Tailspin

[inappfriendly]

I saw my ex AP and his wife yesterday. In fact, they nearly ran me down in her car as I crossed the school parking lot. So I know THEY saw me. Which in turn I can only imagine let to a conversation about me and the A.

 

Rewind: After DDay, we kept in touch for a while via super secret covert email. He was not shy about letting me know how badly he threw me under the bus, claiming it was all one-sided, he had no feelings for me, blah blah blah. He reported that they talked about it for hours. Every day. That is a lot of words...and a lot of lies. He omitted plenty of details. I get why he did it. He was desperate to save his family and the comforts of his lifestyle.

 

Fast forward: While I am coming to terms with why he chose to stay in his M, what kills me is imagining the horrible things he says to her about me. Mostly to ease her mind, I am sure, but maybe he truly means them?! It makes me sick to my stomach when I consider the probability that every sweet thing he said to me was a lie. That our moments meant nothing to him.

 

I was doing ok-ish for a bit. Now my thoughts are incessantly focused on what they are doing. Talking about. Feeling. So many hypotheticals. None of it is my business. My morale, self-esteem and hope to regain normalcy have all taken a severe nosedive. Am I ever going to recover from this?! I feel trapped inside my head. Somebody wake me from this nightmare. :/

[MorbidFever]

I'm sorry for your pain. I think whatever excuses or lies he has told W, don't take it personal. Remember, they are only out to save their own butts so they don't get thrown out of the house. And him telling you, shows he wasn't sincere with the W, it's almost like he's laughing about it with you like 'this is the garbage I had to say about you'.

 

Maybe he was tired of all the questions and throwing you under the bus was his way of silencing her about it and taking the pressure off himself. Again, they pretty much only care about themselves.

 

Easier said than done, but try not to focus so much on what they are doing or what he is saying. Allow yourself a few minutes a day to think about it. Keep telling yourself you will think about it later and eventually the thoughts will become less and less.

 

How long has it been since you've had contact? Did you abruptly go NC or did you have any sort of closure going into it?

[inappfriendly]

Thanks for your response, MF. You are absolutely right. I indulge these thoughts way too often.

 

As far as NC, I abruptly cut it off by deleting a shared email account about 4 months ago. Dday was about 4 months prior to that. I was sick of feeling sofa king sad after every interaction with him. Despite the situation being hopeless, it killed me that he never fought for me. In retrospect it was always about him. Me feeding his ego, making him feel good, getting him off, filling his "void".

 

Feeling sad + angry + rejected seems like it should be enough to let me let go. I am not sure if I still long for him, answers, or just validation that memories of what we shared when things were good is not just all in MY mind. I am just stuck in this emotional limbo.

 

I cannot hold on. But I also will not let go.

[Snowflower]

Fast forward: While I am coming to terms with why he chose to stay in his M, what kills me is imagining the horrible things he says to her about me. Mostly to ease her mind, I am sure, but maybe he truly means them?! It makes me sick to my stomach when I consider the probability that every sweet thing he said to me was a lie. That our moments meant nothing to him.

 

 

A question for you, inapp, when you and he were in your A, did he say horrible things about his wife to you? Was he always trash-talking her, making comparisons, etc? Was that his style? Or was he more quiet about her?

 

I hope you get to a better place soon. You deserve so much more than what he had to offer!

[wanting more]

Thanks for your response, MF. You are absolutely right. I indulge these thoughts way too often.

 

As far as NC, I abruptly cut it off by deleting a shared email account about 4 months ago. Dday was about 4 months prior to that. I was sick of feeling sofa king sad after every interaction with him. Despite the situation being hopeless, it killed me that he never fought for me. In retrospect it was always about him. Me feeding his ego, making him feel good, getting him off, filling his "void".

 

Feeling sad + angry + rejected seems like it should be enough to let me let go. I am not sure if I still long for him, answers, or just validation that memories of what we shared when things were good is not just all in MY mind. I am just stuck in this emotional limbo.

 

I cannot hold on. But I also will not let go.

 

You'll never get passed this is you will not let go? Why would you hold on to something where he was a complete as* to you???

