What do I do??

[DL2mer]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here so I'll give a short intro. I'm a 32 yo introvert male. I haven't been in a long term relationship in about three years. The past year and a half I have been pursued by a very attractive young lady. I'm totally into her, I think she is great, and I've never had a woman chase me for this long. The only thing that has kept me hesitant from going through with this is I think... Well I know she has a drinking problem. Back in the summer I threw the hint out on three occasions that I'm not comfortable around drinking. The message never got though to her. Even though I haven't gotten to know her I've acquired strong feelings for her. I have kept myself up all night worrying if she was alright. I think I'm in love with her, but am scared to death if being in a relationship with her if her drinking doesn't stop. The last relationship I was in was with a functional alcoholic. I can't do that again. To make things worse she started a thread on topix in December. I had that thread removed, but she started another one Friday night. I had never come out and told her how I really felt but from feeling the pressure from her I did. One of her friends that I'm slightly acquainted with posted about how she cared deeply for someone the way I did and later killed himself. I know that statement was true as she had mentioned it to me before. I just couldn't handle the thought of that and completely opened up. I wish I had face to face. What do I do? Walk away? Turn my back on someone I care about or do I take a chance? Take a chance on someone that I care for but could easily destroy my life?

Thanks in advance

[AnyaNova]

Okay sweetie.

 

Twitterpated love chemicals make us lose our capacity to reason in regards to the object of our twitterpation.

 

Okay.

 

I am not quite clear. Are you saying you think that she might hurt herself if you don't get into a relationship with her?

 

That is a huge red flag right there. That is a blatant attempt at manipulation.

 

But here is the real important fact.

 

Someone who has an unadmitted and untreated drinking problem can only love one thing. Only serve one thing. Only seek one thing and it will never be you.

 

Whatever she chooses to do is her choice and her responsibility. You can find someone to be into who will not cause your life to become a sinking spiral of pain and despair.

 

Go NC with this young lady so you can find someone worthy of you.

 

Honestly. I am a pretty 35 year old woman wih granted a few pounds to lose but a gym membership, dedication, and personal training sessions. I am Intelligent, loyal, talented, and sweet and shy.

 

But I really start to lose hope of ever meeting anyone when I read posts like this. All of you men seem bound and determined to fall for train wrecks who will definitely hurt you.

 

I am too stubborn to become one just to get a man.

 

But back to topic. NO! Her choices are her choices. You really need to get away from her and find someone who can truly love you.

Edited January 6, 2014 by AnyaNova

[DL2mer]

Thanks for the reply. That's exactly what I needed to hear. I do have other options at this point and maybe she got wind of that. Problem is I've tried to get away from her for a very long time and still haven't shakin her. I'm afraid if I do date another girl she will sabotage me. Yes she is a manipulator, she has tried to make me jealous by dating other guys, that didn't work I was actually happy to see her with someone. Threats of self harm really struck a nerve with me and influenced me to seek advice.

Thanks

[AnyaNova]

Thanks for the reply. That's exactly what I needed to hear. I do have other options at this point and maybe she got wind of that. Problem is I've tried to get away from her for a very long time and still haven't shakin her. I'm afraid if I do date another girl she will sabotage me. Yes she is a manipulator, she has tried to make me jealous by dating other guys, that didn't work I was actually happy to see her with someone. Threats of self harm really struck a nerve with me and influenced me to seek advice.

Thanks

 

Shake her.

 

Go complete NC. Block her Facebook, twitter, all social media. Make sure friends and family know never to mention her.

 

This is serious for you, because you sound like the kind of guy that her kind of woman would bleed dry in a matter of months.

 

For your own life, health, and sanity you need to go so NC it is as if she doesn't exist for you. I know it doesn't feel like you could love anyone else right now, read up on human biology and attraction. We are hard wired to fall in love. I can love someone other than my ex (thank God-I really mean that- and finally!) and you can love someone else too.

