No Contact is not ALWAYS the answer

[heart attack kid]

I understand all the reasons for no contact. But why is low contact bad if the dumpee can handle it in a mature way? Yes, I envision us back together and yes there a chance that will never happen, but isn't more about me being to deal with that than anything else?

[pickflicker]

I understand all the reasons for no contact. But why is low contact bad if the dumpee can handle it in a mature way? Yes, I envision us back together and yes there a chance that will never happen, but isn't more about me being to deal with that than anything else?

 

Because you're avoiding facing reality in order to move on. You haven't accepted that you've broken up. And you're confirming for her, with this behaviour, that only dumping you motivated a change in your behaviour, which makes you sound less "awesome bf" and more "codependent drain".

 

Your last bit suggests that you're only concerned about how you feel, not what she feels. Contacting her is saying "you don't know what is good for you, I do." That's undermining her ability to make her own decisions, and makes you look weak.

[BC1980]

No contact is limbo too, if you want her back. I guess I would rather find out what many of your think is the hard way. I'll know one way or another, but the way I figure it, the most painful part has happened. She left me, she basically said, "I don't want to be in your life anymore". Now, I could easily say fine then go and I'll never contact you again and hopefully you see what you had. That's a perfectly fine and reasonable way to act. Could "hanging around" hurt my chances, perhaps, or maybe by hearing from me or seeing me now and again, she'll want what she had just as well.

 

You have no idea how painful this is about to get. I played this game for 4 months and mercifully lived to tell the tale. In the end, I was begging to go NC. What's very sad is that the pain I am in now is much worse than the initial pain or the time I stayed in contact. I've had to accept the breakup. I didn't realize how deep my denial was until I went NC.

 

Go ahead and do this because I was stubborn too. I thought I was so different. You will see how bad it's about to get, and you will prolong your recovery. Trust me, once you realize it's over for good, then you'll feel pain.

[BC1980]

I understand all the reasons for no contact. But why is low contact bad if the dumpee can handle it in a mature way? Yes, I envision us back together and yes there a chance that will never happen, but isn't more about me being to deal with that than anything else?

 

Is if worth it to overestimate your ability to handle it?

 

I thought I had a good handle on things, but that was only because I operated from a baseline of denial that it was over for good.

[heart attack kid]

Is if worth it to overestimate your ability to handle it?

 

I thought I had a good handle on things, but that was only because I operated from a baseline of denial that it was over for good.

 

I guess it depends on your outlook on life, and once again, your individual situation. Do you think that people separating is always, without exception, the end of a potential future. I know from first hand experience with others that this is not the case. In many ways a break can be exactly what was needed to strengthen the bond you shared, especially if the problems weren't anything insurmountable. The circumstances surrounding how it ended, the length of time you were together amongst many other details play into how things will evolve.

 

What type of things did you do while in contact, why were you in denial? Did she give you an impression that she still wanted to see/talk to you in some capacity?

[heart attack kid]

I've read some of the other threads and it seems anytime anyone attempts to suggest NC may not always be the best option to reconcile, they are immediately attacked. I almost wonder if this "advice" is coming from a place of personal subjective pain more than any real attempt to listen to the individual situations. "you don't agree with us about no contact, just go away!"

Edited January 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pickflicker]

I've read some of the other threads and it seems anytime anyone attempts to suggest NC may not always be the best option to reconcile, they are immediately attacked. I almost wonder if this "advice" is coming from a place of personal subjective pain more than any real attempt to listen to the individual situations. "you don't agree with us about no contact, just go away!"

 

From my perspective, I am vehemently enthusiastic of NC because it's proven to help you get part a break up and move on. I also vehemently believe that if someone dumps you, "fighting" fit them is a Hollywood myth and that the best thing you can do, as Celtic Gibson says, is to let someone go if they leave you. Accept the winds of change, don't fight them.

 

I can tell you with absolute certainty that your plan will not work. At best, it will work temporarily. I'm not being defensive, or attacking you, i'm simply staying the truth. In the end, what you do had no effect on my life. I just hopped that you would see the incredibly gut wrenching have you're playing, and how badly you are setting yourself up for a fall. You could be making proactive steps towards healing right now, instead, you're self-flagellating.

Edited January 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pickflicker]

From my perspective, I am vehemently enthusiastic of NC because it's proven to help you get part a break up and move on. I also vehemently believe that if someone dumps you, "fighting" fit them is a Hollywood myth and that the best thing you can do, as Celtic Gibson says, is to let someone go if they leave you. Accept the winds of change, don't fight them.

