youdunsay Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I bumped across a few threads and a few days ago some of my close ones were discussing about how men lament their wives/girlfriends when they earn lesser than them. Talk about insecurity, I do feel and will feel inferior if my SO earns more than me, in particular if he looks down on me. I detest the idea of my earning capability is 2 compared to the man with earning capability 9. It feels like I'm too far behind the race. Worst if he compares me with other women. Men, how successful do you want your wife/girlfriend to be? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jba10582 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 don't care as long as she is passionate or motivated about some thing/s. There ARE other ways she can help out and do things to add VALUE to a relationship which CAN be MUCH more helpful than trying to one-up each other in some finanacial competition which would only lead to resentment of some kind. Link to post Share on other sites
Badsingularity Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 It doesn't matter at all. My wife makes more than I do. I don't care and I cheer her on. As far as how I feel as a man, I would not care if she made millions and I made zero. I know who I am as a man and what I have to offer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I don't care as long as her behavior towards me doens't change for the worse. Link to post Share on other sites
MalachiX Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 In an ideal world, I'd like both me and my SO to be incredibly successful. I work in film which is a very tough field that requires one to be pretty damn driven. I'd love to be with someone who is just as motivated as I am. It would also be cool if our passions where similar enough that we could appreciate each other's work. I guess it would be extra great if I found a woman who was also in filmmaking so we could work together. As far as money goes...I don't really care. For whatever reason, I don't tend to think that money and success are the same thing. It's like that line from Citizen Kane, "It's no trick to make a lot of money if all you want to do is make a lot of money." I know a lot of people who have made a good deal of money doing incredibly unsatisfying work. I don't look down on them (as that's their choice and they use their money to for their family which is great); but I also don't want to do that with my life. Success, to me, is doing something I find satisfying and making some kind of impact. I just want someone with a passion for their work. If she wants to run a non-profit that helps the homeless even though she makes next to nothing, that's fine with me. If she ends up being a successful writer who makes way more than I do, that's also fine (though I'd like to make sure I'm pulling my weight financially). Link to post Share on other sites
Onethirtyeight Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 (edited) It doesn't matter a whole lot to me. I do want to marry a woman who has or is working on getting some sort of professional job, doesn't even have to be a career. That's mostly just because I don't want to be with someone who is lazy and/or lacks aspirations. Maybe I'm kind of old school this way but I'm pretty much planning on the fact that we'd have a few kids and she's going to be taking time off work because of that. That's going to make her less competitive in the work force and hurt her ability to move up in a career. As a result I'm probably going to be paying a lot of the bills anyway. So by that logic it doesn't really matter what she does as long as she enjoys it and its something she/we can be proud of. All of that works out because I'm working on an ME degree at one of the best schools in the country. Its very likely that I will be able to support a family on my salary and any income my wife makes would be spending money. I also see money as a means to an end, I don't get hung up on how much I or anyone else has as long as I have enough to accomplish what I want. Edited January 7, 2014 by Onethirtyeight Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I bumped across a few threads and a few days ago some of my close ones were discussing about how men lament their wives/girlfriends when they earn lesser than them. Talk about insecurity, I do feel and will feel inferior if my SO earns more than me, in particular if he looks down on me. I detest the idea of my earning capability is 2 compared to the man with earning capability 9. It feels like I'm too far behind the race. Worst if he compares me with other women. Men, how successful do you want your wife/girlfriend to be? My relationship isn't a competition neither is it a business partnership. I need complement and compatibility. I don't care if a man earns more than me, so long as I am not dependent on him financially and can take care of myself. So long as I am financially capable and ambitious I don't see why a man would look down on me and I wouldn't be with a man who is competing with me financially or who looks down on me because I don't make as much as him. Likewise, I don't care if I earn more than a man, so long as it isn't the case that he is dependent on me and cannot take care of himself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author youdunsay Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 As far as how I feel as a man, I would not care if she made millions and I made zero. I know who I am as a man and what I have to offer. How about a change of roles? You earning millions and she earns zero. Or perhaps more in a real life situation - she earns around 50k you are earning 1000k. Link to post Share on other sites
fabulous Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 (edited) It doesn't matter too me much. Nor does educational levels (i'm a young professional myself). Besides looks, I want compatibility measured in personality traits like sociability/having a pleasant disposition etc. I'd happily date a less educated, poorer women, so long as she was fun to be around and not a total financial liability. It would be nice to share the bills sometimes, as being young I have limited financial means, but as I get older this may change. I'd happily use status/money to date a women outside my league in looks terms. I guess it can go both ways, I don't mind women using me for my money, if she is hot enough.Hey we are all shallow, at least I'm honest about it! I guess I would be kind of jealous if my gf earned more than me. There's a deep seated instinct within men that is triggered, I'd feel a bit threatened, like my masculinity is at stake. But hey, i'm sure i'd get over it, esp when the fruits of extra money start flowing in. Edited January 7, 2014 by fabulous Link to post Share on other sites
