No Contact is not ALWAYS the answer

[mantlefan]

I think part of the aggression comes from wanting our pain to mean something. The fact that I totally ignored the concept of NC (well, to be honest, I don't know if I ever heard of it) simultaneously hurt her more, hurt me more, put our friends in an awkward spot, and reduced the likelihood that two people who STILL enjoy each other's company will ever be friends.

 

 

For us, it's like watching someone walk out on a fraying tightrope. We know what it looks like because we have seen it before, because we were ON the tightrope when it broke in the past.

 

 

When I see someone on the tightrope, I want to yell to them to come on back before it breaks. I want to climb up and hold out my hand and have them grab onto it and pull them to safety, because I wish someone would have been around to do that for me after the BU 5 months ago.

[pickflicker]

"No contact is the only chance you have" is at the least misguided and at the most potentially destructive.

 

No, it's not.

 

If NC motiovates a person to give up too quickly, they weren't really invested to begin with.

 

NC sorts the wheat from the chaff. There are people who reunite after years. After decades. If it's meant to be, it'll be. Silence is not going to hurt that.

 

You're attempting to enact some grand plan to win her back. And you might - for a few months. The vast majority of reconciliations don't stick. That is the reality. Silence or not, you are fighting an uphill battle that will probably end the same way. Simon is right - the time for you to be the awesome bf was whilst you were in the relationship, not post blow-up.

[heart attack kid]

No, it's not.

 

If NC motiovates a person to give up too quickly, they weren't really invested to begin with.

 

NC sorts the wheat from the chaff. There are people who reunite after years. After decades. If it's meant to be, it'll be. Silence is not going to hurt that.

 

You're attempting to enact some grand plan to win her back. And you might - for a few months. The vast majority of reconciliations don't stick. That is the reality. Silence or not, you are fighting an uphill battle that will probably end the same way. Simon is right - the time for you to be the awesome bf was whilst you were in the relationship, not post blow-up.

 

Understood and again I appreciate everyone contributing. I have no ill will here and truthfully I am listening and hearing the advice. I am not going to say I was a total ******* throughout the relationship. There I a lot of things I did do and where we got along great. It was just the lack of affection and making her feel that SHE was the one, and that I loved her more than a buddy was the main issue. She needed more attention. This is a fixable problem, because realizing what I lost, I want nothing more than to show her she really is the one. Granted I've said of all this and saying anymore will do no good. That goes back to my initial approach which is a confident, none pressure one. If someone enjoys your company and wants to see you, there is no reason it can't develop, not into what it was, but something better, that is the objective. To pull back now would basically say, all this effort to keep you in my life was just that, a last ditch effort.

[Softie]

I think part of the aggression comes from wanting our pain to mean something. The fact that I totally ignored the concept of NC (well, to be honest, I don't know if I ever heard of it) simultaneously hurt her more, hurt me more, put our friends in an awkward spot, and reduced the likelihood that two people who STILL enjoy each other's company will ever be friends.

 

 

For us, it's like watching someone walk out on a fraying tightrope. We know what it looks like because we have seen it before, because we were ON the tightrope when it broke in the past.

 

 

When I see someone on the tightrope, I want to yell to them to come on back before it breaks. I want to climb up and hold out my hand and have them grab onto it and pull them to safety, because I wish someone would have been around to do that for me after the BU 5 months ago.

.

 

Some people don't get it. So you can try to save them but ultimately they will try their own thing & learn later.

[pickflicker]

Understood and again I appreciate everyone contributing. I have no ill will here and truthfully I am listening and hearing the advice. I am not going to say I was a total ******* throughout the relationship. There I a lot of things I did do and where we got along great. It was just the lack of affection and making her feel that SHE was the one, and that I loved her more than a buddy was the main issue. She needed more attention. This is a fixable problem, because realizing what I lost, I want nothing more than to show her she really is the one. Granted I've said of all this and saying anymore will do no good. That goes back to my initial approach which is a confident, none pressure one. If someone enjoys your company and wants to see you, there is no reason it can't develop, not into what it was, but something better, that is the objective. To pull back now would basically say, all this effort to keep you in my life was just that, a last ditch effort.

