am I in denial or is it worth a shot

[donelurking]

(Pretty long read, would really appreciate if anyone can take time out of there day and help me out!)

 

I have been lurking loveshack for about two years whenever my relationship was rocky. I am new to posting as I have finally caved in and believe I need advice. I am a strong man I like to believe and I keep my feelings to myself.

 

Here is a bit of a background for everyone; We met back in 2009, and instantly hit it off. We were hooking up for about a month, no sex though. She ended things with me. She dated another guy for about a year and we lost contact besides small talk every couple of months until about April 2010. We started texting quite frequently. In june 2010 she broke up with her ex boyfriend and I guess I was a rebound for that whole summer until about August. We spent 24/7 together summer of 2010, but come August she once again ended things.

 

I went no contact until early December, she texted me and we started to hang out again. She pretty much was my girlfriend until March of 2011 (we spent 24/7 together from December 2010, March 2011, but had no "label".) Come March I finally decided to have her as my girlfriend. Things were great, sex was great, she was super close with my family/friends, as I was with her family.

 

We dated from March 2011, until March of 2013. From September 2011 to the end of our relationship was long distance as I was in the military and she goes to college. I moved back home in April of 2013.

 

Come May of 2013 she contacts me and we picked back up from where we left off. I left for a three week trip in June, when I came home she ended things again and we have not talked since. I have been no contact since June 29, 2013. I sent her a Facebook friend request early last month and she denied it. About a week later she requested me and I accepted it. There have been a few "likes" (breadcrumbs) from her to me, as I "liked" a few of her things too, but no real contact.

 

I am stuck in a situation now. I want to contact her, but do not want to break contact and be rejected. I believe she broke up with me due to GIGS and the fact I became very controlling and needing during the end of our relationship. I never begged or pleaded, but when she came back in May, I was very controlling, jealous, obsessive, and crazy. I became that way because I was afraid I'd lose her again. I was checking her phone, facebook messages, and freaking out if she talked to her guy friends. I drove her away with jealousy I believe.

 

Over the last 6/7 months, I have dated other women, started college, got a decent job, have my own place, and really adjusted to being back in civilian life. I still love her dearly, and deep down I believe she loves me too. Then, I think that maybe I am in denial and if she really loved me she would have talked to me by now.

 

I want to let her know I can maintain a relationship again and be fun, but I know messaging her bringing up a past relationship looks controlling, physcotic, and is a huge turn-off considering thats why we broke up.

 

Should I contact her and start conversation, and over time eventually ask her to meet up? If she agrees I'd treat this like a whole new relationship. I wouldn't stress over the past, who shes been with since we brokeup, or our old relationship. I'd treat her like a new girl I just started dating.

 

Any advice would help. Sorry for the long read, but lately she has been on my mind a lot

[BC1980]

First, it's a really bad sign when you have broken up and gotten back together so many times. It seems clear to me that she is in the driver's seat of the relationship, which probably explains your controlling behavior. You are probably always scared she will leave at any moment, so you act controlling to compensate.

 

I see a toxic dynamic in this relationship. I would not contact her, and I don't think you should resume any relationship if she contacts you. She's dipping in and out of your life when she likes, and you keep letting her. She probably doesn't respect you for that reason. You would be better off finding someone else.

[pickflicker]

The second people start saying "we've broken up a few times" - NO. That's not love, it's not a relationship, it's just a power struggle. You must always, always, walk away when it turns into this.

[donelurking]

Thanks for the quick replies. I think I became very controlling because I used to have her wrapped around my finger with no worries. She idolized me and I trusted her because of it.

 

It is just real hard to let go of. I may have "moved on", but I deep down know I still love her. I stayed alone for three months after the break up, but the last couple of months I have had a few one night stands and dated two girls. I feel as if every girl I get close to I compare to my ex and they just do not compare.

 

I know I can continue to live life without my ex happily as I have been living my life without her. I just struggle to think I'll ever find a girl that I clicked with like my ex.

[BC1980]

Thanks for the quick replies. I think I became very controlling because I used to have her wrapped around my finger with no worries. She idolized me and I trusted her because of it.

 

It is just real hard to let go of. I may have "moved on", but I deep down know I still love her. I stayed alone for three months after the break up, but the last couple of months I have had a few one night stands and dated two girls. I feel as if every girl I get close to I compare to my ex and they just do not compare.