BikerAccnt Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I like them to be able to contribute to a stable household, that's about it. I find it's best for a stable relationship if the earnings are close to on par with one another. Depending on how you are as a man, a woman earning considerably less, or more, can create resentments. Not saying it should, but it does. Too often in relationships, when there is an uneven income gap, the one with the higher income (male or female, though honestly, more often male) feels a sense of entitlement to things. After all, it's their money paying for everything. Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I've had someone complain about my sale assistant job, while I was studying. He thought I was a little girl and didn't have a purpose (). Then he would ask his dad to lend him money because he was following his "dream" and was a starving artist for some time now (he was 33, I was 23). I have also been with someone who earned considerably more than me and had a very good career, working with famous people etc. He always respected me on that matter. And when I left the sale assistant job and started my career, he respected me the same. You see, he was the kind of person that came from a very poor family and could understand that surviving comes first. Before his "glamorous" job, he was working in a factory, as a waiter, etc. So, after my experience, I just want to be with someone who makes as much money as me, or more than me. However, I'd prefer splitting the bills in half. If we were living somewhere together I'd want it to be a place that we both can afford with ease. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I've told my fiancee I'd love for her to make a ton of money so I didn't have to work. I'd happily cook and sex her up when she got home. Though since I make enough to support both of us once we have children it will be going the other way. But as long as there is plenty of sexing up I'll deal with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Men, how successful do you want your wife/girlfriend to be? As successful as she chooses, in whatever way is meaningful to her. That's been my perspective since I was old enough to 'want' something for a romantic/sexual partner. In my M, my wife often made more money than myself, especially when I was caregiving. It was a non-issue for me, though a larger issue for her. I don't see money as the measure of a man, or woman. It's stuff. Can't take it with us. YMMV. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 We're a team. I earn twice what he does. I bring things to the relationship, he brings things to the relationship. He does more at home because I work longer hours. That's about the time we're physically occupied by work, not because of the salary differential. I'm more ambitious and driven than he is, he's more grounded than I am. It works really well, we're both a little in awe of what the other does Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Education and wage doesn't really matter to me. I simply want for her to achieve what she wants to, and to be happy - I believe you should always work were your passion lies. If she earned considerably more than me, id be her #1 supporter! I'd be dead proud of her (and I know id be working hard whatever I brought in because its in my nature) If I earned considerably more it really wouldn't bother me. Money, its not something I aim to collect - money is for enjoying,, with the people you love. What's mine is hers right? As long as we both work hard, doing something we're passionate about who cares who earns more for it. A women who was lazy, I couldn't live with that! Nor could I someone who lacked passion and ambition - for whatever, be it to be a multimillion pound business women or volunteer saving rhino in Africa, or even just to be a really really great mum. I'm really happy in my career and theres a lot of prospects in it for me, but if I was confronted with two women one who brought in 100k in a job she hated and the other who brought in 12k in a job she was super passionate about. Then it would be the second women i'd be more inclined to date. My girlfriend, she works a bar job at the moment, she had to put some money behind herself when she go pregnant but September she'll be back studying again. She obviously won't be bringing much money in that time but, she wants to teach English Lit, and she should! When she talks about books & writing and things, that's her passion, she could inspire anyone with her passion and who better to inspire than teenagers, that's a gift she was born with and she should use it. Whether they paid her £5000 or £500,000 there's nothing I'd rather she did. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 About half as successful as the man is a pretty good ratio I think. I've never felt very threatened by even the highest achieving women but studies show men in general are not interested in a woman who competes with and maybe even beats them proffesionally. They view it as a humiliation. So why are you determined to humiliate the guy you're dating? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I bumped across a few threads and a few days ago some of my close ones were discussing about how men lament their wives/girlfriends when they earn lesser than them. Talk about insecurity, I do feel and will feel inferior if my SO earns more than me, in particular if he looks down on me. I detest the idea of my earning capability is 2 compared to the man with earning capability 9. It feels like I'm too far behind the race. Worst if he compares me with other women. Men, how successful do you want your wife/girlfriend to be? Why is your earning capability only 2? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I haven't been without a job since I was 15, and have been the sole financial provider for my family for over 18 years. But there are certainly times when I'd love to be a Kept Man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 My boyfriend and I are both rather well off but him more so. He Never let's me pay for anything. He always tells me to leave my stash to my kids and spend my money on my two grandchildren. I earned more than both my last partners. Never an issue. Money is never 'the' issue...it represents something else. One partner was a finishing carpenter and his work was almost like art. It was worth admiring far beyond any monetary reward. Bottom line...meaningless except whatever prism we view it through. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 About half as successful as the man is a pretty good ratio I think. I've never felt very threatened by even the highest achieving women but studies show men in general are not interested in a woman who competes with and maybe even beats them proffesionally. They view it as a humiliation. So why are you determined to humiliate the guy you're dating? This is so odd. As my own post said: my relationship isn't a competition. A man would be very insecure and moronic to believe that whatever career and goals I had for myself, quite likely BEFORE I even met him, is some competition with him. LOL! Right. Sorry...was I to be twiddling my thumbs waiting for my Prince? Or should I have had goals and a career and then dropped them immediately once I found him, as my REAL life work (finding a man and stroking his ego) has now commenced? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I've never felt very threatened by even the highest achieving women but studies show men in general are not interested in a woman who competes with and maybe even beats them proffesionally. They view it as a humiliation. This has been my experience. There is a lot I don't tell guys about my occupation when I first meet them. When I was in college, I dumped more than one guy who said "I would never let my wife make more than me"... my thought was "yea, and how are you going to make sure I don't make more than you?!" It was never a competition to me. I was mostly concerned about a guy stomping on my dreams and natural curiosity. THEY were the ones who made it into a competition. I also just lurved the guys who would say "You don't have to work so hard, I'll take care of you." Seriously? I'm not a little kid that needs taking care of that way. Really, I prefer not to have a financial discussion with guys anymore beyond what their spending habits are or if they are in debt. I couldn't care less what they make and prefer they don't care how much I make either as long as we can both fend for ourselves and have similar life goals and spending styles. Those are the things that cause the biggest problems.... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 From the OP: I detest the idea of my earning capability is 2 compared to the man with earning capability 9. It feels like I'm too far behind the race. Perhaps it's now outdated but I happened to be socialized in a household of 'equals' where the female's *chosen* 'capability', not to be confused with potential or existing capability, was zero compared to the male's ten and where her 'success' was confined to being his most valued manager and accountant, along with loving spouse. It wasn't a 'race'. It was a marriage of equals, human partners who worked together for the success of the *family*. It appears such partnerships have outlived their usefulness, at least from my experiences with my own generation. Hence discussions such as this. IMO, at least not my lifetime, men will never be accepted generally into the roll of accountant and manager and loving spouse to a woman breadwinner. Sure, there will be exceptions (I do not know of any personally) but IMO it'll be a long time before a woman's earning capability, if in excess of a man's, will be generally a non-issue or even, as in the assertions of the OP, where she apparently feels 'inferior' to a higher earning existing or potential male partner/spouse. The man's part, as relevant, and it applies to women too, is one should never 'look down' on a person one loves. That's so blatantly unhealthy it bears no cogent discussion. Why bother? Just be single. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 It doesn't matter how much money a couple makes, it's how they spend or save it. Finances are the number one cause of divorce. As long as you both have the same financial goals and values, that is all that matters. If one spends every penny and maxes out the credit cards while the other pays cash and has no debt, that is a recipe for disaster. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 This has been my experience. There is a lot I don't tell guys about my occupation when I first meet them. You're intimidating enough to a lot of guys even before they find out you have a masters. This is so odd. As my own post said: my relationship isn't a competition. A man would be very insecure and moronic to believe that whatever career and goals I had for myself, quite likely BEFORE I even met him, is some competition with him. LOL! Right. Sorry...was I to be twiddling my thumbs waiting for my Prince? Or should I have had goals and a career and then dropped them immediately once I found him, as my REAL life work (finding a man and stroking his ego) has now commenced? I don't know what your guy does for a living, but there are some men who have done stuff so remarkable even if the woman outearns him 50x his ego can take it. I know Jillian Barberie married a Marine Recon Sniper who I'm sure she makes a lot more money than but they seem happy. It's just a very rare thing to fine a guy like that and you probably have to manage his ego carefully even when you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 This has been my experience. There is a lot I don't tell guys about my occupation when I first meet them. When I was in college, I dumped more than one guy who said "I would never let my wife make more than me"... my thought was "yea, and how are you going to make sure I don't make .. You dumped more than one guy who said this? I can't imagine a fellow in college ever saying that...any guy I went out with or not. Did you go to college in Iran or Afghanistan? Link to post Share on other sites
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