boyfriend's lies, my insecurities and the green eyed monster

[heyelisabeth]

I'll try to keep this as concise as possible and thank you for your thoughts in advance!

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2+ years. Over these years, he has lied to me many times. Because of this, I have a hard time trusting him. As far as I know, he has mostly lied about relatively small things...where he was, who he was with, what he was doing. But other things have bothered me more...such as exaggerating a story to make it seem that he almost cheated, and even hiding drug use. Obviously, my faith in him has been shaken. To make matters worse, I moved to a new city (with his encouragement) for a once in a lifetime school opportunity a few months ago.

 

We have been getting in arguments very often over the phone. He will promise to call me at a certain time, and never does. I get upset about his casual drug use, because it seems to me that it is affecting him and our relationship. I try my hardest to be calm and respectful during these discussions, but sometimes I get emotional and raise my voice. His reaction to this is to hang up, break up with me, or generally cut me off emotionally.

 

I do want to make our relationship work. But I have become this horrible, jealous, suspicious girlfriend, and I hate it. Tonight, he is going to a dance club and I can't get my mind off of it. I know I can't keep blaming his behavior for mine. Maybe it is because I am insecure about my looks, and about the fact that I am not approving of his drug use. At the same time, I am honestly a low-maintenance girl, with her own life and interests. I'm not even sure where this rambling is going, I suppose I am just looking for an opinion besides my friends' usual "you can do better, especially if you lost some weight."

[uriel]

Oprah has a wise saying that came from Maya Angelou: "When somebody shows you who they are, believe them, the first time." Your bf has shown you over and over again who he is. He's a guy who isn't honest. You can't trust him. If someone will lie about little things, they'll lie about big ones. As life gets more serious, as you mature, you will look for people who are rock solid, who you can depend on in thick or thin. This isn't the type of person I'd depend on in either. If he were just a friend, and the romance wasn't there, you probably wouldn't have put up with him for so long. That fact that you have suggests you have lowered self-esteem. He knows you're willing to put up with less than you deserve -- he's counting on it. Time, in my opinion, for you to move on. Both of you should be working toward a good relationship -- not just one of you.

 

If you want to test that, stop trying to work on the relationship -- to keep it afloat. Base your decision solely on what's desirable and convenient to YOU -- not to him. If you've a scheduled call, but you'd rather go out, go out. If you don't hear from him, ignore him and put your energy elsewhere. Let him carry the burden and see if he does it. If he doesn't, you have your answer.

 

-- uriel

[Amalphia]

Ok honey the way I see it is this. ARE YOU HAPPY WITH HIM????? CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF WITH HIM IN FIVE YEARS????? if you answer both of those with yes without hesitation then you can make this relationship work but if you cant answer yes then maybe you should listen to your friends and leave him. I can tell you that if my boyfriend was going out on a regular basis without me I would be FURIOUS. He has no right to lie to you. And no one deserves to be lied to.

[Hund1976]

Find a guy who doesnt' do drugs and doesn't lie to you. If you catch him lying about small things who knows how many lies he's told you that you never found out about!

[kypepeo]

Babygirl, you can do so much better,you are not being yourslf when you are with him, he brings out the worst of you and generally gives up so much grief that it makes it hard to focus on things that matter to you. He's not the only man in the world and if you stay with him, you won't find someone who makes you happy and grows you instead of putting you down.The only reason you have been with him for so long is because you don't think you deserve better. I had a boyfriend once who treated me like trash but eventually, I decided that enough was enough and dumped his arse. I was so shocked that I had tolerated his behaviour and was terrified that I would keep on hooking up with people who treated me badly.

 

The first step is to love yourself coz nobody can love you and treat you right until you have enough confidence in yourself. You are who you are, weight and all, appreciate yourself, focus on your good points,physically and otherwise believe me. Feel good about yourself, treat yourself once in a while and believe me,after that, you won't be able to stay with someone who doesn't value you . It all starts with you. Dump his arse and take care of you for a while.