No Contact is not ALWAYS the answer

[heart attack kid]

Now I am in the same position as many others on this site and others searching for answers on how to get their ex back. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and what you learn about yourself and other people is truly remarkable, bad or good. It's a delicate thing because deep down, you know there's a reason this happened but for the most part the dumpee has been in denial while the dumper has been contemplating it for a while. This is why it is seemingly easier for them to move on while you are left in a state of confusion, sadness, and torment. You had not prepared for this. You kept telling yourself, things are fine, we'll be ok, but it reality you know things were not fine, and stepping back and looking at things objectively this becomes clear. So why do you want to get back together?

 

This is the question and the answer can be one of many things. It could be you were so comfortable and used to your life, you simply don't want things to change up "your routine". It could be you are needy and can't stand the thought of being alone. It could be you just want to "win" and are upset the other person took control before you did, in other words, you want to be the dumper. All of these are the wrong reasons to want to get back together and you need to look deep inside to come to grips with the reality of it. Now, if you look long and hard at the both of you and still deep down know that there is a flickering flame of love that can still grow into a raging fire, the rest of this advice is for you.

 

I will give a brief account of my situation because the important thing to realize also is, while all of this advice out there can be helpful, no situation is the same therefore there is no one "rule" or "process" to get back together with one's ex. We are completely different individuals with completely different relationships and so many dynamics come into play, it's impossible for there to be a one size fits all mentality. Some of the most important factors that determine your approach are: age, length of relationship, life status (kids, careers, religion), and distance between you.

 

My live in girlfriend of 7 years told me she was moving back into her condo down the street from our house. She told her renters to find a new place and that was that. This was in October. For 2 months I did everything I could to convince her not to make this move. I cried, wrote emails, took her to dinner, tried to rationalize until I was talking in circles and not making sense. In fact, she told me I was driving myself crazy. Regardless she made the move mid December and it was traumatizing. Why did she do this? Only she knows the real reasons but I have my suspicions which I believe are very close to the truth. She didn't feel that I loved her, I never proposed to her, I just wanted someone around and it didn't matter if it was her or not. She made her decision during a week long stupid fight (they are almost always over stupid things and they are never the real reason for the breakup).

 

After talking with friends and scouring the internet for what to do now, I was convinced no contact was my only option. This would make her miss me and come running back. Using no contact as a means to get back with your ex is not healthy, even if it seems to work. But because of my unique situation and I'm sure there are others with similar ones, it just didn't feel right. I guess I had a head start with the 2 month notice that she would be moving out, however I was in denial that it would actually happen, and when it did, it might as well been the first time I was aware. No contact is a very powerful tactic to help you heal and move on, there is no denying that. But I think if there is any hope of continuing the relationship or you sense there are things you can adjust about yourself, not change yourself, but adjust your perspective, then you need to MAKE it happen, it will not happen on it's own. Missing you is one thing which will happen to the dumper if you spent any significant time together, but wanting you back is another. For them to want you back, you need to stay in their life and demonstrate you can be the one for them, even after all you've been through.

 

This is not easy, I realize that. It may be harder than no contact. Getting crumbs from your ex to make you hope is tough. The keys to this technique are respect, confidence, patience, and love. You need to respect the decision by your ex. You have to understand this was not easy for them to do but they felt they had to. You cannot change their mind by talking them out of it, they need to feel it. Confidence, you need to be able to confidently contact your ex without expectations, demands, or hope for immediate reconciliation. You need to be smart about everything you say and do. Your desperation must be put aside, even if you are feeling it, and show you are OK apart but still want to be in their lives. Patience, we all want things back how they were NOW. But that's not realistic because how it was is no more and wasn't working anyway. You need to change your perspective and show you are willing to wait. Treat this person as a new potential mate. You wouldn't be forcing love on someone you just met right? And love, if you can somehow put aside all the negative feelings and show this person your heart is open and you truly care for them, and you forgive them and yourself.

 

None of this is easy, and I am no expert. This is just my experience and what I am currently going through myself. There are no guarantees that my ex and I will get back together, but by showing her I am her man through it all, and not just because I WANT her to stay seems to be making an impression. No Contact is something that can certainly help people heal, learn, and grow to get past a break up but I would say as a technique to get back your lover, it's best left to the high school kids.

