TylerDurdenn Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 This guy isn't worth our time. I hope his ex has found someone a lot better than this douche. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 It is done. If it wasn't done, you'd be together. This is the type of mindset which concerns everyone who has commented on this thread. it's creepy. This is the mindset of many people who have found themselves in even more pain. It's over. Link to post Share on other sites
legion113 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I don't know, I think that letter I told him to write might work.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Thanks, but I think I'm going to ignore all of this advice. I'm sorry I even asked. I wish you wouldn't. BUT...Do what your gut tells you. Here's the thing, just by what you described, you shouldn't be the one doing the contacting. Your ex told you (verbatim) that she wants to be left alone. Did she tell you to contact her later? If not, then you're probably doing things wrong. You have every right to make your own choice in contacting her. What the LS community is trying to (tough love) advise you is that it might hurt you further. I see her possibly saying she is now dating. Or tells you coldly to not contact her again. Or (maybe worse) doesn't respond to any message from you whatsoever...ignoring you. Don't hurt yourself anymore. That's what we're hoping you'll keep yourself from doing. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyM Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I think if you are absolutely intent on making contact with her, and it seems you are, I would wait longer than two months. You said the dust has settled, but it really hasn't and I don't think she would be receptive to any contact with you so soon. If you can, wait at least four to six months before you contact her. The longer, the better for any kind of response from her. She wants time to herself for now and two months isn't much time. When you do contact her, make it very brief, inquiring about how she and her family are doing. I understand that you need to find out if she will respond to you so try to give yourself the best shot at a response from her. If you contact her, at least you will have your answer and your mind and heart can begin to deal with the repercussions, either way. Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 If I don't contact her, I'll never hear from her. My question was how to break no contact, not whether I should break no contact. Why do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? If she doesn't contact you she clearly doesn't want to be with you. Why not find someone that does want to be with you? In the minuscule chance you do get her back, she won't be with you long. You can't make someone feel a certain way. They have to want it themselves. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Ya but history typically repeats Did for me 12 yrs after the first break up and reconciliation. Don't waste ur life It could happen. It's happened before. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 If I don't contact her, I'll never hear from her. That sentence in and of itself says absolutely everything. You really wanna try with a person that will never reach out to you? That's the definition of being desperate, so ya.. you will look the part 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SheAskedForABreak Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 You've said it all, she doesn't keep in touch with anyone. People you don't keep in touch with are not long time friends. People who don't keep long time friends are suspect, it reflects an inability to remain committed to relationships, romantic or otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
HorseLuck Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I agree with LadyM to an extent. If you're going to attempt regardless you need to let more time pass. I can sympathize because I know what that type of person is like. Make your intentions clear, don't just drop a "hey how are you?" line. Prepare to be hurt by a lack of response. If she doesn't reply don't keep trying. It means she doesn't want to talk, for whatever reason that may be. Link to post Share on other sites
flight E Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I don't think being rude and abusive to the OP is tough luv like some of us are doing here. He loves this girl and it takes reasonable tough love to let him understand that if he truly wants to stand any chance in getting her back, he cannot act with his heart but with his head. OP, your best bet is to wait for her to reach you knowing it might never happen. So its best you move on with your life at the same time. Otherwise. You have to wait until you have healed. Yes, you must heal. It doesn't mean you don't care about your ex anymore but you won't need to ask if you should contact her because her response won't affect you badly. It might take a long time but if you want to stand a chance then you must heal completely from her. When you don't need her. When her yes or no does not disturb you. When you can carry on with you life even if you never see her again. You can casually reach her. So you have two options. She contacts first or you wait till you are completely healed. Maybe then you will see that you don't want to contact her afterall Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 I wish you wouldn't. BUT...Do what your gut tells you. Here's the thing, just by what you described, you shouldn't be the one doing the contacting. Your ex told you (verbatim) that she wants to be left alone. Did she tell you to contact her later? If not, then you're probably doing things wrong. You have every right to make your own choice in contacting her. What the LS community is trying to (tough love) advise you is that it might hurt you further. I see her possibly saying she is now dating. Or tells you coldly to not contact