Behavior After You Decide To Divorce

[george roy]

Hi all,

 

The other day, STBXW and I finally sat down, and after presenting our options, STBXW chose divorce.

 

We'd worked out a few details:

 

- She wants to split the kids 50/50. Possibly split weeks, and EOW

 

- I would stay in the house

 

- Keep the same family phone plan. And she would pay her portion of that.

(I figure we'll need to be discussing the kids anyway, so as long as she's paying it...)

 

- Summer camp and other types of activities, split the cost. Same with kids health insurance and group memberships, split the cost

 

- Split the cost of auto insurance (keeping the same joint policy)

 

- No new people are introduced to the kids, or come to the house

 

- As long as she continues to live there, she will continue to contribute XXX dollars every week (to pay bills and the like)

 

- One of us to move to the guest room for now

 

- She is looking for an apartment. She's looked at only one so far.

 

- Wait to tell the kids until she's ready to move out (??)

 

We basically talked about what we need to do to move forward with the divorce. And it seemed amicable. Mellow.

 

And then yesterday morning got... weird.

 

She seemed... chatty. Like things were normal.

 

And a few things that made me scratch my head a little. Things like:

 

- She'd made the kids breakfast. She offered to make me breakfast (hasn't done that in quite a while). I politely declined, I'd made myself breakfast earlier.

 

- I made a grocery list yesterday morning. She asked when I'm going to the store. I tell her I'm not sure, maybe this evening.

About a half an hour later, she is going to the store. And she will take my list and fill it (unusual). And she did. Perfectly. Right down to the brand names (another rarity for her).

 

- This weekend, her father and stepmother took (as usual) one of the kids overnight. Usually she tells me where and when. Yesterday she asks if her or I want to meet him at such-and-such a place (not the first time there) to pick up that child. I told her she could go.

I had no desire to talk to her father, only in that he'd possibly ask questions (and I didn't want to deal with any of that today).

 

- She made homemade pizza for dinner (she's made dinner on Sundays, but never asks if I'm eating, especially lately. She just leaves it on the stove for me to take or not).

Last night she asks if I'm eating.

 

"Sure."

I cut all the slices myself, and doled them out to the kids.

"Pizza's pretty good, Lynn"

"Thanks"

 

AND she's already prepped today's dinner. In the oven for 30 minutes at 375 degrees.

 

?????????????????????????????????

 

All of the above would have easily happened six months or a year ago.

 

I don't know. Yesterday just seemed weird. Like everything was 'normal'.

 

Any one thing yesterday wouldn't have raised an eyebrow.

But all of the above ??

 

I'm not looking at yesterday in any way other than it just being... odd.

 

Part of me is thinking she's trying to keep her foot in the door.

 

I'm curious, is this typical behavior for a spouse ?

 

Do things go (on some level) 'back to normal' once a path is chosen ?

 

Input and suggestions are appreciated.

[stillafool]

Maybe she just feels more relaxed with you because the two of you have reached an agreement in an amicable way. I think this is the way the two of you should be acting, don't you?

[george roy]

Maybe she just feels more relaxed with you because the two of you have reached an agreement in an amicable way. I think this is the way the two of you should be acting, don't you?

 

I get that.

 

And on some level, we have to get along under the same roof for now.

 

Everything just seemed OVERLY friendly yesterday.

 

Kind of like the way things used to be. Like everything was fine.

It was like being in the past for a while.

 

"Weird" is the only word I can think of at the moment.

[cozycottagelg]

maybe now that you have agreed to some things, and it's clear that divorce is where you are headed, she can relax and do these things.

 

Maybe before, she wanted to keep you at arms reach and seem "cold" so as not to lead you on. Now that you are both on the same page, she has eased up a bit?

[carhill]

Scary version (BTDT):

 

There's an agenda

 

She's already involved with someone else

 

 

IMO, relevant to the title, behavior after one decides to divorce, even if amicably, should be straightforward and business-like. If the spouses loved each other and were compatible, reconciliation would be happening. Absolutely get along as co-parents, focusing on the kids, but acting like one's still married (former positive behaviors) will IMO result in a rude awakening for one or both of the parties at some point, not to mention be confusing for the kids.

 

I like your idea of 'getting along under one roof'. I think that's healthy. Get two roofs ASAP. Good luck.