 

I think you're setting yourself up to be a no-strings attached ego stroke. If she gets whatever limited affection she wants from you, with the ability to trial potential new suitors - well, lots of people love that. They get their cuddle buddy who tops up the affection tank, and they get fresh suitors for a bit of strange.

 

Don't be surprised if when you eventually press for a relationship, you get "Oh...I don't know...."

[Softie]

Perhaps your post would be better of in Second Chances??? Just a thought

[heart attack kid]

I think you're setting yourself up to be a no-strings attached ego stroke. If she gets whatever limited affection she wants from you, with the ability to trial potential new suitors - well, lots of people love that. They get their cuddle buddy who tops up the affection tank, and they get fresh suitors for a bit of strange.

 

Don't be surprised if when you eventually press for a relationship, you get "Oh...I don't know...."

 

Nope, I've already decided I will not sleep with her until I get a commitment. That will be hard if it gets to a point were feeling it for each other but that wouldn't be fair to either of us I feel. And sexually our relationship was really good right up until the last few months or so, so I know it's something that will be missed. I am serious about this, this isn't a plea for affection or hanging on to shreds. I know I can move on and eventually be fine, which I didn't think a month or so ago. But I feel I WANT to marry this woman and have a family. And the only way to make this known is to stay in her life. I feel that life for BOTH of us can be better together than if we were to be apart, the hard part is getting her to realize this.

[heart attack kid]

Perhaps your post would be better of in Second Chances??? Just a thought

 

Doesn't it include "breaks" in the category topic? That basically what my situation is. However I do agree that breaks really ultimately are break ups.

Because in either case, it takes work and patience to get things back or start new.

[pickflicker]

Nope, I've already decided I will not sleep with her until I get a commitment. That will be hard if it gets to a point were feeling it for each other but that wouldn't be fair to either of us I feel. And sexually our relationship was really good right up until the last few months or so, so I know it's something that will be missed. I am serious about this, this isn't a plea for affection or hanging on to shreds. I know I can move on and eventually be fine, which I didn't think a month or so ago. But I feel I WANT to marry this woman and have a family. And the only way to make this known is to stay in her life. I feel that life for BOTH of us can be better together than if we were to be apart, the hard part is getting her to realize this.

 

Well, good luck. You're going to need it. Let us know how it goes.

[heart attack kid]

Well, good luck. You're going to need it. Let us know how it goes.

 

Thanks I am seeing her and her daughter tonight. Who knows I could come back in tears saying how right everyone was..

 

either way, I'll post an update.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Oh good....another one of these threads. Occurs about once a month along with "Do the text your ex system work."

[Haydn]

Good luck mate. I hope it works for you but be ready for the long drop. If i am wrong then let us all know. Either way let us know how you are.

 

 

Thanks I am seeing her and her daughter tonight. Who knows I could come back in tears saying how right everyone was..

 

either way, I'll post an update.

[fixing]

Wow, sorry man, but that last post. So, your basically setting yourself up to be her best male friend. Listening to her talk about her sexual encounters with another men, jesus christ, get a grip man.

Best thing you can do is cancel on her and move on. If she 'truly loves you' she will come and find you. Not come and tell you who she is sleeping with, and what cologne XYZ wear.

 

If your hell bent on seeing her tonight, my advice would be to be as confident, sexy and cool as you can, completely woe her, then leave early and start no contact.

 

If she really loves you she will call, if she doesnt call, she doesnt love you and theres no chance in a future.

[pickflicker]

Wow, sorry man, but that last post. So, your basically setting yourself up to be her best male friend. Listening to her talk about her sexual encounters with another men, jesus christ, get a grip man.

 

Yeah, that's what I think. He's a cuddle buddy. Platonic cuddling, kisses, no sex, emotional support, and she can bang some dude on the side who doesn't need to dole out any 'feels', because she's getting them elsewhere.

 

Train wreck.

