george roy Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Hi all, Here's the situation. Three kids. 11, 9, and 7. STBXW had an affair. We are getting a divorce. STBXW will be moving into the guest room, and will eventually be moving out of the house. STBXW wants to wait until she is ready to move out to tell the kids. Which is at least a month away. The kids, especially the eleven-year-old, can see that things aren't the way they used to be. Even the 9 year old is starting to catch on. So how do you tell them about the divorce ? Any advice and suggestions are appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I read on another board that a counselor told the parents to not tell the younger kids (under 7 or 8) until the week before the move. Else, they'll work themselves into a frenzy with the unknown. If you just move them from the telling straight into the moving, they'll see that it's not the end of the world. The older kids, however, I would be honest and just tell them the truth. At their age, the ONE thing they need most from you is to know you will always be honest with them. Just do it with no animosity toward your stbx. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Whatever you do, please please please do not call your wife a whore or slut, or belittle her to them, or in front of them. Don't talk about the other man. Just tell them that you and Mom are not able to be together anymore and are breaking up. But that you both love them and they will be okay. That you and Mom will make sure that they are taken care of as always. There is nothing worse than hearing your parent belittle the other one. It is also called parental alienation, and you could get into deep ****, custody-wise, if you do it. They will know someday, but they are children and should not be told horrible things about their mother or father. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mea_M Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 My suggestion is to tell then asap. It's very important in situations like this to keep the kids well informed. Using the best logical approach if possible. Also, just a thought here.. please let them know it's not their fault! More often then not kids will take this stuff and internalize it to them. Good luck. Mea Link to post Share on other sites
thedmc Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Having been in this situation as a kid, I can tell you flat out that it will not be easy at all. The best thing you can do right now is be the best dad you can be. Also, I wouldn't wait until she leaves to explain to them why their mom is leaving. I think it'd be best to sit them down now and explain things to them. A little tip though, Even saying that it's not their fault will change how they feel. It didn't do that for my siblings and myself. We felt like garbage for a good year or so before we slowly started getting over it. It's just one of those things you have to deal with. Just being there for them though will be a huge help. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 You either tell them all or none because kids won't keep secrets and shouldn't be asked to! You wait until it's clear things are being packed up and then you tell them, the parents together, in a civilized manner. You tell them it's really nothing to do with them and is nothing for them to worry about, and that it is an adult decision made jointly by the parents. You keep a light manner so you don't scare them and tell them the change will be good for everyone and not to worry at all about it. One of the parents starts talking trash about the other or finds out either parent made these adults issues the problem of the children, putting them in the middle, the judge will find out and will give the benefit of the doubt to the spouse who has not involved the children for their own benefit and has not talked trash about the other parent to the detriment of the children. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 21, 2014 Share Posted February 21, 2014 Tell them as a family unit. Be general in your statements. Allow them time during the family "talk" to express themselves, be it sorrow, or fear, or absolute silence. Allow them to incorporate this news into their minds. Comfort if need be. Keep structure in the family as much as possible. They will feel as though the carpet has been pulled out from them. They need a stable environment. Your ADULT reasons are not for the kids to understand. So speak on their level. They will act out at times, so take it in stride. They may even dislike the very parent who has the best of intentions for them.... Sorry that this is happening, yet asking for advice is a way to prepare ... Link to post Share on other sites
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