No Contact is not ALWAYS the answer

[CelticGibson]

" but I know no guy will come right along and replace that overnight. If she decides ultimately someone else is more suited for her, I will back off for good. But that hasn't happened I don't seeing it happening anytime soon"

 

You are making some very dangerous assumptions there OP. How can you ever know for sure that no guy will come right along and replace that overnight? How can you say you don't see it happening any time soon? Sounds like wishful thinking to me. Like you are trying to control the outcome without accepting the reality. Yes you say that you will back off if and when she chooses someone else but have you REALLY digested what that means when you don't see it happening any time soon, as you believe? No Contact is there to save you from yourself. It's there to separate you from all of this wishful thinking/manipulation/planning stuff you have got caught up in.

 

Just keep in mind that you have no control over what happens except what you do for yourself. If you want to continue putting yourself in the firing line, then that is your choice. I hope it works out for you...

[heart attack kid]

Celtic Gibson is right. Allowing the dumper to wean off you is not going to help make you more desirable.

 

It's all about perspective. What you see as "weaning off" I can see as winning back. Even if you're right, the confidence and acceptance I show, will be seen as impressive regardless of what happens. Being able to go after what you want without being needy and desperate about it is what got them interested in the first place. Vanishing didn't.

[Simon Phoenix]

I see a lot of Coping Vortex in this poster. I'm hoping his situation works out better.

[pickflicker]

It's all about perspective. What you see as "weaning off" I can see as winning back. Even if you're right, the confidence and acceptance I show, will be seen as impressive regardless of what happens. Being able to go after what you want without being needy and desperate about it is what got them interested in the first place. Vanishing didn't.

 

But it's not about what you see. It's about what she sees. You are on a one way ticket to being her emotional tampon, and not much else. And if you do get her back, it'll be short-lived, because she'll feel coerced, and then she'll get over that and move on again.

 

There's little that's impressive about your approach. Take it from a woman's perspective.

[heart attack kid]

" but I know no guy will come right along and replace that overnight. If she decides ultimately someone else is more suited for her, I will back off for good. But that hasn't happened I don't seeing it happening anytime soon"

 

You are making some very dangerous assumptions there OP. How can you ever know for sure that no guy will come right along and replace that overnight? How can you say you don't see it happening any time soon? Sounds like wishful thinking to me. Like you are trying to control the outcome without accepting the reality. Yes you say that you will back off if and when she chooses someone else but have you REALLY digested what that means when you don't see it happening any time soon, as you believe? No Contact is there to save you from yourself. It's there to separate you from all of this wishful thinking/manipulation/planning stuff you have got caught up in.

 

Just keep in mind that you have no control over what happens except what you do for yourself. If you want to continue putting yourself in the firing line, then that is your choice. I hope it works out for you...

 

I am not saying a guy can't come along right away. I know she's not sitting around every night pining over me. She left, as far as she's concerned it's her life to with whatever she wants. Going out with guys, possibly even more, is not going to replace what we had overnight. I am confident in that. Again, its about being able to accept this. Believe me, it burns inside bad, but I'm trying to take a higher road. If you love someone, it's not about just HAVING them.

 

And if somehow I am wrong, and despite what she has said, ends up with someone soon. I'll know all that I thought we had, probably was never there to begin with. And that WILL force me to move on.

[CelticGibson]

So you are taking the high road by putting yourself through pain because you love someone but not expecting to HAVE them YET if she chooses someone else you are out of there and moving on? Gimme a break. The only reason you are doing this is to HAVE her, not because you love her...

 

If you loved her, you would leave her be to be happy doing what she wants instead of hanging around trying to be an emotional superman. What's the old saying again?

 

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back it was meant to be.

 

Let her go. Move on. Go No Contact. If she wants to try again, she will contact you in good time...

[heart attack kid]

I see a lot of Coping Vortex in this poster. I'm hoping his situation works out better.

 

What's this?

[heart attack kid]

You are on a one way ticket to being her emotional tampon, and not

 

What did I say that would give you this idea?

[Simon Phoenix]

What's this?

 

Another poster from a year or so ago that was similarly indignant to suggestions of NC and had a very similar thought process and a similar way of expressing them. Some things are different (his ex had a new boyfriend when he was doing what you are trying to do) but he was left devastated when she eventually chose him after using him as an emotional tampon for months.