her again. Or (maybe worse) doesn't respond to any message from you whatsoever...ignoring you. Don't hurt yourself anymore. That's what we're hoping you'll keep yourself from doing. I didn't give the whole story. She said she wanted to be left alone for X weeks. After X + 1 weeks, I sent her a message, very brief, like "Happy holidays, how are you?" and she responded, "Muddling along, and you?" She asked me, so I responded that I was doing okay. No response since then, though. That said, I've been tossing and turning all night thinking about what I've heard here. My friends and family with whom I've shared this story said it would be harmless, even desirable, for me to send an occasional message. This is why my initial response to the advice here was so negative. But now I really don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Why do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? If she doesn't contact you she clearly doesn't want to be with you. Why not find someone that does want to be with you? In the minuscule chance you do get her back, she won't be with you long. You can't make someone feel a certain way. They have to want it themselves. Also, I should add that I might be able to settle for friendship. While I love her and miss her to death, I'm also not terribly keen on a long-distance relationship anyway (but I anticipate she'll eventually come back to my country, she's only abroad to get her Master's degree but her family is still here). I would just like to keep in touch while she's abroad. As undergraduates, she went abroad for a semester, and we kept in touch then as friends (granted, this was before we ever dated). I would send her songs and articles and jokes and vice versa. But I'm just afraid that if I were to try to send her a song or something now, it would have a different impact than it did before we dated. And, I don't want to rule out entirely the possibility of us ever getting back together if the stars align when (if?) she comes back home. Let me be clear: while I may come across as desperate to some people on this board, and I clearly do hurt a lot, I have so far been respectful towards this girl since the breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 The door is locked and the key has been swallowed. Deal with it and move on. But give Legions letter a go..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I didn't give the whole story. She said she wanted to be left alone for X weeks. After X + 1 weeks, I sent her a message, very brief, like "Happy holidays, how are you?" and she responded, "Muddling along, and you?" She asked me, so I responded that I was doing okay. No response since then, though. That said, I've been tossing and turning all night thinking about what I've heard here. My friends and family with whom I've shared this story said it would be harmless, even desirable, for me to send an occasional message. This is why my initial response to the advice here was so negative. But now I really don't know. Honestly, I don't think you are at the stage of your recovery where you should be doing this. You have too many expectations and if there is any resistance, or she doesn't answer you at all, I think it's going to set you back a lot. The way you reacted in this thread was a big red flag to me -- not only in your reactions to other posters voicing your opinions, but some of the other things you were saying. I mean, if you this easily agitated by strangers on the internet, what happens when a person you have had an emotional attachment throws a curveball. It's not time to take this stand. You need a lot more time to decompress and recover before even contemplating such a move. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Honestly, I don't think you are at the stage of your recovery where you should be doing this. You have too many expectations and if there is any resistance, or she doesn't answer you at all, I think it's going to set you back a lot. The way you reacted in this thread was a big red flag to me -- not only in your reactions to other posters voicing your opinions, but some of the other things you were saying. I mean, if you this easily agitated by strangers on the internet, what happens when a person you have had an emotional attachment throws a curveball. It's not time to take this stand. You need a lot more time to decompress and recover before even contemplating such a move. The problem is, I'm not getting any better. I've been dumped before, and I didn't feel better about that relationship until I met this girl. I just don't seem to be the sort of person who can get over things by myself. It's a problem, I know, but I've tried hard (finding hobbies, working out, having many friends, etc.) and it just doesn't do squat for me. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 The problem is, I'm not getting any better. I've been dumped before, and I didn't feel better about that relationship until I met this girl. I just don't seem to be the sort of person who can get over things by myself. It's a problem, I know, but I've tried hard (finding hobbies, working out, having many friends, etc.) and it just doesn't do squat for me. Inflicting you codependency on her isn't the answer. You have to solve your own problems, not expect her to fix them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Inflicting you codependency on her isn't the answer. You have to solve your own problems, not expect her to fix them. That's something I'm unable to do. You try hard enough, for long enough, and you have to admit to yourself that you don't have the ability to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 The problem is, I'm not getting any better. I've been dumped before, and I didn't feel better about that relationship until I met this girl. I just don't seem to be the sort of person who can get over things by myself. It's a problem, I know, but I've tried hard (finding hobbies, working out, having many friends, etc.) and