[wanting more]

I'm sorry for your pain. I think whatever excuses or lies he has told W, don't take it personal. Remember, they are only out to save their own butts so they don't get thrown out of the house. And him telling you, shows he wasn't sincere with the W, it's almost like he's laughing about it with you like 'this is the garbage I had to say about you'.

 

Maybe he was tired of all the questions and throwing you under the bus was his way of silencing her about it and taking the pressure off himself. Again, they pretty much only care about themselves.

 

Easier said than done, but try not to focus so much on what they are doing or what he is saying. Allow yourself a few minutes a day to think about it. Keep telling yourself you will think about it later and eventually the thoughts will become less and less.

 

How long has it been since you've had contact? Did you abruptly go NC or did you have any sort of closure going into it?

 

 

How do you not take it personal, everything he's telling his BS about AP just to save his own as*?? He's not laughing WITH OP about what he had to say. He's throwing her under the bus to his BS and then throwing it in OP face by telling her!!

[whichwayisup]

 

Fast forward: While I am coming to terms with why he chose to stay in his M, what kills me is imagining the horrible things he says to her about me. Mostly to ease her mind, I am sure, but maybe he truly means them?! It makes me sick to my stomach when I consider the probability that every sweet thing he said to me was a lie. That our moments meant nothing to him.

 

You are basing this all on a guy who cheated on his wife. Let me ask, did he bash his wife to you? Say awful and nasty things, or minimize their marriage, relationship to you? If so, then why be surprised he's doing the same thing to you behind your back. Why hope or expect better treatment from him when is a liar, a cheater and someone who is selfish and self absorbed? Bottom line is, you went into the A knowing full well he was married, setting yourself up for a fall. Yes you may have believed all that he told you and sadly you got burned.

 

Do your best not to focus on him and their marriage. The A is over, he's moved on and you have to as well. Make yourself not care what he thinks or feels. At the end of the day what counts is YOU and your life, your family and friends that love and care about you!

 

I was doing ok-ish for a bit. Now my thoughts are incessantly focused on what they are doing. Talking about. Feeling. So many hypotheticals. None of it is my business. My morale, self-esteem and hope to regain normalcy have all taken a severe nosedive. Am I ever going to recover from this?! I feel trapped inside my head. Somebody wake me from this nightmare. :/

 

You're right, it isn't your business. At all.

 

And yes you will recover from this, keep busy, accept that it's going to be rough at times, you'll have some down and sad days but you have your whole life a head of you to be happy again. Life is what you make it to be. WHY waste any thoughts on him? It serves no purpose at all, except that it makes you feel bad right? Wanna stop feeling bad? Push thoughts of him away and close the door on him, his life, marriage etc..

[whichwayisup]

I cannot hold on. But I also will not let go.

 

You need to dig down deep and figure out why you can't or won't let go of someone who completely disrespects you. What is it inside of you that is broken and feels you still need to obsess about him? Really, think about this and if you can't figure it out on your own then do counseling.

 

You're not a victim, so don't act like one! Sorry to be harsh but it really bothers me when I read these situations where the exMM has chosen to move on and the exOW can't let go. Such a waste of your life. you MUST focus on the positive people in your life. Friends and family who genuinally love and care about you. Yet here you are, hanging onto past memories, remembering some ass.hole who is done with you and shown you who he is. Get MAD and say F-U, no more! Move on!

[ComingInHot]

Innapp, It hurts. I know, even if from the opposite end.

I'd like you to think in a "glass half full" way for a minute. Not saying it'll be easy. These things Never are. But... being the exOW, I see you have an advantage* Seriously! The A is Over between you and mm. The relationship has Ended. YOU have the (heartbreaking) ability to move forward, onward, not EVERYTHING having to speak or look at or converse with mm EVERYTHING again. It is the past. History. A memory that Can fade and will fade in time while you build a Brand New HEALTHY life with ZERO reminders thrown in your face.

