I am in love with two men

[LaylaSings]

I am in love with two people but I don't really have either of them.

 

I don't need any morality speeches, I've heard them all and said them over in my own head. I've asked myself if I've gone crazy, the reality is I was overwhelmed in my marriage and I let my walls down and fell in love with a friend. I've been in an emotional and physical affair since.

 

For a while I was very confused and let myself justify what I was doing by magnifying my husbands faults in my mind, I had so much built up resentment at the time.

He was very miserable to me during all of my pregnancies and I was riddled with health problems through all of them and he showed little to no compassion. I suffered pretty severe postpartum after my first baby and within less than six month was pregnant with my second.. Was treated for depression during that pregnancy and was doing pretty well, but was left to raise our two alone the vast majority of the time, while my husband got partying out of his system.

During the period of my third pregnancy I was going through a very traumatic event .. Murder/suicide of a close friend and family member. And begged my husband to just be there for me. He really wasn't. He left me to deal with my feelings and pregnancy alone.

 

All this being said he is a good man. He's charming and funny, good looking and hardworking He loves me to death and loves our kids, he still isn't as hands on with them as I wish and he has a very short temper. He changed a lot after our third child and I do love him very much.

Most of my resentment comes from my pregnancies. I think he wasn't ready for a family at that time and didn't know how to deal with all my needy feelings during depression and pregnancy and he just opted out. And when I was dealing with the deaths of my friends, he just couldn't deal with all the emotions. He chose to make jokes and suggest I was depressed again rather than be there for me as I grieved. I was newly pregnant when I got this news so emotional is maybe an understatement.

 

He wishes he could take those years back and do them over now, and so do I because they were precious years. But we can't and I struggle to regain the respect I lost for him then.

 

Especially trying to be logical in my mind about it lately because I've been cheating on him for over a year now, how can I still be angry that he never touched my belly to feel our second baby kick? Never attended a doctors appointment with me.. Called me horrible names .. But now I've slept with his friend in our bed, how can I still be angry for those names he called me? But I must be. Or I don't know how I could have..

 

I'm not using any of that as an excuse for cheating. But in the beginning of the affair.. When I was letting myself fall for a friend of my husbands, those are all the things I thought about. As this other guy was telling me how amazing I was, and seeing all the things in me that my husband didn't see during that time I needed him to most.. I was telling myself he really loved the real me, more than my husband did. My husband during the same period my OM was wooing me was trying his best to love me the way he knew how. I still needed more than he was willing to give or maybe I just closed myself off to accepting what he was offering.

 

He was stressed and angry all the time from work and I took it personally. I just kept being the good wife and mother, I keep a spotless house, cook three meals a day and work on top of it. I waited for him to show more appreciation for me but never saw it.

 

Then OM out of the blue told me how he felt.

 

That night changed everything in my heart, I felt entitled to a love story. It didn't happen over night. It was at least a year of longing looks, flirting and sexual tension. We were friends and I thought this was harmless, I knew he liked me, I could feel it. I let myself fantasize about him every night, I never ever intended to ever make any of it a reality or let him know I felt that way. I did not see fantasizing as bad. I liked his wife and was getting closer to her as time went on and my husband and him were getting closer too. And then he stated how he felt, my walls crashed down and I spilled to him I felt the same! The affair turned from emotional to physical very quickly.

 

..the only major flaws that I would say my husband still had in our marriage, is his short temper, and not appreciating the emotional side of my personality..

He often belittled my feelings and called me names. I also wish he was a more hands on parent.

 

My AP is very even tempered, he's a very positive person and sees the glass half full, and he's such a hands on father and amazing loving attentive daddy.

He has a lot of flaws too but surprisingly his flaws line up with mine almost exactly. So although he's not a better man than my husband I really convinced myself he was. I do think we would have been a better match in a different time and place.. But that wasn't the case. We are married to other people and we are friends with each other's spouses.

 

I know it's wrong.

 

I don't need to hear its wrong.