Please share your thoughts and feelings. Stay strong people!

[barky2]

I don't think you'll ever hear one person say no contact is used to get your ex back.

 

It's a very successful tool that's used to get over a breakup and to move on.

 

After you've tried to get a ex back, contact them, beg and plead, it's only then after repeated times, you realize it's over and you go nc.

 

That's what nc is used for... If anyone thinks nc is used to get a ex back is in for a world of disappointment.

 

 

 

Barky

[mantlefan]

This is not easy, I realize that. It may be harder than no contact. Getting crumbs from your ex to make you hope is tough. The keys to this technique are respect, confidence, patience, and love. You need to respect the decision by your ex. You have to understand this was not easy for them to do but they felt they had to. You cannot change their mind by talking them out of it, they need to feel it. Confidence, you need to be able to confidently contact your ex without expectations, demands, or hope for immediate reconciliation. You need to be smart about everything you say and do. Your desperation must be put aside, even if you are feeling it, and show you are OK apart but still want to be in their lives. Patience, we all want things back how they were NOW. But that's not realistic because how it was is no more and wasn't working anyway. You need to change your perspective and show you are willing to wait. Treat this person as a new potential mate. You wouldn't be forcing love on someone you just met right? And love, if you can somehow put aside all the negative feelings and show this person your heart is open and you truly care for them, and you forgive them and yourself.

 

 

 

A lot of the things you say here I think are actually better served by no contact. Respecting their decision, letting them figure it out themselves, wait for them, loving them. All of that leads to No Contact.

 

 

"I respect your decision to get me out of your life by showing you that I am worth taking back." It seems contradictory to me.

[heart attack kid]

You actually do hear this advice, it's all over the internet. Just do quick search on "no contact to get an ex back". And even if people don't think it, or tell themselves they are using it to better themselves, get over it, etc, deep down they want their ex to come running back. It's a game they are playing with themselves. And in the end, if hope for reconciliation is what you deep down crave, you will be sorely disappointed both if you never hear from your ex again, or you hear from your ex, but it's just because they want to know you are OK, not because they want you back in their lives.

 

Low contact can only really be done if you sense that your ex still loves you or at least still has feelings for you. Yes, friendship can be difficult, but staying in their lives is better than disappearing from it, IF you want to get them back. If you ex is telling you to leave them alone and they want nothing to do with you, yes, it's time to back off and move on. But if they are receptive even in the smallest ways, it's an open opportunity for you to stay in their lives. Things don't just happen by not doing anything, you have to make them happen. You just have to be very smart about it, don't play games, and be strong enough to accept things have changed between you and you interactions will not be like they used to. This is incredibly difficult as I know I am going through it right now.

 

Yes, you must respect their decision but it doesn't mean must die and disappear. But again, every situation is different. I just find the people who say "no contact is the only possible way to deal with a breakup" are speaking from a place of hurt and subjectivity.

[barky2]

". I just find the people who say "no contact is the only possible way to deal with a breakup" are speaking from a place of hurt and subjectivity."

 

 

I'm speaking from a place of having been thru it and completely indifferent

 

And it's not the " only way to deal with a breakup"

 

You can cry, be depressed, beg and plead, make a ass out of yourself ect

 

 

But it is the BEST healthy way to get over a breakup.

 

Without a doubt.

 

 

 

Barky

[heart attack kid]

The things is, I agree with you. But perhaps you are misunderstanding my circumstances. If absolute closure is what you know must happen, yes of course, hanging around your ex will only prolong the pain. I am speaking in situations where your ex simply became frustrated, confused, confined and needed to step away to access their emotions. And for the most part the dumpee probably felt this way too but was in denial. The space can be a good thing despite what many people think. And deciding you are going to completely ignore and remove this other person from your life is an immature and weak move IF you think there is a chance for reconciliation.

Showing you can remain strong WHILE staying in contact says a lot more to your EX. And by low contact I don't mean txting and calling everyday, showing up at her house, and baking them cookies. I mean no pressure communication displaying clear mind and healthy views about a bright future, remembering the good, never bringing up the bad.

[Keepsake]

". I just find the people who say "no contact is the only possible way to deal with a breakup" are speaking from a place of hurt and subjectivity."