[Never Again]

It's all about perspective. What you see as "weaning off" I can see as winning back. Even if you're right, the confidence and acceptance I show, will be seen as impressive regardless of what happens. Being able to go after what you want without being needy and desperate about it is what got them interested in the first place. Vanishing didn't.

 

What matters is the dumper's perspective of you - they dumped you, and if you keep coming back then it doesn't matter how confident you are, they will interpret your actions as manipulative and desperate.

 

What got them interested in the first place was a mix of things, including the excitement and mystery of someone new. You're not new, so you're already at a disadvantage there.

 

If you want to make a show of it, you can have a brief communication with the ex to express yourself. A simple, "While I would've preferred to stay together, you weren't happy. If your heart wasn't in it, it wouldn't have worked out. Maybe we'll reconnect someday, but I think we could both use some time and space."

 

Leaving someone alone shows that you accept their decision. You don't have to disappear forever, but let her have what she wants - the world without you. Live your own life and show that you can do it without her. That's confidence, and if you have any shot with her at all, that'll get you further than contacting her.

 

Contact at this point just shows that you have weak boundaries. That you're willing to take whatever scraps of attention you can get to "win her back". Not attractive in the slightest.

[heart attack kid]

So you are taking the high road by putting yourself through pain because you love someone but not expecting to HAVE them YET if she chooses someone else you are out of there and moving on? Gimme a break. The only reason you are doing this is to HAVE her, not because you love her...

 

If you loved her, you would leave her be to be happy doing what she wants instead of hanging around trying to be an emotional superman. What's the old saying again?

 

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back it was meant to be.

 

Let her go. Move on. Go No Contact. If she wants to try again, she will contact you in good time...

 

Why would she want to try again? Things weren't good for a reason. You can love someone and end a relationship. You can be with someone you don't love. Without being in someone's life in some capacity, there is nothing NEW that can be created. And that's the important thing, it has to be new, the past is dead. Someone coming back to you because you go no contact and they miss you is probably always not going to work. Because what's different about you or them? Again, I am not saying that my option is a guarantee or for everyone's situation, but I am choosing it over no contact.

[pickflicker]

What did I say that would give you this idea?

 

Because you're letting her wean off you. Instead of going NC and projecting indifference (ie, uncertainty in her mind) you're rewarding it by being, as CB so succinctly put it an "emotional superman".

 

She's thinking "I just dumped him, and he's being a white knight. Why didn't I do this sooner? I'll enjoy this no-strings attached affection and then when someone better comes along, I'll flick this bozo."

 

It's too late. The time to be Mr. Awesome is in the relationship, not after the fact.

[organizedchaos]

I am not saying a guy can't come along right away. I know she's not sitting around every night pining over me. She left, as far as she's concerned it's her life to with whatever she wants. Going out with guys, possibly even more, is not going to replace what we had overnight. I am confident in that. Again, its about being able to accept this. Believe me, it burns inside bad, but I'm trying to take a higher road. If you love someone, it's not about just HAVING them.

 

And if somehow I am wrong, and despite what she has said, ends up with someone soon. I'll know all that I thought we had, probably was never there to begin with. And that WILL force me to move on.

 

Have to ask. Have you used this tactic before with past ex's and has it worked?

[mtnbiker3000]

I see a lot of Coping Vortex in this poster. I'm hoping his situation works out better.

 

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing...

 

OP - search his username and read up a bit. He was very much like you, and... well, it didn't end well. Just sayin...

[heart attack kid]

What matters is the dumper's perspective of you - they dumped you, and if you keep coming back then it doesn't matter how confident you are, they will interpret your actions as manipulative and desperate.

 

What got them interested in the first place was a mix of things, including the excitement and mystery of someone new. You're not new, so you're already at a disadvantage there.

 

If you want to make a show of it, you can have a brief communication with the ex to express yourself. A simple, "While I would've preferred to stay together, you weren't happy. If your heart wasn't in it, it wouldn't have worked out. Maybe we'll reconnect someday, but I think we could both use some time and space."

 

Leaving someone alone shows that you accept their decision. You don't have to disappear forever, but let her have what she wants - the world without you. Live your own life and show that you can do it without her. That's confidence, and if you have any shot with her at all, that'll get you further than contacting her.

 

Contact at this point just shows that you have weak boundaries. That you're willing to take whatever scraps of attention you can get to "win her back". Not attractive in the slightest.