 

I love both of these men. The fog lifted months ago, and I realized I was lying to myself about my husband not really loving me, I know he loves me and would do anything to fix how he treated me in the past. He can still be verbally abusive but in the last year has tried hard to fix it, I see him trying. In the beginning I let myself believe he was only with me because he felt obligated to stay because we had kids. And I convinced myself OM was my soulmate even though until meeting him didn't even believe those existed and never in a million years saw myself cheating on my husband.

 

I let myself fall in love with OM and there is no taking it back though. I won't ever tell my husband and I understand that's selfish.

This other guy, he loves me but he loves his wife too and it's a lot easier for him to deal with separating it all. He says we can make this last forever if we are careful and don't meet too often.

 

We have had no direct contact in 2 weeks, we've still seen each other but have not talked about any of this, which is normal around the holidays, we keep very low key.

 

I think about him all the time though. All the time. In every situation I'm in.

 

I've been loving my husband as best I can but sometimes my heart hurts.

 

I love my husband, but feel like the moment I started fantasizing about OM, the very first time I let myself go there.. I lost part of my relationship with my him, that I'll never have back. I'm sad that I let it happen.

 

I love my OM so deeply, I want nothing but good things for him and his wife and their marriage but at the same time I want him with me, I want him to hold me while I fall to sleep and I want to say out loud to people that he's mine and hear him say the same. It will never happen and I've accepted that.

 

I think I love my OM a little more than my husband and I'm so sad to say that but believe it's true. I love both of them and don't really have either, because my deepest thoughts I have to keep to myself.

 

I would welcome any kind words, my self esteem was destroyed over the last few years only to be built up at the beginning of the affair and crashing down again when I started to really be honest with myself. I could see my husband shines in areas my OM doesn't and my OM shines very brightly in the key areas where my husband has let me down in the past. I think that's part of why I let my boundaries down but now I'm in this weird place where I'm not sure where I'm headed.

 

I don't think I'm strong enough to end it with him because I'm still totally in love with him, and I don't want a divorce either but I can't keep doing what I'm doing to a man who works hard for our family and loves me.

 

I don't need advice telling me to confess or go no contact, because I'm not even close to being at a place where those are options. I do not get defensive easily, but kindness is appreciated I would really just like to talk to someone about any of this.

Edited January 6, 2014 by LaylaSings
Typos like mad.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Your not alone. I have two wonderful men one the world knows of and the other is my secret. I love my husband as my friend and father of our children he is a good man. The other has giving me a connection I never knew existed. I selfishly keep two wonderful men. I have no answer for you. We live in the shadows presenting a front to the world while quietly missing someone else. Yet knowing the relationship with our spouse is not one we want to end. Mm said to me once you have two men who love you. Be honest with him, he is the only one who can understand the conflict you experience.

[violet1]

I understand how you feel. I've been there, done that. When I first sought out my affair, I was very lonely in my marriage. As cheesy as it sounds, I used to say I was the lonliest married woman in the world. I expressed my unhappiness to my H many times. He also would call me names and belittle me. That has finally changed, but being constantly criticised by your spouse does a number on your self esteem. He and I even separated and went to marriage counseling, but I was too weak to follow through with divorce because it was hell and the whole thing blew up in my face. I chose to stay and seek out an affair instead.

 

When my affair started, my exMOM was everything I wanted and more. He was very loving and attentive. We were so much alike we'd completed each other's sentences. Our affair lasted a year and I fell madly in love with him. I became so conflicted, I wanted a life with him and he wanted the same. However, he wanted to wait years for his kids to be a little older to divorce. It was too hard for me to continue the double life. I loved him so much it hurt. I made a very difficult decision and I ended it a month ago. I decided I couldn't live like this anymore. Two partial relationships is really no way to live. Now I'm slowly developing strength and planning divorce this year. I'm scared as hell but my mind is clear now that I'm out of my affair. I know in my heart what I need to do.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but unless you want to live in limbo land forever, you are going to have to make a decision. The fact is, affairs are not meant to be permanent relationships. It doesn't matter how careful you are, eventually you will get caught believe it or not. When that happens, your entire world will crumble. Not only will you lose your H, but you will lose your friends. Social circle affairs never end well.