 

Make a woman like me in your area very happy. Find someone who is not a soul sucking vampire (sweet though your current flame may be) and prove to us all that there is hope out there after all. :-)

[DL2mer]

I tried that back in March. Blocked her Facebook, stop eating at her place of work. Then one night I was at a bar and ran into her I bailed thinking that would be it. A couple weeks later I went to the same bar and she was working there. I stopped going there as well. I had started eating out at another restraunt on the weekends. Evidently she had followed me or knew I was eating there and the waiter began throwing hints about her to me. This went on and on and finally I decided to ask her out. I went to the bar she worked and asked if she would like to go see a movie. She said she would love to but she had a boyfriend. I told her I wasn't going to do that and it really upset her. I don't know what NC means but for the next few months I had to have been doing it. She is still infiltrating my life and the only thing I can think of is to put a PO on her or completely move. The problem is I do care about her but really couldn't ever be with her.

[AnyaNova]

I tried that back in March. Blocked her Facebook, stop eating at her place of work. Then one night I was at a bar and ran into her I bailed thinking that would be it. A couple weeks later I went to the same bar and she was working there. I stopped going there as well. I had started eating out at another restraunt on the weekends. Evidently she had followed me or knew I was eating there and the waiter began throwing hints about her to me. This went on and on and finally I decided to ask her out. I went to the bar she worked and asked if she would like to go see a movie. She said she would love to but she had a boyfriend. I told her I wasn't going to do that and it really upset her. I don't know what NC means but for the next few months I had to have been doing it. She is still infiltrating my life and the only thing I can think of is to put a PO on her or completely move. The problem is I do care about her but really couldn't ever be with her.

 

Okay.

 

This sounds a little scary.

 

I think you need to get "out of love" with her very fast, because it sounds like she has been stalking you. This behavior is not normal. It is not healthy. It isn't going to lead to true love forever.

 

Even if you did get into a relationship, between the stalking and the alcohol, don't you think there are probably 500 shades of crazy (and NOT in a good way) behavior that she hasn't shown yet? All kinds of cruelty and manipulation likely to come out as soon as the alcohol hits, once she is "comfortable" with you?

 

I think, it would be best to continue to do everything to keep her out of your life, and if she persists in following you, if she persists in the stalking, to at least notify the police and begin a plan of action.

 

Steer clear of this one, please. It is not romantic. And the one who is going to get hurt here, the one who is going to suffer, is you. And right now, it sounds like, with the exception of your feelings for her (which, btw, you might want to investigate with a therapist why someone who kept pursuing you and not only breaking NC--I mean, I think most of us here because of breakups have occasionally succumbed to that) but literally insisting on finding you in public places--caused you to feel happy feelings of twitterpation and not annoyance and/or fear), you have your life together.

 

Keep it that way by keeping her out of it!

 

Why do you think that you do have such strong feelings for her?

 

And quite possibly a highly correlated question, how's the old self-esteem doing?

[Frank2thepoint]

Honestly. I am a pretty 35 year old woman wih granted a few pounds to lose but a gym membership, dedication, and personal training sessions. I am Intelligent, loyal, talented, and sweet and shy.

 

I like a woman with a little meat. More to cuddle with.

 

But I really start to lose hope of ever meeting anyone when I read posts like this. All of you men seem bound and determined to fall for train wrecks who will definitely hurt you.

 

Some men, just like some women, love too much drama. They believe such a trainwreck will bring them a little excitement to their dreary lives. Not all men are like this. Some men, such as myself, learn from the experience of a trainwreck, and learn really quick what to avoid in the future.

[DL2mer]

Anya,

I did feel annoyed and scared by her searching for me in public. That actually made me more distant than my initial feelings about her drinking. I gave her a chance afterward because I thought maybe she really cared. Her response to me asking her out really opened my eyes and now I'm trying to stay away again. I'm going on a date this weekend and am really afraid that she will get wind of it and try to sabotage me.

