Do they attempt to come back after Goodbye??

[Rollercoaster Rider]

I posted my story and comment from time to time. I am 25 days NC today. When we said our Goodbye, he told me I could call him if I needed to. So many times I wanted to call but, have fought off the urges. Although this is a good thing, and things needed to end...I struggle so badly with it all.

 

 

I can't even begin to count how many times we have ended things. Over 3.5 years, at least 30 times...pretty pathetic I know! But, the longest we ever went without talking was maybe 5 days. I am currently 5x that now.

 

 

The fear that I am holding onto is... I am scared that I am going to start feeling better, living my life, and out of nowhere he is going to call. I don't know how to get past this and I feel like it's preventing me from moving forward. You would think after all that has happened, I would just know he isn't going to call and move forward. Maybe it is holding on to the HOPE he will call?

 

 

Everyone's situation is different... just looking for some insight I guess.. how do you move past this??

[Wambo]

To answer your question in your title. Yes there is a good chance he will break NC.

[Cocochai]

It's hard to break the habit but yes... They break NC.

 

If your not posing a risk like causing drama or asking for a lot... Yes they will be back unless they are truly working towards fixing the M.

 

If your truly over it then you wouldn't care either way but I see your asking so you do care. We've all been through this before and many times with NC.

 

 

Good luck to whatever decisions you decide on but stay true to what you think you deserve out of it. Whether to stay NC or whatever.

[whichwayisup]

I hope he doesn't contact you and this is it. Finally over, the end so you can let go of hope and truly grieve the loss, get him out of your heart.

 

Why not change your email address, your cell number so it's really hard for him to contact you? That is, if you really want it over, it'll be over.

 

Be strong and most of all, know that you're going to be okay. Fight to get your life back to where it once was...No pain, no roller coaster ride, no more affair dynamic or him in it.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

One week after d day 1 and Yeah two months after d day 2, he came looking for me. Still he isn't leaving though.

Wow...sounds like he's not going away easily!

[Rollercoaster Rider]

It's hard to break the habit but yes... They break NC.

 

If your not posing a risk like causing drama or asking for a lot... Yes they will be back unless they are truly working towards fixing the M.

 

If your truly over it then you wouldn't care either way but I see your asking so you do care. We've all been through this before and many times with NC.

 

 

Good luck to whatever decisions you decide on but stay true to what you think you deserve out of it. Whether to stay NC or whatever.

He may finally be working on his marriage..not sure. Towards the end he really distanced himself. I shouldn't care, but i do. I will not call him though, I won't allow myself. Right now I'm trying to just keep busy and work on my own marriage, but that still doesn't block the thoughts and feelings. :-)

[Cocochai]

He may finally be working on his marriage..not sure. Towards the end he really distanced himself. I shouldn't care, but i do. I will not call him though, I won't allow myself. Right now I'm trying to just keep busy and work on my own marriage, but that still doesn't block the thoughts and feelings. :-)

 

Well... According to most M's it's a work in progress and a zebra doesn't change it's strips over night so hopefully he'll work on the M, and you can heal and move on.

 

It's hard but not impossible

[Rollercoaster Rider]

I hope he doesn't contact you and this is it. Finally over, the end so you can let go of hope and truly grieve the loss, get him out of your heart.

 

Why not change your email address, your cell number so it's really hard for him to contact you? That is, if you really want it over, it'll be over.

 

Be strong and most of all, know that you're going to be okay. Fight to get your life back to where it once was...No pain, no roller coaster ride, no more affair dynamic or him in it.

We never contacted via email, so i'm good there. I have thought about changing my number, but I would have to explain that to my husband and I also am job searching and use that as my contact. But, that is definitely something I may do if I find myself dwelling much longer.

I am trying my hardest to stay strong! Today is just one of those down days.

 

Thank you :-) :-)

[Rollercoaster Rider]

Actually the pain of not being with him was greater than the pain being with him. He is my every thought every minute of the day and has been for years. I don't think sometimes I will ever be able to get over it.

Yes..I can relate to this. One stupid phone call somehow made it better... so sad!