 

Pretty awesome when I Think about that for you. You see, for me, I see the face of my destroyer Every single day. I am looking into the face of the biggest liar, cheater, thief every day, night and morning. My children will never hear from my lips of what their father did so I've had to distract them, change topics, pretend with them and it felt dishonest which broke my heart all over again.

My glass half full is that I have time, new strength and understanding that I AM the better Person, that I Can Make it on my own. He TRULY wants to be WITH ME, then with our kids, then with our families, and finally, then our lifestyle.

But as long as we are M'd, those memories will be closer, the triggers more often, and the time so painfully longer than if I had NO Ties to him and could just... go.

 

So innapp, this was supposed to make you feel better**

[inappfriendly]

ComingInHot, you are a bigger, better, BRAVER PERSON than I could ever dream of being. I wish you all the best.

[ComingInHot]

Thanks! But I think your future dreams are bigger and more beautiful than you realize right now.

Give yourself a hug from to keep your heart warm for tonight*

[Daisy2013]

Fast forward: While I am coming to terms with why he chose to stay in his M, what kills me is imagining the horrible things he says to her about me. Mostly to ease her mind, I am sure, but maybe he truly means them?! It makes me sick to my stomach when I consider the probability that every sweet thing he said to me was a lie. That our moments meant nothing to him.

 

I was doing ok-ish for a bit. Now my thoughts are incessantly focused on what they are doing. Talking about. Feeling. So many hypotheticals. None of it is my business. My morale, self-esteem and hope to regain normalcy have all taken a severe nosedive. Am I ever going to recover from this?! I feel trapped inside my head. Somebody wake me from this nightmare. :/

 

Who cares and what does it matter what they are doing and what he is saying to her? Really? It is none of your concern. And I don't say this to be mean. This is the advice I was given when I was ruminating on "what" and "why." It helped me because whenever a I would go there, I would tell myself it didn't matter. This is your time to heal and move on. Don't let him keep you down.

[whichwayisup]

ComingInHot, you are a bigger, better, BRAVER PERSON than I could ever dream of being. I wish you all the best.

 

You're just as strong and brave...You just need to believe in yourself and not be afraid of feeling some pain for a while.

 

Your life is what you make it to be, so choose to be happy. Think long term not just short term. Short term will suck, but long term? you'll be FREE and have you and your life back to where it should be.

[Scott Thomas]

You got played big time. There's no need to trust a man who'll betray his wife-can't really expect him to remain loyal to you, can we?

 

Maintain NC and move on. Learn from this experience and focus on your children. Last time I checked, you were divorcing your husband. How's that faring?

[inappfriendly]

I appreciate everyone's posts. Really feeling like a pathetic, whiney loser now but I am no victim because I brought this on myself!

On paper, I am a freaking super-human: I work two amazing jobs, have two unbelievably smart and funny kids, lead a scout troop, teach Sunday school, have a crew of spectacular friends, work out every day to keep this ship tight...

Not tooting my own horn...just asking myself why this single experience has taken me down so many notches? I have been through dozens of breakups. This one has rattled me to the core.

Again, thanks for your comments. Starting to put things in perspective.

Be good. Do good.

[Artie Lang]

so how goes the reconciliation with your husband? you seem to omit your status on this front.

 

are you two in counseling?

Edited January 9, 2014 by Artie Lang

[inappfriendly]

He hasn't kicked me out of the house yet.

Unfortunately, though, we aren't making forward progress.

The issues we have run much deeper than my infidelity. As you can imagine and have already passed judgement on, most of the issues are mine.

My H is a good man. However we are fundamentally incompatible. Our current goal is staying afloat while we raise happy, healthy kids.

[Scott Thomas]

Were these incompabilities visible while you two were dating?

 

How did you mitigate these incompabilities during the initial years of your relationship?

 

Did these companilities arise after the honeymoon phase wore off or when you had kids?

 

How has your husband reacted after your affair?

 

What steps have you taken (post-affair) to reconcile with your husband?

 

If remaining married makes you two unhappy, why not divorce and find someone else?

