Is it normal to feel this way?

[TheDiva]

I am not sure where to post this sorry if this is not the appropriate place.

 

I wished very bad things on her, and then I felt bad for the wishes and asked God to forgive me. I wanted to kill her and another. I even thought up so many ways I could torture them. Again I felt horrible about it and asked God for forgiveness.

 

The Background:

I was a “Nanny” to my sisters 2 boys for a total of 5 years I did pretty much everything. I cooked, cleaned, and took care of the kids. I did so because my sister was going to school and working a job. She found herself with really no help thus asked me. At the same time her husband started driving a Semi. Her mother-in-law who is a hateful spiteful B**** would hardly help even though she lived next door. So when her oldest was born I stayed in the hospital with her, she had to have an emergency C-Section, so was out of work for 8 weeks. School was in break when he was born, so she only missed one week. But after she went back to work/ school I was basically full time care giver, I lived in the house and most days she would be gone off to work when he woke up and he would be asleep when she got in. Of course she took the night shift. J

 

 

Things were great, high grades in school and bringing in a paycheck, as well as her husband bringing in good money. Fast forward to next child, when he was born she was doing her internship at 4 of the area hospitals. Her husband only came in every 2 weeks. (East Coast to West Coast run) and after the 8 weeks recovery again she went back to school, Graduated and was offered a job at 2 separate hospitals she had interned with. She took the one closest to home, but still being the low man on the totem pole they gave her the worst hours, and she was one of the most on call members of the team. She did have a little more time with her kids though. Still most days, she would be gone before they woke up and they would be in bed when she got home. But I of course spent more time with them and was very attached to them. Even though she was trying to better her family’s financial situation, and it couldn’t be helped that she spent so much time away from the boys, she came to sort of resent me. They would come to me for everything, good or bad. Her marriage was on the rocks because they were growing apart. All of this was turned on me from everyone. I tried to protect the kids from the fighting, taking them away from the house, when things blew up between BIL and sister. But everything would get to my sister and she would mad at me, for being able to spend time with the kids, for them coming to me instead of her. I understand these things and don’t blame her for having hurt feelings over it. She just didn’t know how her family would suffer for her career. (I don’t mean for anyone to think badly of my sister. She is a good person who did the only thing she knew to better her family’s quality of life.)

 

Fast-forward a bit more. I make the heart wrenching decision to move back to my home state. Feeling as though I had abandoned ‘my boys’. I couldn’t take her being angry with me all the time for stupid stuff, when it all came down to she thought I was ‘mothering’ her boys, intentionally taking them from her. (I hope this makes sense.) I worried for the kids constantly after moving home. Knowing their not so nice grandmother next door was the one watching them while my sister worked made me feel horrible. She is not a good person, if my sister or bil would make her mad she would take it out on the kids. She played favorites with her grandchildren and my sisters’ kids were the lowest on her scale. My sister kept asking me about coming back, I told her I loved the boys like my own, but they weren’t my own and I couldn’t put myself back in that situation. After that I met someone and found myself having a baby, I couldn’t go back. I still missed the kids terribly and felt horrible about leaving them. Knowing that they didn’t understand why I left. The good side of all of it was my sister was forced to spend more time with them and got to have a good motherly relationship with them. The same one she had been jealous of me for having with them. When I left the younger one had just turned 2 years old.

 

 

A wee bit further into the future and now married with a child, I frequently visited ‘My boys’ when I could. They live 4 hours away, and when I had time off from work I would go see them.

 

Time as always marched on. In comes a New Year, and thus my birthday, always on my birthday I would go see them even if I could only stay a day. November/December 2000 I had to have surgery, it was supposed to be outpatient, but there were complications and I ended up staying in the hospital a total of 15 days, and even after leaving I had a drainage tube coming out of my side. (I know gross) The doctor said I would have to wear it at least 3 months, which meant it would be past my birthday before I would have clearance to leave town. I told him it would BE GONE before my birthday in February. And I was right; I was cleared with a clean bill of health and thus took my birthday trip to see ‘my boys’. But my 2001 trip turned out to be a rushed and hurried one. I didn’t get to spend as much time as I wanted to with the boys, because of unforeseen circumstances. A month later my worst fears come true.

 

On Saturday March 24th 2001 I get the most devastating phone call of my life, Cole, the younger brother, 3 years old, (3 months from his 4th birthday on June 25.) wandered off from his Grandmother’s house (next door to his own) and HOURS later was found at the bottom of the pool behind his house. He was dead. It seemed like a sick joke at the time. And I was in shock; crying, shaking and babbling the whole 4-hour drive.