 

I can tell you with absolute certainty that your plan will not work. At best, it will work temporarily. I'm not being defensive, or attacking you, i'm simply staying the truth. In the end, what you do had no effect on my life. I just hopped that you would see the incredibly gut wrenching have you're playing, and how badly you are setting yourself up for a fall. You could be making proactive steps towards healing right now, instead, you're self-flagellating.

 

Sorry for the spelling, bad autocorrect!

[Simon Phoenix]

In all seriousness man, we are trying to prevent you from clumsily walking into certain anguish and failure. We don't want you to go down a road that is full of potholes and collapsed bridges. But you seem to think you know better, so go for it. We'll be here when it comes crashing down. We hope it doesn't, but you are going all-in with 2-7 offsuit against a pair of bullets right now.

[heart attack kid]

 

I can tell you with absolute certainty that your plan will not work.

 

Really? Now that is impressive foresight.

 

So I will ask you again. Do you honestly believe that all break-ups in every case are final and can never potentially build something better? And if so, you believe every single relationship that was reconciled came from no contact?

 

Relationships are very complicated and when humans spend nearly every minute together for a long period of time and devote a ton of energy into making things work, there's gonna be a some good and some bad if the relationship is relatively stable. When the bad starts to outweigh the good, sometimes people need to step away for a bit and access what they want. I think no contact is saying that you cannot accept this more than staying in minimal contact is.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

You need to chill man, if you're tired of the thread, stop replying. You are no better than me because you've been here longer. I don't care what you've seen and been through, because you obviously don't know how to handle a discussion. You have zero tact, and even if what you said was gospel you clearly don't know how to say it.

 

You called me a troll, that's attacking. Anyone with common sense would know that wasn't my intention.

 

I said you are pretty much one if you keep coming on here and doing what you're doing.

 

Look, calm down. You can be mad at all of us all day long. No one is attacking you. Were here to help thats the point of all this. You keep doing what you are doing, it will fail. As sure as the sun shines and sets. Its called experience, not being better than you or being on here longer. You are taking it personally, when its just all general rules. You are putting all your money on 21 black. The odds of your situation working with what youre doing is SO slim. Why? Because its all human emotions. Keep poking a bear with a stick, it will get angry. Your ex will get annoyed by your talking all the time OR you will be in friendzone heaven. One or the other. Relationships take TWO people. If she doesnt want to be with you (which you even stated that she pretty much said that she doesnt want to speak to you ever or something along those lines) then whats talking more going to do?

 

Thats what I'm saying

[pickflicker]

Really? Now that is impressive foresight.

 

So I will ask you again. Do you honestly believe that all break-ups in every case are final and can never potentially build something better? And if so, you believe every single relationship that was reconciled came from no contact?

 

Relationships are very complicated and when humans spend nearly every minute together for a long period of time and devote a ton of energy into making things work, there's gonna be a some good and some bad if the relationship is relatively stable. When the bad starts to outweigh the good, sometimes people need to step away for a bit and access what they want. I think no contact is saying that you cannot accept this more than staying in minimal contact is.

 

No. I believe that every relationship has the potential for a second chance. I just think you've doing it wrong.

 

I believe the best chance you can give your relationship is a period of at the minimum, 90 days NC. I'm sure some relationships have reconciled your way, but they are in an incredibly small minority.

 

Chasing down someone who dumped you is basically saying "I'm not done with you punishing me, please keep going". It's weak.

[Simon Phoenix]

You need to chill man, if you're tired of the thread, stop replying. You are no better than me because you've been here longer. I don't care what you've seen and been through, because you obviously don't know how to handle a discussion. You have zero tact, and even if what you said was gospel you clearly don't know how to say it.

 

You called me a troll, that's attacking. Anyone with common sense would know that wasn't my intention.

 

Honestly dude, he's not that far off. The first thing you do when you don't agree with someone's tactic is call them bitter. You came to an advice website, you got advice (though I'm not sure what the point of asking for advice is when you don't listen to it and feel the need to fight with people who say what you don't want to hear). Just because it's not what you want it to be doesn't mean you should throw a tantrum. We are saying this stuff to help you. Of course we'd rather tell you that everything is unicorns and candy, but if we don't really believe that, we aren't doing you a lick of good.

[pickflicker]

No. I believe that every relationship has the potential for a second chance. I just think you've doing it wrong.

 

I believe the best chance you can give your relationship is a period of at the minimum, 90 days NC. I'm sure some relationships have reconciled your way, but they are in an incredibly small minority.