 

Good points, you are the first to put the alternative into a me in a way that makes sense. And for all I know you could be right. I just don't agree with the basic premise that someone will come crawling back to you because you left them alone. Especially not in my case where the primary cause of break up was her feeling I didn't love her. Yeah, getting bent out of shape after she told me shows I care, but that doesn't really say I'm willing to do whatever it takes long term. Disappearing will confirm what she thought all along. Showing her that I still love her, can still talk to her, while she's living her own life, I feel says a lot more.

 

I am not going to be meeting her every week for coffee, calling her, texting her sweet sentiments all day. Of course that would leave me without a chance. Actually, I don't even know exactly what I am going to say or what we will do, but I'm just going to do what I feel comes naturally at the time.

[heart attack kid]

Have to ask. Have you used this tactic before with past ex's and has it worked?

 

 

No, every situation is different, and this is what feels right at the moment.

[CelticGibson]

Why would she want to try again? Well if you leave her alone, go sort out in your head what went wrong with the relationship, allow some distance from all this involvement you insist on having and move on and become a new and exciting prospect for her in the future, you MIGHT just stand a chance... There are no guarantees however... but...

 

If you stick around, you will become like old leather, comfortable and nice to have around but not super sexy and lover material, you know, like the new guy will be. He will be the new shiny shoes that need time to break in before they become comfortable and you will be consigned to the friendzone old leather shoe bin...

 

No contact will give you a fighting chance because, like Pfenixphire said, you must respect her decision and leave her be. It shows confidence that you are willing to move on and accept her choice, that you are cool with not NEEDING her in order to HAVE her. That you want her but if that's not an option then okay, best of luck while I find someone who does want me. Ultimately it shows respect for yourself and her...

 

Your actions up until this point show neediness and desperation, despite your proclamations of being cool with it all and that is about as sexy as a damp squib on the 4th of July and you can bet she sees right through it all...

 

Of course there is a high chance that she may not come back at all, by which time, if you stick to No Contact, you may have moved on to someone else anyway. So No Contact is a win win for you either outcome...

[heart attack kid]

Why would she want to try again? Well if you leave her alone, go sort out in your head what went wrong with the relationship, allow some distance from all this involvement you insist on having and move on and become a new and exciting prospect for her in the future, you MIGHT just stand a chance... There are no guarantees however... but...

 

If you stick around, you will become like old leather, comfortable and nice to have around but not super sexy and lover material, you know, like the new guy will be. He will be the new shiny shoes that need time to break in before they become comfortable and you will be consigned to the friendzone old leather shoe bin...

 

No contact will give you a fighting chance because, like Pfenixphire said, you must respect her decision and leave her be. It shows confidence that you are willing to move on and accept her choice, that you are cool with not NEEDING her in order to HAVE her. That you want her but if that's not an option then okay, best of luck while I find someone who does want me. Ultimately it shows respect for yourself and her...

 

Your actions up until this point show neediness and desperation, despite your proclamations of being cool with it all and that is about as sexy as a damp squib on the 4th of July and you can bet she sees right through it all...

 

Of course there is a high chance that she may not come back at all, by which time, if you stick to No Contact, you may have moved on to someone else anyway. So No Contact is a win win for you either outcome...

 

 

Yeah, sorry man, I just disagree with that. Maybe in High School or College, but we are past that point. I am not "cool with it" believe me. And I've definitely made acts of desperation. The weird thing is because I never really did before, I know it surprised her, and not necessarily in a bad way. Actually, she even said, if you had acted like this 5 months ago (during another rough period), I probably would stay. She said she couldn't stay because she would resent me for changing her mind. And so she needed to leave. She said she still loved me.

 

She's going to get her space, I just don't prescribe to hard "no contact". It feels to forced to me. I could do it, but honestly I don't see a need to. If contacting my ex is obviously going no where, and she NEVER starts to contact me for any reason, I will get the message soon enough.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, sorry man, I just disagree with that. Maybe in High School or College, but we are past that point. I am not "cool with it" believe me. And I've definitely made acts of desperation. The weird thing is because I never really did before, I know it surprised her, and not necessarily in a bad way. Actually, she even said, if you had acted like this 5 months ago (during another rough period), I probably would stay. She said she couldn't stay because she would resent me for changing her mind. And so she needed to leave. She said she still loved me.

 

She's going to get her space, I just don't prescribe to hard "no contact". It feels to forced to me. I could do it, but honestly I don't see a need to. If contacting my ex is obviously going no where, and she NEVER starts to contact me for any reason, I will get the message soon enough.

 

All I gotta say is good luck, enjoy limbo and pack a flask -- you're going to need it.

