Get Back With Ex Or Not?

[renee2004]

Okay, I have a difficult decision on my hands.. hopefully someone here will be able to offer me some advice because I don't think i'm dealing with my relationships very well at the moment.

 

I had an on/off relationship with a guy for about a year, it was on/off because he seemed to have a significant problem with commitment phobia, every time we seemed to be getting somewhere he'd freak out and break it off. The last time he broke up with me was in June and it was a particularly painful break up because it was the weekend he said he'd take me away for my birthday, and instead he dumped me!! Anyway, we have remained close and speak on the phone most days and see each other occasionally.

 

Recently I started to date a guy who my ex knows through friends, they are not close friends at all. My ex told me he heard bits and pieces about me and this guy... and now over the past few weeks, a bit coincidental I think, my ex has taken on a renewed interest in me, and is pursuing me like he never has before. He has told me he loves me which he never said before, gave me flowers, and he said he always has been in love with me (for the past 1.5years) but was too scared to let me know or admit it to himself because every time he has loved someone he got hurt.

 

So anyway, this new guy i've been seeing is the sweetest nicest guy I have met in a long time and I know he would never hurt me, and he is not commitment phobic... however, I had extremely strong feelings for my ex and I think I still do, it's difficult with him because he has some very strong good points, but then some equally strong bad points... even though he hurt me so many times before I feel curious as to whether it might be different this time if he truly does really love me and is ready for a relationship like he says he is. I know I have already spent a year in the past trying to make him commit to me but got hurt so many times by him in the process, so this is what is holding me back from him, I don't want to get hurt again! But now he says he is sure this time he will commit to me and make it up to me and never hurt me again.... AARRRGH what do I do?

[uriel]

Leave your ex alone. He will gut you every, single time. His behavior is pattern commitmentphobia.

 

Read Steven Carter's Men Who Can't Love. That will outline the pattern for you and help you to see that his return isn't about love for you -- it's about fear for himself. He doesn't want your attention turning toward someone else. He wants to stay in control, knowing that you are always there as a fallback option. That boosts his self-esteem.

 

It doesn't mean, however, that he will ever do right by you. As soon as you return his affection and he gets what he wants, he'll dump you again. He's got some real problems and can't help it. He begins to get critical of you and feel like you are suffocating him with your expectations.

 

You, on the other hand, are a passive cp. Men who are emotionally messed up are more exciting. You feel fear and excitment. If a guy like that wants you, you must really have something. What you actually have is a big signal that beckons to this emotional predators.

 

Go with the nice, sweet guy and work out your own issues about this attraction to men who can't love. You don't need your ex to do that. In fact, absolutely no contact is the only way to heal from someone like this.

 

Believe me, I've been in your shoes -- more than once.

 

-- uriel

[renee2004]

Thanks for your advice Uriel... I will try to get my hands on that book so I can figure this all out!!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by uriel

You, on the other hand, are a passive cp. Men who are emotionally messed up are more exciting. You feel fear and excitment. If a guy like that wants you, you must really have something. What you actually have is a big signal that beckons to this emotional predators.

 

Go with the nice, sweet guy and work out your own issues about this attraction to men who can't love. You don't need your ex to do that. In fact, absolutely no contact is the only way to heal from someone like this.

 

Believe me, I've been in your shoes -- more than once.

 

-- uriel

 

nice and sweet guys and gals are boring and lack excitement and challenge. that is why few people are interested in them. the new nice dude she is seeing will commit to her in an instant, now where is the fun of the chase in that??? B-O-R-I-N-G-G-G!!!!

 

no one wants anyone that is too easy to get. and we as humans value what is hard to get and achieve. Why is a PhD so valuable? cause they are hard to get. Why does a doctor make $500,000 per year? cause it is a hard profession to get into. why do women value good looking and successful men? cause they are hard to get and not too many of 'em around.

 

IT IS ALL ABOUT HUMAN NATURE.