Forced to be friends with my sister - she irritates the sh*t out of me.

[Shuffty]

I don’t get along with my older sister, Mary.

 

In fact, the more time I spend with her the less we seem to have in common and I end up feeling like I flat-out can’t stand her because everything she does annoys me. I don’t know how she does it but I get irritated by the way she speaks, dresses, behaves… and I find myself wanting to punch her.

 

I honestly love Mary as my sister but a high percentage of the time I am completely irritated by her and I just want her to go away. I know that makes me sound like a total b*tch but whatever; it’s the truth. We are just so different that if we weren’t sisters I would not hang around with her; she’s just not my kind of person. Truthfully, I'm not hers either; she just won't admit it.

 

 

But here’s the big problem…

 

Mary and my mother have this idea that all three of us (Mary, Me and our younger sister, Lauren) are BFF’s and we want to do everything together, even though we don’t like the same things. Lauren and I are very close and we basically don’t want our older sister around all the time because it’s like she’s on a completely different wavelength to us. She also feels she has to baby Lauren (aged 26) and discipline me - despite the fact that I’m 28-years-old and I have never once responded positively to her castigation – why would I??

 

Furthermore, I don’t think she actually likes me that much anyway. She’s hyper-sensitive and I can be quite sarcastic, which means that she constantly thinks that I’m making fun of her or picking on her. Mary thinks nothing of starting an argument from something miniscule and never lets anything go; she will react to a joke and then burst into tears in a public place, with no regard for how extremely embarrassing it is. I cannot cope with that level of drama queen, I really can’t!!

 

I’m working under the theories that;

 

1) She still lives at home and has trouble dealing with the fact that both her younger sisters are grown-ups.

 

2) She is unwilling to admit that she does not enjoy our ‘outings’ and just does not want us to do anything without her, even if she always has a miserable time because we don’t get along well.

 

Additionally, our parents do not help at all…

 

My mum insists that we ‘come as a three’ – and she loves it that we are constantly together, even if we hate it. Which is why Mary will not admit that she is unhappy with the situation; she agrees with mum on EVERY count and is a bit of a brown-nose really.

 

If Lauren and I want to go anywhere we ALWAYS have to invite her along, even if it’s something that she is not interested in and we know she will find a way to basically ruin it. Lauren mentioned to my dad that we were going to the cinema and his first question was ‘Did Mary not want to go?’ Like we have to do EVERYTHING as a trio; I feel like a child.

 

We went to a gig together and she was a total pain in the arse. She started no less than THREE arguments over nothing and was on the verge of tears after I was ‘unspeakably rude’ to her at dinner – seated in the centre of a fairly small restaurant and she’s getting hysterical – I wanted to die I was so embarrassed. It’s like she doesn’t realise or care how ridiculous it is for a 32-year-old woman to behave in this way.

 

Finally…

 

Literally ALL of our friends are coupled-up and we are all single – Mary has always been single and Lauren has not had a boyfriend since college. I for one have been stuck in my ways since breaking up with my ex five years ago. Anyway, Lauren and I can’t help but find it sort of pathetic that we are all still single (linked that to several parental issues growing up, but that’s another story – BOYS = EVIL and SEX = THE DEVIL, basically) and that our only friends are our sisters. Which Mary takes to mean that she is ‘not good enough.’ It’s not that crazy to think that anyone would chose a group of friends to hang out with at a gig, rather than their older sister who acts like their mother half the time.

 

Whilst Lauren and I worry that we are going to be alone forever (a legitimate fear, I feel), Mary is in the complete denial of ‘It WILL happen’ – yeah, before or after my ovaries shrivel and die? It’s like she would rather us all end up dying alone before her younger sisters get married first, so she has to drag us down with her.

 

Personally, I HATE to be thought of as ‘The Three Sisters’, who are always together even though they can’t stand each other and if you invite one you have to invite all of them. It’s pathetic and severely depressing!! Yet Mary sees nothing wrong with it! Honestly, it makes me want to cry. It’s not ok for three women in their late-twenties/early thirties to be so co-dependant; it’s freaking weird.

 

I don’t mind hanging out with Lauren because we are actually BFF’s but the way we are forced/expected to spend any free time with Mary is totally unfair. Yet she goes loads of places without us and never invites us anywhere. I think that’s ‘acceptable’ because it’s leaving two people out rather than just one. I don’t think it is totally unreasonable to expect to do something without your older sister for a change, when you are NEARLY THIRTY. My mum knows that we clash, so I really don’t understand why she insists on forcing us together!

 

I really don’t know what to do about this situation because I feel like I can’t go on with her ruining everything I like to do and making things totally awkward; it is so frustrating. I am always biting my tongue because I know she will go and tell mum if I say anything ‘controversial’, which means I am stressed and irritated when I am around her - this does not contribute to a good time.

 

Plus, there is no way I am ever going to get laid again with my chaperone hanging around all the time…

 

 

What do I do? Do I just blatantly stop inviting her to things that she doesn’t want to go to anyway? Do I actually try to bring this up and brave the cry-fest that would inevitably follow?

 

P.S please don’t tell me to ‘try and get along with her’, I’ve spent the best part of thirty years putting up with her histrionics, it ain’t going to happen… I don’t hate her, we’re just too different. Plus, everything she does gets on my wick.

[turnera]

My mum insists that we ‘come as a three’ – and she loves it that we are constantly together, even if we hate it.

I don't understand the problem. You're an adult. Do what YOU want.

[Shuffty]

I know I am an adult and I honestly wish it were as simple as ‘doing what I want to do’, but if it was I wouldn’t be on here ranting about it! I understand your POV and my life would be so much easier if I could just get on with it and not worry about this but that is not what my family is like unfortunately. If I want to hang out with Lauren (who is actually my friend) I am forced to include my older sister who I don’t really get along with; if my parents or Mary find out that she was not invited somewhere, we are branded nasty bullies. As soon as I find myself in this situation I may as well be fifteen again; it’s like my parents are in total denial and just see us as a group of kids that are BFF’s and want to be together aaaaall the time. How am I supposed to just hang around with my actual friend without upsetting my older sister and my parents? That’s the problem – it’s not just a matter of doing whatever I want to do, or I would have done that by now.

 

Just because I’m an adult doesn’t mean I can disregard the feelings of everyone in my family (even if they are a bunch of drama queens). Do you just do what YOU want to do even if it means upsetting people that you do actually care about? It’s not like I WANT to upset Mary and my parents, it just feels like we are in a holding pattern and no other families seem to have this weird dynamic that they pretend not to notice.

 

I understand how it must sound, but it’s just not the sort of family where you can stand up and say ‘we don’t have to do EVERYTHING together, sorry!’ without on-going repercussions. I once mentioned that I didn't really like frozen pizza's a couple of days after Mary bought some to go in the freezer (for some reason...) and by my mum's reaction you would think I had tried to push my sister into on-coming traffic or something. Over frozen pizzas!

 

I know it must sound like I am just being a total wuss but if I do mention this I am risking the mother of all drama’s that will drag on forever. I don’t know if it is worth it!

[turnera]

If I want to hang out with Lauren (who is actually my friend) I am forced to include my older sister

 

we are branded nasty bullies

Again, you are an adult and you CAN choose to do what you want and let them do whatever the hell childish stuff (including your mother) they want. You don't HAVE to go along with it, you don't HAVE to stay in the room or even visit them in the first place. All three of you are adults and have the right and ability to choose what you want AND to ignore the flying crap.

 

I know it's hard to see it now. But it's part of the right of passage of a 20-something, that you have to realize that YOU have to start being the adult and making the adult decisions irrespective of what your parents want. Most parents aren't just going to suddenly say 'oh, you're an adult, do what you want.' No, they're going to hold on to you kicking and screaming, saying 'do what I want, you're my child and you owe it to me.'

 

Uh, no, you don't. Their job was to raise children until they are 18 or so. YOUR job is to then take over your life and live it as YOU want to live it. The change has to come from you, Shuffty. Scary? Hard! Of course. But nothing

worth achieving isn't.

[turnera]

Do you just do what YOU want to do even if it means upsetting people that you do actually care about?

Actually, I do. I have. When my dad's wife did something insufferable to me and mine, and he backed her up and called ME a bad person, I cut them out of my life. The world didn't fall apart. My brother - ever the appeaser - told me to apologize to them! I said, uh, no, I am not the person who nearly ruined someone else's life, I have no REASON to apologize, and I won't. He got over it and wants to be my best friend now.

 

You don't have to be that drastic, but you DO have to start taking a stand. It's part of growing up.

 

It’s not like I WANT to upset Mary and my parents, it just feels like we are in a holding pattern and no other families seem to have this weird dynamic that they pretend not to notice. I understand how it must sound, but it’s just not the sort of family where you can stand up and say ‘we don’t have to do EVERYTHING together, sorry!’ without on-going repercussions.

