Madman81 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 She called again tonight and despite last night's discussion, expected me to tell her how much I love her etc. and I shut it down again. She's now telling me I can't see my daughter because "it doesn't work that way" and "you have to be both a husband and a father". Nuh-uh. She hasn't the first clue how it works. You have rights to see your daughter. You mentioned that you were going to leave the savings to her since she doesn't work (guess she's gonna have to start, huh?) and to avoid making her mad. Reality check: she's going to get mad whether you do that or not. You need to protect your own interests (and those of your daughter, of course). Protecting your daughter from somebody who sounds unstable (the knife thing you mentioned is very disturbing) will require the help of a lawyer, and that will require money. Plus, if you freeze the savings or scoop them, you have a bargaining chip that you'll need later. You shouldn't become cruel, but bending over backwards to be "nice" in this situation will only wind up screwing you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SnapCracklePop Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Nuh-uh. She hasn't the first clue how it works. You have rights to see your daughter. You mentioned that you were going to leave the savings to her since she doesn't work (guess she's gonna have to start, huh?) and to avoid making her mad. Reality check: she's going to get mad whether you do that or not. You need to protect your own interests (and those of your daughter, of course). Protecting your daughter from somebody who sounds unstable (the knife thing you mentioned is very disturbing) will require the help of a lawyer, and that will require money. Plus, if you freeze the savings or scoop them, you have a bargaining chip that you'll need later. You shouldn't become cruel, but bending over backwards to be "nice" in this situation will only wind up screwing you. Absolutely correct. Nothing takes away your right to see your children except if you are unhealthy for your children. Even if you were to not pay child support (not cool.. but still)... even if you didn't, you still have a right to your children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 She called back tonight, this time not angry but sobbing again with all the messages of love. Now after maybe 6 months since the last time, she now apparently wants sex every day. . This is called 'Hoovering' look it up. It's where she tries to use sex to soften you up and get you to do what she wants. If she hasn't screwed you in six months she doesn't love you or desire you. She's only saying that now to soften you up and manipulate you into doing what she wants. Good chance she will even try to get pregnant so you will be even more hooked. ITS NOT REAL, DON'T FALL FOR IT!!!! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Madman81 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 ^^^^^ this. ^^^^^ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdFlow Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 When she emptied the bank accounts, do you know what she did with the money? She moves it all into her own personal account which I don't have access to. After I come back she moves it back to the joint account. Nuh-uh. She hasn't the first clue how it works. You have rights to see your daughter. She doesn't seem to have any concept of co-parenting because she has this fantasy of having the perfect family. She wants perfection or nothing. I'll definitely pursue my rights. Thanks for the info on hoovering, never heard of it! Helps me realise it can't be real. I just hope it stops soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdFlow Posted January 9, 2014 Author Share Posted January 9, 2014 Update: It's still going, she called once again, asking if I "had anything to say", as though she's waiting for me to tell her I'm coming back. I explained that nothing had changed and she started saying that I have to sign over all parenting rights otherwise she's going to "leave" with the baby. Sometime after that she made a thinly-veiled threat to kill herself and the baby. I didn't give in and to be honest I don't believe she'd go that far but I don't know what to do. I did call her mother immediately and asked her to check on her as she lives extremely close by. She also continued to blame me for everything, and told me I'm ripping out her and my daughter's hearts and throwing them in the bin. I feel like I'm becoming more immune to her behavior and beginning to realise how insane it really is. Trying to step through things carefully and work on getting a lawyer but she makes it very difficult to stay calm. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Has she ever been tested for bipolar disorder? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdFlow Posted January 9, 2014 Author Share Posted January 9, 2014 She hasn't been tested but she made severe threats again and drove away with the baby so I called the police. They managed to find her and are going to speak to her, and also mention that she will have to undergo some kind of testing (didn't catch what it was exactly) so I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up diagnosed with something soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Cold, Believe me when I tell you there is NO making headway with her. She is a bully who will stop at nothing to get her way. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Sorry for triple-posting but I feel like I am dealing with two different women. She called back tonight, this time not angry but sobbing again with all the messages of love. Now after maybe 6 months since the last time, she now apparently wants sex every day. Part of me wants to believe it but most of me knows it's all BS and she just wants me back in control after letting the leash out too far. It's so confusing yet I'm still trying to fight against it. I don't know what I need to tell her for this to end as amicably as possible, and to stop her from trying to jab me with nice words and memories. In a sense you ARE. My BPD alarm bells are ringing bigtime because her relational fantasy is not matching her relational reality and shes 110% blaming you. The reason I guessed suicidal/threats etc. Is that is a hallmark of BPD during times of relational stress. I know everyone says it is pure manipulation (and it is BUT), IT IS also a reflection of genuine stress and she wants the pain to stop by any means necessary. I guarantee you that she cant self-regulate (at this point) thats why shes needing and expecting it from you. But you csnt regulate yourself for the comfort of two people. It just isnt possible. Youll go mad or hate yourself. But just one question and dont take it personally: Were you faithful to her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 You need to see a lawyer right F'ing now and get recording devices that you can have on your phone and on your person and start recording all this $hit. Anything even resembling a threat to the child is grounds for immediate legal action. This scenario is so over the top I'm starting to question it's authenticity. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 I explained that nothing had changed and she started saying that I have to sign over all parenting rights otherwise she's going to "leave" with the baby. How stupid. What would be the point of you signing over parental rights? If she was going to leave with the baby if you didn't - either way you wouldn't see your child. She is using this as an excuse to get you over there so she can make you have sex with her and hopefully get you back for more of her abuse. Sometime after that she made a thinly-veiled threat to kill herself and the baby. I didn't give in and to be honest I don't believe she'd go that far but I don't know what to do. Too bad you didn't tape her saying such a despicable thing and give it to your lawyer. She's completely disgusting. Is there anyway you can ignore her calls or stop taking her calls until you speak to an attorney? Make sure to get every penny out of your account, then send her enough money to buy groceries. Don't let her talk down to you. Stand up for yourself and put her in her place or otherwise don't take her calls. Tell her it's time she starts looking for a job. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 She hasn't been tested but she made severe threats again and drove away with the baby so I called the police. They managed to find her and are going to speak to her, and also mention that she will have to undergo some kind of testing (didn't catch what it was exactly) so I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up diagnosed with something soon. OMG! Did this just happen????? Get your baby away from this woman! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlametheIrish Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) Get a lawyer and work on getting a temporary custody order in place asap!!! She cannot keep you from your child! Document her actions and get that recorder as well. This will all be of great help in a custody hearing. And I know it goes without saying but don't sign anything passport related to your child. Edited January 9, 2014 by BlametheIrish 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 (edited) I'm hearing all this advice and, honestly, while she does sound pretty screwed up, I don't see anything which would make her lose custody. Fighting women in custody court is like fighting someone on higher ground. A woman has to be a proven hardcore criminal, drug addict, or simply not want her kids in order for men to win custody. My ex pulled the same crap with threatening to take my kids away (even did it twice) and the judge knew about yet he didnt care. Even a diagnosis of bipolar or borderline won't make her lose kids--especially if she has supportive family nearby (which my ex did). I even know of a man whose ex was busted with illegal drugs and was an addict; but she just took a rehab class and now has primary custody. I hate to be negative, but I don't see anything which would make a woman lose. Now that's not saying she isn't messed up or that you shouldn't be the primary parent. You probably should. Unfortunately judges think differently because they rule based on precedent and societal norms rather than what is objectively wise. Edited January 9, 2014 by M30USA Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 I'm hearing all this advice and, honestly, while she does sound pretty screwed up, I don't see anything which would make her lose custody. Fighting women in custody court is like fighting someone on higher ground. A woman has to be a proven hardcore criminal, drug addict, or simply not want her kids in order for men to win custody. My ex pulled the same crap with threatening to take my kids away (even did it twice) and the judge knew about yet he didnt care. Even a diagnosis of bipolar or borderline won't make her lose kids--especially if she has supportive family nearby (which my ex did). I even know of a man whose ex was busted with illegal drugs and was an addict; but she just took a rehab class and now has primary custody. I hate to be negative, but I don't see anything which would make a woman lose. Now that's not saying she isn't messed up or that you shouldn't be the primary parent. You probably should. Unfortunately judges think differently because they rule based on precedent and societal norms rather than what is objectively wise. As a father he is obligated to protect and provide for his children whether he will win primary custody or not. She made a threat to a baby. That has to be acted on and reported regardless of how other custody cases have played out in the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 As a father he is obligated to