[inappfriendly]

We've been to MC. Things remained the same. We both have come to terms with the fact that we married for the wrong reasons. There was never a honeymoon period. Things have always been acceptabley mediocre. Clearly we both have personality issues that have allowed for this. Having kids was a good distraction from the lack of emotional intimacy. I have a degree in Psych and Masters in Counseling so I understand human behavior. People have to be open and willing to change. He isn't. I am just fine remaining numb. For now, this "works" as in we are functioning on a practical level. D has come up as an option but it not a financial possibility at this time.

I don't purposefully try to avoid questions about my M. I prefer to avoid the judgements. As far as the A, I don't mind being lambasted because I deserve it.

[Snowflower]

We've been to MC. Things remained the same. We both have come to terms with the fact that we married for the wrong reasons. There was never a honeymoon period. Things have always been acceptabley mediocre. Clearly we both have personality issues that have allowed for this. Having kids was a good distraction from the lack of emotional intimacy. I have a degree in Psych and Masters in Counseling so I understand human behavior. People have to be open and willing to change. He isn't. I am just fine remaining numb. For now, this "works" as in we are functioning on a practical level. D has come up as an option but it not a financial possibility at this time.

I don't purposefully try to avoid questions about my M. I prefer to avoid the judgements. As far as the A, I don't mind being lambasted because I deserve it.

 

Regarding the bolded...this seems like you're blaming your H for the breakdown of your marriage when you have said that the two of you were just incompatible from the start.

 

He could probably easily say the same about you...that you aren't willing to change.

 

The incompatibility isn't a result of him not willing to change. It's a result of the two of you being very different. Neither of you should have to change the core of who you are.

[inappfriendly]

Snowflower, I apologize that absolutely is NOT what I meant. I take 100% responsibility for my actions and in NO WAY blame H for the problems in our marriage. As for being unwilling to change, it is a trait with which we both struggle.

Edited January 9, 2014 by inappfriendly

[whichwayisup]

Fast forward: While I am coming to terms with why he chose to stay in his M, what kills me is imagining the horrible things he says to her about me. Mostly to ease her mind, I am sure, but maybe he truly means them?! It makes me sick to my stomach when I consider the probability that every sweet thing he said to me was a lie. That our moments meant nothing to him.

 

Did he bash his wife and say horrible things to you about her? Did he 're write history' and exaggerate his marital issues/problems to you, omitting truths to suit him in the best possible light in your eyes? Kind of like what he is doing to his wife now.

[thummper]

I saw my ex AP and his wife yesterday. In fact, they nearly ran me down in her car as I crossed the school parking lot. So I know THEY saw me. Which in turn I can only imagine let to a conversation about me and the A.

 

Rewind: After DDay, we kept in touch for a while via super secret covert email. He was not shy about letting me know how badly he threw me under the bus, claiming it was all one-sided, he had no feelings for me, blah blah blah. He reported that they talked about it for hours. Every day. That is a lot of words...and a lot of lies. He omitted plenty of details. I get why he did it. He was desperate to save his family and the comforts of his lifestyle.

 

Fast forward: While I am coming to terms with why he chose to stay in his M, what kills me is imagining the horrible things he says to her about me. Mostly to ease her mind, I am sure, but maybe he truly means them?! It makes me sick to my stomach when I consider the probability that every sweet thing he said to me was a lie. That our moments meant nothing to him.

I was doing ok-ish for a bit. Now my thoughts are incessantly focused on what they are doing. Talking about. Feeling. So many hypotheticals. None of it is my business. My morale, self-esteem and hope to regain normalcy have all taken a severe nosedive. Am I ever going to recover from this?! I feel trapped inside my head. Somebody wake me from this nightmare. :/

 

 

 

Ahhhh, yes. "Every sweet thing he said to me." Worked didn't it? Got you into bed and into a sexual relationship. Players are masters of using words to get what they want. Of course your moments meant nothing other than a very nice roll in the hay for him. You've been played, and as soon as his own marriage was threatened, he tossed you aside. What did you expect him to do? You need to forget this guy....quit obsessing about him and spend the time making it all up to the only man your life that really matters....your husband. Is he being cold and distant with you. Maybe it's because he knows you're still mourning the death of your affair. That's going to take some time for him to deal with.