[wanting more]

Mine tried Contacting me after almost 6 months of NC. Tried quite a few times. I called and left him a voicemail that if he called me again I would call his BS and let her know. He continued calling and leaving messages on my work phone in the middle of the night.

 

I saw him a little over a year after 2nd d-day. He walked up to me like we were friends. I let him know there would not be anything between us.

 

I still get an occasional hang up on my phone. It could be him. It might not be him.

 

After the 2nd d-day, he hurt me so bad I didn't know how I'd survive. I cried when I woke up. I had to leave work meetings because I'd start crying. Id cry in the tub so no one could hear me

 

 

After a while I realized I was crying for someone who'd hurt me more than I thought I could hurt. It didn't take me long after 2nd d-day to realize he was not worth my tears.

 

As long as you keep the thought in your head "what if he calls, I won't be able to handle it". You won't be able to handle it.

 

He's made his choice on where he wants to be. Make your own choice to move on. Get him out Your mind. Don't let him get to you the way you're letting him.

 

Once you decide to move on, he can't work his way back into your life. Now. In 6 months. It a year.

[RickFox]

and I always wondered if xmw would attempt contact even after the last go round..... but then I can no longer concern myself with it. I'll cross that bridge should it ever happen.....

[Rollercoaster Rider]

Mine tried Contacting me after almost 6 months of NC. Tried quite a few times. I called and left him a voicemail that if he called me again I would call his BS and let her know. He continued calling and leaving messages on my work phone in the middle of the night.

 

I saw him a little over a year after 2nd d-day. He walked up to me like we were friends. I let him know there would not be anything between us.

 

I still get an occasional hang up on my phone. It could be him. It might not be him.

 

After the 2nd d-day, he hurt me so bad I didn't know how I'd survive. I cried when I woke up. I had to leave work meetings because I'd start crying. Id cry in the tub so no one could hear me

 

 

After a while I realized I was crying for someone who'd hurt me more than I thought I could hurt. It didn't take me long after 2nd d-day to realize he was not worth my tears.

 

As long as you keep the thought in your head "what if he calls, I won't be able to handle it". You won't be able to handle it.

 

He's made his choice on where he wants to be. Make your own choice to move on. Get him out Your mind. Don't let him get to you the way you're letting him.

 

Once you decide to move on, he can't work his way back into your life. Now. In 6 months. It a year.

Very true... Thank you :-)

[Daisy2013]

Yes, they do. Even after they ditch you gain and again. When it hurts enough, you will find strength to keep that NC.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

If you havent blocked his # then youre still leaving the door open. If you block.him, you will feel so strong. IMO its not true NC if you havent blocked his #. Very few OW are strong enough to ignore the inevitable call. Blocking his# will stop your mind from always wondering, worrying, even hoping he will call. You just need to take that ability away from him.

I agree totally. I haven't blocked his number because I know he will never call me from his personal phone, we already got caught that way. And he did have a work phone, but he supposedly turned it in. Not sure if he did, but I will definitely block that number just in case :-) :-)

[MissBee]

I posted my story and comment from time to time. I am 25 days NC today. When we said our Goodbye, he told me I could call him if I needed to. So many times I wanted to call but, have fought off the urges. Although this is a good thing, and things needed to end...I struggle so badly with it all.

 

 

I can't even begin to count how many times we have ended things. Over 3.5 years, at least 30 times...pretty pathetic I know! But, the longest we ever went without talking was maybe 5 days. I am currently 5x that now.

 

 

The fear that I am holding onto is... I am scared that I am going to start feeling better, living my life, and out of nowhere he is going to call. I don't know how to get past this and I feel like it's preventing me from moving forward. You would think after all that has happened, I would just know he isn't going to call and move forward. Maybe it is holding on to the HOPE he will call?

 

 

Everyone's situation is different... just looking for some insight I guess.. how do you move past this??

 

 

Hope is always the hard part of any break up IME.

 

When you have even a bit of hope or fantasy that they will return it does keep you stuck and leaving the door open for that off chance.

