Need help with post-breakup, what to do?

[Juha]

Unfortunately your ex is immature. She had no relationship experience.

No life experience. She does not know what it's like to be in an "adult" relationship, even though she was in one and has a child. She is a child emotionally still it seems.

 

She never got to live life as she was with you from 19 on. Never got any experience in life.

 

From reading what you have wrote. She has lost the butterflies for you so thinks that she is not in love with you. that is a statement of an immature person. Her wanting to be with other guys to hook up and party with is something she feels she missed by being with you in a relationship at an early age.

 

There is nothing you can do. She needs to go through this and get some life experience, good and bad. you need to disappear as best you can from her life. With a child involved it's not as easy. you need to move on and become your strong self again.

 

This is a classic case of gigs if I ever saw it. Let her go, let her party and have fun. This is what she wants or think she wants. She will get sick of it.

Maybe in time she will figure things out and realize what she did. She is only thinking of herself right now. She may come to you one day and apologize and miss you and want what she had. Maybe.

 

the thing I would be worried about is if your child is being cared for well. With her in party and hook up mode I fear your child will not be cared for as best as needs be. Also I would be worried about who these people she is hanging around with are and if they are a problem for your child.

 

Sorry you have to go through this but there is nothing you can do. She got involved in an adult relationship that she thought she could handle but was not mature enough. I know what she has done hurts please don't let it hurt your life and how you live.

 

take care of you and your child. Do what you want. you are what matters now. Not her.

[Juha]

Here is the link to the gigs thread. Read through it, I hope it helps you understand better what is up with your ex.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

[ElecTriX]

Unfortunately your ex is immature. She had no relationship experience.

No life experience. She does not know what it's like to be in an "adult" relationship, even though she was in one and has a child. She is a child emotionally still it seems.

 

She never got to live life as she was with you from 19 on. Never got any experience in life.

 

From reading what you have wrote. She has lost the butterflies for you so thinks that she is not in love with you. that is a statement of an immature person. Her wanting to be with other guys to hook up and party with is something she feels she missed by being with you in a relationship at an early age.

 

There is nothing you can do. She needs to go through this and get some life experience, good and bad. you need to disappear as best you can from her life. With a child involved it's not as easy. you need to move on and become your strong self again.

 

This is a classic case of gigs if I ever saw it. Let her go, let her party and have fun. This is what she wants or think she wants. She will get sick of it.

Maybe in time she will figure things out and realize what she did. She is only thinking of herself right now. She may come to you one day and apologize and miss you and want what she had. Maybe.

 

the thing I would be worried about is if your child is being cared for well. With her in party and hook up mode I fear your child will not be cared for as best as needs be. Also I would be worried about who these people she is hanging around with are and if they are a problem for your child.

 

Sorry you have to go through this but there is nothing you can do. She got involved in an adult relationship that she thought she could handle but was not mature enough. I know what she has done hurts please don't let it hurt your life and how you live.

 

take care of you and your child. Do what you want. you are what matters now. Not her.

 

Wow, just.. Wow. Thank you. I have already red the GIGS-thread so I have understood that.

 

Yes, of course I am concerned about her taking care of our son. If she is blinded by her goal to get a new life with parties and hooking up with guys she barely know I really hope that either me or kindergarden will notice this by our sons change in behavior.

 

I have already planed to talk to kindergarden and inform them about her new lifestyle and beg them to keep an eye out, both when she is getting / leaving our son in her behaviour but also our sons.

 

I have already lived a life filled with partiets and drinks, but when my son was born I made a promise to myself to never go there again if my son needs me. He will always be my main priority.

 

She on the other hand gave him over to her mother one night just so she can party, and he had fever and a cold. Was so furious that she did that and since then I have really been concerned about how high priority he has in her new life.

 

Heartbroken is one thing, but to be concerned about if your son will get right amount of attention and love from the other parent is really something to be sleepless over. Trust me, it's one of the many things that makes me sad over this big change.

[flight E]

I know it hurts and you miss her trust me I have been there. But I fail to see how you can genuinely want the mother of you child that will mock you to another man. Wanting her only proves her right that you are a sissy. Gigs or no gigs be done with that bitch. What examples are you going to show your son; how to be a door mat. Get over her already

[Juha]

You said that you had partied and such. Well look at it from her point of view.

She has not had the chance to do that. This was something that was bound to happen sooner or later.