[mantlefan]

Nope, I've already decided I will not sleep with her until I get a commitment. That will be hard if it gets to a point were feeling it for each other but that wouldn't be fair to either of us I feel. And sexually our relationship was really good right up until the last few months or so, so I know it's something that will be missed. I am serious about this, this isn't a plea for affection or hanging on to shreds. I know I can move on and eventually be fine, which I didn't think a month or so ago. But I feel I WANT to marry this woman and have a family. And the only way to make this known is to stay in her life. I feel that life for BOTH of us can be better together than if we were to be apart, the hard part is getting her to realize this.

 

I see so much of me 5 months ago in this post.

 

 

She won't realize anything that you TRY to get her to realize.

 

 

Even if you are 100% right, the fact that you are trying to get her to realize it will make it LESS likely that she actually realizes it.

 

 

I really hope it works out for you, I hope my ex and I get married and have babies and be happy too. You're not alone in that.

 

 

But if it doesn't work out, please come back on here and tell your story, to help the next guy in your position not make the same mistake.

[heart attack kid]

Well, at this point I gather most of you think I am an idiot. And many of the old adages ring true, love is blind, love is for fools, etc..

 

When she actually moved out, every guy friend I have said the same things most of you are telling me, let it go, absolutely no contact, do not be friends. However the women I talked to, wives of friends and what not, said the opposite. If you want her do not stop pursuing her. See, women like and want this. Even if they act like they don't or don't give you the time of day after telling them. It just has to be honest, from the heart, and most importantly, you have to be confident with what you say.

 

I've looked into the text your ex back program, and while I agree with some of what it proposes, I don't agree with the mandatory 30 day no contact in all situations. Why spend all this time improving yourself, if you're true intentions are to win back your ex? You aren't really moving on at all, you're just delaying things.

 

After she left, I continued contacting her via email, text, and some brief phone conversations. However no longer were the sentiments, "we can make this work, I can change" I still told her I loved her, I watched some old wedding photos from friend in which she attended with me and told her how beautiful she was. Wished her a happy new year and told her I wish she was there and I loved her. Too much, perhaps. But I never told her this enough to begin with. Did her not replying hurt, yes, but I tried to not let it bother me, I knew she was reading them. Then when I reach out for some no pressure meetings, she's receptive.

 

I think women appreciate a man laying everything out on the line for them. As long as you aren't sounding needy and desperate or demanding. When you are confident in your confessions of love and devotion, it resonates. Will I continue telling her this, perhaps, but more subtly as again I continue to adjust to the circumstances. Am I completely fine without her, not by a long shot yet, but showing her all that I truly feel, it will be the last sentiments she has from me. Whether I pull back a bit or continue to pursue hard, I remain on her mind, and that is really the only way to get things started again.

 

No, there will not be any cuddling or discussions about potential suitors. Hell, I'm talking to a few girls myself but I sure as hell wont be bringing them up.

[mantlefan]

I don't think you're an idiot. I think you're in love.

 

 

You say that you need to stay on her mind to get things started again.

 

 

Think of it this way:

 

 

If you need to stick around just so she doesn't forget you, are you really doing it because you really love her, or because you really want her to be with you?

[heart attack kid]

I don't think you're an idiot. I think you're in love.

 

 

You say that you need to stay on her mind to get things started again.

 

 

Think of it this way:

 

 

If you need to stick around just so she doesn't forget you, are you really doing it because you really love her, or because you really want her to be with you?

 

Good question, I struggled with this myself. I've come to the conclusion I do love her and want to commit to her. Marriage was never my thing, and because she was divorced I figured she didn't need it either. The truth is, no matter what a woman says, they want you to commit and marriage shows this commitment. My mistake, but hopefully there is a 2nd chance. Only time will tell. update later.

[fixing]

No one here thinks your an idiot m8. Naive? Blind sighted by love? Yes. Not an idiot.

 

All i will say is that all these months, years your gonna spend being her best friend, you will be missing out on Golden opportunities with other women who will be literally dying to have a chance with you. And btw, its usually at this stage that the ex will come back hassling you.

