Wife said she's "done". Next steps?

[Wolverine1980]

Hey all.

 

Glad to be here.

 

Here's my situation:

• My wife and I were separated for 2 years
  
• We recently got back together to do a "trial"
  
• We went back to Chicago to visit her family in mid December
  
• She said it wasn't working and that she was done
  
• After hanging around for a couple of days, I got on a train back to our apartment in Michigan, and with the help of some guy friends, came to realize that I was "over it" and would be FINE without her
  
• I told her I wouldn't pursue it any more, and that if she wanted to talk about it, I was available
  
• She emailed, said she wanted to give it another try and we talked about it in person
  
• During that talk, I said let's take a few weeks apart and think about what we'd like 2014 to be like - and get back together with no BS trial periods
  
• I signed us both up for a relationship class (I thought it would be a good way to kick off 2014)
  
• She thought about whether she would participate or not for a few days, then came back (via email) with "I really am done with our marriage".
  

Sooooo.... all I've done is sent her an email saying I need some time before I respond.

 

On the one hand, I do still think our marriage can work and I am VERY much in the midst of some big personal development changes. I would like it to work. She's a good woman, and I like having her in my life.

 

On the other hand, I am getting tired of YEARS of uncertainty and ready to move on with my life.

 

I'd like to try to salvage it, but would also like to come to a decision one way or another soon.

 

My current plan is 180 it, and start off by sending an email (not call) saying:

 

Hey. I've read your email a few times and I understand what you're saying completely.

 

I am truly sorry it has gotten to this point, but won't pursue further and I hope we can settle it with minimal problems and legal drama.

 

I won't file for D (since I don't want it), but I will go BLACK in terms of communication. This will buy me time to do inner work, educate myself about D, and also to read Divorce Busting.

 

Any suggestions on next steps? We are in two different states, so that makes things a little more tricky as far as 180 goes.

 

Thanks so much!

Edited January 7, 2014 by Wolverine1980

[hinatticus]

I don't have much to offer as for advice. I'm in a similar situation and I'm trying to figure out my next move. But as far as the book is concerned... Get divorce remedy. It's an updated version.

 

You seem to be in a good spot regarding your sanity. Sounds like you're thinking pretty rationally.

 

Good luck man.

[Wolverine1980]

Thanks hinatticus. Will do re: the books. Re: my state of mind - just trying to maintain - NOT USUALLY VERY EASY!!! Re: your situation - good luck to you too! Feel free to stay in touch. Camraderie always helps.

[alonefornow]

Hey all.

 

Glad to be here.

 

Here's my situation:

• My wife and I were separated for 2 years
  
• We recently got back together to do a "trial"
  
• We went back to Chicago to visit her family in mid December
  
• She said it wasn't working and that she was done
  
• After hanging around for a couple of days, I got on a train back to our apartment in Michigan, and with the help of some guy friends, came to realize that I was "over it" and would be FINE without her
  
• I told her I wouldn't pursue it any more, and that if she wanted to talk about it, I was available
  
• She emailed, said she wanted to give it another try and we talked about it in person
  
• During that talk, I said let's take a few weeks apart and think about what we'd like 2014 to be like - and get back together with no BS trial periods
  
• I signed us both up for a relationship class (I thought it would be a good way to kick off 2014)
  
• She thought about whether she would participate or not for a few days, then came back (via email) with "I really am done with our marriage".
  

Sooooo.... all I've done is sent her an email saying I need some time before I respond.

 

On the one hand, I do still think our marriage can work and I am VERY much in the midst of some big personal development changes. I would like it to work. She's a good woman, and I like having her in my life.

 

On the other hand, I am getting tired of YEARS of uncertainty and ready to move on with my life.

 

I'd like to try to salvage it, but would also like to come to a decision one way or another soon.

 

My current plan is 180 it, and start off by sending an email (not call) saying:

 

 

 

I won't file for D (since I don't want it), but I will go BLACK in terms of communication. This will buy me time to do inner work, educate myself about D, and also to read Divorce Busting.

 

Any suggestions on next steps? We are in two different states, so that makes things a little more tricky as far as 180 goes.

 

Thanks so much!

 

Ummm... You are handling this exactly the way you should from what you've written here. You can't force her to stay with you, all you can do is lay out what you want and move on. If she doesn't want to be with you, that's her decision. Focus on yourself, 180, and educate yourself.

 

Only advice I have for you is that you say you don't want it to end, but you don't want years of uncertainty. Spend some time thinking about what would cause you to definitively end this marriage. She may very well string this out for a long time. Not out of malice or anything like that, but simply because that's how we humans are. Recognize your limits and stick to them.

 

But really good on you OP. It sounds like you're handling this well and working for the best possible end even if that does mean the D. Keep that up.

[RonaldS]

As a Spartan, I'm reluctant to help a Wolverine, but....

 

If she says she's done, that's it. Case pretty much closed. Like you, I went through a long limbo time (3 years), and it's hard to go back. I don't know that it's possible, but if it were, it would be because both people were 10 billion percent committed to making it working it out. Absent that, well, I would focus on accepting that it's over and get ready to move on. In cases like ours, the death of the marriage is very much like Jason in the Friday the 13th movies....just when you think the ax to his face killed him, he jumps out from behind a tree and cuts you in half with a machete. Of course, at the end of the movie, Jason DOES die (at least until the next movie). So, even though it flares up every now and then and gives you hope, your fate is pretty much sealed.

 

As for personal improvement and development....yes. But do it for you. It will serve you well on the next leg of your journey. It might not seem like there is much to look forward to, and it will hurt and there will be ok shortage of terrible times, but you WILL get past it. You will find this forum to be a great place and a great comfort. Many people have been where you are, and they can be very helpful in helping us take out blinders off.

 

Good luck and Go Green!

[Wolverine1980]

Hey all. Just bought "The Divorce Remedy". Going to initiate the 180/Last Resort Technique.

 

Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

Use 180 as a tool to improve yourself and let her go for good.

 

I'm off to do that --^