 

 

I'm speaking from a place of having been thru it and completely indifferent

 

And it's not the " only way to deal with a breakup"

 

You can cry, be depressed, beg and plead, make a ass out of yourself ect

 

 

But it is the BEST healthy way to get over a breakup.

 

Without a doubt.

 

 

 

Barky

 

 

Barky,

 

while I agree with that, my question would be :

 

What if you know that they love you and you keep in LC? What if it didn't end all that badly and you want to try take it slow?

 

I understand that if they left you, that's there choice and it does hurt.

 

I would never use NC as a way to get anyone back. I firmly believe in honesty from both parties, I think that alone without all the anger and frustration puts both parties in a better place, either to move on or get back together.

 

By the way, I think you make a lot of people calm and rational on LS and that's a good thing.

 

God knows I a mess right now - and your post are very helpful but I think everyone must decides what best for them.

 

But, never beg, plead, stalk, scream, yell, send angry texts or emails... It helps no one..

 

Just my two cents....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/450482-heartbroken-lost

[mantlefan]

I have tried much contact, I have tried low contact.

 

 

Neither of those have gotten my ex back, and both of them have probably made it harder for us to be friends in the future.

 

 

I am on No Contact now. I still want her back, but that is fading. We both broke each other's trust, and I don't know if we can get that back.

 

 

If you love them and want them to be happy, bow out of their life. Maybe someday you will both find a way, whether it's just acquaintances or lovers, where it's best that both of you be in each others' lives. But without perspective gained from being out of each other's lives, you will never have a good basis to redefine what the involvement, if any, should be.

 

 

If you want them back, bow out of their life. If it is going to work you each need to figure yourselves out on your own. You can't figure out what you want if you are letting the old relationship cloud your mind.

 

 

If you want yourself to move on, no contact is obvious.

[polynomial]

All that breaking NC has achieved for me 4 times is us getting back together only to end it 4 months later. I think when someone needs to take a break, they should take a long one to sort themselves out and keeping contact, even low, will only come in the way of that. Just my experience. In the end you will do what your heart tells you to anyway. Best of luck

[barky2]

". I just find the people who say "no contact is the only possible way to deal with a breakup" are speaking from a place of hurt and subjectivity."

 

 

I'm speaking from a place of having been thru it and completely indifferent

 

And it's not the " only way to deal with a breakup"

 

You can cry, be depressed, beg and plead, make a ass out of yourself ect

 

 

But it is the BEST healthy way to get over a breakup.

 

Without a doubt.

 

 

 

Barky

 

 

 

What I say is m opinion, when I first came to LS I was a hard head " oh my story is different " ect.

 

I took it slow.

 

I got her back, many times.

 

And she left , many times.

 

It was me who put my foot down and said enoughs enough.

 

What I say is just to help, no one has to follow, everyone is free to make their own decisions.

 

Weither it goes good or bad I'll be here.

 

You can try nc,lc,nic... It doesn't matter.

 

Only thing that does if they decide to come back.

 

I think everyone can agree best way to deal with a break up is to heal,better yourself and move on.

 

That only can be achieved by having zero communication with them.

 

Or else you're stuck in limbo.

 

Reconciliations happen all the time.

 

I'm proof, as are a lot of the other members.

 

I just want everyone to be safe, deal with the demons of a breakup, and get happy again.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[heart attack kid]

Barky,

 

while I agree with that, my question would be :

 

What if you know that they love you and you keep in LC? What if it didn't end all that badly and you want to try take it slow?

 

I understand that if they left you, that's there choice and it does hurt.

 

I would never use NC as a way to get anyone back. I firmly believe in honesty from both parties, I think that alone without all the anger and frustration puts both parties in a better place, either to move on or get back together.

 

By the way, I think you make a lot of people calm and rational on LS and that's a good thing.

 

God knows I a mess right now - and your post are very helpful but I think everyone must decides what best for them.

 

But, never beg, plead, stalk, scream, yell, send angry texts or emails... It helps no one..

 

Just my two cents....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/450482-heartbroken-lost

 

Taking it slow is the only way to get back with an ex, there is no other option, well I guess no contact, but as I've stated it's not my preferred method. But, not to sound like a broken record, every situation is different. In my case, it was lack of affection, neglect, and basically a situation where we became roommates rather than lovers. Will this happen to every long term relationship at some point? Yes, but the key is to key things fresh and never lose perspective and appreciation for what you do have. I learned this the hard way. I had a beautiful, sweet girl waiting for me every night, and did not show how much that meant to me.