 

I am sure her friends have been out and about the whole time you were together. Did she go out with her friends? I know it's hard to understand she really is just doing what she feels she needs to. I really don't think she is going out of her way to hurt you.

 

People who do this just kind of get lost and what was once important to them is not anymore. I can tell you from first hand experience. I love my ex but I know she needs to go and be single and live her life. She was to immature and just did a 180. Thing is I could see it coming and how she struggled because of her feelings for me.

 

Once she did it she has been awful in how she broke up, how she has treated me. She only thinks of herself. She has also turned some things around to make me the bad guy to justify to herself what she did, doing. I have been NC except the few times she has been in touch. She is all over the place emotionally when it comes to me. The hardest is telling me how important I am to her and that she wants me in her life forever, as her friend. I declined.

She even said if she was 2-3 years older things would be different.

 

I have never been treated this way by anyone, I am sure neither have you. I love her but don't care anymore. She is doing everything she can to move on, try to kill whatever feelings she has for me and relieve her guilt.

 

She even text me telling me how angry she was at me seeing my fb page updates. Did not want to see me, my family, or my blonde bitch friend. Did not want to hate me or lose me. She ended up unfriending me. lol

 

I could go on but you get the point. She is not the person you knew, she will grow and mature in time. At some point she will find herself again. When that will be is anyone's guess. I don't doubt she will come to you to talk and at least apologize and show her appreciation for you.

 

See right now they can't see that we were good for and to them. That you can't just throw good people away from your life like trash. That only comes when you mature. When you are young and immature you always think I can find someone who is there for me and treats me great anywhere. We know that is not the case. Only then will they appreciate us and realize their mistake and what they lost.

[ElecTriX]

You said that you had partied and such. Well look at it from her point of view.

She has not had the chance to do that. This was something that was bound to happen sooner or later.

 

I am sure her friends have been out and about the whole time you were together. Did she go out with her friends? I know it's hard to understand she really is just doing what she feels she needs to. I really don't think she is going out of her way to hurt you.

 

People who do this just kind of get lost and what was once important to them is not anymore. I can tell you from first hand experience. I love my ex but I know she needs to go and be single and live her life. She was to immature and just did a 180. Thing is I could see it coming and how she struggled because of her feelings for me.

 

Once she did it she has been awful in how she broke up, how she has treated me. She only thinks of herself. She has also turned some things around to make me the bad guy to justify to herself what she did, doing. I have been NC except the few times she has been in touch. She is all over the place emotionally when it comes to me. The hardest is telling me how important I am to her and that she wants me in her life forever, as her friend. I declined.

She even said if she was 2-3 years older things would be different.

 

I have never been treated this way by anyone, I am sure neither have you. I love her but don't care anymore. She is doing everything she can to move on, try to kill whatever feelings she has for me and relieve her guilt.

 

She even text me telling me how angry she was at me seeing my fb page updates. Did not want to see me, my family, or my blonde bitch friend. Did not want to hate me or lose me. She ended up unfriending me. lol

 

I could go on but you get the point. She is not the person you knew, she will grow and mature in time. At some point she will find herself again. When that will be is anyone's guess. I don't doubt she will come to you to talk and at least apologize and show her appreciation for you.

 

See right now they can't see that we were good for and to them. That you can't just throw good people away from your life like trash. That only comes when you mature. When you are young and immature you always think I can find someone who is there for me and treats me great anywhere. We know that is not the case. Only then will they appreciate us and realize their mistake and what they lost.

 

I know. I know that the only thing is for both of us to move on. To let her go and live her own life.

 

In some way I dont blame her, if she felt that she wants a different life and future without me I would be upset, but I would understand it. Im just sad that she couldnt be honest from the start. Telling me how she felt and what she really wanted. Instead I got this immature ending with secrets, lies and games.

 

"If you trully love her, set her free."

 

I know this. I think I have known this for some time but ignored it or something. I know that I love her, I know that she was the one I wanted to mary, to have another child with - she always talked about wanting a daughter, even only a couple of months ago..

 

I understand that she wasnt ready and that she wanted to try out a new life, but its hard to let go (no matter how much she mocks me). Love is love, she can act like a bitch and mock me and I get angry, but it doesnt make me stop loving her.

 

I know that this will take some time to totaly accept and to move on. But just by doing partial NC it feels better but as soon as she calls or texts me my heart races, I actually get scared to whats her next move.

