Behavior After You Decide To Divorce

[aMguilts]

hello?

 

 

 

 

she STILL cares!!!!

 

 

she just doesn`t wANT to be married to you any more

aM

[aMguilts]

see what I`m saying??

aM

[RightThere]

she STILL cares!!!!

 

No, she doesn't care. She's being a pain. They are getting divorced so he has no obligation to let her know such things.

 

she just doesn`t wANT to be married to you any more

 

What she wants is to be able to do as she pleases, but no one else is allowed to do that.

 

Don't fall for her tricks. She can't believe that you aren't sitting at home pining for her while she's allowed to go out and liver her life. My STBXW does the same thing.

 

And congrats on finding a divorce support group. I tried to track some down but they were either 100% focused on using religion to heal, or they were very far away.

 

I would say you're handling it with your STBXW in exactly the right way.

 

"Where are you going?" - "Out"

[george roy]

No, she doesn't care. She's being a pain. They are getting divorced so he has no obligation to let her know such things.

 

What she wants is to be able to do as she pleases, but no one else is allowed to do that.

 

Don't fall for her tricks. She can't believe that you aren't sitting at home pining for her while she's allowed to go out and liver her life. My STBXW does the same thing.

 

And congrats on finding a divorce support group. I tried to track some down but they were either 100% focused on using religion to heal, or they were very far away.

 

I would say you're handling it with your STBXW in exactly the right way.

 

"Where are you going?" - "Out"

 

Exactly.

 

I put the options out there the other day when we spoke. Try and work on reconciliation (via more therapy), a divorce, a separation, etc.

 

She chose a divorce (although her reasoning still sort of blamed me, "because I filed").

 

She chose the direction.

 

It is what it is.

 

So why does she now need to know where I'm going or what I'm doing ?

 

She doesn't.

 

[george roy]

Weird morning.

 

Last night, I'm adding songs to my iPod, and I couldn't find any ear buds. So I grabbed my daughter's My Pretty Pony headphones and started downloading.

STBXW came into the kitchen, looked at me, and chuckled a little (I smiled a little too, it was kind of funny).

 

Anyway, this morning she texts me and asks if I'm doing anything with the kids after school today.

 

Me: "Not sure yet. A couple of things I have to do here".

STBXW: "You know, last night seeing you in (daughter's) headphones was nice".

 

????????????????

 

Me: "I can't find any of my earbuds. I grabbed what I could"

STBXW: "(Smiley Face)"

 

 

You know, I can put up a good front for the kid's sake.

 

But this other crap (like above) has got to stop. C'mon, what was the point of that, anyway ?

 

Just... Weird.

[RonaldS]

Sorry, in a hurry and didn't have time to read all responses.

 

I would separate all expenses, ESPECIALLY auto-insurance. Not sure what state you're in or what type of insurance laws there are, but the last thing you need is to divorce your wife, have her out driving around under a joint policy, do something stupid and be at fault for a bad accident, and have the other party see a home owner on the policy. If there is insufficient coverage, or your insurance company tries (rightly or wrongly) to deny coverages, the other party or their insurance company WILL come after you.

 

I would make that change TODAY.

[RightThere]

But this other crap (like above) has got to stop. C'mon, what was the point of that, anyway ?

 

She's trying to keep you on the line. A backup plan. As long as you realize what it is, just let her do whatever it is she does and ignore it.

[aliveagain]

The reality George, and this is something she will need to understand, your not going to be friends after you divorce. You can both be great parents, but your going to be in different homes. A time will come when you both have new partners living with you, a step father and a step mother to your child. They will have parenting rolls in her life. Your stbxw has to accept the fact that when she loose's you another woman will very likely be in your life helping you raise your daughter 50% of the time. This is fact and it will happen, you are not going to be alone the rest of your life.

 

Your stbxw seems to have this fictional image of what the future with you and other man will look like. You and she are best friends, she tells you over coffee every morning about all the cute things O/M did for her the previous day. You are happy for her and you both giggle hysterically as your daughter plays nearby with a new toy O/M bought for her. She asks you if you will babysit this weekend because O/M is taking her skiing, you giggle some more and clap your hands uncontrollably and ask her what she intends to wear. This is what she is thinking, soul mate fog thinking. You need to make it real clear that you will co-parent but that's it, end of story.

[george roy]

Sorry, in a hurry and didn't have time to read all responses.

 

I would separate all expenses, ESPECIALLY auto-insurance. Not sure what state you're in or what type of insurance laws there are, but the last thing you need is to divorce your wife, have her out driving around under a joint policy, do something stupid and be at fault for a bad accident, and have the other party see a home owner on the policy. If there is insufficient coverage, or your insurance company tries (rightly or wrongly) to deny coverages, the other party or their insurance company WILL come after you.

 

I would make that change TODAY.

 

I ran into a situation today.

 

But it is one of the first things on tomorrow's agenda.

[george roy]

She's trying to keep you on the line. A backup plan. As long as you realize what it is, just let her do whatever it is she does and ignore it.

 

Yeah. That's what I figured, too.

 

If this type of crap keeps up, I may have to point out to her that I have no interest in dealing with her, other than any issues regarding the children.

 

Mr. Wonderful is probably a deer in the headlights, now that she's gonna be hanging around with him a little more. Good for him, he can have her.

 

Friday is when I check out the divorce support group. I have no idea what to expect there. With my luck I'll run into someone I know.

Hey, if it's a mutual female friend, then I'm playing the 'poor George' card and going for the Florence Nightingale effect.

 

But I think, for me right now, it's a step in the right direction. If anything, it might put my story in better perspective.

 

And STBXW has no business knowing where I'm going. We're getting a divorce, for feck's sake.

 

And she'll probably either ask again, and/or try to sabotage the evening for me ("I have to work late").

 

Luckily, I have a backup plan (and a relative) in place for that.

 

Friday should be interesting.

[george roy]

The reality George, and this is something she will need to understand, your not going to be friends after you divorce. You can both be great parents, but your going to be in different homes. A time will come when you both have new partners living with you, a step father and a step mother to your child. They will have parenting rolls in her life. Your stbxw has to accept the fact that when she loose's you another woman will very likely be in your life helping you raise your daughter 50% of the time. This is fact and it will happen, you are not going to be alone the rest of your life.

 

Your stbxw seems to have this fictional image of what the future with you and other man will look like. You and she are best friends, she tells you over coffee every morning about all the cute things O/M did for her the previous day. You are happy for her and you both giggle hysterically as your daughter plays nearby with a new toy O/M bought for her. She asks you if you will babysit this weekend because O/M is taking her skiing, you giggle some more and clap your hands uncontrollably and ask her what she intends to wear. This is what she is thinking, soul mate fog thinking. You need to make it real clear that you will co-parent but that's it, end of story.

 

Aliveagain,

 

I think you hit the nail on the head.

 

I believe that she honestly thinks that this divorce will be like it's portrayed in the movies.

 

Meeting for drinks ? Hanging out, talking about the 'old days' ? Feck that !!!!

 

If and when the opportunity presents itself, I will politely clarify that we're not gonna be "buddy-buddy". The only, ONLY reason we're dealing with each other right now is that my love for my children is much stronger than my contempt for her.

 

And as much as I know, or like to think, that I won't be alone forever, it's nice to hear someone else say it. I appreciate the kind words, aliveagain.

 

STBXW and I have been trying to work an agreement out between ourselves. She wants 50/50 split custody (which I'm not opposed to right now), but she's done nothing toward that goal yet. Still hanging out with either friends or Mr. Wonderful, when there have been PLENTY of opportunities to spend quality time with one or all of the kids.

 

I'll mention here that I don't care that's she's hanging with Mr. Wonderful. It is what it is. But my children see their mother about 6-7 hours a week right now. And that sucks. For them.

 

Hell, right now I'm glad she's not home very much. Gives me more time to be Superdad.