 

I strongly suggest you get into counselling to help you resolve the feelings of resentment you have developed towards your husband. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but using an affair as a band aid is not going to help you. Believe me, I did the same thing. My affair hurt more than it helped. I do wish you the best. Continue to post here and I also suggest you read on the various infidelity forums. It will help open your eyes. They are actually what helped me to get out of my affair. Best wishes!

[dichotomy]

Ok - putting the judgement off the table. Just talking here.

 

What do you need to make your self esteme better? Is there anything besides the guilt of the affair - that you do not feel good about yourself? Could you (in the absence of any man) feel good about yourself? What would that look like?

 

Can you define what it is to love someone? Or to be loved? You mention who horrible your husband was during your pregnancy - certainly that was NOT loving and he regrets it now. Again not to make you feel bad, but perhaps to help you define love. There are folks out there who claim they are able to love multiple partners at the same time, some are open about it.

 

Someone mentioned you will get caught some day, that is a possibility. So what then? Can you imagine what you would do or what would happen ? I say this not to make you feel bad necessarily but help you focus out of the fog a bit.

[violet1]

One more thing; I believe you're are paralyzed by fear. This is the reason many people resort to affairs instead of divorce. Fear of the unknown is a b*tch. A lot of people who have affairs are not horrible people. They are just lost and truly conflicted so they use affairs to cope with their marriages. They don't realize the damage they are causing THEMSELVES and others. It's very easy to get lost in the thoughts. "As long as no one finds out, no one gets hurt." I think once you get over your fears, you'll be able to make healthy decisions for yourself and your kiddos. Please get yourself into therapy. It can help you.

Edited January 6, 2014 by violet1

[RickFox]

worst thing you can do, get involved with mutual friends. I did, some of your words make me think of my xmw. it all came crashing down for me and nothing, nothing will ever be the same between you two when/ not if, but when one of your spouses figure it out. you think the anguish you feel now is bad, just wait...

[Realist3]

Wish you the best. It's hard. In much the same situation myself. I just resigned myself to accept what is, and make the best of it wherever this journey takes me.

 

The dichotomy that presents itself is unlike any I have ever faced. On one hand I have experienced the greatest joys from my A, and on the other hand great pain because it has to exist in a secret realm. But at the end pf the day it is something I'm more than willing to endure.

[violet1]

Wish you the best. It's hard. In much the same situation myself. I just resigned myself to accept what is, and make the best of it wherever this journey takes me.

 

The dichotomy that presents itself is unlike any I have ever faced. On one hand I have experienced the greatest joys from my A, and on the other hand great pain because it has to exist in a secret realm. But at the end pf the day it is something I'm more than willing to endure.

 

Yes, I felt the same way. The difference is I wasn't willing to endure it any longer. I believe I deserve more than two partial relationships. With the nature of an affair it's impossible to put your all in one relationship without damaging or neglecting the other. So...I threw in the towel and didn't look back. I don't regret my affair but I don't miss the ups/downs and hot/cold behaviors that come with the territory.

[Realist3]

Yes, I felt the same way. The difference is I wasn't willing to endure it any longer. I believe I deserve more than two partial relationships. With the nature of an affair it's impossible to put your all in one relationship without damaging or neglecting the other. So...I threw in the towel and didn't look back. I don't regret my affair but I don't miss the ups/downs and hot/cold behaviors that come with the territory.

 

That is certainly understandable on every level. I just don't find myself in the same exact position. The two partials are better than the one unsatisfactory. In fact, for me it makes the other better. The pain the A causes is internalized, and after this length of time, normalized. It is just part of the deal, and I accept that.

[psm04]

Yes, I felt the same way. The difference is I wasn't willing to endure it any longer. I believe I deserve more than two partial relationships. With the nature of an affair it's impossible to put your all in one relationship without damaging or neglecting the other. So...I threw in the towel and didn't look back. I don't regret my affair but I don't miss the ups/downs and hot/cold behaviors that come with the territory.

 

Exactly the way I felt/feel. Love this and your other posts!

[Realist3]

Exactly the way I felt/feel. Love this and your other posts!

 

I will just add that I agree, and that both Violet and you, psm, are great additions to this board.

[violet1]

That is certainly understandable on every level. I just don't find myself in the same exact position. The two partials are better than the one unsatisfactory. In fact, for me it makes the other better. The pain the A causes is internalized, and after this length of time, normalized. It is just part of the deal, and I accept that.

 

Yeah, I can understand that. Your situation is a bit different than mine though. You do however, remind me so much of my exMOM. I think that's why I tend to gravitate to your posts. He would have continued with me forever and stay married for his kiddos. He's one who's seriously only in it for the kids. He has a child with a disability and his wife has never worked. His wife neglects the kids (I do know this to be true BTW) and he wants to be there to protect them. I understand that, it was just way too hard for me to deal with. My breaking point was when I told him I wanted to D my H. He didn't want me too because he was worried that I would pressure him. Like you, he's not ready to leave right now. He even admitted to having a biased opinion on the matter.

[Quiet Storm]

I think you would benefit from counseling. This is a lot to cope with.

 

I think you should give your marriage a chance, and your kids will benefit from having an intact family (as long as the name calling is over). You say he is a good man.

 

Sometimes when we feel really strongly about people, we assume it is a positive attraction- that we are meant to be with that person. Many of the most intense attractions are unhealthy. Our self worth and family of origin issues act like magnets, drawing us towards people that aren't good for us. You can love someone but accept that its not good for you. You dont have to pursue the attraction or nurture the emotional connection. It's a choice, and you have a lot at stake.

[Realist3]

Yeah, I can understand that. Your situation is a bit different than mine though. You do however, remind me so much of my exMOM. I think that's why I tend to gravitate to your posts. He would have continued with me forever and stay married for his kiddos. He's one who's seriously only in it for the kids. He has a child with a disability and his wife has never worked. His wife neglects the kids (I do know this to be true BTW) and he wants to be there to protect them. I understand that, it was just way too hard for me to deal with. My breaking point was when I told him I wanted to D my H. He didn't want me too because he was worried that I would pressure him. Like you, he's not ready to leave right now. He even admitted to having a biased opinion on the matter.

 

 

A lot of similarities. I too have a child with disabilities and I am her rock. I could not imagine leaving her for my own desires and happiness.

 

As I mentioned previously in another thread, my concern with the MOW going to marriage counseling was a possible divorce. I maybe selfish, but I'm not stupid. It may last for awhile, but she already fights off advances like nobody's business. It would only be a matter of time unless I too decided to leave. So while I will support her in whatever she decides is best for her, I admit my own selfish motivations for keeping things in the status quo.

[LaylaSings]

I've been in counselling off and on. I don't believe I'm in a fog of any kind anymore. I know exactly where both men stand, I know that what I'm doing is dangerous and reckless for so many reasons.

I've never thought it could last forever. I don't want it to end yet but at the same time since we have been low contact for a couple weeks already and will be soon again from a specific reason.. I thought maybe I should be trying to get myself strong enough to make some choices. I don't know yet.

I love both of them.

So far I've just been telling myself that it's been worth it and I don't regret it, and just preparing myself for a broken heart in the end.. I've just felt as long as I'm the only one hurt it will be ok.

 

I've never put myself first in my whole life until this, I thought I was entitled to it, but I do sometimes feel one that instead of giving myself a gift I did so much more damage to me.. I did this to me and to my kids to. I do think about that, even it nobody ever finds out. It's done damage.

 

I love this guy but he is bad for me too I know.

He was there for me when I needed him and continues to be, but we are both lying to the people we care about and it's very confusing.

[Scott Thomas]

I am a former Married-OM and BH. I'll share my perspective:

 

This is a temporary phase and years from now, you'll look back and wonder about what you were doing. Change your statement from 'I love two men' to 'I Love Myself and have two men to satisfy me'.

 

Real love involves caring for someone and placing their desires, happiness and well-being above yours. Real love involves being with someone because you want to make them happy, not because they make you happy with sex or providing a comfortable lifestyle.