 

If I was to use a hard no contact stance, it would basically confirm her decision. That basically she would think, "now that I'm gone, it's really not worth it to him anymore". In other words all of my pleas and tears were an act of desperation, that I didn't want to be alone. By continuing to stay in her life, but changing my whole perspective, there is a sense that perhaps there still is something real here and there maybe happiness and a future to be had.

 

Can this go on forever, of course not. But at this point I am not ready to "let it go". Will the pain be perhaps worse down the road if I am still rejected or find she meets someone else? Perhaps, however I will be able to move on easier knowing I didn't leave anything on the table or left it all on the field if you prefer a sports reference. I will know how she truly feels with me putting my best most honest foot forward, and that if she still doesn't want me, it's truly not meant to be. Stepping away and hoping she changes her mind is a very big gamble when the truth is they might simply think, "I guess I wasn't worth it". this is just my opinion for anyone who might have a similar situation as me, by no means I am saying my method or any is the Best and Only way. If no contact feels right, and you want to hold on the thought of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" (which may be true but it certainly wont fix any of the problems you had in the relationship), then by all means follow it.

[barky2]

I agree with some of your perspective

 

But as a outsider who's seen this a million times, try and take in mine for a second.

 

You took her for granted.

 

I'm sure she knows this, as does her friends.

 

Her friends are going to tell her to find someone else.

 

She'll begin to date.

 

She'll go on a second date. Prince Charming is doing all what you didn't.

 

Meanwhile, your hanging around, being friendZoned.

 

Hoping and praying by you becoming NEEDY this will re attract her to you.

 

No.

 

It doesn't work that way.

 

You have to come to terms with, she will date,sleep, with other people.

 

And don't give me the " no she won't " bs because you think you're different.

 

Im trying to give you a harsh reality.

 

Do you want to stick around and hear all about her and her new boy toy going at it for hours?

 

I didn't think so.

 

My opinion is this, and take it for what it's worth,

 

Let her know how you feel, let her know where you messed up. Tell her if shed ever like to try again m, to hit you up.

 

Then begin NC.

 

Because Ima tell you what op, stick around clinging like you are....one day you'll hear news that you don't want to hear.

 

Leave the ball in her court and walk away, don't contact her, let her think about it, begin your healing process and carry on with your life.

 

Harsh, but I'm looking out for you.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[mtnbiker3000]

No offense OP but those of us who have been around here a few months or longer see new people come on here all the time and say how they don't agree with NC, or it's not the best way to handle being dumped, etc... You are not the first and you won't be the last. But you are up against the experience of many, many other people who have been through it, and have realized NC is the best / only way to heal as quickly and completely as possible... Those who have been here and been through it (some multiple times with the same ex) will ALWAYS say NC is the way to go. ALWAYS.

[Never Again]

Whether you like what Barky's telling you or not, he's got it right.

 

People breakup, and get back together, for tons of reasons.

 

Doesn't change the fact that a breakup sucks. It hurts. It's a glass sliver that drives itself deep into your chest.

 

No Contact is not meant to get your ex back - however, it's usually the only thing that CAN. No Contact lets you heal and keeps you from seeing the sh*t you really don't want to, and it gives your ex what they wanted - life without you.

 

If they decide to come back once they've seen the world without you in it, then all the better. If they don't, then you've healed and grown enough where it won't matter anymore.

 

I can tell you firsthand that Barky's advice here is golden.

 

Lay ALL your cards out on the table...once. Shed some tears if you need to, tell them that you own up to the mistakes you made and that you'd like to work it out, and walk away. Then you know, without a doubt, that they know how you feel and you didn't leave anything unsaid.