 

Frank,

I really don't enjoy drama. If I did I would have already been in a relationship with this one. I don't think anybody's ever said no to this one except me and that is the main problem.

[ZipperZapper]

If you think this girl has an alcohol problem, and everything you've said suggests to me that she does, my only advice is to RUN! RUN AS FAST AND AS FAR AWAY AS YOU CAN!

 

About 12 years ago I was dating a woman who seemed to be OK at first, until we attended one of her workplace awards nights. We were sitting in a bar, I was having a soft drink, and she promptly polished off five (yes, five) martinis in the space of an hour. And this was before dinner.

 

Later that weekend, I confronted her and asked her if she had a drinking problem. She denied it, like all alcoholics deny they have a drinking problem.

 

Well, a couple of weeks later, I was over at her house. It was a cold winter day and as I was walking up to her front door I noticed there was some snow on her windshield. So, being a nice guy and all, I cleaned it off for her, only to see a parking sticker from a local casino stuck to the windshield.

 

I asked her about the sticker, and she said that the casino was giving her free parking, and her office was just across the street. I remembered that she had told me some time earlier that she liked to gamble a little, but at the time I didn't think anything of it. But then a light bulb went off in my head.

 

Let's see now, I thought. Casinos don't just let anyone park for free, but they'll let the frequent gamblers and high rollers park for free. Clapped-out car. Tiny little apartment not in keeping with the kind of salary she was making. An apparent drinking problem. A probably serious gambling problem.

 

I put two and two together and realized that if I stayed any longer with her and got in any deeper, I'd eventually find myself out on the street with an empty bank account and probably nothing more than the clothing on my back.

 

People with addictions frequently look for mates who will enable their habits, and they will drain them dry if they can, while they feed their addiction. To an addict, the substance or thing they are addicted to is number one. Nothing else matters.

 

Having grown up in an alcoholic home, I recognized the pattern of behaviour fairly quickly. Less than a week later I broke up with her.

 

If you're with this girl because her behaviour seems familiar to you or vaguely comfortable, and you grew up in a home where there was a substance-abuse problem, it might be a good idea to get in touch with a counsellor who works with ACOA's (Adult Children of Alcoholics). They can help you spot someone with a substance abuse problem and help you avoid them before you get hurt.

Edited January 7, 2014 by ZipperZapper

[DL2mer]

If you think this girl has an alcohol problem, and everything you've said suggests to me that she does, my only advice is to RUN! RUN AS FAST AND AS FAR AWAY AS YOU CAN!

 

About 12 years ago I was dating a woman who seemed to be OK at first, until we attended one of her workplace awards nights. We were sitting in a bar, I was having a soft drink, and she promptly polished off five (yes, five) martinis in the space of an hour. And this was before dinner.

 

Later that weekend, I confronted her and asked her if she had a drinking problem. She denied it, like all alcoholics deny they have a drinking problem.

 

Well, a couple of weeks later, I was over at her house. It was a cold winter day and as I was walking up to her front door I noticed there was some snow on her windshield. So, being a nice guy and all, I cleaned it off for her, only to see a parking sticker from a local casino stuck to the windshield.

 

I asked her about the sticker, and she said that the casino was giving her free parking, and her office was just across the street. I remembered that she had told me some time earlier that she liked to gamble a little, but at the time I didn't think anything of it. But then a light bulb went off in my head.

 

Let's see now, I thought. Casinos don't just let anyone park for free, but they'll let the frequent gamblers and high rollers park for free. Clapped-out car. Tiny little apartment not in keeping with the kind of salary she was making. An apparent drinking problem. A probably serious gambling problem.

 

I put two and two together and realized that if I stayed any longer with her and got in any deeper, I'd eventually find myself out on the street with an empty bank account and probably nothing more than the clothing on my back.

 

People with addictions frequently look for mates who will enable their habits, and they will drain them dry if they can, while they feed their addiction. To an addict, the substance or thing they are addicted to is number one. Nothing else matters.