Your line of reasoning is a direct result of the dysfunctional, abusive FOO you grew up in. Had you been raised with healthy parents, you would never even consider tolerating any of this. So I'm trying to tell you that, yes, you CAN break free of this crap - cos THEY aren't going to stop it - and you CAN still have relationships with them. But they will be relationships on YOUR level, with YOUR boundaries and the accompanying consequences to family members who refuse to accept your boundaries.

 

Start reading about boundaries. You will be amazed at how few you actually have, how enmeshed you are in your family, and how unhealthy it is.

 

10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries | Psych Central

 

Setting and Enforcing Healthy Boundaries

 

Happy Families Have Healthy Boundaries: Part 1

[Shuffty]

Good advice, thank you.

 

Yeah, I think the crux of it is that we sort of have to walk on eggshells around her because she’s the oldest and it’s like we’re waiting for HER to change so that we can grow up, which means putting ourselves effectively on hold until she decides she’s ready – which may be never! Really, it’s down to us to do our own growing up and take control of our own lives. I can't sit back and wait for things to change by themselves. Maybe if we set an example she might grow up a bit and finally cut the apron strings, who knows?

 

I just wish the flying crap was so easy to ignore! My mum is kind of in a dream world where all her extended family are best friends and she blatantly refuses to see that this is not the case – even when I have said it to her directly! I am fairly certain that it will make things completely awkward – maybe permanently – if I mention that I don’t want to go somewhere with Mary, or that I think it’s weird that we are three perpetually single sisters that all hang around together (ugh). She just doesn’t see it and I’m worried that this is going to turn into a serious family drama, with no end in sight. That’s definitely a concern…

 

I am tempted to just start doing my own thing and leave Mary to her own devices – things are not going to change if I keep feeding into it, right? To be honest, she’s in a mood with me half the time anyway and I don’t even realise it, so it probably wouldn’t be that different, ha ha! I need to do something to stop feeling stuck and then I think I would be strong enough to deal with this and point out maturely that other families don’t behave in this way. I think they are in a bubble where they can’t see that there is anything wrong with the situation.

 

I appreciate an outsider shining some light on this subject, I literally have no one else to talk to about this except my younger sister and sometimes it feels like we are just going back and forth to each other complaining without making any progress whatsoever. I actually feel a bit more positive about this now, knowing I can have some effect on it if I make the effort with myself. I don’t feel like I am just pointlessly ranting anymore! Thanks so much!

[turnera]

we sort of have to walk on eggshells around her because she’s the oldest

No, you don't have to. You CHOOSE to. You could tell her the truth or ignore her or even argue back, if you wanted to.

 

These are all things that are in your control, Shuffty. You just have to reach the point of being willing to accept that and face your fears. They've raised you to NOT want to raise a stink, but that's THEIR preference. It doesn't have to be YOURS. Start setting boundaries for yourself.

 

 Good, Decent People Set Boundaries. Establishing boundaries makes you a safe

person. People know where they stand with you. Boundaries are the way we take

care of ourselves. We have both a right and a duty to protect and defend ourselves.

 Generous People Set Boundaries. If you don't set boundaries you are giving

yourself away. With boundaries you only give what you want which means you can

afford to be generous to more people over a longer period of time.

 Boundaries Allow Others to Grow. Because it makes others conscious of their

behavior thus allowing them to change.

 Boundaries Allow You To Get More of What You Want, and Less of What You

Don't. Boundaries not only protect you from unwanted behavior, they also foster the

behavior that you want.

 Effective People Set Boundaries. Because doing so keeps you in control of your

time and efforts which makes you feel better about yourself. This leads to your being

more effective.

 Stick to Your Guns. In order for boundary setting to work for you, you must

develop a commitment to uphold what is right and true for you. You must act

consistently in upholding your boundaries.

 Practice Makes Perfect. If this is not familiar behavior it will feel awkward and

unnatural at first, but anything worth doing is worth doing badly at first. People may

not like it at first that's natural they are used to getting their own way with you.

Keep it up. With practice you will get more skillful and graceful.

 

More at: http://www.jsc.edu/StudentLife/CounselingServices/documents/Developing-Healthy-Boundaries.pdf

[Keenly]

You can choose to cut your sister out of your life, you just choose not to and make excuses why you are not going to.

 

No one said it was easy, but you CAN do it. I don't think you will actually do it though.

[stillafool]

Do you and your sister Lauren live with your parents also? If not, make plans to go anywhere you want and not tell your mother or Mary about it. If you still live at home at 28 and 26 why not get an apartment together and move out of your mom's house. There lies the problem. You all are adults but living at home with parents makes you feel like kids. Their house, their rules. Get your own place and make your own rules.