 

Chasing down someone who dumped you is basically saying "I'm not done with you punishing me, please keep going". It's weak.

 

Just adding something here: you're peddling something that at this point, I'd but proven for you. You think NC is not the answer but you as yet, have not gotten your ex-gf back. I'm peddling a tried and tested method. That's why I'm so confident.

[heart attack kid]

And you are wrong, no matter how much you want to believe that we are lying to you out of bitterness. Every reconciled relationship that I know that's stuck (I went to one wedding of a couple in this situation this past summer and am going to a second -- my sister's -- in two months just to give examples) has seen a sizable NC of at least six months, if not longer. NC gives people time to decompress, gives people time to think less emotionally and more rationally, gives them time to let the good memories come back instead of the most recent bad ones and gives them time to miss you.

 

Your plan does none of that. It comes off as manipulative, disrespectful, delusional, annoying, all sorts of negative adjectives come to mind. And she can't miss you if you don't go anywhere. Honestly, the best reconciliation technique is to back off and let their own mind do it's work. It's a heck of a lot better than the clumsy, hamfisted strategy that you are obsessed with trying.

 

We are trying to help. We are not bitter. So stop crying and whining about how we are all out to get you and we don't understand. We do understand, we've all been there. While every relationship is different, the basic human emotions and reactions are frightfully similar. You and your situation are not unique -- in fact, they are the norm. But anyway, if you want to do this contact thing, do it. Stop the mental gymnastics and spinning in your attempt to try to convince us how wrong we are.

 

None of us want to be right. I would love to be wrong about your situation. Unfortunately, the likelihood of your head being mounted on the wall is infinitely greater than you riding off into the sunset.

 

Either way, you are going to do what you are going to do. Stop trying to get our approval and stop trying to iceburn us for not agreeing with you. Do what you want to do and see what happens.

 

 

You have a bit more of a reasonable tone in your attempts at advice. My "crying" is not coming from rational thoughts and opinions of others, but people who say I'm troll and attempt to discredit any attempts that I am capable of handling my situation.

 

I agree with much of what you said, however, with minimal contact you accomplish many of these same things....IF you ended on good terms, which we did. Her decision to leave was made in tears after a week of not talking over some dumb issue. We all know people don't make rational decisions in that state, even if she wasn't happy and considering this for a while. She's an impulsive person and a head strong person. During those 2 months, I could've just been pissed off and basically we would have ended up enemies with all of her suspicions confirmed. But instead, I showed her what she meant to me in every way I could. I know it made a positive impact even if a bit over the top and shocking for her, and it still resonates. I've told her I accept her decision and she's no longer mine and she can do whatever she feels she needs to. I will not be her buddy, but I also won't ignore her. I don't think my approach is that completely off base considering the circumstances. And honestly, that's all I am gonna say about. I will check back down the road and let you guys know how right you were...

[Softie]

Wonder if poster would have listened to Superdave? We know his opinions & experience.

 

For a reconciliation to work, the two people need to come back to the relationship as completely fresh with all hurt, anger, grief, upset & every other emotion completely healed - why, because otherwise the dumper will still be looking through eyes of whatever reason they finished it in the first place and the dumper will be insecure & worried waiting for the dumper to dump again.

 

Neither person can start a fresh without becoming strangers again which NC allows. Then you come at the relationship at new and with all the excitement and butterflies a new relationship brings.

 

That's not to say that all break ups result in reconciliation, they rarely do but staying in the picture won't work for either of you.

 

Definition of insanity - to keep doing the same thing over and over & expect different results!!

 

You have to do something different to get different results, a relationship that works.

[heart attack kid]

Yeah, you were respectful AFTER the fact and whatever, but showing how noble you are and "fighting" for them should be done DURING the relationship not after.

 

I have an issue with this. Anyone who has been in a longer relationship 5+ years, knows that it's not all roses everyday with the passion it once was. Everyone settles and ends up taking things for granted a bit. Sometimes no matter how much you love the person, you stopped making it known to them. I was lucky I had those 2 months because, while she was thinking "where was this guy the last few years" she could see that I really was willing to adjust my priorities (I don't like to say change, because no one really changes), but showing someone you love them and putting them above your needs can easily be done if you really want to. I was a good guy during the relationship, we just ended up being roommates/friends rather than lovers.

[heart attack kid]

Neither person can start a fresh without becoming strangers again which NC allows.