[heart attack kid]

Barky,

I hear you and appreciate what you say, I do. I understand all of the pitfalls by remaining in her life. However just some reference on us, we are a bit older. She is 36 divorced with one girl and I am 38. She ended her marriage which she says was because she tried to make it work because she was pregnant but never really loved him. With me, it's much different. She truly loved me and always extended herself more than me. I was "too cool" and liked my independence more than the relationship for the first few years we lived apart. She always wanted more. I am not the most affectionate person to be honest but by the time I made the commitment to move to her town and into a house together, I felt that was all that I needed to do. It obviously takes more than that. Believe me, this break up has me questioning everything. Maybe I really don't love her or maybe I just do like having someone, anyone around. But as it turns out, I really do love her and want her my life permanently.

 

As far as her dating other guys and even sleeping with others, of course there is a potential for this, even if she denies interest in anyone else. She is an attractive woman and every guy she meets would want a chance with her. If she hadn't told me she still loved me, cried on multiple occasions when talking about our relationship, and said that taking things slow was a possibility, I wouldn't be doing what I am doing.

 

But I have to remain strong and accept that these things could happen. That's the key, being strong enough to remain in the friend-zone while she has the space she needs. Regardless of who she meets, how great the guys is, perhaps even how passionate she can be with someone else, nothing can replace the history we have and how well we know and understand each other. Believe me, this will not be easy, but I am willing to risk it. If during this time she actually finds someone who can make her happier than I can, well I really will have to accept it and wish her well. I am just steadfast in my belief that if I remain in her life, not everyday at her beckon call and listening to her stories of meeting other men, but with my intentions clear that I want her and only her, she will make a decision one way or another when the time is right.

 

I must also say again, that the key to doing this is not coming across needy and wanting to talk about the relationship. That will set you back big time because it shows you still can't handle this separation and basically can't move on in life without her. No on wants that on their shoulders and no one wants to be in a position where they feel bad and "have" to take you back. They have to want to. Even if its true that you are hurting and do feel you need her, you have keep in mind the 4 points I mentioned in my initial post: respect, confidence, patience, and love.

[jphcbpa]

If dumper does not contact, there is no reason for the dumpee to contact. The ball is in the dumpers court. The longer you go NC, the clearer you can see that the ex is an ex for a reason. If they want you back, they will make it perfectly clear. NC allows you to ask yourself the question...do I really want them back? What would be different? How have they changed?

[Softie]

You go NC to heal your wound, a broken heart is a wound or injury if you like. To let it get Better you have to refrain from what caused the injury in the first place, same as a broken

Bone.

 

One of two things will happen, you'll move on & be fine without them or if you ever did get to a stage of contact it will be from a fresh.

 

Either way you win but keep doing the sport that got you injured in the first place and you might get better but you'll never heal it fully and therefore easier to injure again. Heal fully first then see how you feel you

Might want to change your sport!

Edited January 7, 2014 by Softie
Add

[Simon Phoenix]

It's not always the answer, but it usually is. While No Contact is used first and foremost for healing and moving forward, it's also prevents you from going overboard and making a complete ass out of yourself in the immediate aftermath of a breakup. After one begging/pleading session you should be in NC, because it shows that you respect your decision and it allows both parties to step back and really come to terms with what's going on. Also, they can't miss you if you don't go away. Being in NC is a hell of a lot better than being the hover/orbiter guy.

[heart attack kid]

if in my relationship the dynamics were different and I felt I did everything I could or if she left from me being too needy, I would understand everything everyone is saying. However, when what someone craved was to feel special, like the only girl in the world, like you only want them, and you, for whatever reason didn't give that to them, you need to show them you can.

 

Stepping away to heal is great, but it won't fix anything or show anyone that you really have realized what it's important and what you want. It may make them miss you but it doesn't change anything. With space people tend to grow apart. While that may be what is best, a relationship is growing together with honest communication and regular communication, No contact accomplishes none of that.

 

I am in a position where I don't need her to change, or myself to change for that matter, I simply need to adjust my perspective and put someone before myself for a change, something I've never done. Even if this doesn't work and we don't end up back together being selfless and laying myself out on the line is a strangely purifying experience. Trying to pretend she never existed and "working on myself" is great but really I'd be denying what I really want with a secret hope she'd realize what she had and come crawling back. In which case we would have worked on nothing in the time apart and before long things would settle back into what they were before.

Like I said, that may have worked when I was younger but at some point in life you realize you must take action to accomplish what you want. The key is being very very smart with such action.

[barky2]

Honestly your age doesn't mean a thing in the grand scheme of things.