 

Having grown up in an alcoholic home, I recognized the pattern of behaviour fairly quickly. Less than a week later I broke up with her.

 

If you're with this girl because her behaviour seems familiar to you or vaguely comfortable, and you grew up in a home where there was a substance-abuse problem, it might be a good idea to get in touch with a counsellor who works with ACOA's (Adult Children of Alcoholics). They can help you spot someone with a substance abuse problem and help you avoid them before you get hurt.

While my parents are not alcoholics, my dad's family did bootleg in a dry county. I can spot a drunk a mile away. I do have a couple gamblers in family. I can spot that pretty quick as well. Yes I think this girl wanted to drain me and use me. The thing that bothers me the most is I still haven't got away from her. I've never been hounded by someone like this. I know three or four months from now she's going pop up again. Thanks everyone for confirming what I wanted. I just hope she will go away.

[AnyaNova]

While my parents are not alcoholics, my dad's family did bootleg in a dry county. I can spot a drunk a mile away. I do have a couple gamblers in family. I can spot that pretty quick as well. Yes I think this girl wanted to drain me and use me. The thing that bothers me the most is I still haven't got away from her. I've never been hounded by someone like this. I know three or four months from now she's going pop up again. Thanks everyone for confirming what I wanted. I just hope she will go away.

 

Perhaps instead of hoping that she stays away, (you know she won't) make a plan of action for what you will do when she finds you again to make sure that she doesn't ever again (I really think the police could be helpful in creating this plan).

[DL2mer]

I'm going to wait and see. I really don't want to go that far but I don't how far she is going to go.

[AnyaNova]

See, and that is why a visit to the police could be good.

 

You don't need to start anything when you go, but they can help you have a plan in action and ready to go if she does find you again, which you know she will.

 

I am sure they would be willing to sit down and talk with you about strategies and things you can do without insisting that you do something this moment.

[DL2mer]

Anya,

I think she might not come back this time. I just got the feeling this time. If she does come back instead of being polite, I'm just going to tell her to get going. If it doesn't stop then I will seek advice from LE.

[DL2mer]

Anya,

What would you do if this girls father contacted me. The hint was made Saturday night.

[salparadise]

This went on and on and finally I decided to ask her out. I went to the bar she worked and asked if she would like to go see a movie. She said she would love to but she had a boyfriend. I told her I wasn't going to do that and it really upset her. I don't know what NC means...

 

I'm not sure why you're seeing this as such a monumental problem. You already know what you need to know about her... she's alcoholic, is not a person of integrity and she's a drama queen. Now I realize that sometimes people are intrinsically drawn to cray-cray or they get mixed up in it for the sex, but this is not the case. Just be polite, indifferent, and say I'm really not interested if it comes to that. She will most likely slink away. I wouldn't spend much energy trying to avoid her if all she's doing is being flirty—ignore it. Yea, staying away from where she works is a good idea but it's not worth being paranoid that you might bump into her.

 

NC = no contact. Usually done to help people detach after a breakup. But since you haven't had a relationship I don't see the need.

[DL2mer]

I'm not sure why you're seeing this as such a monumental problem. You already know what you need to know about her... she's alcoholic, is not a person of integrity and she's a drama queen. Now I realize that sometimes people are intrinsically drawn to cray-cray or they get mixed up in it for the sex, but this is not the case. Just be polite, indifferent, and say I'm really not interested if it comes to that. She will most likely slink away. I wouldn't spend much energy trying to avoid her if all she's doing is being flirty—ignore it. Yea, staying away from where she works is a good idea but it's not worth being paranoid that you might bump into her.

 

NC = no contact. Usually done to help people detach after a breakup. But since you haven't had a relationship I don't see the need.

 

I thought the same thing about a year ago. I have told her I'm not interested, I have completely disappeared ( which may have made things worse) I can't even go out on a date without someone that knows her coming over to fill me out in the middle of it. Everything you have said has worked in the past but not with this one. I've spoken to LE and got laughed at. Thanks for the great advice guys