 

The police are investigating, His grandmother who was watching him, blamed her 2 older granddaughters saying they were watching him when the police asked her. One of the girls was not even at home!! And when my sister left for work at 6am. She carried them into her MIL’s house and laid them in bed with her. DOES THIS SOUND LIKE SOMEONE ELSE WAS WATCHING THEM????? Over the course of the next couple of days, MIL only cries, when someone ‘important’ is watching her or talking to her. When the autopsy report comes back his death is ruled accidental. She seems to not care, never says she is sorry and never has, that she wasn’t watching him like she should have been, nothing, she acts like it is nothing to her. HER OWN GRANDCHILD and she could care less. I on the other hand felt and still carry some guilt with me. I became depressed and the rest of 2001 and parts of 2002 are missing in my memory. I feel guilty because I left, because if I had been there it wouldn’t have happened, yes he could have gotten away from me as well but I would have noticed him missing almost immediately, and found him (I hope) in time to save him. The autopsy report said he died around 10:15am, he had been underwater for at least 45 minutes, he was found around noon. I would be (personally) on my knees begging my sister to forgive me for letting this happen. As it was if it weren’t for my son, who was 8 months old at the time, I probably would have ended up in my grave right behind him.

 

I wished that woman were dead, thought up colorful ways to kill her, not caring if I were caught or not, my life was not really worth living until she got what she deserved. She has done other horrible things and has done mean things to a lot of people, and her philosophy is “it isn’t important unless it affects me’. I despised her.

 

 

A little ways down the road, another grandchild of hers, tells the neighbors that he knew where Cole was the whole time alluding to the fact that he may have thrown him in the pool. This child is one sick puppy. My sister knows these facts but refuses to try and find out if he did have something to do with Cole’s death. I understand that if she finds out it was intentional she might flip out. And Lord knows she has had a difficult time with her depression as is without this knowledge. About a month later my living nephew tells his mother about another disturbing thing. The Grandchild that told the neighbors he knew where Cole was, we will call him “Dan”, has been inappropriately touching him and his own little brother as well. My sister wastes no time in running her only remaining child to the police. Under police investigation it comes out that “Dan” has in fact been molesting his little brother and his cousin (my nephew). I am positive, even without concrete proof that “Dan” did indeed have something to do with Cole’s drowning. At the very least he is guilty of walking away after helping him into the pool.

 

OH THE ANGER I feel toward them, I did the only thing I could really do, and at sister’s suggestion I turned toward God, I prayed that God would forgive me the horrible things I thought and felt. Losing Cole was like losing my own child, and I went into almost the same depth of grief my sister did. There was nothing I was capable of doing about it. But I still felt vengeful. The anger isn't gone, but God is working on me about it.

 

Things are better for me and my sister these days, “Dan” is now on the Child Predator list and can never be taken off of it, even though he is a minor at this time. He is also in a Juvenile facility until he is 18. I pray to God everyday that he will confess to his 'involvement' in Cole’s death. I know some can think I am just going on circumstantial evidence but there are other things that he has said and done, and it makes me sure he knew something. He may of not had the ba**s to hold Cole underwater, but he would have the b*lls to walk away from him when he needed help. Dan’s little brother and my nephew both clam up if questioned about it, as if they were threatened if they told. They simply refuse to talk about it, won’t even talk to their respective therapists about it.

I feel that “Dan” has more to pay for, and pray that he will get his and I am around to see it.

 

As for the MIL she was recently diagnosed with cervical cancer. It isn’t simple for her because she has had heart trouble for a while now and had a series of heart attacks that hospitalized her for a few months. She is also diabetic (takes shots) She had a pace maker put in, at great risk to her health, and also had some other surgeries to unblock her arteries. Now that I have rambled on and on, I come to the heart of my problem. With the cancer it should be a simple thing to remove the female parts and things are fine, BUT with all her heart trouble the doctors have to carefully evaluate her condition to see if they can do surgery. I feel like I should be happy with all the trouble she is having. I want to feel that she is getting what she deserves, BUT I CAN’T after everything that has happened I just feel bad for her. I want to hate her and I want to be happy that all this is/has happened but I JUST CANNOT. I just feel sorry for her, Her son on the other hand, (my BIL) is happy as happy can be, he is ready to pop the cork on the champagne and celebrate! This is the way I thought I would feel. I thought I would feel ‘Justice’ was served, but I don’t. Nothing is going to bring that precious little boy back. I miss him so much that my arms hurt sometimes when I think about him. I couldn’t trade any of my kids for him or vice versa. He was so much like one of my own. And she just let him walk out of the house and die, without a second thought. She finally did admit in her own way to her son that she felt responsible for his death, but still has never told him or sister that she is sorry.

 

I guess what I am asking after Rambling on and on…..

 

Is it normal to feel almost indifferent when karma or justice (whatever you want to call it) does come along? I pity her and feel sorry for her, but I can’t be happy or upset that this has happened to her. Am I an awful person for feeling this way? I still carry my own guilt about leaving them, and creating this situation where the worst did happen. Some days it’s worse than others, but I am always told by my sister “God was going to take him, and no one could have stopped it. If it hadn’t have been this way it would have been another way possibly one where he would have suffered for a long time.” I don’t understand how she deals with her MIL everyday. I just don’t get it…she helps her everyday, checks on her and does things for her, I personally get physically ill when I am around the woman. Which isn’t often THANK GOD. Some one help me understand this please.

 

sorry that this is so long, and Thank you for reading it all. It really helped to type it out

[jade_nc]

i am so incredibly sorry for the tremendous loss that you and your family have suffered. although, i cannot begin to understand how you feel, please know that i do feel for you.