protect and provide for his children whether he will win primary custody or not. She made a threat to a baby. That has to be acted on and reported regardless of how other custody cases have played out in the end. Of course. I didn't say he shouldn't fight for them. He should. But he should also have a reasonable idea of what to expect in our current societal climate. Btw, what "threat" did she make? To take the baby? That's not a threat. Technically both parents are allowed to act in what THEY believe is the best interest of the child. All his ex has to do--and probably WILL do--is claim that the OP isn't a good father or that he is abusive. This is why 60% of divorcing women claim this about their exes; it gives them a legitimate reason for leaving. Classic technique. Happens all the time. And why not? There's no such thing as perjury or punishment for false accusations. Might as well, they say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdFlow Posted January 9, 2014 Author Share Posted January 9, 2014 Were you faithful to her? I was 100% faithful but like you said earlier, other things have been twisted into being almost as bad in her mind, like using Wikipedia. ME0USA, I'm prepared for that regarding custody, after everything I've been reading online. She made a few threats which essentially led to the same outcome, saying that I'm going to be a widower, and saying that if I wasn't going to be her husband then no one was going to have her or the baby. When I asked her what she meant about the latter she said "you know what I mean". Part of this was in person in the street and once it ended she sped off with the baby in the car (literally just planted her foot down). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Cold, The best thing you can do is EXPECT a rough battle with her and MAKE PEACE with it. Life and heartache is mostly about expectations. As long as you know what's coming and try to take care of yourself, you'll be good. Also try to keep a long term perspective. Any time I had a conflict with my ex post divorce, I just visualized my boys decades from now as grown. How will what I'm doing now affect them? What matters and what doesn't? Remember: It's not uncommon for a woman to win primary custody only to see her kids choose to live with dad once they become teenagers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Btw, what "threat" did she make? To take the baby? That's not a threat. . She made this threat and it should be taken seriously: Sometime after that she made a thinly-veiled threat to kill herself and the baby. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Oh, okay. I officially rescind my comment 2 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 OP, I have a term for people like your STBW: Triple B... Bully, Bluff, and Bumrush! Those three words sum up how those types of people operate. It's a special, intricate blend of the animal kingdom and the mafia. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdFlow Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 She denied saying that stuff when confronted by the police, who eventually deemed she and the baby were OK, so psychiatric help wasn't needed. Kind of unfortunate outcome in a way. I'm feeling calmer today because she hasn't contacted me in the slightest and it's giving me time to think about my next moves. I also got everything off my chest to my boss who was supportive. Thanks all for your continued assistance 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 She denied saying that stuff when confronted by the police, who eventually deemed she and the baby were OK, so psychiatric help wasn't needed. Kind of unfortunate outcome in a way. I'm feeling calmer today because she hasn't contacted me in the slightest and it's giving me time to think about my next moves. I also got everything off my chest to my boss who was supportive. Thanks all for your continued assistance My ex wife also denied ever beating me to the police. Would you expect any different from these people? I think it's very telling that you feel "calmer" when you're away from your STBX. That says a lot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdFlow Posted April 2, 2014 Author Share Posted April 2, 2014 Hi all, I thought I'd bump this up since it's got all the backstory here relevant to the situation. As an update, I haven't seen my daughter since early January (aside from photos I only started receiving this week) but I'm doing a lot better on a personal level. I initiated mediation weeks ago which has been a slow process but my ex receiving the letter from the center asking her to come in for a consultation seems to have prompted her to once again contact me and start some typical behavior. Instead of attending mediation right away she has spoken to me a couple of times and agreed to meet this Saturday so I can see my daughter but she also emphasised that the point was to see HER as well--she's acting very nice to me and insisting that we need to make things work, which as all who posted in her previously know, can't happen. She's even sending me photos of herself as she has lost weight and attempting to draw me back in. Plus my family who I've now reconnected with would be devastated if I even thought about getting back with this woman. So my question is, although there's a 95% chance of her becoming enraged and us resuming mediation when she finds out that I'm not interested in "making things work", has anyone been in a similar delicate situation or have any advice on how I should be in dealing with her specifically? I don't want to play games and give her false hope in order to keep my daughter in reach, so she needs to be aware that nothing is going to happen. Is there any hope that she can understand this, but still have her allow access to my daughter without mediation and court intervention? Link to post Share on other sites
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