[Simon Phoenix]

However the women I talked to, wives of friends and what not, said the opposite. If you want her do not stop pursuing her. See, women like and want this.

 

No, they really don't. And no offense to the many intelligent women posters on here, but often times, women give you the worst advice on how to deal with other women. When a lot of women give advice like that, they imagine how they would feel if their personal prince charming was doing such things, not an ex-boyfriend. And women more often tend to tell you what they think you want to hear, not necessarily what they really think.

 

Most women have that dream of prince charming fighting for them and sweeping them off their feet romantically. But when actually encountered with that situation, most end up being very uncomfortable with it. I mean, the more you try to explain yourself and how your situation is unique and how your approach is justified, the more you sound like the hundreds of other saps that start threads on this same thing that end up strewn in ditches alongside the highway.

 

I hope I'm wrong and you are actually the exception to the rule, I really do. But I've seen so many people like you get destroyed by the approach you are taking. It's really the worst play you have short of stalking.

[organizedchaos]

OP, there's a saying I encountered recently that says a lot:

 

 

"The only thing worse than the one that got away, is the one that won't go away."

[pickflicker]

No, they really don't. And no offense to the many intelligent women posters on here, but often times, women give you the worst advice on how to deal with other women. When a lot of women give advice like that, they imagine how they would feel if their personal prince charming was doing such things, not an ex-boyfriend. And women more often tend to tell you what they think you want to hear, not necessarily what they really think.

 

Most women have that dream of prince charming fighting for them and sweeping them off their feet romantically. But when actually encountered with that situation, most end up being very uncomfortable with it. I mean, the more you try to explain yourself and how your situation is unique and how your approach is justified, the more you sound like the hundreds of other saps that start threads on this same thing that end up strewn in ditches alongside the highway.

 

I hope I'm wrong and you are actually the exception to the rule, I really do. But I've seen so many people like you get destroyed by the approach you are taking. It's really the worst play you have short of stalking.

 

Urgh, so true. Who are these women saying "Yes, don't let up on her. She dumped you, but no means yes!"

 

The dream of the pursuing man a la Hollywood should die after a woman dates her first narcissist in her 20s. The guy who breaks up, then comes back, then breaks up. It'll kill any of that idiotic thinking.

 

Seriously, OP here is some better advice from one who possess a vagina. Men are more likely to break up impulsively, then a few months later, come crawling back. Women on the other hand, chew on the decision for weeks at least, sometimes months. Then it just comes down to the straw that breaks the camel's back, to push them over the edge.

 

And the more insistant, the more a man sacrifices his testicles for a woman, the more she wrinkles her nose in disgust. There's a reason why arrogant, aloof twats always remain attractive to a woman even when she's grown enough of a brain to admire them from afar, but never try to date them - a man who doesn't need us, is sexy as hell.

[pickflicker]

OP, there's a saying I encountered recently that says a lot:

 

 

"The only thing worse than the one that got away, is the one that won't go away."

 

There's a line of t-shirts in that...printed on the back so that they can see it when you're walking away.

[heart attack kid]

Ok, so I see this was not the right place for me to post my alternative to No Contact. I really didn't post this for a debate or to be berated by everyone. It simply a different perspective and something I feel is right and ultimately will get me what I want.

 

I appreciate all the thoughts and advice, but try to keep an open mind and realize not everyone or every situation is the same.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Ok, so I see this was not the right place for me to post my alternative to No Contact. I really didn't post this for a debate or to be berated by everyone. It simply a different perspective and something I feel is right and ultimately will get me what I want.

 

I appreciate all the thoughts and advice, but try to keep an open mind and realize not everyone or every situation is the same.

 

http://25.media.tumblr.com/19901cff4593662519e486bac19b5beb/tumblr_mk5ky5gD1z1r98adfo2_250.gif

(waits on Simon.)

 

......buckle up dude. It's going to be a rough year for you. You also forgot about the small part of she doesnt want you. So "getting what you want" is one sided.

Edited January 8, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing