal and is actually VERY common. People fall out of love and feelings change. People change. Here are facts: -You guys are not together anymore -Contacting her is an awful idea -If she wanted to be with you, she would be right now -You can only control yourself You have one option: Move on. The chances she ever comes back ARE very very rare no matter if you want to believe it or not. No one EVER said it doesnt happen because it does....but its only successful reconciliation WHEN BOTH PARTIES MOVE ON. Thats it. Thats all you can do. Not very very rare, you're exaggerating there, but I realize you're only trying to help. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Man, you have been all over the place, you are bouncing off the walls, spinning, in a desparate attemept to twist the basic foundations of NC into a methodology to "get your ex back." Look at yourself over these six pages. Defensive, to all that are trying to help you. When you back is against the wall, you call for the mods to shut down the thread, yet the next day you initiate the dialogue once again. Finally, a poster gets through to you, you see a glimpse of the truth, what NC actually is, and is not. A light bulb moment. NC if for you, it is not for the restoration of your relationship - in fact, you must accept there is no hope. Then, hope is disagree, zero hope, possible hope, etc. Never ending circle. Once no hope is realized, you fall back to a suicidal position - OMG. That frightens all of us, young man. After hearing that statement from you, I believe you have some issues you need to discuss with a medical professional immediately. You certainly are in no frame of mind to contact anyone. Please get some help. NC is about taking care of YOU! Tell us what you plan to do about taking care of YOU, right now. Yas 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Not very very rare, you're exaggerating there, but I realize you're only trying to help. He's really not. Most couples who break up, stay broken up. Also, when women break up, more often than not, they've considered the situation very carefully and are unlikely to go back on it. That's what we're like. Women tend to analyse a break up before it happens, and pull the trigger with a fair degree of certainty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Plenty of people reconcile. Plenty of people go back for another crack. But the vast majority of them, just end up breaking up again. True, lasting reconciliation, is extremely rare. Yep, I realize that if I want the reconciliation to be successful, I have to change, and she may have to change as well, and I have no control over whether she changes. She was/is wonderful, by far the best relationship I have had out of several (why else would I feel this way), but she wasn't perfect. One big change she would have to make is that she'll need to become less afraid of commitment (this was why we broke up anyway). That's something that takes a long time, and is unreasonable to expect in the near future (both of us are only in our early twenties). I have issues, clearly. I've gotta become more independent, less neurotic, and generally more at peace with the world as it comes. I get that. And if I have a nonzero chance of getting back together with her, then I have all the more motivation to work on these things. I also realize my motivation should be independent of my chances with her. I should be doing this for myself. But, I'm not there...yet. I need that hope to motivate me, unhealthy as it may be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 He's really not. Most couples who break up, stay broken up. Also, when women break up, more often than not, they've considered the situation very carefully and are unlikely to go back on it. That's what we're like. Women tend to analyse a break up before it happens, and pull the trigger with a fair degree of certainty. Not as rare as you say it is, still. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Not as rare as you say it is, still. Yes, yes it is. Trawl around the boards here. You might break up, you might reconcile, you might rinse and repeat a few times, but for the most part, a break up happens because it is broken, and needs to be abandoned and the parties need to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 No woman could tolerate any man with disposition demonstrated grouchy this thread. 2Iron, you come off so desparate. And it appears you are living an imaginary relationship. That is why everyone is begging you not to contact this young lady. You are going to be further hurt. If it is meant to be, she will fly to you. Now, you must address you own issues and obbsessiveness. Please, go in and see a doctor or therapist to help you move forward. Tell them what you have here. Yas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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