 

But I'll be damned if 50/50 (to her) means dropping them off at her father's, or a mutual friend's house to go out and do whatever. Now, getting in a jam and having to work or something is one thing. But 50/50 means co-parenting, not, "Oh, I have to go to (hang out) and it's my day/week with the kids. I'll take them to Grandpa's house".

 

How long you think Grandpa will put up with that ??

 

I already see that being a problem.

 

We may end up in litigation after all.

[RonaldS]

George, my XW thought the same thing. Thought we would be all buddy-buddy and be besties and I would just keep bending over backward for her like I did while we were married. She thought she could continue to have a free relationship where she had all of these great benefits and support without having to do anything for it.

 

Nope.

 

I froze her out. I told a few months before we finalized that if she wanted to talk to me, text or email unless there was an emergency. That royally pissed her off, but so what? So many women live in total la-la land. Clueless.

 

It drives my XW nuts that I don't talk to her. Oh well. She's not a friend to me, and for a lot of our relationship she wasn't a friend to me. Am I icing her out to be petulant or a pain? No. I just don't have anything to say to her. Time for her to move on with her life. She has been seriously dating a guy for a year and a half, but she still wants us to go to couples counseling so that we can be friends and have 'a lifelong relationship'.

 

Lifelong relationship? Haha, GTFO! We are partners in raising kids and that's it.

[amaysngrace]

I was nice as pie to my stbxh once I saw a lawyer and knew it was finally going to happen.

 

She's probably only being nice to you so she can get something from you. She doesn't like you enough to stay married to you so try to keep that in mind.

[aliveagain]

Aliveagain,

 

I think you hit the nail on the head.

 

I believe that she honestly thinks that this divorce will be like it's portrayed in the movies.

 

Meeting for drinks ? Hanging out, talking about the 'old days' ? Feck that !!!!

 

If and when the opportunity presents itself, I will politely clarify that we're not gonna be "buddy-buddy". The only, ONLY reason we're dealing with each other right now is that my love for my children is much stronger than my contempt for her.

 

And as much as I know, or like to think, that I won't be alone forever, it's nice to hear someone else say it. I appreciate the kind words, aliveagain.

 

STBXW and I have been trying to work an agreement out between ourselves. She wants 50/50 split custody (which I'm not opposed to right now), but she's done nothing toward that goal yet. Still hanging out with either friends or Mr. Wonderful, when there have been PLENTY of opportunities to spend quality time with one or all of the kids.

 

I'll mention here that I don't care that's she's hanging with Mr. Wonderful. It is what it is. But my children see their mother about 6-7 hours a week right now. And that sucks. For them.

 

Hell, right now I'm glad she's not home very much. Gives me more time to be Superdad.

 

But I'll be damned if 50/50 (to her) means dropping them off at her father's, or a mutual friend's house to go out and do whatever. Now, getting in a jam and having to work or something is one thing. But 50/50 means co-parenting, not, "Oh, I have to go to (hang out) and it's my day/week with the kids. I'll take them to Grandpa's house".

 

How long you think Grandpa will put up with that ??

 

I already see that being a problem.

 

We may end up in litigation after all.

 

They say, make the the marriage a desirable place to be and the affair a very difficult place to be. Cut off any financial help to her, don't finance her affair, make her pay her half on everything. Don't be as available to her, detach, if she's walked from the marriage than treat her that way.

[Trimmer]

Some input on the kids thing...

 

First of all, if she's being nice, I don't see any reason to stuff it back in her face, like to make a big stand and a "thing" about not letting this go any further. If you don't want to be nice, then be neutral, but one of the best things you can do for your kids is not to create a hostile dynamic between the two of you. If you feel like shutting her down, then at most, be neutral and businesslike back to her. No real benefit to getting her to stop by making a big deal out of it.

 

If you didn't have kids, I wouldn't suggest you care either way, but one of the big things you will do in this transition period will be to establish your working dynamic as parents-but-not-spouses. So yes, decide what your boundaries are and enforce them - firmly but kindly. But try to keep things cool for the kids.