[cozycottagelg]

Scary version (BTDT):

 

There's an agenda

 

She's already involved with someone else

 

 

IMO, relevant to the title, behavior after one decides to divorce, even if amicably, should be straightforward and business-like. If the spouses loved each other and were compatible, reconciliation would be happening. Absolutely get along as co-parents, focusing on the kids, but acting like one's still married (former positive behaviors) will IMO result in a rude awakening for one or both of the parties at some point.

 

I like your idea of 'getting along under one roof'. I think that's healthy. Get two roofs ASAP. Good luck.

 

I had not thought of that...very good point.

[george roy]

maybe now that you have agreed to some things, and it's clear that divorce is where you are headed, she can relax and do these things.

 

Maybe before, she wanted to keep you at arms reach and seem "cold" so as not to lead you on. Now that you are both on the same page, she has eased up a bit?

 

Sure, I can buy into that.

 

It just seemed OVERLY polite yesterday. And even this morning, there were a few text messages I had to look at again. Nothing lovey-dovey or anything, just the kind of texts that would have happened a year ago or so ago.

 

Chit-chatty. Sociable. Like it used to be.

 

And I'm ok with 'getting along'. For the kids (and in the same house for now), we sort of HAVE to.

 

But let's not get carried away with it, either.

 

Weird.

 

Eh, yesterday could have just been... yesterday.

 

I've still got my guard up, though.

[george roy]

Scary version (BTDT):

 

There's an agenda

 

She's already involved with someone else

 

 

IMO, relevant to the title, behavior after one decides to divorce, even if amicably, should be straightforward and business-like. If the spouses loved each other and were compatible, reconciliation would be happening. Absolutely get along as co-parents, focusing on the kids, but acting like one's still married (former positive behaviors) will IMO result in a rude awakening for one or both of the parties at some point, not to mention be confusing for the kids.

 

I like your idea of 'getting along under one roof'. I think that's healthy. Get two roofs ASAP. Good luck.

 

If possible, I'd appreciate hearing some of your BTDT story, carhill. Private message or in the thread.

 

It might help put some things in perspective on my end.

 

I've been (or tried to be) cordial. I can tolerate her for the kids. And I think she's of the same opinion.

But she needs to understand that we're not buddy-buddy, either.

 

I agree completely on the business-like approach.

 

Her big thing as of Friday was, by not signing the divorce papers, that she would give away any rights to anything, and I would get whatever I ask the court for. So she held off on signing it.

Eventually I was able to explain to her that it doesn't mean that. It only means that I can ask for whatever I want, and she would get a list of what I wanted.

 

So that probably alleviated a lot of the stress.

 

If we can agree on a plan, then we both sign off on it, and it's a done deal.

 

If we can't agree, we litigate.

 

So we're trying to figure this out without getting the kids into the court system. I (we) don't need a judge putting a rubber stamp on things and dictating who and what and where.

 

As far as two roofs, she's looked at one place about a week or so ago, but that seems to have stalled. So I'm going to do some legwork and pick up some rental applications. Maybe an Apartments.Com booklet.

 

But then she wants to continue to share the auto insurance. And the phone plan.

 

She volunteered to keep me as the beneficiary on her life insurance. But I think she may HAVE to keep me on it (because of the kids). I have to look into that a little more.

 

Almost seems like she's stalling, but who knows at this point.

 

Any advice, input and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

[bubbaganoosh]

IDK. It maybe weird but it sure beats having to hide the knives and sharp objects in the house and lock you bedroom door. Or screaming, and calling each other names with the kids in the other room.

 

I hope it can stay that way. Not only does it make it easier for you and her but also for the kids.

[carhill]

Not complicated, on the BTDT.

 

1. Friendliness lubricated a more favorable work schedule getting her (in the divorce) house finished and ready for occupancy. That's the social hack.

 

2. Shortly thereafter, once she got the keys to 'our' house back (the friendliness ended at that point) my best friend's wife reported (her words) 'there are some new boots parked at her door'. Those boots remain to this day AFAIK.

 

Cha-ching. Social hacks for the win. It works.

[RightThere]

 

I'm curious, is this typical behavior for a spouse ?

 

Do things go (on some level) 'back to normal' once a path is chosen ?

 

Yeah. My STBXW would do similar odd things while we were still under the same roof.

 

I chalked it up to a couple of things.

 

1) She wanted to remain friends. After all the crappy things she did to me, she had this vision in her head that we'd get together once a month for a drink and talk about the kids like the parents did in that Julia Roberts movie "Stepmom". I told her flat out a few times there was no way I was going to be her friend. Another case of wanting to have her cake and eat it too.