it just doesn't do squat for me. It takes time man. You have to keep plugging and keep working and keep going. Unfortunately it's not an easy, one-snap-and-you're-good type thing. You're right, you getting fixated on the past is a problem, and going back in the past to try to overcome that is not the right way to do it. I actually broke NC with my ex. But I made extra sure I was healed (even waited another month before I did it) and cool with any response before I did it. And when I did it, I didn't come on here asking for advice or looking to find the right words. I just did it and it went fine. I didn't come on here asking for analysis of what I sent and her response to it because I was comfortable with any response or non-response. After more communication with my ex after breaking NC I realized that she needed to do healing of her own before we could contemplate hanging out again. And I realized that she might never get to that point and quite frankly, I'm not concerned whether she does or she doesn't. That's completely up to her and nothing I say or do will trigger her to do it (not that I would want to trigger her to do anything in the first place). But if I was where you are at right now, I wouldn't have even considered it. You aren't close to being where you need to be. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 That's something I'm unable to do. You try hard enough, for long enough, and you have to admit to yourself that you don't have the ability to change. Dont give me that crap. Woah is you huh? You are the only one who has had to move past a relationship right? Grow a set and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 If we take the fact that I'm never going to feel better about this on my own as given (because, really, I'm not capable, so it doesn't help me to tell me to work thing out on my own), is there some way that I can fake it? I think that is maybe the kernel of what this thread was about to begin with. So far, I think I've done a decent job of coming across as well-composed to her; those brief messages we traded after a month of NC were pleasant, harmless, I came across like I was handling myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Dont give me that crap. Woah is you huh? You are the only one who has had to move past a relationship right? Grow a set and move on. Not helpful. Don't think I don't try. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 If we take the fact that I'm never going to feel better about this on my own as given (because, really, I'm not capable, so it doesn't help me to tell me to work thing out on my own), is there some way that I can fake it? I think that is maybe the kernel of what this thread was about to begin with. So far, I think I've done a decent job of coming across as well-composed to her; those brief messages we traded after a month of NC were pleasant, harmless, I came across like I was handling myself. Yes you f**ing can. You are not some special person who is incapable of moving on. Your story isnt special nor are you. Fact is, you havent tried hard enough nor gave it enough time to actually do something. IF you are really as bad as you say you are, there are numerous amounts of therapy you can try. Online friend meetups.....s*** other dating sites? I can bet I'll hear a "It doesnt work so dont even attempt to tell me" or "Already have nope it sucked" type response. There is no "faking it." You can fake that you are happy without anyone knowing the wiser, but your ex will figure out your motives as SOON as you contact her. That much is true. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. She knows where you are, SHE will contact you. Since she isnt, MOVE ON Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 If we take the fact that I'm never going to feel better about this on my own as given (because, really, I'm not capable, so it doesn't help me to tell me to work thing out on my own), is there some way that I can fake it? I think that is maybe the kernel of what this thread was about to begin with. So far, I think I've done a decent job of coming across as well-composed to her; those brief messages we traded after a month of NC were pleasant, harmless, I came across like I was handling myself. No, she can tell. You can't fake this. And if you can't do it on your own, maybe you need to go to counseling and have someone help you get out of this rut. But the absolute worst thing to do is drag her into it because you are unable to healthily process the breakup and move forward. It's extremely selfish of you to do such a thing. Instead of just saying "woe is me" and bringing a person you supposedly care about into your mess of codependency and fixation, it's up to you to go above and beyond the call of duty to get past it without dragging her into it. Even if she somehow is fooled by your "handling yourself" act, your cover is going to slip. And when it comes, the house of cards will tumble. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2iron Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Yes you f**ing can. You are not some special person who is incapable of moving on. Your story isnt special nor are you. Fact is, you havent tried hard enough nor gave it enough time to actually do something. IF you are really as bad as you say you are, there are numerous amounts of therapy you can try. Online friend meetups.....s*** other dating sites? I can bet I'll hear a "It doesnt work so dont even attempt to tell me" or "Already have nope it sucked" type response. There is no "faking it." You can fake that you are happy without anyone knowing the wiser, but your ex will figure out your motives as SOON as you contact her. That much is true. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. She knows where you are, SHE will contact you. Since she isnt, MOVE ON Nope I'm special. Jerk. Ad hominem attacks on me won't help. Link to post Share on other sites
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