 

But time does really make a difference and you just have to take each day as it comes and focus on that day and moving on for that day. Trying to imagine next month or next year or what will happen if he pops up 3 years from now is only going to cause more anxiety as you don't have any information besides what you can imagine and project and it can be overwhelming and plain unfounded.

 

If you have moved on genuinely, even if he pops up it won't actually matter. So no use worrying about that. Just take each day as a step in the right direction and worry about each day and taking care of yourself in that day and eventually with time it will become more natural and the hope will wane. There is no way to get rid of hope miraculously and quickly, it's just a part of the process that it goes the way of the buffalo with time.

[Learningtoletgo]

I'm somewhat new to this site...well, when it comes to posting. I've been reading for a long time. Sorry about any grammar/ spelling errors. I am on my cell phone.

 

I am not married, but might as well be since I've been with my SO for about 12 years and we have a child together.

 

I have been in nc with my mm since September, so for about 4 1/2 months. Nc stemmed from him quitting his job. We worked together, but his departure was not really because of me, at least I don't think it was. He was offered a position elsewhere that was a better position closer to his home. During the time that he decided to leave, we were on very good terms. We worked very, very hard on controlling our emotions by limiting contact throughout affair along with no ily's or any of that. Although I'm pretty sure he had better control than I did.

 

On the day that he told me he was leaving (which was basically our last time we really communicated) I was very upset but I guess deep down I knew in a way it was a blessing. I've spent enough time reading on here to see how workplace affairs end up. Anyway, he told me about his quitting through a work email (which we never used throughout the affair because work emails are so dangerous.) Anyway, he did say in the email 2 or 3 times that we would stay in touch, and although I think he really did mean it at the time that he wrote it, deep down I knew it was the end. I just wrote one email back that said "no matter what happens, I want you to know that I wish you all the best". And although I was a bit upset about how he told me about his leaving, I am happy that I was able to end it amicably.

 

So that was four months ago, and beside a "just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas text", there has been nothing. Like you, I know that this is the absolute right thing to do, and there is no chance that I will break nc,the thought of doing that scares the crap outta me for fear of the good or bad emotions that could follow. Plus, I cannot tell you how guilty I feel. being out of the affair for four months now, it makes me sick to think about what I have done to his wife, my so, and child. It's just awful.

 

The reason why I wanted to post on your thread is because I completely understand everything you are feeling. even with horrendous feelings of guilt, and knowing this is the right thing to do, I, too, am battling the feelings of hope that we one day may connect again. Im trying to treat those feelings, though, as a drug addict would treat a craving during recovery. I feel the desire, but I don't dwell on it or act on it. At some point, the feelings of hope and desire and longing pass. Usually because I'm preoccupied with other things. Then they come back again, and I repeat the process. Ugggh, it's still an all day battle, but I know I'm healing slowly but surely because I'm thinking and hoping about him less than I was 4 months ago, but I still have a long way to go.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

I'm somewhat new to this site...well, when it comes to posting. I've been reading for a long time. Sorry about any grammar/ spelling errors. I am on my cell phone.

 

I am not married, but might as well be since I've been with my SO for about 12 years and we have a child together.

 

I have been in nc with my mm since September, so for about 4 1/2 months. Nc stemmed from him quitting his job. We worked together, but his departure was not really because of me, at least I don't think it was. He was offered a position elsewhere that was a better position closer to his home. During the time that he decided to leave, we were on very good terms. We worked very, very hard on controlling our emotions by limiting contact throughout affair along with no ily's or any of that. Although I'm pretty sure he had better control than I did.

 

On the day that he told me he was leaving (which was basically our last time we really communicated) I was very upset but I guess deep down I knew in a way it was a blessing. I've spent enough time reading on here to see how workplace affairs end up. Anyway, he told me about his quitting through a work email (which we never used throughout the affair because work emails are so dangerous.) Anyway, he did say in the email 2 or 3 times that we would stay in touch, and although I think he really did mean it at the time that he wrote it, deep down I knew it was the end. I just wrote one email back that said "no matter what happens, I want you to know that I wish you all the best". And although I was a bit upset about how he told me about his leaving, I am happy that I was able to end it amicably.