 

2) I personally think it's a continued behavior of them acting normal while they are still carrying on an affair or planning an exit as in before d-day. They don't really grasp what is going on or about to happen.

[george roy]

IDK. It maybe weird but it sure beats having to hide the knives and sharp objects in the house and lock you bedroom door. Or screaming, and calling each other names with the kids in the other room.

 

I hope it can stay that way. Not only does it make it easier for you and her but also for the kids.

 

Yeah. Smoother the better on that front.

 

She wants one of us to move into the spare room, which will help.

 

Fine by me. But not for long.

 

Me: "So do you want to get a futon or something ?"

STBXW: "Me in the spare room ?"

 

Uhh... yeah.

 

And she wants to wait until she's ready to move out to tell the kids (???).

 

Umm... They're gonna figure it out when she moves to the other room.

[george roy]

Yeah. My STBXW would do similar odd things while we were still under the same roof.

 

I chalked it up to a couple of things.

 

1) She wanted to remain friends. After all the crappy things she did to me, she had this vision in her head that we'd get together once a month for a drink and talk about the kids like the parents did in that Julia Roberts movie "Stepmom". I told her flat out a few times there was no way I was going to be her friend. Another case of wanting to have her cake and eat it too.

 

2) I personally think it's a continued behavior of them acting normal while they are still carrying on an affair or planning an exit as in before d-day. They don't really grasp what is going on or about to happen.

 

Yeah, I don't see us hanging out anytime soon. I hope she doesn't have that perception. If so, she needs to understand, it ain't happening.

 

I think you're right. She may be kind of wishy-washy at the moment. But she may not have a complete grasp of what's going on, either.

[george roy]

Not complicated, on the BTDT.

 

1. Friendliness lubricated a more favorable work schedule getting her (in the divorce) house finished and ready for occupancy. That's the social hack.

 

2. Shortly thereafter, once she got the keys to 'our' house back (the friendliness ended at that point) my best friend's wife reported (her words) 'there are some new boots parked at her door'. Those boots remain to this day AFAIK.

 

Cha-ching. Social hacks for the win. It works.

 

She's looked at one place at about the halfway point between her work and her father's.

 

I'm guessing her dad will be doing more than he thinks he signed up for.

 

And I expect Mr. Wonderful will have a spot there, too.

 

We agreed that 'no new people' would be introduced to the kids.

 

It will be interesting to see how that plays out.

[carhill]

I think if you remain business-like and focused on the children, you'll do fine. Is this 'in house separation' getting legal help? Considering all the factors, I hope it is, mainly because there are children involved and things may get a bit sticky moving forward. Remember, everything isn't always as it seems and can change at a moment's notice.

[RightThere]

We agreed that 'no new people' would be introduced to the kids.

 

It will be interesting to see how that plays out.

 

Don't bank on it. My STBXW said she didn't want to move our daughter in too quickly with her new man. That lasted about a week before she dragged our daughter over there. Then she promised she wanted help finding a place of her own to give her and our daughter their own place with some space. There has been nothing on that front.

 

People will make all kinds of promises at this stage. But a lot of these types of things (like not introducing new people) are totally unenforceable.

[george roy]

I think if you remain business-like and focused on the children, you'll do fine. Is this 'in house separation' getting legal help? Considering all the factors, I hope it is, mainly because there are children involved and things may get a bit sticky moving forward. Remember, everything isn't always as it seems and can change at a moment's notice.

 

Yeah. Business-like is how it needs to be.

 

Not sure what you're asking as far as legal help in regards to the 'in house separation'.

 

I already have MY attorney retained.

Ideally, we're trying to come up with our own agreement. And after a lot of drama, she is willing to let my lawyer review whatever we come up with. Even as my attorney stated, the more we can figure out between ourselves, the better in the long run. Not only regarding the kids, but financially as well.

 

I've also explained to her that if it doesn't pass the smell test for her, then she's not obligated to sign anything.

 

But she also understands that he is MY attorney, and not hers.

 

Right now things seem to be 'mellow'. But you're right. Things have the possibility to change very quickly.

 

I have a call into the attorney about where things went this weekend. I will ask him about the 'in house separation'.

 

Any input, suggestions, and advice are always appreciated.