 

But I will be strong again, I know it.

[ElecTriX]

I have noticed some behavioral change from my ex. She seems to be extremely irritated and angry almost all the time and tries to take it out on me.

 

Last week she only said hurtful words (without "sounding" angry) but now she's acting pissed of. Is this because she has noticed I am not giving her any attention any more (90% NC) or what? Is this a phase dumpers can go through?

 

Yesterday she "screamed" via text at me but I didnt respond, just laughed at her behaviour and I have been starting feeling sorry for her instead because shes acting kind of pathetic. Good / bad?

 

I still have NC except when it comes to anything about our son.

Edited January 9, 2014 by ElecTriX

[ElecTriX]

My god how much I miss her and can't stop thinking about her. I do want her back, it's been over a month since BU now.

 

I do low contact (I never start a contact) but everytime she wants something (for instance to know when I'm home a certain day so she can drop of our son) she always sound pissed of and angry at me. Most of the time I don't care but sometimes I get low. It's so difficult to handle all of this because of my feelings for her.

 

Today she's coming by to pick some stuff up from the house and to drop of our son.

 

I don't know how to behave, what to say, what to respond of she says anything. It's wierd to feel that I have no power or control over my feelings for her.

 

Please help me anyone, I am really standing on the deep end here and I am getting nervous to meet her again. What to do?! I still love her and want her back but I know it's not possible..

Edited January 13, 2014 by ElecTriX

[ElecTriX]

Sorry for spamming, but anyone? Please?

[Haydn]

You said it yourself. `Not possible`

 

Concrete arrangements over your son. Then ignore. Yes no answers to her. Get her stuff out of your house asap. No reminders.

 

 

My god how much I miss her and can't stop thinking about her. I do want her back, it's been over a month since BU now.

 

I do low contact (I never start a contact) but everytime she wants something (for instance to know when I'm home a certain day so she can drop of our son) she always sound pissed of and angry at me. Most of the time I don't care but sometimes I get low. It's so difficult to handle all of this because of my feelings for her.

 

Today she's coming by to pick some stuff up from the house and to drop of our son.

 

I don't know how to behave, what to say, what to respond of she says anything. It's wierd to feel that I have no power or control over my feelings for her.

 

Please help me anyone, I am really standing on the deep end here and I am getting nervous to meet her again. What to do?! I still love her and want her back but I know it's not possible..

[David87]

My god how much I miss her and can't stop thinking about her. I do want her back, it's been over a month since BU now.

 

I do low contact (I never start a contact) but everytime she wants something (for instance to know when I'm home a certain day so she can drop of our son) she always sound pissed of and angry at me. Most of the time I don't care but sometimes I get low. It's so difficult to handle all of this because of my feelings for her.

 

Today she's coming by to pick some stuff up from the house and to drop of our son.

 

I don't know how to behave, what to say, what to respond of she says anything. It's wierd to feel that I have no power or control over my feelings for her.

 

Please help me anyone, I am really standing on the deep end here and I am getting nervous to meet her again. What to do?! I still love her and want her back but I know it's not possible..

 

Dude, you don't know how to behave.... common, don't respond, don't be a doormat, have some dignty and go for NC. She isn't yours anymore.

[ElecTriX]

You said it yourself. `Not possible`

 

Concrete arrangements over your son. Then ignore. Yes no answers to her. Get her stuff out of your house asap. No reminders.

 

Dude, you don't know how to behave.... common, don't respond, don't be a doormat, have some dignty and go for NC. She isn't yours anymore.

 

I have no plan to be a doormat and I intend to keep my dingity that I have built up during these last weeks.

 

Of course I am insecure regarding how to behave, a part of me wants to talk to her about, like, regular stuff (be friendly), another part of me says "f#ck no DONT do that!" and then there is a third part that just want to avoid her and be really short.

 

I was more thinking of not making a big deal of it. Try to move aside my feelings for her while she is there and just be myself, happy and funny. It would be easier for our son to see how we interact but also it would be somewhat of a mindtrick on her ("so he cried for days after me and now he is happy?!"). But the primary reason is for my son.

Edited January 13, 2014 by ElecTriX

[David87]

Support your son, be there for him not for her.

[ElecTriX]

Support your son, be there for him not for her.

 

I will always be there for my son. I didn't mention him as taking care of my son is and always will be my number #1 priority. These problems I mention in this thread is #2 (but I'm working it down to number #removed-from-list).