 

As a man, believe me when I say this that the worst way to betray a man would be to sleep with his friend. And your affair partner is not your husband's friends. Friend's don't sleep with each others wives. You're seriously deluded if you think this statement is wrong.

 

I am not going to pass a moral statement on your actions. You are an adult and know the difference between right and wrong. I'm not going to post a long paragraph urging you to break all ties with the OM and confess to your husband, or the fact that you would feel betrayed if your husband slept with your friend. That is a decision you have to reach. However, I can assure you that you won't be the only one who ends up with a broken heart (hint: your husband, children). How would you feel if you discovered that your mom cheated on your dad with his friend? That is exactly how your children will feel. Consequently, your statement "so far I've just been telling myself that it's been worth it and I don't regret it, and just preparing myself for a broken heart in the end.. I've just felt as long as I'm the only one hurt it will be ok" seems deluded.

 

I hope your husband and children find happiness. If you need help, start reading books about affairs (Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley, Not Just Friends, His Needs Her Needs, Recovering from Affairs). If you feel the need to some hindsight from former wayward wives, read the threads on this forum.

 

Good Luck.

[Snipercatt]

I felt entitled to a love story

.

 

Layla, I know you understand that your sense of entitlement is what permitted you to have an affair.

 

You let your resentment motivate your sense of entitlement.

 

I know that intellectually you understand that. However, it is your feelings that you have to address.

 

The emotionally mature thing to do would have been to address your feelings of resentment with your H as they were happening. Too late for that. But, if you want to get to the bottom of this you have to pursue your feelings of resentment and do so with your H's participation. That is a tall order, but enjoying your times with your MM friend is shielding the work that you really have to do. Even if you decide not to deal with your feelings of resentment with your H, you still have to unravel that for yourself and understand how you let it motivate you.

 

In the end, it is negative feelings that initially motivated you, not some grand love story. You'll never get to that grand love story, with either of these men, unless you do the hard work I mentioned.

 

Wishing your the best. It's going to be a struggle, no matter what.

[tired girl]

I've never put myself first in my whole life until this, I thought I was entitled to it, but I do sometimes feel one that instead of giving myself a gift I did so much more damage to me.. I did this to me and to my kids to. I do think about that, even it nobody ever finds out. It's done damage.

 

This right here has a lot of truth in it for yourself. Look at this some more. You have done a lot of damage to yourself by doing this, you have betrayed yourself more than anyone else in this scenario. Betrayed who you thought you were. It wasn't about entitlement, it was about trying to get something that you were desperately craving, and someone gave that to you. The problem is, that bucket will never be full unless you learn how to fill it yourself. You don't have true intimacy with either man at this point. And that is what your heart truly desires. Until you fix what is going on with you, you can't achieve this with any man. Maybe your H is not capable of giving you what you need, but you won't know this until you devote yourself to your M and yourself. Stop damaging and betraying who you are as a person.

[central]

There is no conventional good solution to this, and if you continue on this path it's likely you'll be found out with all the attendant consequences and unpleasantness. The unconventional solution is to ask for a polyamorous relationship. Of course, your two men may not be open to any such thing - few people really are, but it is becoming more common. Most likely, asking this will cause both relationships to destruct, and all will have to be revealed to even ask.

 

When my wife and I were dating, we were in such relationships, but they were openly disclosed and discussed from the outset. She had another bf, and I had another gf, both of whom were open to a poly relationship. We were lucky, because it's rare to find and make work. Ours lasted for several years, and ended amicably. We're all still friends, and obviously my wife and I thrived thereafter, and eventually decided on an open relationship.

[LaylaSings]

I am a former Married-OM and BH. I'll share my perspective:

 

This is a temporary phase and years from now, you'll look back and wonder about what you were doing. Change your statement from 'I love two men' to 'I Love Myself and have two men to satisfy me'.

 

Real love involves caring for someone and placing their desires, happiness and well-being above yours. Real love involves being with someone because you want to make them happy, not because they make you happy with sex or providing a comfortable lifestyle.

 

 

 

.....

 

With all do respect you do not know my situation. I am not with with of them because of a comfy lifestyle or for sex. All I ever do is care for those around me. I take care of my husband and have been waiting and wishing for a marriage where how I take care of him will spill over into how he takes care of me but it is a work in progress.