[george roy]

Don't bank on it. My STBXW said she didn't want to move our daughter in too quickly with her new man. That lasted about a week before she dragged our daughter over there. Then she promised she wanted help finding a place of her own to give her and our daughter their own place with some space. There has been nothing on that front.

 

People will make all kinds of promises at this stage. But a lot of these types of things (like not introducing new people) are totally unenforceable.

 

Oh, I completely understand that STBXW could very well do that.

 

Right now, since I've retained an attorney, she seems willing to work toward a solution that won't require litigation. Or the courts rubber-stamping my children's future.

 

So at this point, if she's willing to stick to that 'no new people' deal (and the other stuff), then we try and can come to an agreement that works for both of us.

 

If she decides to renig on that deal, or if I get even a hint of a double-cross, then I get down in the mud. And then any possibility of peaceful negotiations stop.

 

THEN she'll need to shell out the retainer for an attorney.

 

"Speak softly and carry a big stick"

 

I'm willing to speak softly for now.

[carhill]

Tip: Save the attorney for important things and, if gathering questions, collate and present them in an efficient manner. This saves money.

 

If you're not doing a legal separation but rather a straight divorce, and have retained an attorney, I'd presume your initial filing and service will occur this week. No matter who is served, when the sheriff shows up at the door, things change. Maybe you'll/she'll get a process server. I personally enjoyed the guy with the gun more. We had a good chat.

 

Anyway, IMO, anything not having custody or financial implications is 'stuff' to manage on your own, like 'friendliness'. Good luck.

[george roy]

Tip: Save the attorney for important things and, if gathering questions, collate and present them in an efficient manner. This saves money.

 

If you're not doing a legal separation but rather a straight divorce, and have retained an attorney, I'd presume your initial filing and service will occur this week. No matter who is served, when the sheriff shows up at the door, things change. Maybe you'll/she'll get a process server. I personally enjoyed the guy with the gun more. We had a good chat.

 

Anyway, IMO, anything not having custody or financial implications is 'stuff' to manage on your own, like 'friendliness'. Good luck.

 

Thanks, carhill.

 

Looks like we're doing a straight divorce.

 

STBXW didn't suggest legal separation, even when I laid out the options regarding serving/signing the divorce papers.

 

I have a short list of questions for the attorney, pretty much a 'where do we go from here' kind of list.

 

And I find that dealing with the paralegal is easier than trying to chase down the attorney (who's usually in court).

 

So I've sent the paralegal an email that outlines some of what was discussed with STBXW this past weekend. She may be able to answer some of the questions, or may have to forward it to the attorney.

 

I'll let you know what comes back.

[george roy]

So the paralegal got back to me today.

 

She is sending over a very rudimentary form, outlining where things need to go from here.

 

House value, retirement accounts, bank accounts, etc.

 

Nothing on it is set in stone (yet), but it at least gives us an idea of what's expected, and a starting point.

[george roy]

But the funny part today (and more on topic) ?

 

STBXW used to tell me it was none of my business whenever I'd ask where she was, or where she was going.

 

I have an appointment this Friday. A divorce support group.

It's my first time going. I don't know what to expect.

But I think it will be helpful.

 

I had to talk to STBXW about an unrelated issue.

 

And I ask STBXW (while I'm thinking of it) if she will be home Friday evening (she usually is).

 

STBXW: "Yeah. Why ?"

Me: "I have someplace to be."

STBXW: "Where ?"

 

("None of your f***in' business" was what I wanted to say. But I took the high road).

 

Me: "I have someplace to be."

STBXW: "Ok."

 

A little more conversation about the unrelated issue, and then she asks:

 

STBXW: "Are you meeting with the lawyer ?"

Me: "No."

STBXW: "Oh. Ok."

 

We're getting a divorce, why the f*** do you care where I'm going ?

 

Unbelievable.

[aMguilts]

hi

you are playing games with the why this and why that

 

drop it

 

she doesn`t care where your going

should she????

 

 

aM

Edited January 6, 2014 by aMguilts

[aMguilts]

The worst thing you can do now is think of this as some sort of `game`

think as 1, i.e .....YOU

 

 

you wanna play mind games with her? at least learn the script

 

 

concentrate on you, not her

 

 

aM

[george roy]

hi

you are playing games with the why this and why that

 

drop it

 

she doesn`t care where your going

should she????

 

 

aM

 

That's my point.

 

She shouldn't care where I'm going.

 

Why even bother asking ?