 

This kind of sums up my thoughts, but hey, sometimes you have to jump in a forest fire to realize that it's a bit warm.

 

Edited January 11, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[heart attack kid]

All I gotta say is good luck, enjoy limbo and pack a flask -- you're going to need it.

 

No contact is limbo too, if you want her back. I guess I would rather find out what many of your think is the hard way. I'll know one way or another, but the way I figure it, the most painful part has happened. She left me, she basically said, "I don't want to be in your life anymore". Now, I could easily say fine then go and I'll never contact you again and hopefully you see what you had. That's a perfectly fine and reasonable way to act. Could "hanging around" hurt my chances, perhaps, or maybe by hearing from me or seeing me now and again, she'll want what she had just as well.

[CelticGibson]

Wait... she actually said "I don't want to be in your life anymore"???

 

Oh dear.... This isn't going to end well... for you...

[Simon Phoenix]

No contact is limbo too, if you want her back. I guess I would rather find out what many of your think is the hard way. I'll know one way or another, but the way I figure it, the most painful part has happened. She left me, she basically said, "I don't want to be in your life anymore". Now, I could easily say fine then go and I'll never contact you again and hopefully you see what you had. That's a perfectly fine and reasonable way to act. Could "hanging around" hurt my chances, perhaps, or maybe by hearing from me or seeing me now and again, she'll want what she had just as well.

 

I mean, you have your plan. Not sure why you are trying to convince us that it's right -- if you believe in it, do it I guess. You don't need us to validate it if you truly think it's the right approach. Just pack a helmet.

[CelticGibson]

...and some emotional body armour too....

[heart attack kid]

It's a plan yes, and I am not necessarily looking for validation, just offering a perspective. That's what this site is for no? I didn't expect the backlash and absolute definite need for no contact, but I am always up for some healthy discussion. I am not trying to convince anyone they must do it my way or that this will work. Actually, Just coming here and talking about it helpful, so thanks folks.

 

I read up a bit on Coping Vortex, and I feel bad for that dude and anyone who has to go through things like this. But try to keep an open mind and understand every single relationship is completely unique, and there are so many variables an outsider has no idea of, one of which is the ex's perspective.

 

And I just thought of something, and this is just me, I am not trying to implant my thoughts into others. But if and when I do no contact, it will be because I am no longer interested in the relationship. If I went no contact and she came back after after a month, 2 months, 3 months, I wouldn't want her anymore, I would've moved on. That's the key, I don't want to move on yet. And while you might say, well she does so too bad. I don't think it's always that cut and dry. Partly based on what she said, and partly based on our interactions.

 

I know I can find another woman. In fact I just want out with a cute Polish girl I hadn't seen in 3 years. A particular friend my ex didn't like me talking to for obvious reasons. But that doesn't mean I don't love my ex and would rather her in my life than anyone else.

[pickflicker]

It's a plan yes, and I am not necessarily looking for validation, just offering a perspective. That's what this site is for no? I didn't expect the backlash and absolute definite need for no contact, but I am always up for some healthy discussion. I am not trying to convince anyone they must do it my way or that this will work. Actually, Just coming here and talking about it helpful, so thanks folks.

 

I read up a bit on Coping Vortex, and I feel bad for that dude and anyone who has to go through things like this. But try to keep an open mind and understand every single relationship is completely unique, and there are so many variables an outsider has no idea of, one of which is the ex's perspective.

 

And I just thought of something, and this is just me, I am not trying to implant my thoughts into others. But if and when I do no contact, it will be because I am no longer interested in the relationship. If I went no contact and she came back after after a month, 2 months, 3 months, I wouldn't want her anymore, I would've moved on. That's the key, I don't want to move on yet. And while you might say, well she does so too bad. I don't think it's always that cut and dry. Partly based on what she said, and partly based on our interactions.

 

I know I can find another woman. In fact I just want out with a cute Polish girl I hadn't seen in 3 years. A particular friend my ex didn't like me talking to for obvious reasons. But that doesn't mean I don't love my ex and would rather her in my life than anyone else.

 

But there are very few variables. We aren't that unique. No contact is simple psychology (from my perspective). Right now, you're trying to command her respect through obeisance. That rarely works in any human interaction. We command respect by being confident and self-assured.

 

Break ups are pretty much the same. And I've yet to see a situation where NC for was detrimental to reconciliation. It didn't guarantee it, but it didn't hurt it. But your approach, I have seen fail spectacularly, time and time again.