Chriscross Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Just some background information before I get started, ive been dating this girl for just under 8 months, I'm 18 and she's 17, so yeh we're both young and new to this whole relationship thing. Anyway, it was something she said the other day when we were talking and the topic of fighting came up. She said, "I don't think we fight enough" - this of course stumped me because hey, a relationship with minimal fighting is a great thing right? I know that fighting within a relationship isn't the end of the world and that it can actually be a good thing, and we've had a few non major hiccups along the way, but I don't really understand why she specifically said that we don't fight enough. She's one of those girls who when in the wrong mood can be quite sharp and frustrating, and she's told me that it's just in her nature to sometimes want to pick a fight - don't get me wrong here, it's not like she's some crazy aggressive nutcase, she's a wonderfully kind person, I'm just not to sure what to make of this. I'm one of those guys who doesn't like to see people upset so naturally I do what ever I can to avoid conflicts when possible, so maybe this is a contributing factor? Basically I'm clueless and could use some help from you more experienced people out there! Thanks for taking the time to read this! Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Sounds like she expects and enjoys drama. I'd ask her what benefit she believes fighting would bring to the relationship. But being avoidant is not going to help the relationship either. There is one thing not to fight but talk about things rationally, and another to become submissive to everything your partner wants. If you are being submissive and she wants to fight badly enough... who knows how far she would go in order to get a rise out of you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chriscross Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 Sounds like she expects and enjoys drama. So when it seems like she's fishing for a bit of it I should just let it happen? Just kind of struggle to see the benefits of just letting it happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 So when it seems like she's fishing for a bit of it I should just let it happen? Just kind of struggle to see the benefits of just letting it happen. No, you should ask her rational questions. The only way to stop drama is to go on the offensive with logic. You can shut down overemotional people pretty quick with the right questions. Eventually the drama stops one way or another. Either they learn and start approaching things in a more rational manner or they are completely unstable and end the relationship. Personally either option is better than dealing with drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 There are different kinds of relationships in this world and as you build a life independently away from school and college, you will see it for yourself. Some people thrive on conflict, I'm one of those myself. Yes it can manifest itself as drama when you are younger and don't know how to handle it. As you get older, you learn and understand how to deal with disagreements, you (and hopefully the woman you are with) learn to handle your own temper and don't just fly off the handle or become moody. A lot of people seek out conflict in life in different forms, search for new ways when they think the old ones are too tried and tested, want to reinvent the wheel, that kind of thing. Have you heard the expression 'you have to break eggs to make an omlette'? That's what it means. The difference between that and drama is that resolution needs to be productive. The reason behind the conflict needs to be a legitimate one, it's not an argument for argument sake, it's more about being very open about what you believe in and fight for it. In my experience I tend to have conflict in the beginning with someone especially as I tend to pick men who have their own mind and sometimes test and challenge. As we get to know each other, we usually learn each others communication styles and stop fighting more or less. We get to know each other and one person's combative feelings don't cause an argument. Others dislike conflict. They tend to be quieter. They accept things. They prefer an easier, quieter life. They are the peacemakers. Those that don't like making waves. That can have its advantages but often it can also mean that issues are brushed under the carpet, they don't get resolved because the person is too scared to upset their partner. So both seeking and avoiding conflict have their positives and negatives. Personally, I prefer to know where I stand with someone and how that person thinks of me or feels about me and I'm direct. I tend to like men who are the same. I also prefer a dynamic relationship where I feel I can express myself and would hope that the man I'm with feels the same. No eggshells but honest communication that can sometimes cause waves. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 It might be less about 'fighting' and more about passion. My girlfriends quite...feisty. I don't want to fight with her but I like that she cares enough about stuff, and is passionate enough about stuff, to fight over it. I think im pretty easy going, laid back most of the time, I don't seek conflict but I can see red if provoked. And I don't like to be surrounded by 'yes men' - I like people who'll stick to they're guns if they think i'm going wrong. Me and her don't fight much - but that's because we grew up together, I know her so well I know exactly what to say that would have her throwing the TV remote at my head in all of 180 seconds I don't obviously, same as she doesn't. But I love that she's passionate - its something I always found very attractive about her. I agree fighting loads in relationships isn't great, and if you never fight that's good providing your never fighting for the right reasons. If your simply never fighting because you are a peacekeeper (to borrow Emilia's wording ) to the extreme then I can see that if she's the opposite, it my generate friction, if for example she feels you back down too easily and mistakes that for feeling that you don't care about anything enough to fight for it. Personally, I know i'm like my granddad in every way, and I know my granddad could really bulldoze over 'weak' people, and I try not to do that but I know I could, particularly when I feel strongly about something. So I love that my gf would never take any s*** from me, ever! Maybe your girlfriend just wants you to stand up to her a little more. . If you are being submissive and she wants to fight badly enough... who knows how far she would go in order to get a rise out of you. I agree, you want to be careful about that. How far she'd push you to see exactly where you draw the line. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Arguing is not a necessary part of a healthy relationship, but healthy relationships do have arguments. I am worried that your gf thinks that arguments are necessary for some reason. I am concerned that she may feel that you are TOO passive? Not passionate enough? Too pollyanna (my gf called me this once, though I am far from it )? Link to post Share on other sites
SYLLPalmer Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Just some background information before I get started, ive been dating this girl for just under 8 months, I'm 18 and she's 17, so yeh we're both young and new to this whole relationship thing. Anyway, it was something she said the other day when we were talking and the topic of fighting came up. She said, "I don't think we fight enough" - this of course stumped me because hey, a relationship with minimal fighting is a great thing right? I know that fighting within a relationship isn't the end of the world and that it can actually be a good thing, and we've had a few non major hiccups along the way, but I don't really understand why she specifically said that we don't fight enough. She's one of those girls who when in the wrong mood can be quite sharp and frustrating, and she's told me that it's just in her nature to sometimes want to pick a fight - don't get me wrong here, it's not like she's some crazy aggressive nutcase, she's a wonderfully kind person, I'm just not to sure what to make of this. I'm one of those guys who doesn't like to see people upset so naturally I do what ever I can to avoid conflicts when possible, so maybe this is a contributing factor? Basically I'm clueless and could use some help from you more experienced people out there! Thanks for taking the time to read this! I had this complaint when I was young. You know what it is? She feels she is not getting enough attention. The yelling and fighting indicates passion to her but you can appease her in other ways. My first boyfriend used to be bop in between me and his best friend. I hated it. Why couldn't we just all kick it together. Anyway this may be the key, how you get around the problem is up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 All healthy relationships have some conflict. The key is learning how to manage it without destroying the relationship. Your girlfriend sounds like she wants to have a fight so she can have the Drama. As others have said. Ask her if something is really bothering her, is there something to fight about? If not, then logically you shouldn't fight. Just be in the relationship long enough and there will be something to fight about. Beware that women will do things to cause drama. They do this unconciously, just as a man checks out a womans backside, they create drama. If they say they don't want drama, RUN. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Break her off a piece. Let her have a little. Always seems to straighten them out. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Just some background information before I get started, ive been dating this girl for just under 8 months, I'm 18 and she's 17, so yeh we're both young and new to this whole relationship thing. Anyway, it was something she said the other day when we were talking and the topic of fighting came up. She said, "I don't think we fight enough" - this of course stumped me because hey, a relationship with minimal fighting is a great thing right? I know that fighting within a relationship isn't the end of the world and that it can actually be a good thing, and we've had a few non major hiccups along the way, but I don't really understand why she specifically said that we don't fight enough. She's one of those girls who when in the wrong mood can be quite sharp and frustrating, and she's told me that it's just in her nature to sometimes want to pick a fight - don't get me wrong here, it's not like she's some crazy aggressive nutcase, she's a wonderfully kind person, I'm just not to sure what to make of this. I'm one of those guys who doesn't like to see people upset so naturally I do what ever I can to avoid conflicts when possible, so maybe this is a contributing factor? Basically I'm clueless and could use some help from you more experienced people out there! Thanks for taking the time to read this! the youth definitely explains this ridiculousness. there is not much joy in fighting and drama when you're part of a healthy relationship. disagreements are expected, but you don't have to have them with any regularity. maybe she is used to that dynamic in her family/between her parents so she has come to expect that as normal in a relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Break her off a piece. Let her have a little. Always seems to straighten them out. You mean a little of this for when she ask too many questions... Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Not arguing is boring and dispassionate. Passionate-you care Dispassionate=you dont care Some people get sexual enjoyment from arguing, make up sex, etc. If you are not having disagreements, then resentment can boil beneath the surface. Things that should be addressed are not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Mature conflict resolution is a must in a relationship. I don't think couples should yell or name-call. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Sounds to me like she is dysfunctional. I bet her parents fought her whole life, so she established that people in relationships are SUPPOSED to fight. Pretty stupid thing to say if you ask me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 It sounds like she enjoys drama. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Woop1337 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 She sounds like a crazy person. You should ignore for her for a couple of days for even saying crazy things like that. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Drama Queen! I would run if I were you. Can you imagine coming home from a hard days work to a woman who likes to argue and fight? Not a happy place to rest. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Not arguing is boring and dispassionate. Passionate-you care Dispassionate=you dont care Some people get sexual enjoyment from arguing, make up sex, etc. If you are not having disagreements, then resentment can boil beneath the surface. Things that should be addressed are not. I wanted to ignore this, but couldn't. Arguing is not equal to having disagreements. Everyone has disagreements sometimes, but to suggest that there is no passion in a relationship w/o arguing is not healthy or wise. Link to post Share on other sites
CptSaveAho Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 and you "nice" guys wonder why you are single... posting on here this girl gave him the key to the castle at 18.... girls want to fight, if she picks a fight she knows shes wrong on, "lets get ready to rumble" should be screaming through your head and make sure you win that fight I wanted to ignore this, but couldn't. Arguing is not equal to having disagreements. Everyone has disagreements sometimes, but to suggest that there is no passion in a relationship w/o arguing is not healthy or wise. yawn.................................................. blind leading the blind Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Some people really do thrive on conflict and it's not necessarily "unhealthy". There should be some balance but for some it is a natural dynamic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Nine times out of 10 people who love drama are the types who have never been in a situation where they have dealt with real drama and were powerless to stop it. Some of the calmest and peaceful people I have seen have also been through hell and back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 (edited) and you "nice" guys wonder why you are single... posting on here this girl gave him the key to the castle at 18.... girls want to fight, if she picks a fight she knows shes wrong on, "lets get ready to rumble" should be screaming through your head and make sure you win that fight yawn.................................................. blind leading the blind I have always successfully dated, married for 12+ years and currently with an awesome woman. Hmmmm, it sounds like I've been doing a lot right! BTW, what in the heck are you talking about? How are you, be clear, disagreeing with what I said? It is down right silly to suggest that a successful relations NECESSARILY requires the existence of arguments. Edited January 8, 2014 by soccerrprp Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Being passionate as opposed to being a nag is very different. Passion is tracing the contours of her body and wanting to touch and devour her, or believing with conviction of an idea or dogma. Nagging and arguing is annoying if it isn't true intellectual pursuit. You decide on what you find to be appropriate boundaries and you follow those boundaries and you argue very little. However,your passion goes through the roof because you are with someone you respect and adore and want to pleasure... So I will disagree that passion is arguing over silly trivial stuff. Passion in arguing intellectual matters is fun, not annoying because it is usually intellectual pursuits, not jealousy or intrigue due to exes or affairs or wanting to get your way due to your own self esteem issues or ego problems. Drama for dramas sake is pedantic. IMHO, G 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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