 

I totally disagree with this as well.. Sorry.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I have an issue with this. Anyone who has been in a longer relationship 5+ years, knows that it's not all roses everyday with the passion it once was. Everyone settles and ends up taking things for granted a bit. Sometimes no matter how much you love the person, you stopped making it known to them. I was lucky I had those 2 months because, while she was thinking "where was this guy the last few years" she could see that I really was willing to adjust my priorities (I don't like to say change, because no one really changes), but showing someone you love them and putting them above your needs can easily be done if you really want to. I was a good guy during the relationship, we just ended up being roommates/friends rather than lovers.

 

 

I'm FULLY aware that no relationship goes without issues or full affectionate love every single day BUT when the relationship is done, ITS DONE. You could be Brad Pitt with a box of chocolates, roses, a Ferrari, and a 12 inch member...if she is done with the relationship NONE of it matters. Its already too late to start showing you care at that point. She made the decision to leave ONLY her can make the decision that she wants you back. Contacting her is like saying "Hi, I'm still here. I havent gone anywhere so please continue to use me as a crutch until I find someone else." Do you want to be that stepping stone until she fully moves on?

 

I dont really think ANYONE on this site are bad people NOR do I think that they were not good people during the relationship. That doesnt mean feelings dont change with people. Feelings change ALL the time. Her feelings change. Will they change back to you? I highly doubt it, but the only way to see if there IS a chance later is to stop contacting now.

Edited January 11, 2014 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[alphap]

Depending on the reason why the break up happened, NC can be effective or not. Yes she was the one who broke up with you but you did feel its because she thinks you don't love her enough. Based on that I really believe if you still want her you need to contact her and all.. That's the only way you can have your ex back based on that reason.

[pickflicker]

I'd like to see the OP go 30 days NC. As an experiment. I can preach NC all I want, but I'm not currently going through a BU, so in my case it's a bit impractical.

 

Try it, OP. She's already broken up with you, you have nothing to lose.

[heart attack kid]

Depending on the reason why the break up happened, NC can be effective or not. Yes she was the one who broke up with you but you did feel its because she thinks you don't love her enough. Based on that I really believe if you still want her you need to contact her and all.. That's the only way you can have your ex back based on that reason.

 

Hey, thanks alphap, but be careful out here, you opinion is not a popular one.

[heart attack kid]

I'd like to see the OP go 30 days NC. As an experiment. I can preach NC all I want, but I'm not currently going through a BU, so in my case it's a bit impractical.

 

Try it, OP. She's already broken up with you, you have nothing to lose.

 

Ok pickflicker, just for you I will.

[heart attack kid]

No.....again (lets just SAY the OP's girl left because he didnt show enough love)the OP's girl WANTED affection DURING the relationship NOT after. Even if that is the case that she wanted him to show more affection, and she really cared about him as she said, she would have said something DURING the relationship, not after. If she really felt neglected, she would have told him. Since she probably didnt during (if she did and OP still didnt show her than he has no one to blame but himself), and left, then that isnt the OP's issue to chase.

 

She was done when she moved. There wasnt any negotiations. Her feelings changed so she left. It isnt his duty to show her.

 

BTW OP, how old are you??

 

Sadly there were many hints and clues I should've picked up on, but I was stubborn early on, and felt "that's not me, she should love me the way I am" which she did for a good while. As time went by I let go of this attitude but she basically gave up on talking about it or acting like she needed it. Which is one issue that would have to change, she is not a very good communicator. While for a guy, I am. If she had told me some of these things in a serious way, I would have made the necessary adjustments much earlier than I did.

[Simon Phoenix]

No.....again (lets just SAY the OP's girl left because he didnt show enough love)the OP's girl WANTED affection DURING the relationship NOT after. Even if that is the case that she wanted him to show more affection, and she really cared about him as she said, she would have said something DURING the relationship, not after. If she really felt neglected, she would have told him. Since she probably didnt during (if she did and OP still didnt show her than he has no one to blame but himself), and left, then that isnt the OP's issue to chase.

 

She was done when she moved. There wasnt any negotiations. Her feelings changed so she left. It isnt his duty to show her.

 

BTW OP, how old are you??

 

Yep, smothering her with affection now just seems like a con, a hustle. A "oh sure, now that I've broken up with you you are going to do all this." It can come off as intrusive and insulting. I've seen women get pissed off at "negectful" boyfriends pulling this stuff many times.

 

And I believe the OP is in his late 30s, which is why I made the connection to Coping Vortex. Similar-aged men that thought they could manipulate their exes back into their life by "being there".