 

I'm 8 years younger than her.

 

I was in a ten year relationship and you know what?

 

Wait what did you say...

 

" our connection or history cannot be replaced"

 

Something like that right?

 

 

Guess what, just like I said I was with someone for 10 years and I WAS REPLACED, me OUR HISTORY everything buddy.

 

I just want you to open your eyes.

 

If you get put in the friendZone you will not come out.

 

My ex told me if I left her the hell alone and didn't bother her or keep checking in she woulda came back to me sooner.

 

She pulled nc on me and drove me crazy with it while I was rebounding.

 

You said something sort of contradictory.. " I want to be there , but give her the time she needs"

 

Uhh no.

 

Your feet are either in the water or they're not.

 

Get those feet out now.

 

Nc like stated before CAN ( slim chance) to get her back.

 

But it's going to either go down like this, this is a glimpse of the future.

 

A) you leave her alone, begin NC to heal and move on and get a better grasp on yourself and not be needy. You leave her alone, she starts dating someone else she sees imperfections that she didn't have with you, they break up she calls you ( MAYBE JUST A SCENARIO DONT HANG YOUR HAT ON IT)

 

B) she dates, many people, till she find someone she wants to marry and gets married. ( JUST A SCENARIO DONT GET MAD)

 

The thing is, is this.... If you are THERE for her you are giving her a emotional CRUTCH to lean on.

 

In Essence you are HELPING her get over you.

 

If she begins to date, she will have the fun physical side of it, and you'll be the EMOTIONAL CRUTCH again.

 

You want to help her get over you?

 

Once again, I want you to think about what in saying.

 

I may be younger than you, but unfortunately I've dealt with this personally on many levels, I'm way beyond you in the healing, I'm at indifference and being in this community that you've joined for over a year and a half, I've seen a lot also buddy.

 

Once again just trying to help,

 

All my best.

 

 

 

Barky

[Simon Phoenix]

if in my relationship the dynamics were different and I felt I did everything I could or if she left from me being too needy, I would understand everything everyone is saying. However, when what someone craved was to feel special, like the only girl in the world, like you only want them, and you, for whatever reason didn't give that to them, you need to show them you can.

 

Stepping away to heal is great, but it won't fix anything or show anyone that you really have realized what it's important and what you want. It may make them miss you but it doesn't change anything. With space people tend to grow apart. While that may be what is best, a relationship is growing together with honest communication and regular communication, No contact accomplishes none of that.

 

I am in a position where I don't need her to change, or myself to change for that matter, I simply need to adjust my perspective and put someone before myself for a change, something I've never done. Even if this doesn't work and we don't end up back together being selfless and laying myself out on the line is a strangely purifying experience. Trying to pretend she never existed and "working on myself" is great but really I'd be denying what I really want with a secret hope she'd realize what she had and come crawling back. In which case we would have worked on nothing in the time apart and before long things would settle back into what they were before.

Like I said, that may have worked when I was younger but at some point in life you realize you must take action to accomplish what you want. The key is being very very smart with such action.

 

If I had a dollar for every newbie I've seen with this type of attitude, I'd be a millionaire. Your situation, unfortunately, is extremely cliche on here, as is your approach to it. I'm sorry dude, the time to display that stuff is in the relationship, not after it's broken. Now it comes off as disingenuous and a hustle -- your ex is skeptical of your motives. Now had you taken time off and assessed and then come back, your approach would seem more genuine and less of a con.

 

It doesn't matter, because you are just like everyone else -- you'll try your heavy-handed, ham-fisted "I'm going to prove everyone wrong" technique, then you'll come back in a couple months realizing that you should have just given time and space in the beginning. Best of luck, you obviously are on a crusade to not listen.

[pickflicker]

If I had a dollar for every newbie I've seen with this type of attitude, I'd be a millionaire. Your situation, unfortunately, is extremely cliche on here, as is your approach to it. I'm sorry dude, the time to display that stuff is in the relationship, not after it's broken. Now it comes off as disingenuous and a hustle -- your ex is skeptical of your motives. Now had you taken time off and assessed and then come back, your approach would seem more genuine and less of a con.