[Survivor12]

Can anybody answer this? Many of my friends has said that she only does this to hurt me and make me feel bad, while some say that she does it because shes used to talking to me about stuff (habit).

 

Would like some more opinions because Im certain that she will continue with this for a while..

 

It's an ego boost for her to know that she still has you on a string while she's out doing what she (selfishly) wants. She immature and self-centered and hasn't yet learned what being in a relationship even means. Hell, she doesn't even know what love is--to her, it's all about her feeling good. All about HER. She has no concept of devotion or empathy.

 

The best thing you can do is to focus on your son and moving on from her. Be aware, though, that when you do pull away, she's going to do whatever she can to keep you connected--but it's important for you to know that it won't be about her feelings for you as much as about protecting (you guessed it!) her own ego!

 

Save yourself from the prolonged pain and make the decision YOURSELF that it is over.

[ElecTriX]

It's an ego boost for her to know that she still has you on a string while she's out doing what she (selfishly) wants. She immature and self-centered and hasn't yet learned what being in a relationship even means. Hell, she doesn't even know what love is--to her, it's all about her feeling good. All about HER. She has no concept of devotion or empathy.

 

The best thing you can do is to focus on your son and moving on from her. Be aware, though, that when you do pull away, she's going to do whatever she can to keep you connected--but it's important for you to know that it won't be about her feelings for you as much as about protecting (you guessed it!) her own ego!

 

Save yourself from the prolonged pain and make the decision YOURSELF that it is over.

 

Many good words here, thank you! ^^

 

And yes, I do focus on myself and my son only but the problem I was facing today was that my ex is breaking NC because she needs to get some stuff from the house and to drop of our son.

 

You are totaly right regarding that she's immature, everybody I have talked to have stated this over and over and over again and NOW I have realised it also. My love for her (while in the RS) must have blinded me or something..

 

But yes, I know that it won't be me and her again. She closed that chapter of my life and I intend to move on. I still love her and probably always will but just as she told me, not IN love with her. She will always have special place in my heart and I have no problem of having her there as long as it won't be a problem for me to move forward.

 

It feels like stuff just got a little clearer right now.

[Fufu]

I feel for you. You seem like a really nice guy.

 

All I can say is don't put her high up on the pedestal. She doesn't deserve it.

[ElecTriX]

I feel for you. You seem like a really nice guy.

 

All I can say is don't put her high up on the pedestal. She doesn't deserve it.

 

Thank you, I think I am. Most people usually tells me I am but of course everything that has happened has med me unsure. But I am still climbing on this mountain of "move along".

 

I know, I am really REALLY trying the best I can. She was here in the house an hour ago to drop our son of and to get some things.

 

I had made dinner for me and my son, too much even. I felt that I could be the bigger man and that holding a grudge is unnecessary so I asked if she wanted som food too which she did so we had a really pleasent 10 minute dinner together just as we used to.

 

Don't missunderstand me, I did it only to be kind and not that I am trying to get her back. A nice gesture, thats all.

 

I was happy and funny, just like my old self. She tried to throw some breadcrumbs but I dodged them by just agreeing and laughing but not show any perticular interest.

 

I will still do NC except when it comes to my son. I wonder how she will react to me behaving happy and kind when she drops of our son and do NC when it comes to text and calls. Hmm. Might be interesting.

[goldfighter3]

You can get through this man.

I've switched my alarm tone to this:

 

I listen to it when I'm feeling weak.

 

My councellor also gave me a breathing exercise cd. I'll post it to the threads when I get back. Helps deal with anxiety, loss, stress, etc

[ElecTriX]

Well an update. It's not going so great for me coping with everything right now.

 

It's been over a month and right now I feel like I'm back on day 1 again. I started a thread in "Coping"-section as it fits better with my current situtation (I think).

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/455350-i-can-t-take-anymore

[flight E]

Man up man. No one says it's eazy. We have all been in love. Dinner? You serious? You are not cutting across as nice. You are cutting across as needy. I am not trying to insult you but I am also a nice guy or at least I was, and I know how women talk advantage of these types. Pls cut the bitch loose. It's not the BU that pains me people BU. It's the fact that she is disrespecting you. You don't act nice to people who do this to you. You cut them loose. I have also been through such love and pains but I decided that it was over. That's when I started healing. Do likewise