[turnera]

More:

 

Examples Of Boundary Setting

 Anger - "You May Not Continue to Yell at Me. If You Do, I Will Leave the Room and End This Meeting."

 Buy Time - "I Have a Policy of Not Making Snap Decisions. I Need Time to Think and Reflect on What I Want To Do. If You Need an Immediate Answer It Will Be No."

 Criticism - "It's Not Okay With Me for You to Make Comments About My Weight. Please Stop. If You Don't I Won't Be Able to Continue This Conversation."

 Extra Commitments - "Although This is an Important Issue To Me, I Must Decline Your Request for My Help at This Time. Or I Need to Honor My Family's Needs."

 Money - "I Won't Be Lending You Anymore Money. I Care About You and You Need to Start Taking Responsibility for Yourself."

 

REMEMBER, It is Not Enough to Set Boundaries, It is Necessary To Be Willing To Do Whatever It Takes To Enforce Them. Which is the Role for …

 

CONSEQUENCES

 Set Forth Clearly and Non Emotionally.

 Actions You are Willing to Take.

 May Allow For Gradual Change.

 May Be Negotiable Rather Than Rigid Lines in the Sand.

 

Examples

 "If you break plans with me by not showing up or calling me, I will call you on your behaviors and let you know how I feel."

 "If you continue (offensive behavior) I will leave the room/house/ ask you to leave."

 "If you continue to repeat the behavior I will consider all of my options including leaving the relationship."

 "If you continue to ignore my solutions or suggestions, I will assume that you are not interested in receiving help from me and I will stop working on your case."

 

If you are not ready to end a relationship or conversation don't say you are until you really are. If people are unwilling to respect your boundaries, they are not true friends or people you want to spend time with. Setting personal boundaries and limits can be very important in how you lead your life and the quality of the relationships you have.

[Shuffty]

Keenly - I don’t think I need to make excuses for not cutting my sister out of my life completely, because I never said I wanted to do that in the first place. She’s not a bad person, she just gets on my nerves and I wish she would grow up; the problem is that I just don’t want her around all the time because we are very different people who don't enjoy the same things. I never mentioned totally cutting her out and pretending she doesn’t exist – that’s horrible. So, in a sense, you’re right; I won’t do it, because it’s unnecessary and it would basically mean cutting out my entire family.

 

Hi stillafool – No, I don’t live at home; Mary does and Lauren is just about to go back to uni for her last term, after which I’m assuming she will be back home for at least a couple of months. I really thought it would get better when I left home but to be honest I think it has got worse! They text/call me every weekend to ask if I’m coming home and whenever I do visit we revert back to our ‘teenage’ selves, mainly because Mary’s behaviour sort of dictates the environment - just because she’s the oldest, it’s very hard not to slip into the old routine. She went away to uni (many moons ago…) and phoned home more or less EVERY night, to the point where I refused to pick up the phone. I think this set the events in motion and our parents expect the same from me and Lauren, it’s like we’re stuck as teenagers until Mary decides to grow up and move out!

 

I think turnera makes a good point about boundaries; I would be much more comfortable with going home and hanging out with my family if I felt that they viewed me as an adult with my own life, who can make her own decisions. I think putting some boundaries in place would certainly be helpful – it’s possible that I have become too ‘comfortable’ with the situation and chosen to be lazy about it rather than actually do anything constructive from my end. It does not necessarily have to be like this forever. It seems like an impossible task because this has been going on so long, but I would really love to be seen as an actual grown up when I go home and to not feel like I am pressured into socialising with my sister all the time when I don’t really want to. Thanks for the info!

[turnera]

It seems like an impossible task because this has been going on so long

I always tell people in your situation - and there are a LOT! (just read the other threads here) - to start small. And go slowly.

 

In your case, I would probably start with, if they expect you to call home more than once a week...stop doing it. Tell them that you are practicing new improvements for the new year and one of them is building independence; as such, you will be calling on Sunday nights from now on, to catch up with everyone. And then DO IT! Do NOT call any other time.

 

They will probably freak out and start pushing back, but just focus on this one thing. DO NOT DEVIATE FROM YOUR PLAN! You can do this. The first couple weeks will be hard, as they will contact you, may even pretend to be sick or hurt to get you to call. But be firm. Then, call them Sunday night as discussed.

 

And, if when you call anyone tries to harass you, say "If you're going to put me down, I'm going to hang up." And then DO IT! Scary, but you can do this one little thing. Focus on this for a few weeks until it becomes second nature. Then you can work on a new boundary to add to this one.

 

btw, I'm jealous, I always wanted a sister!