 

It doesn't matter, because you are just like everyone else -- you'll try your heavy-handed, ham-fisted "I'm going to prove everyone wrong" technique, then you'll come back in a couple months realizing that you should have just given time and space in the beginning. Best of luck, you obviously are on a crusade to not listen.

 

Seconded.

 

NC is always the answer. Because if they're meant to come back to you, a little silence isn't going to hurt your chances.

[mtnbiker3000]

And while many here are young and somewhat 'first timers', there are also many of us in the 'older club' as well. For example, I am older than you

 

So your 'age' reasoning doesn't hold water...

[heart attack kid]

Hey, I appreciate everyone chiming in even if some of it is it bit aggressive, even defensive. I realize many people have been hurt and were forced to move on, I am just not there yet. And yes, the relationship is the time to show these things and yes it is right to view such a change of heart with skepticism. However, if I didn't really feel this way, I wouldn't be able to attempt to show her.

 

I will also mention that we lived together for 2 full months after she told me she was moving out. She made this decision during a fight while extremely upset with me. Does that mean she hadn't considered it for a while? Of course not, however decisions made on impulse tend to not always be the right one. As the 2 months passed we continued to go out to eat dinner, sleep in the same bed, watch movies, go to parties, even go on a road trip. During this time I could sense things were beginning to get back on the right path, however she stuck to her decision mainly thinking things would eventually turn sour again. Not only that but her renters found another place almost immediately putting her in a tough spot of having to rent her place out quickly or be stuck with the mortgage. She of course denies this had anything to do with her decision but I'm sure it played a small role. I also know she felt I wouldn't respect her if she didn't follow through and she would end up resenting me for convincing her. All valid reasons for her to carry it out.

 

Now she's been out for 3 weeks and we've hung out a few times over the holidays, even kissed more passionately than we did during the last 2 months. When I say "give her space" I mean we spent nearly everyday together for the last 5 years, seeing her once a week is definitely a taste of life without me. I will pull back if necessary and I will not simply be a crutch for her, she knows me better than that and isn't the type who likes to chat about things constantly anyway. She's very headstrong and does what she is determined to do. We really are past the point of games.

 

I realize everyone here has a wealth of experience and been on these boards a while and seen similar situations, but I didn't come here for advice. I came here to share my approach and find like minded individuals in situations similar to mine. Everyone's relationship is unique and to blindly give out the advice of "No contact is the only chance you have" is at the least misguided and at the most potentially destructive.

[barky2]

Hey, I appreciate everyone chiming in even if some of it is it bit aggressive, even defensive. I realize many people have been hurt and were forced to move on, I am just not there yet. And yes, the relationship is the time to show these things and yes it is right to view such a change of heart with skepticism. However, if I didn't really feel this way, I wouldn't be able to attempt to show her.

 

I will also mention that we lived together for 2 full months after she told me she was moving out. She made this decision during a fight while extremely upset with me. Does that mean she hadn't considered it for a while? Of course not, however decisions made on impulse tend to not always be the right one. As the 2 months passed we continued to go out to eat dinner, sleep in the same bed, watch movies, go to parties, even go on a road trip. During this time I could sense things were beginning to get back on the right path, however she stuck to her decision mainly thinking things would eventually turn sour again. Not only that but her renters found another place almost immediately putting her in a tough spot of having to rent her place out quickly or be stuck with the mortgage. She of course denies this had anything to do with her decision but I'm sure it played a small role. I also know she felt I wouldn't respect her if she didn't follow through and she would end up resenting me for convincing her. All valid reasons for her to carry it out.

 

Now she's been out for 3 weeks and we've hung out a few times over the holidays, even kissed more passionately than we did during the last 2 months. When I say "give her space" I mean we spent nearly everyday together for the last 5 years, seeing her once a week is definitely a taste of life without me. I will pull back if necessary and I will not simply be a crutch for her, she knows me better than that and isn't the type who likes to chat about things constantly anyway. She's very headstrong and does what she is determined to do. We really are past the point of games.

 

I realize everyone here has a wealth of experience and been on these boards a while and seen similar situations, but I didn't come here for advice. I came here to share my approach and find like minded individuals in situations similar to mine. Everyone's relationship is unique and to blindly give out the advice of "No contact is the only chance you have" is at the least misguided and at the most potentially destructive.

 

 

 

 

Ok, good luck op.

 

Barky