BF and future

[AmeliePoulain]

I'm 28 and my bf is almost 30. We've been dating for 1.5 years and things are great. He tells me all the time that I'm amazing and make him happy, and we hang out 4 days a week. He is currently looking to buy a house (he's in real estate) and I live on my own, work full time, and in college (I have my bachelors but wanted to go back to specialize in a new career).

 

He tells me in different ways that he wants to live with me one day (although he knows I wouldn't live with a bf unless I was engaged) and he mentions us being old together. However, theres no concrete plan, and I haven't asked him about marriage with me, but I don't want to assume anything either. He's basically said once in the beginning that he's never really thought about marriage but would do it if it made her happy.

 

I thought about waiting until around two years to bring it up in a more solid question. Should I ask him in about 6 months like, "Do you see yourself married to me?" I don't want to scare him off though lol his parents are still married as well as some of his friends. Money is not an issue as he made six figures last year.

 

Last night, we were drinking wine and I tend to talk more when Im buzzed and I rambled on about how I had woken up the night before at 3 a.m. thinking about my future. I said that I didn't know how I will manage being in my new career but that i wanted to have two children before I'm 35, and that I want to start being more responsible like saving money, etc. I cant remember what he replied as I kept talking, but I remember when we got back to his house, he said something like he's glad Im thinking about my future and wants to help me. What is that about?

[happydate]

I'm 28 and my bf is almost 30. We've been dating for 1.5 years and things are great. He tells me all the time that I'm amazing and make him happy, and we hang out 4 days a week. He is currently looking to buy a house (he's in real estate) and I live on my own, work full time, and in college (I have my bachelors but wanted to go back to specialize in a new career).

 

He tells me in different ways that he wants to live with me one day (although he knows I wouldn't live with a bf unless I was engaged) and he mentions us being old together. However, theres no concrete plan, and I haven't asked him about marriage with me, but I don't want to assume anything either. He's basically said once in the beginning that he's never really thought about marriage but would do it if it made her happy.

 

I thought about waiting until around two years to bring it up in a more solid question. Should I ask him in about 6 months like, "Do you see yourself married to me?" I don't want to scare him off though lol his parents are still married as well as some of his friends. Money is not an issue as he made six figures last year.

 

Last night, we were drinking wine and I tend to talk more when Im buzzed and I rambled on about how I had woken up the night before at 3 a.m. thinking about my future. I said that I didn't know how I will manage being in my new career but that i wanted to have two children before I'm 35, and that I want to start being more responsible like saving money, etc. I cant remember what he replied as I kept talking, but I remember when we got back to his house, he said something like he's glad Im thinking about my future and wants to help me. What is that about?

 

In a sense he's agreeing with your plan only because he doesn't want to fight or stir the pot yet.

 

You need to realize that raising a family require a huge time and financial commitment from both parties and that there are certain sacrifices to be made. If you are unsure how you are going to manage in your new career, then how are you going to be sure how to manage your baby with your new career? If you are unable to manage that all by yourself, is your BF and future husband willing to sacrifice his time and freedom to take some of that load off you for the time being? I think that if you are confident this relationship is as strong as you think is for you to need to talk about it and get some clarification before you put any more time into the relationship. Don't put ultimatums or persuasions that he must agree on your terms. Just get a clear understanding and a compromise where this relationship is heading. Most men tend to delay marriage for a while longer, cause once you're locked in, it's hard to get out and most men tend to play delay tactics as far as they get away with until they will say I do.

 

But who knows. He might be the one who's looking forward to the kids and aren't sure what to say if he realizes that he might put you in a demanding position with your new career or career with kids in general.

 

Talk it over as a couple. You are allowed to talk as a loving couple and you don't need to play childish games to exact what you want.

[AmeliePoulain]

He is very supportive of my career, and I was venting about how people both work and have kids. I told him Id have to do freelance for awhile when I have children. I didn't mention 'us' because I didn't want to be presumptuous. The career I'm going for will be more money than he makes. I just don't know when or how to bring it up. Should I wait later since it's only been a year and a half? We do both want kids, but I don't know how he feels about making that bigger commitment to me. Do you have any suggestions on when and how to word it?

[happydate]

He is very supportive of my career, and I was venting about how people both work and have kids. I told him Id have to do freelance for awhile when I have children. I didn't mention 'us' because I didn't want to be presumptuous. The career I'm going for will be more money than he makes. I just don't know when or how to bring it up. Should I wait later since it's only been a year and a half? We do both want kids, but I don't know how he feels about making that bigger commitment to me. Do you have any suggestions on when and how to word it?

 

I am sensing that he is truly the love of your life and you will be loyal to him as a supportive wife and a mother of his children. But I sense "doubt" in you in this relationship when you said you don't want to be presumptuous? A committed relationship involves trust and respect and there is no room for presumptions and assumptions either. These things can literally kill a relationship.

 

You said he indicated that he wanted kids. Do you trust him enough to make the equally big commitment to you if you asked him to marry you and then start the family together?

 

If you still have trust issues with him, then I may suggest that you resolve this first with him and making sure that both of you are on the same page, marriage and planned parenthood.

 

Any suggestions how to word it?

 

First and foremost, don't put any pressure on him on what you envision the family to be. Because that's your personal views and he may not necessarily share the same views as you do, so play on a soft approach and always control yourself if he doesn't agree with you on things you want family wise.

This is where you guys need to make some compromises on the time line -- like maybe he wants a family 5 years from now for instance. So you need to make a good case to him why you need to have babies before the age of 35, because once you have a baby, his freedom will be curtailed. He knows this.

 

For a soft approach.. What you can do is to go out with him to a mall with a kids store. Just nonchalantly wonder into a kids store that that has ties in with his interest. When you're in a store, find something there as a form of distraction and then use it to have fun with your future husband. Make silly gestures and funny noises like a child would do and see what he does. If he reciprocates back to the doll or whatever character like Angry Bird with a nurturing fatherly figure; then you got it made! If not, then help him play with the doll figure and make sure you guys have lots of laughter along! What I am trying to do is to encourage your future husband that playing with kids is fun and rewarding and you need to help him foster that. Men are rough and sometimes become too intimidated when it comes to nurturing a child and they're too manly enough to admit that they don't know how. You do! Just make a point of a game like you would do with a boy on a doll house. Eventually, he's going to like it and catch what you're after. It may take him a few tries to be comfortable, but don't overdo it like you're putting pressure on him.

 

Hope this helps..

Edited January 7, 2014 by happydate

[AmeliePoulain]

Yes, thank you, anything is helpful. He seems really confident in the relationship and committed. I appear to be confident, but really, I want to hear the words that he wants to marry me some day or anything even close to that. I'm being anxious, but I hope that if I sit back and enjoy the ride for now, that he will want to build that future with me. Next time we see kids stuff, I'll try to do what you suggested. It seems like a good idea, and I never would have thought of that. Thank you very much!