 

maybe you have answered your own question

- I pity her and feel sorry for her, but I can’t be happy or upset that this has happened to her.

IMO, i think think that is completely sane, and normal. nothing is going to bring back your nephew and someone else suffering isn't going to make you feel better about it.

 

anything that you feel as a result of grief, is normal for you. everyone suffers differently, and everyone heals at their own pace.

 

as far as your sister's attitude towards her MIL, i can understand her helping her. remember that your sister is in a different place emotionally in her grief than you are. it may be helping her to heal, helping her to forgive if there's any resentment there.

 

it's my personal practice to pray FOR the people who hurt me most....because, the way i see it, they are the ones who need my prayers and God's help the most. People who are mean, nasty, spiteful along with those who are suffering needlessly- those are the ones that truly need God's grace.

 

one day, i hope that you can find peace in remebering the light that your nephew brought to the world.

Bless you and your little angel!

[wanda]

I'm terribly sorry for your enormous loss and hope that with time you will able to cope.

 

Something struck me as I was reading your message, especially the first part about you looking after your sister's kids: you seem to feel a tremendous amount of responsibility towards your sister and her family. Why is that? Seems to me that your sister has pretty much done her own thing without as much consideration for you and others as you have for them. For example: I was very surprised when you said she had another child when the situation seemed already quite difficult enough as it was: studies, long hours away from home, baby, marriage problems...

 

Perhaps I've misunderstood, but I feel like your taking too much responsibility for your sister's life and perhaps neglecting your own needs as a result. You seem to do enough worrying for everyone!

 

Be good to yourself. Take care of yourself. Life is hard enough as it is without taking on other people's problems too.

 

To answer your question: yes, I think your feelings are quote normal. This kind of trauma is often followed by confusion, anger and depression. Be patient and give yourself time to grieve.

 

Strength, my dear...

[TheDiva]

Thank you both for replying,

 

 

wanda- You are right in a way, It's not exactly responsibility toward her family, I liked helping her. In the beginning of her marriage she wanted a child/ family so badly and had a lot of trouble conceiving. She convinced herself that she would never be able to have kids and decided she wanted to help people. (medical field) Not too long after starting school she found herself pregnant, and I, myself being in a horrible situation beforehand, got to finish out my schooling while she was pregnant. Which was very important to me. At that point in my life, I was trying to figure out what to do and where to go with my life. I felt guilty about leaving the kids because I had always been their constant, the one thing that never changed. Granted the timing was bad when she found herself pregnant the second time. She didn't believe she would have another, because of her schedule and her husband being on the road. I do feel that she took advantage of me in a lot of ways. Especially making me a scapegoat in her marital trouble. I have come to terms with the fact that she got too used to having me and assumed I would always be there to help. That was not on the original plan. The longer I was there I suppose the more she assumed I wouldn't leave no matter how I was treated, but I also don't think she realized she was taking a lot of anger out on me, when I hadn't done anything to her. We have come to terms with everything. We are actually very close despite the physical distance between us. But yes you are right I do tend to take on others' problems as my own. I am a 'fix it' person. ( even if it is only fixed in my head)

 

 

jade_nc (does this mean North Carolina per chance )

 

My sister is the same way about her MIL, always praying for her and asking the church to pray for her troubles. I myself having exactly come that far. I have prayed for her, but its very vague prayer. God is working on me though in that I don't exactly feel anything good or bad concerning her anymore.

Just the physical sickness and that probably comes from how sweet she acts to everyone, yet I know how she really is. The one thing that really made me sick was she didn't cry at the funeral, yet she cried and cried and cried about her oldest grandson being put in a juvenile place, and basically said that my living nephew and her other grandson were lying about being sexually abused. Even after the physical evidence proved it, and when he was arrested for driving w/o a license, driving a stolen vehicle, driving under the influence of drugs and possession of cocaine, she had the nerve to say he was framed! He was 15 at this time.

 

 

In any case its great to know that I am pretty normal. I was starting to think maybe I was just turning into a hard hearted person. At least where certain people were involved. After initially wanting to kill them, I did a 180 and decided they should live as long as possible, because once they are dead nothing will affect them anymore. (Gosh I hope I don't sound Psychotic! ) I miss Cole a lot, but I am not in the severe depression anymore, but as March gets closer and closer I tend to regress a bit. This year one of my online friends had her son die on the 6th, it wasn't sudden, he had a childhood cancer. But it really affected me, I keep thinking how would I be dealing with Cole's death had he suffered the way her child did. And I see her as such a pillar of strength. Relying so strongly on her faith that makes me feel like a "failure"(for lack of better word) in my own grief, and how long it has taken me to come this far. I understand I will never be over his death, but it taught me a lot. I believe it made me a better mother, (of course after the initial grief process.) Although I am still working on the trusting ANYONE with my kids which I really need to come to grips with before my oldest starts school this year or I may find myself following him to school. -Just kidding there, but honestly his death caused me so much anxiety over my own son, that I quit my job (there were other factors involved as well)

 

Thank you both again, I appreciate the feedback so much.