My FWB

[Zlatograd]

It's a classical story about having a FWB. We started, he made clear he wasn't looking for a relationship, I accepted it but still.. one day I discovered I had feelings for him. Yes, at one point I was thinking that silly naive thing.. that MAYBE he would develope feelings for me as well. But now, after a fight we had just yesterday/today, I don't have this hope anymore. But I don't want to lose him.

 

So, the story goes like this - dating site, he wrote me, we both had marked "looking for a relationship", too. He had also "looking for casual sex".

We first met at a bar for an hour, I was really tired and I didn't have energy to go but I did. And it was awesome! I wouldn't have believed that I would like him so much - as a person. We laughed hard and we agreed we'd make a movie-night at his place on a Saturday evening.

Before that evening I wrote to him that I didn't want him to hit on me. I don't like hitting on on first or second date. At least that cheesy coming on.

He was surprised I was so straight-forward but agreed.

I didn't take anything for a sleep-over because I didn't plan to stay there. The night was awesome as well, even though we did watch only ten first minutes of the movie because we started talking. We drank beer and something else.. he confessed he had been married for four years and they had divorced just six months before our meeting. He told me he didn't want a relationship.

I felt myself comfortable with him, for the first time in my life I could tell everything about my private life to a guy - one night stands, crushes. Not that I told him everything about my sex history but the thing is, I didn't have to lie about anything, either. Or hide anything. I could be myself with him. The feeling was amazing. And I couldn't believe it was only the second meeting.

Anyway, we drank too much of course and since I had missed the last bus I agreed to stay the night. I went sleeping next to him (because he only had a bed, no couch or anything) and of course we had sex. Drunken sex, but sex.

 

In the morning I felt weird. We weren't so open with each other anymore and he seemed to drift away, watching some things from his computer. He asked me what's wrong and I told him about my dilemma - I liked him but I knew he didn't want a relationship. But I didn't want a **** buddy - I did want us to be at least friends. But if we would've made those nights again, got drunk, it would've been obvious what would've happened.

He told me he really liked me too but he didn't want me to fall in love with him because I would've only get hurt. He told me that he wanted to have sex with me but if it would've be too much for me we could've been only friends. With no benefits.

We didn't get to any conclusion and I left. We met several times after that - the same thing - drinking, laughing, talking, ****ing, sleeping. And mornings were weird. Then he left for a month and we didn't keep in touch. When he came back, he didn't contact me. I didn't contact with him either. For a month.

But then one night when I was in the city clubbing and my friends were too drunk and I was bored, I texted him, asked why hadn't we talked. He said he thought I didn't want to talk to him anymore.

He was close-by so we met and went to his place. We were both really happy that we saw each other again. We had sex several times during the night and we slept all day till 5 PM. Then I went home and he went somewhere else.

 

I left for two weeks but we agreed to see each other after that. We did. On a Saturday evening, it was now three days ago. We drank beer, watched a movie I had brought with my, he cooked me some food. We laughed, talked, as usual. We made out very much during talking. It was sweet. Then we went to bed, had sex, fell asleep.

In the morning he had to go to a friends place but promised to be back in half an hour. When he got back I was still in bed, he went straight to his computer, turned it on and started watching some videos. I turned quiet because I felt very bad. Twenty minutes after that he asked did I want to watch, too, but I said I didn't have my lenses. He asked did I want to do something else but it seemed to be just a polite question. I answered "I don't know". Stupid, yes.

After an hour I left, but he was confused because I left in a hurry and didn't even look at him (actually I was about to start crying, that's why - unfortunately I start crying very easily but I don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable because of it). He didn't follow me, he didn't text, he didn't call. Nothing.

So in the evening I sent him a letter explaining why I acted like this and why did I feel bad (the ignoring in the mornings, turning on computer just like that and watching some stuff like I wasn't even there). My letter was quite soft, I think, but I did say what was wrong in my opinion.

He read it but didn't answer. I thought he wanted time to think or couldn't answer right away. But when a day went by I turned impatient. So yesterday evening when I didn't get sleep because of that I wrote him again asking was he going to answer. He answered. Today. His letter was very specific and rough. He said he had been clear from the beginning about his intentions and he did think I had understood. He said he had given his best not to be a ****head but since I had brought my emotions to this thing we couldn't go on.

In the end he said it is probably the end of it and goodbye.

I was devastated. I just sat in front of my computer, tears running down my face and tried to accept he had written me these words. He had never been like this.

 

I answered him. I said he had understood wrong, I didn't hope for a relationship, I just wanted us to have normal friendship.

I couldn't wait and when he hadn't seen my letter in an hour I texted him asking if we could talk in the evening. He said we could, but late in the evening. He hasn't come yet so we haven't talked.

 

Well, yeah, I was naive, I did hope this idiotic thing - that eventually he would want to be with me for real. Why? Because we have a really good time together. And it is not only when we're drunk - when we do meet, at first we are sober and it doesn't change anything. I don't imagine things, he does have a good time with me, too.

But today I realized there's probably never going to be anything more than FWB.

The saddest thing is.. we aren't even friends. I thought we were, he said I was his friend and I said it to him, I said that I have never called anyone my friend in such a short time and that this word has a deeper thought for me than just somebody to hang out with. It meant I trusted him:

So why do I say we aren't friends? Because a friend would never throw a friend away just like that. I know what I did was wrong, too, but.. from his story it seems I was the only one who had done something wrong.

