Do the abusers actually like abusing?

[Editbee]

Thought I've never been involved in an abusive relationship (only with a cheater who I dumped right away), it makes me wonder sometimes what exactly do these abusers feel when they're not only making their victims feel bad and insulting them but also reinforcing fear in them?? Is it really fun for them doing the abuse? I think I'll never understand what exactly is the abuser's nature and why do they think that you can love and still abuse the person you claimed to love. To me it sounds like hate.

 

I just don't understand how can someone abuse a living being with feelings and make her cry. Even if they had it bad at home, wouldn't the fact they obviously didn't like the abuse they received and lived in fear be enough to know it's wrong to do that to someone else and actually become a better person and don't do what they didn't like??

 

BTW I do know there are certain female abusers and they are nasty too. I would sentence them the same way as a male abuser. Nothing funny about hurting and abusing a human being.

[Philosoraptor]

Only the sadistic would enjoy abusing others. But for many that's what they have been shown a healthy relationship looks like. Abusers and abusees often come from that type of environment as a child, and often model their relationship after what they see growing up.

 

This is why it is so important to show a healthy happy relationship to your children... as if you accept abuse the odds are your child will fall into the same pattern.

[carhill]

One potential is that they lessen their self-hatred, or hatred for their past abusers, temporarily by projecting the abuse outward, away from themselves. Other than the truly psychopathic, I seriously doubt any abuser 'likes' abusing. It's more like 'here, you take this shyte for awhile. I can't carry it anymore'.

 

Everyone loses.

[Editbee]

Other than the truly psychopathic, I seriously doubt any abuser 'likes' abusing. It's more like 'here, you take this shyte for awhile. I can't carry it anymore'.

 

Everyone loses.

Wouldn't that be very selfish? By doing that, they are saying that instead of working on the issue and go seek help, they would rather let someone innocent suffer. By letting the person take garbage from them, in a way they are feeding their own ego but it's still being selfish since it's all about their needs being met in a sick way (power and control) without thinking about the other person's feelings, needs, concerns, etc.

[carhill]

There is a marked difference, psychologically, between being 'selfish' (a valid point) and 'liking' to abuse people. A selfish person can certainly abuse people and can just as certainly be completely unaware of their behavior, as they are focused on self. Other considerations are irrelevant. In essence, the person experiencing abuse is merely collateral damage, unnoticed damage, of the preoccupation with self. Invisible, hence the infliction of pain upon them cannot be 'liked'.

[Grumpybutfun]

Edit bee

 

Abuse is cyclical, as philosoraptor said. The behaviors someone learns in childhood can leave a trace on their psyche and cause them to react to situations using the same coping skills their abuser showed them. The guilt and shame of an abuser is real, but is often not enough to stop these internal behaviors because they are caught up in the cycle of reacting in the only way they know.

The important thing to knows is that we cannot change an abuser no matter how much we love them. I hope you are safe...though you say you aren't with an abuser, it makes me think you are observing something like this.

Good luck,

G

Edited January 7, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[Editbee]

This is why it is so important to show a healthy happy relationship to your children... as if you accept abuse the odds are your child will fall into the same pattern.

True and from what I've noticed, the exceptional individuals that care about becoming a better person and not inflicting the same abuse are mainly women; they have more chances of breaking that cycle than men. For instance, I have a friend who was abused by her mother from her early years till she was 13. From everything she told me once, her mother would come home drunk and hit her, dragged her by the hair, punch her, belted her or even wished she had never been born, how much she hates her, etc. She grew up becoming better than her mother and is even against child abuse, explains how she resents her mother greatly (though the mother has recently apologized for all the abuse and is remorseful) and never wishes to inflict pain by the time she had kids. She loves animals too.

 

On the other hand, if a boy is abused, he'll grow up to abuse his gf/wife and even his own child too. He still lacks empathy even when he had suffered from his early years and know how bad it was.

Edited January 7, 2014 by Editbee

[Grumpybutfun]

True and from what I've noticed, the exceptional individuals that care about becoming a better person and not inflicting the same abuse are mainly women; they have more chances of breaking that cycle than men. For instance, I have a friend who was abused by her mother from her early years till she was 13. From everything she told me once, her mother would come home drunk and hit her, dragged her by the hair, punch her, belted her or even wished she had never been born, how much she hates her, etc. She grew up becoming better than her mother and is even against child abuse, explains how she resents her mother greatly (though the mother has recently apologized for all the abuse and is remorseful) and never wishes to inflict pain by the time she had kids. She loves animals too.

 

On the other hand, if a boy is abused, he'll grow up to abuse his gf/wife and even his own child too. He still lacks empathy even when he had suffered from his early years and know how bad it was.

 

My observations have been the opposite..more female abusers due to them having fuller access to children. Gender certainly is relevant, but by no means a deciding factor is who will grow up to become an abuser.

G

[Philosoraptor]

True and from what I've noticed, the exceptional individuals that care about becoming a better person and not inflicting the same abuse are mainly women; they have more chances of breaking that cycle than men. For instance, I have a friend who was abused by her mother from her early years till she was 13. From everything she told me once, her mother would come home drunk and hit her, dragged her by the hair, punch her, belted her or even wished she had never been born, how much she hates her, etc. She grew up becoming better than her mother and is even against child abuse, explains how she resents her mother greatly (though the mother has recently apologized for all the abuse and is remorseful) and never wishes to inflict pain by the time she had kids. She loves animals too.

 

On the other hand, if a boy is abused, he'll grow up to abuse his gf/wife and even his own child too. He still lacks empathy even when he had suffered from his early years and know how bad it was.

While I'm happy for your friend I'd say that each is able to control their own destiny and alter their patterns. Some women break the cycle just like some men do, and your comment comes off as very biased.

[carhill]

To use a phrase from my 'day', 'OK, son, go out and pick a branch off the tree. That's the one you're gonna get'

 

Now, I didn't experience this growing up but friends certainly did, which is where I heard the phrase. Did dad 'like' taking a tree branch to them? Unknown. He certainly didn't appear to be smiling when he did. In fact, the expressions I generally noted were neutral to unhappy.

 

Yes, there are sadists amongst us; people who truly enjoy brutalizing others. Are they common, even amongst the population who demonstrate abusive tendencies or actions? IMO, no.

[M30USA]

They don't enjoy instilling fear, primarily. It's about the power and control. The fear is secondary; it's necessary to achieve power and control but still secondary as a motive.

Edited January 7, 2014 by M30USA