 

So we're trying to figure this out without getting the kids into the court system. I (we) don't need a judge putting a rubber stamp on things and dictating who and what and where.

You may well be able to keep your kids literally "out of court", but they are going to become a part of the proceedings; you can't avoid that. In my state anyway, a divorce is pretty easy if you don't have kids, and there's about 3x more paperwork if you do have them.

 

We created an entire property settlement that covered two houses, cars, debt, retirement funds, etc. And since we both agreed to it, we just had to sign it and refer to it in our dissolution petition - we didn't even have to file the actual agreement. With the kids, we also completely agreed regarding schedules, decision making, financial support, medical and insurance expenses, etc. But in that case, our state still requires that we lay out everything in detail, that the financial support meets the requirements of the state mandated worksheet calculations, and is all signed off by the judge at the end.

 

Bottom line: no, you don't want your kids dragged into court, and for the court to be deciding things for you, but you most certainly will need the judge to "rubber stamp" whatever agreement you come up with and detail in your filings.

 

As a matter of fact, for the good of your kid(s), that should be your goal: get everything worked out between you sufficiently well that you can write it all down, and all the judge has to do is to rubber stamp it, and you're done. The court's main concern in this area is that the kids are taken care of, because technically there's no independent entity there advocating for them in the proceedings. (Given that parents often fail to be truly independent in such proceedings.)

 

Anyway, I just wanted to prepare you that keeping the kids totally out of the proceedings is likely impossible, and that the "rubber stamp" result is actually what you would hope for.

[george roy]

George, my XW thought the same thing. Thought we would be all buddy-buddy and be besties and I would just keep bending over backward for her like I did while we were married. She thought she could continue to have a free relationship where she had all of these great benefits and support without having to do anything for it.

 

Nope.

 

I froze her out. I told a few months before we finalized that if she wanted to talk to me, text or email unless there was an emergency. That royally pissed her off, but so what? So many women live in total la-la land. Clueless.

 

It drives my XW nuts that I don't talk to her. Oh well. She's not a friend to me, and for a lot of our relationship she wasn't a friend to me. Am I icing her out to be petulant or a pain? No. I just don't have anything to say to her. Time for her to move on with her life. She has been seriously dating a guy for a year and a half, but she still wants us to go to couples counseling so that we can be friends and have 'a lifelong relationship'.

 

Lifelong relationship? Haha, GTFO! We are partners in raising kids and that's it.

 

The bold is the crux of it.

 

That's pretty much what seems to be going on now.

 

We talked Saturday, and discussed a few things regarding the divorce. House, kids, etc.

And she wants to come to an agreement amicably. She "doesn't want to spend the money to retain an attorney" (read: she doesn't have the money). So we're going to try and figure this out between us. And as I'm typing this, that is as far as things have gone. So I don't think the reality (for her) has really set in yet.

 

Since that Saturday meeting, I have no desire to talk to her (other than any kid related issues).

The buddy-buddy chit needs to stop ASAP.

 

She comes home from work (or wherever), and either does her nails and posts the pics to her Twitter account, or is laying in bed watching TV.

Perfect time to do something with the kids, but I guess fingernail painting is more important.

 

My attorney is sending over a very rough draft of what needs to be done. House value, retirement accounts, etc.

 

I think once that paperwork gets here, things will take a more interesting tone.

 

She'll "get it" then.

[george roy]

I was nice as pie to my stbxh once I saw a lawyer and knew it was finally going to happen.

 

She's probably only being nice to you so she can get something from you. She doesn't like you enough to stay married to you so try to keep that in mind.

 

Ha I thought the same thing.

 

Either that, or she's got some sort of plan to try and soften me up, while making some serious moves behind my back.

 

I'm watching for the possibility of the other shoe dropping.