 

So that was four months ago, and beside a "just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas text", there has been nothing. Like you, I know that this is the absolute right thing to do, and there is no chance that I will break nc,the thought of doing that scares the crap outta me for fear of the good or bad emotions that could follow. Plus, I cannot tell you how guilty I feel. being out of the affair for four months now, it makes me sick to think about what I have done to his wife, my so, and child. It's just awful.

 

The reason why I wanted to post on your thread is because I completely understand everything you are feeling. even with horrendous feelings of guilt, and knowing this is the right thing to do, I, too, am battling the feelings of hope that we one day may connect again. Im trying to treat those feelings, though, as a drug addict would treat a craving during recovery. I feel the desire, but I don't dwell on it or act on it. At some point, the feelings of hope and desire and longing pass. Usually because I'm preoccupied with other things. Then they come back again, and I repeat the process. Ugggh, it's still an all day battle, but I know I'm healing slowly but surely because I'm thinking and hoping about him less than I was 4 months ago, but I still have a long way to go.

Exactlly...a drug addict! That's how I feel. I'm currently not working, and have all the time in the world to dwell...and get mad...cry...repeat :-) I hope with time it gets better. From most I read it does get easier with time. Stick to the NC and keep busy are the tools I suppose :-) Stay strong... I know I'm trying to.

[Learningtoletgo]

Yes, it slowly gets better. Stay strong!!!!!!!!

[Lady2163]

I posted my story and comment from time to time. I am 25 days NC today. When we said our Goodbye, he told me I could call him if I needed to. So many times I wanted to call but, have fought off the urges. Although this is a good thing, and things needed to end...I struggle so badly with it all.

 

 

I can't even begin to count how many times we have ended things. Over 3.5 years, at least 30 times...pretty pathetic I know! But, the longest we ever went without talking was maybe 5 days. I am currently 5x that now.

 

 

The fear that I am holding onto is... I am scared that I am going to start feeling better, living my life, and out of nowhere he is going to call. I don't know how to get past this and I feel like it's preventing me from moving forward. You would think after all that has happened, I would just know he isn't going to call and move forward. Maybe it is holding on to the HOPE he will call?

 

 

Everyone's situation is different... just looking for some insight I guess.. how do you move past this??

 

 

Yes, they often come back - as do OW/OM. The innocent 'Happy New Year' or 'Congrats, I hear you got a promotion' are not really innocent texts, but what I call a pulse check.

 

This may be the time for you to start laying the groundwork of, 'i'm getting a lot of wrong number or telemarketer calls."

 

Many eons ago, a boyfriend broke up with me. I pined for him and dreamed he would knock on my door some night. It was unhealthy. It wasn't until I moved, changed jobs a couple of times and changed phone numbers that I really started to heal. It took years for all that to happen. But once I knew he COULDNT find me, I was better. This is a before Facebook and a lot of other stuff.

[dustystar]

Wow, 30 times in 3.5 years. I'm glad I'm not alone. I lied when I said I was done with my MM last month. I'm super weak. It's been almost 2.5 years and I've broken up with him at least 20 times. I feel hopeless. After the last time, I feel like giving up. He needs to break it off because I cannot do it permanently. It's so tough.

 

 

Despite my shortcomings, you can do it, OP. So many others have, so you can too!

[Rollercoaster Rider]

Wow, 30 times in 3.5 years. I'm glad I'm not alone. I lied when I said I was done with my MM last month. I'm super weak. It's been almost 2.5 years and I've broken up with him at least 20 times. I feel hopeless. After the last time, I feel like giving up. He needs to break it off because I cannot do it permanently. It's so tough.

 

 

Despite my shortcomings, you can do it, OP. So many others have, so you can too!

Likely he will not break it off... just my experience. You need to find the strength and just do it... it's not easy but it does start to get a little better as time passes. I'm at a month tomorrow! Longest we ever went without talking was 5 days! I almost feel like a deserve to reward myself..LOL!

Don't give up... just want more for yourself!