I love both of them very much. I know what love is. I would take a bullet for them, I would do anything to make them happy.

 

I haven't once tried to say this affair isn't selfish but its the only thing on my life that could be considered so, don't waste your time trying to analyze my marriage when I have not given a lot of details on that. I do love my husband, but believe because of so much built up resentment my OM has a little more of my thoughts and heart lately.

Edited January 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote

[Sub]

It depends on how how you qualify "love" or being "in love". Personally, I don't think someone can feel the same type of love for two different people. It's a cop out to me. You sound in love with what your OM currently is, but the love you have for your BH is connected to what you WANT him, and at one time thought him, to be.

 

And I'd agree with the above comment about taking a bullet for your H while having an A. Rings very hollow. That sort of love needs to be proven. Saying it doesn't make it so. I mean, would you feel loved if your H told you he loved you AND another woman?

[LaylaSings]

It depends on how how you qualify "love" or being "in love". Personally, I don't think someone can feel the same type of love for two different people. It's a cop out to me. You sound in love with what your OM currently is, but the love you have for your BH is connected to what you WANT him, and at one time thought him, to be.

 

And I'd agree with the above comment about taking a bullet for your H while having an A. Rings very hollow. That sort of love needs to be proven. Saying it doesn't make it so. I mean, would you feel loved if your H told you he loved you AND another woman?

 

I agree, I think you can love more than one person but not in the same way. I believe I did say in my original post that unfortunately I do feel more in love with my OM. I have a lot of history, and of course children with my husband though and I feel obligated to be there for him, I do love him and would miss him every day forever if we weren't together anymore. I feel I would miss OM forever too. I don't exactly know what's going to happen but I do think they are both wrong for me in a lot of ways even though I love them both.

[Quiet Storm]

I can't believe you say you would take a bullet for those you love.

 

You would take a bullet for him but its too hard to be faithful? You would take a bullet for your kids but have no problem risking their stability and life as they know it?

 

You'd sacrifice your life, but can't handle be bored and lonely?

 

But you'll just say, I know I'm selfish, I know I'm risking it all, I know how messed up this is. But , yeah, I willl take a bullet for them.

 

You know you are messed up, but don't care enough to change. Your family deserves more respect than this. You should get help for your "confusion" before you ruin all you claim to love.

Edited January 8, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[whichwayisup]

Sorry but you're in a complete self absorbed affair fog yet you won't and can't see this because your frame of mind won't allow you to see anything else.

I don't exactly know what's going to happen but I do think they are both wrong for me in a lot of ways even though I love them both.

 

This is so telling. Big red flag, do you see it?

 

Good luck. I feel for your husband and his wife, the kids who are all innocent in this mess when it blows up and the fallout has to be dealt with. Just OWN your part in all this and don't blame your husband for your choices, don't put all this on your MM either. Each of (MM and you) have gone into this knowing what's what.

[LaylaSings]

In my opinion it's just kind of a waste of your time to be giving me speeches about the possible consequences or trying to say I'm a bad mother because I've already been considering everything.

I was seeking out to talk to anyone who could relate to anything I'm going through. If I've rubbed you the wrong way I was unintentional.

Yesterday was the first contact, save for a couple brief hellos but no conversations, I've had with OM since before Christmas. I do not know when I'll see or talk to him again and I'm not worrying about it, I'm trying to focus my thoughts elsewhere as much as I can. I haven't ended it with him. But I am not pursuing anything and if and when he brings it up I will try to put into words for him how conflicted I've been feeling.

I'm doing my best to work on my marriage too but didn't come here planning to get into all of that. My husband has a long history of being very verbally abusive and neglectful of me and my kids. I have anger towards him he doesn't even know I have. He has been in counselling since November and I am trying to be supportive of that and I'm holding out hope we can salvage something. I don't know yet.

I do know my other man would be content to keep what we have going exactly as it is forever and as much as I want it, selfishly, I know we would get caught and also that I'll never fix my marriage while living two lives.