[george roy]

They say, make the the marriage a desirable place to be and the affair a very difficult place to be. Cut off any financial help to her, don't finance her affair, make her pay her half on everything. Don't be as available to her, detach, if she's walked from the marriage than treat her that way.

 

The last time we talked about any of that, I put all the options out there. Attempt reconciliation, separation, divorce, etc.

 

She chose divorce.

 

A bit of odd reasoning behind it, but that's what SHE chose.

 

She chose the direction.

 

Fine.

 

I'm stepping on the gas pedal.

[george roy]

Some input on the kids thing...

 

First of all, if she's being nice, I don't see any reason to stuff it back in her face, like to make a big stand and a "thing" about not letting this go any further. If you don't want to be nice, then be neutral, but one of the best things you can do for your kids is not to create a hostile dynamic between the two of you. If you feel like shutting her down, then at most, be neutral and businesslike back to her. No real benefit to getting her to stop by making a big deal out of it.

 

The over-kindness seems to have tapered off a bit. And that's fine by me.

 

If you didn't have kids, I wouldn't suggest you care either way, but one of the big things you will do in this transition period will be to establish your working dynamic as parents-but-not-spouses. So yes, decide what your boundaries are and enforce them - firmly but kindly. But try to keep things cool for the kids.

 

Yeah. We seem to be able to do this so far.

 

You may well be able to keep your kids literally "out of court", but they are going to become a part of the proceedings; you can't avoid that. In my state anyway, a divorce is pretty easy if you don't have kids, and there's about 3x more paperwork if you do have them.

 

And that's the end goal right now. Keeping them out of court.

 

I completely understand that they are part of the proceedings. but the less they have to endure by any outside interference, the better.

 

And STBXW and I agree on that.

 

We created an entire property settlement that covered two houses, cars, debt, retirement funds, etc. And since we both agreed to it, we just had to sign it and refer to it in our dissolution petition - we didn't even have to file the actual agreement. With the kids, we also completely agreed regarding schedules, decision making, financial support, medical and insurance expenses, etc. But in that case, our state still requires that we lay out everything in detail, that the financial support meets the requirements of the state mandated worksheet calculations, and is all signed off by the judge at the end.

 

I'm waiting for this 'bare bones' agreement that my attorney is sending over. It will give us a better idea of what's expected of each of us.

 

Bottom line: no, you don't want your kids dragged into court, and for the court to be deciding things for you, but you most certainly will need the judge to "rubber stamp" whatever agreement you come up with and detail in your filings.

 

My comment in regards to the 'rubber stamp' was more about IF we went to court to litigate.

 

Those judges have probably seem thousands of cases, and with the kids having a couple of health issues, I don't need a judge giving me (us) the standard boilerplate custody.

 

As a matter of fact, for the good of your kid(s), that should be your goal: get everything worked out between you sufficiently well that you can write it all down, and all the judge has to do is to rubber stamp it, and you're done. The court's main concern in this area is that the kids are taken care of, because technically there's no independent entity there advocating for them in the proceedings. (Given that parents often fail to be truly independent in such proceedings.)

 

In that aspect of the 'rubber stamp', I completely agree. The less a judge has to decide him/herself, the better.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to prepare you that keeping the kids totally out of the proceedings is likely impossible, and that the "rubber stamp" result is actually what you would hope for.

 

The ideal plan is to give him something that he essentially only has to glean over to make sure the I's are dotted, the T's are crossed, and the appropriate boxes are checked.

 

Thunk. Stamped.

 

That's the end goal.

[george roy]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnddd the paperwork arrived today.

 

It's all the financial stuff. The attorney needs this to work up an agreement.

 

So STBXW got home a few minutes ago. And went into the bedroom.

 

I waited a few minutes, walked into the room, and handed her the forms as I said, "The paperwork came today". Then I went out in the living room.

 

STBXW got up from the bed, walked over and shut the bedroom door. Hard.

 

Now I'm waiting for the kids to get off the bus as I'm typing this.

 

Reality is starting to sink in for her now.

