Amina Abou Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) I have finally realized how my future ex husband and his family see me. They see me as a replaceable wife. His parents said to him that if he comes back to me they will NOT support him. His mom married three times and his dad is divorced. It is very easy for them to make divorce as the solution. His mom gave me her divorced ring as a gift when I got married with her son. I truly don't know why I accepted a ring from a divorced woman. They changed him completely from the last Christmas trip he had with them in 2013. Now he tells me no matter what I do he will make sure the divorce will go through. He lied when he said the marriage vows that he will be with me in happiness and sickness. My dad who is a real man he stayed married to mom even though she had mental problems. He never decided to divorce her because of her sickness. He always stayed with her and provided her with everything. It is hard to believe that in the U.S. you find high rate of divorce and for many divorce is the solution. My future ex husband always told me he will never leave me and I believed him. Now he wants to leave and move on with his life because they think I am replaceable. His family never saw me as their family. His family has some of the worst family members but they accept them the way they are but for me I am a replaceable wife. They told him he can replace me with a better woman. A woman who will sleep with another man while she is still married like his mom did. Edited January 6, 2014 by Amina Abou Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Very sad story, but it seems the best choice for you is to let the D happen, make sure your financial and custody rights are protected, and move on and forget this toxic family. I wouldn't consider marrying again in your case until you find a man with a solid family background. Look at ACTIONS and FACTS on the ground, not WORDS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) Coming from the opposite perspective, as having been married to a woman with a severe mental sickness, I can say that sometimes it's not about choosing to stay or leave. Sometimes you have no choice. You cannot make it without getting destroyed, yourself, at which point you are no good even to the other person. Life is more complicated than being a "real man". Unless you've experienced what "real men" go through in these situations, you are not qualified to assume. From what I've seen of human behavior, mental illness (especially BPD) is just a term for plain old poor character, selfishness and refusal to change. I can reference professional counselors who have said they can see, firsthand, how people with BPD can instantaneously switch on or switch off their disorder when they have something they want or are trying to gain/win something. Note: if this doesn't apply to you or your mom, I apologize. I'm just going off of my own experience. You can read my story if you want. Edited January 6, 2014 by M30USA Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amina Abou Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 My future ex husband family abandoned their oldest daughter because she is mentally ill. She spent Christmas time all by herself as usual. They don't value her. His mommy will prefer spend time with her friends partying and drinking instead of being with her daughter. A real man is the one who a woman can rely on when you she is not at her best. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 My future ex husband family abandoned their oldest daughter because she is mentally ill. She spent Christmas time all by herself as usual. They don't value her. His mommy will prefer spend time with her friends partying and drinking instead of being with her daughter. A real man is the one who a woman can rely on when you she is not at her best. Did you know that it's possible for ones own family to ENABLE poor behavior and actually PROMOTE pathological tendencies in their children? Depending on the exact circumstance, they could actually be doing her a favor by NOT supporting her if she is exhibiting poor behavior. My ex wife's family always swooped in to cover for her when she made poor decisions (including kicking my ass with a wooden board). As a result, she will only get worse. She never learns. Why? Because her "loving" family with "real men" always cover for her. Source: LOTS of experience with this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Everyone is replaceable and I'd get the divorce rolling today. The longer you stew in these juices, the more cooked you'll be down the road. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amina Abou Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 It hurts so much to think that you are replaceable especially if the person promised to never leave you and said to you he is very lucky to have you as a wife Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 It hurts so much to think that you are replaceable especially if the person promised to never leave you and said to you he is very lucky to have you as a wife It is horrible and you deserve better than to be just "replaced" like this. Find a man who values what you contribute and wants to touch you more than every 3 months. You can't argue with people like this. If he's unwilling to work on it and just says words that don't match his actions, let him go completely. There are lots of men out there whose words DO match their actions. And they appreciate women that have those qualities as well. What kind of mental disorder did the daughter have? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amina Abou Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 She has problems with addiction but I do not know the exact mental diagnosis Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Coming from the opposite perspective, as having been married to a woman with a severe mental sickness, I can say that sometimes it's not about choosing to stay or leave. Sometimes you have no choice. You cannot make it without getting destroyed, yourself, at which point you are no good even to the other person. Life is more complicated than being a "real man". Unless you've experienced what "real men" go through in these situations, you are not qualified to assume. From what I've seen of human behavior, mental illness (especially BPD) is just a term for plain old poor character, selfishness and refusal to change. I can reference professional counselors who have said they can see, firsthand, how people with BPD can instantaneously switch on or switch off their disorder when they have something they want or are trying to gain/win something. Clearly someone who has never experienced having BPD. Some of us ACTUAL sufferers were never able to "switch it off" even to override the pain long enough to actually not attempt to end my life. Your ex-wife hasn't been diagnosed AFAIK. SHE may have plain, poor-character, very poor coping skills or lack perception and empathy. Personally, having experienced the emotional flooding (prior to trauma therapy) I find it hard to believe that anyone with BPD would not be periodically suicidal to the point of SERIOUS attempts. Not just threats. Was this the case with you ex-wife? Mental iillness stretch past abuse as well. Many people have serious, diagnosable mental illnesses that do not constitute abuse: ADD, OCD, schizophrenia, Aspberger's etc. OP, since you didn't mention what kind of mental issues your mother had, I am guessing it's not safe to assume she was abusive. She may have had schizophrenia and heard voices but which may make a mate uncomfortable but not make her abusive in any way. Note: if this doesn't apply to you or your mom, I apologize. I'm just going off of my own experience. You can read my story if you want. OP, Is your husband replacing you because of "mental health issues"? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 She has problems with addiction but I do not know the exact mental diagnosis Ah okay. So did the family try to intervene with her or are they just shunning/ashamed of her? Is she cast aside, or is this part of a larger plan? Have they tried to reach out to her? The only reason I ask is because how we treat our family when they are down as opposed to when "they can offer is something" really shows the level of function of a family. Of course excessive care-taking is on the other end of the spectrum. I find families that abandon also smother, and bounce back and forth between the two extremes. Some more on one end, some on the other. Link to post Share on other sites
george roy Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 It hurts so much to think that you are replaceable especially if the person promised to never leave you and said to you he is very lucky to have you as a wife When I first started getting seriously involved with my STBXW, we'd already talked about some of our previous pains with other people. One thing I asked her was that, if she was ever unhappy and wanted 'out', then to just say so. And we could go from there. She couldn't even do that. Some people just don't have a conscience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amina Abou Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 If My my future ex husband thinks I am replaceable then let his fake Hunton family find him a woman who will cheat on him from the first year of marriage because of his very low sex drive. At least I was an honorable wife for four years and half and I never thought I will go with another man just because my husband is super cold. What could I excpect from a family full of divorce other than to push their son to divorce too? Divorced Grandson! Link to post Share on other sites
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