 

I know I can continue to live life without my ex happily as I have been living my life without her. I just struggle to think I'll ever find a girl that I clicked with like my ex.

 

Nearly everyone feels this way after a breakup. I've felt it myself. I still wonder if I will love someone as much as my ex, but the truth is that we don't know the future. You can't sever an emotional connection so quickly, but you need to be committed to NC and no hope to speed it up. The longer you hold onto hope, the longer you stay emotionally invested in the relationship.

 

Based on her past behavior, it does seem likely that she will come back at some point. I know it's hard, but I would not communicate with her again. You are sabatiging your chance if finding someone even better in the future.

[donelurking]

I plan on leaving her in the past. Part of me wishes she would reach out as an ego booster. I guess we can't win them all. I think she found out I have been dating a new girl as she randomly deleted me from Facebook. I guess you all are right. She seems to believe she can come in and out of my life as she pleases!

[BC1980]

I plan on leaving her in the past. Part of me wishes she would reach out as an ego booster. I guess we can't win them all. I think she found out I have been dating a new girl as she randomly deleted me from Facebook. I guess you all are right. She seems to believe she can come in and out of my life as she pleases!

 

Not to be mean, but she can come in and out of your life as she pleases. People will treat you the way you teach them to.

[donelurking]

so i couldn't shrug this feeling I have been feeling for the last week, so I broke NC after about 7 months NC. I was nervous she would ignore me, but to my surprise she answered instantly. We have been chatting all day and it has been very friendly. Different then the last time we reconnected in early June. We kind of just jumped into a relationship.

 

I dont see us jumping into a relationship this time, anytime soon. I still have a guard up, but am treating it like she is a new girl. I am also keeping the fact that she is so on/off in the back of my head. I went against all advice so far. I am using this as a diary I guess.

 

If things go south, I will cut contact.

[Simon Phoenix]

And this will end like it ended all the other times. I mean, at this point it just screams of codependency, not love.

[iworthmore]

what shot you talking abt man. havnt u had enough from all this??

 

she always ended things. eventually u became jealous and had trust issues with her. why? cuz she was never real and u dont trust her anymore. so she never meant and will never be ur true love or partner.

 

u already took her back many times. save ur dignity and find someone who will really commit to you. she's been using u. and she hasnt change yet. not enough time passed.

 

man listen to ppl here. she was toxic then she lost ur trust then the RS became toxic. get rid of her. even if she crawl back to u which might happened if she wont find someone she thinks better.

[donelurking]

bumping this for anyone in my situation..

 

we reconnected and spoke everyday for about two weeks. we hungout once in that time span. nothing happened besides bread crumbs.

 

her telling me "nobody else is like me, she misses me, she misses my family, hopes one day well be together, my opinion matters the most."

 

then more mindgames as in, "we've both moved on, im out of your life, etc"

 

we are still of friendly terms, but i am started to realize that there is no love left here. just co-dependency as stated before. she did not even wish me a happy birthday yesterday. she is back at college and I am happy to say that i am relieved we are hours apart again.

 

i plan on going back to no contact, and moving on.

 

ex's should be ex's for a reason i learned.

[Hoaks]

bumping this for anyone in my situation..

 

we reconnected and spoke everyday for about two weeks. we hungout once in that time span. nothing happened besides bread crumbs.

 

her telling me "nobody else is like me, she misses me, she misses my family, hopes one day well be together, my opinion matters the most."

 

then more mindgames as in, "we've both moved on, im out of your life, etc"

 

we are still of friendly terms, but i am started to realize that there is no love left here. just co-dependency as stated before. she did not even wish me a happy birthday yesterday. she is back at college and I am happy to say that i am relieved we are hours apart again.

 

i plan on going back to no contact, and moving on.

 

ex's should be ex's for a reason i learned.

 

Wow, so similar to me...apart from my girl cheating on me. But she always manages to get back into my life somehow. And usually it is for very selfish reasons on her part.

 

For me, after talking to a lot of people, the only solution to my continued pain from this girl is to make the call myself. Finally tell her to never contact me ever again. I always needed clarification on her part. Her to tell me we are done, I don't love you anymore. Instead she just runs away and comes back when she needs me....as a friend though. So this time it's up to me to be selfish, more short term pain for long term gain I guess.

 

Just trying to day look after yourself now. Not her.