[carhill]

Ha, life lesson #159040b = there are no criminal or civil sanctions for your stbxw being mad at you, and expressing it verbally or beating the house up, every single minute of every single day.

 

For some humor, if you're so inclined, watch an old movie with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner entitled 'War of the Roses'

 

Both this thread and your other one are addressed in it. The scene where Danny DeVito turns down Kathleen Turner for sex is priceless. I still laugh at that movie even though I'm divorced. My exW hated it, even when our M was good. Different strokes!

 

Myself, I couldn't torture someone mentally so I just absorbed whatever anger my exW had and soldiered on. Male friends, though, man I've seen them in action. They can make a woman into a rabid, foaming dog. I just don't have that in me.

 

Develop a sense of humor about things and take each day as it comes. It'll work out.

[Trimmer]

The ideal plan is to give him something that he essentially only has to glean over to make sure the I's are dotted, the T's are crossed, and the appropriate boxes are checked.

 

Thunk. Stamped.

 

That's the end goal.

Yeah, that's how it worked for us. I used an attorney for probably a couple hours over the whole divorce. I did a lot of research, and did all the paperwork myself, filed documents myself down at the county municipal courthouse, tracked the schedule and deadlines, etc. Each time, just before I did anything official (like filing a document) I had the attorney look over my almost-final draft to screen it for possible errors or omissions and spent a few minutes discussing what would come next.

 

The attorney time cost a few hundred bucks, but when I got in front of the pro se judge (the one who hears stuff that people handle themselves without attorneys representing them) at the end for final approval, he found only one tiny loose-end issue in the whole package, which he filled in for me in the margin of the document, then approved it with a "Thunk" and we were done. I felt like it was worth the attorney time I used.

 

It helped that my ex "joined" the original petition (i.e. signed it as "respondent" before it was filed, essentially agreeing to start the proceedings in advance) so we didn't have to go through any process service, etc.

Edited January 10, 2014 by Trimmer

[george roy]

Ha, life lesson #159040b = there are no criminal or civil sanctions for your stbxw being mad at you, and expressing it verbally or beating the house up, every single minute of every single day.

 

For some humor, if you're so inclined, watch an old movie with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner entitled 'War of the Roses'

 

Both this thread and your other one are addressed in it. The scene where Danny DeVito turns down Kathleen Turner for sex is priceless. I still laugh at that movie even though I'm divorced. My exW hated it, even when our M was good. Different strokes!

 

Myself, I couldn't torture someone mentally so I just absorbed whatever anger my exW had and soldiered on. Male friends, though, man I've seen them in action. They can make a woman into a rabid, foaming dog. I just don't have that in me.

 

Develop a sense of humor about things and take each day as it comes. It'll work out.

 

No, no sort of penalties for 'being angry' over stuff like that. Other than one's own conscience, that is.

 

Never saw that movie in full. Always seemed to catch bits and pieces of it whenever it was on TV. I'll have to try and catch it.

 

Nah, I can't intentionally mentally torture someone. And I'm kind of the same way. I try to absorb (great word for it) the anger she puts out.

Although I do get a bit of amusement when things like that happen.

 

Reminds me of Laurel and Hardy... "Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten me into."

 

Why be pissed off at me ? Don't forget what got us here, lady.

 

A sense of humor is definitely required.

 

Do you know how many more jokes I 'get' now that I'm getting a divorce ?

[george roy]

Unbelievable.

 

STBXW wants 50/50, but can't be bothered to go to our daughter's dance recital.

 

Instead, she chooses to go see Mr. Wonderful.

 

Apparently the new man takes precedent over her daughter.

 

Unbelievable.

[carhill]

The person who cares the least has the most power and control.

 

Your exercise, should you choose to accept it, is to care less but still respect the place your daughter has in your heart and life. I don't envy you in that task. Other than death, this is likely the most traumatic thing you'll go through in life. Nobody wins. There's only levels of losing. IMO, if you can mitigate those for your daughter and yourself, I'd consider that a win, if a hollow one.