Right now I think I want to continue that. But I would leave first thing in the morning to avoid this crappy feeling again. At the same time I know it wouldn't be easy for me because he is dear to me.

Do you think it is wrong of me to torture myself just because I want to keep him in my life?

I know I have to move on someday.. but I am just too coward to think about that day right now.

I just don't know how to erase that one good person from my life. So many friends have left me (it's mainly because I moved) and he is one of the few I really want to spend time with. But now I know I don't mean anything more to him than just a good time. I would like to be strong but right now I just can't.

Yes, you guys can't really help me, the only person who can help me is me. But maybe.. you could tell me your opinions. Even if you think I should forget about him.

 

Thank you.

Edited January 7, 2014 by Zlatograd

[Eggplant]

Forget him. FWB is a terrible idea. Do you notice how the more frantically you try to contact him and get reassurance, the more he freaks out and blocks you? Stop all contact.

[MrMeh]

I understand that you enjoy your friendship with him, but you are always going to be wanting more from it. He keeps you on the side for sex and

emotionally disposes of you when he's done. Maybe you don't have great friends right now, but that doesn't mean you should settle for a turbulent

relationship.

[KatZee]

He uses you for sex and for occasional companionship. Do not mistake this as a being a "relationship" or a "friendship." It's not. You're merely a placeholder for when he's bored/lonely/horny/got nothing better to do.

 

He WAS honest from day one. So you can't really blame him for "burning" you. He didn't. You chose to ignore the words right out of his mouth, but you know this. Lesson learned. When a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, BELIEVE HIM, and do not proceed further.

 

You are not capable of being FWB with this guy. You caught feelings. And now because you have feelings, you need to remove yourself completely. He's not some platonic friend that's going to be there for you in your time of need, or rush to help you, or be a shoulder to cry on, or any of that. He's not a friend.

 

You had your fun with him, it's run its course. FWB situations are not meant to last forever, and they rarely do. One usually always catches feelings and then it's over.

 

To continue on with this guy is just foolish. You're only going to be hurting yourself when you start falling for him even MORE, and he again tells you that he's NOT looking to date you at all.

 

If you need a dose of harsh reality, here it is: You're good enough to hook up with. You're not good enough to date. Even if a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, if he meets a woman who blows his socks right off, he's GOING to lock her down.

 

If that doesn't make you feel horrible enough to walk away, I don't know what will.

Edited January 9, 2014 by KatZee

[givemu1]

First of all, FWB rarely work. I know, I've been in two of them with 2 guy friends. Someone winds up getting hurt. I had to realize what I was doing to myself and why I was settling for men that only wanted to rock my world a few nights a week, and send me packing.

 

No matter how honest either of you are about establishing boundaries, "I don't want a relationship", or "It's just FWB." One person will ALWAYS fall for the other and when the love is not reciprocated....it is a devastating situation to lose a friend and a lover at the same time when things go sour.

 

Another thing about those boundaries: You CANNOT help who you fall in love with, or who you care about. If he get's angry, let him be angry. You can't just turn off those deep emotions. If he was a true friend, beyond the sexual adventures, he would understand and be a little bit nicer.

 

Some men are very affectionate in bed; cuddle, kissing, holding each other, spooning, and making passionate love. This gives us the impression that we are "getting somewhere". In reality, the FWB is using you to get his emotional ego fix without the attachment. (Having the cake and eating it too!) IMO....women are to blame if they continue to hide their feelings in hopes that one day he might see the light! He will keep getting sex and you will get nothing!

 

Ask yourself a few questions:

 

If I really got what I wanted (commitment/reciprocated love) would I be truly happy?

 

If he confesses his love for me, will I just get bored later on because the thrill of winning his affection is gone?

 

Does he respect me and my feelings?

 

And the big ones....Where is my self-worth? Am I willing to give up my sanity for a man that only uses me for self gratification?

 

I asked myself these questions after I began to feel used. Boundaries were set in the beginning, and I poured my heart out after months of being FWB, only to be manipulated by their statements of selfish, lying reciprocation to get what they wanted. (Some men will tell and confess to you anything to keep having you at their beck and call)

 

I learned the hard way that true friends will never think twice about being FWB because they value you as a person, confidant, and would never hurt you, or make you feel anything but happy.

 

After a couple months, I got over my last FWB and realized I wasn't in love with him, I was in love with the comfort of being with someone even if it meant I had to shelter my feelings. Also, you can't really blame them if you keep allowing it to happen. If you told him how you felt, and he still didn't reciprocate, and you kept having sex with him; you knew you were going to get hurt. You can't make someone see how much you love them, you can't do things for them to make them love you, and you definitely can't make them love you period.

 

This is going to sound mean, but you have to stop contacting him, it makes you appear needy, and insecure. No man in this world wants a woman that constantly hounds him for anything. Especially if he doesn't feel the same way. It pushes him farther and farther away. I was so guilty of this, but as soon as I went no contact....they were blowing my phone up. I did not answer!

 

Lastly, using friendship as a tactic to be apart of his life will never work either, especially if you still have feelings for him. It turns into a never ending cycle of why?, self bashing, or leads you to believe that sexual attraction and flirting is his way changing his feelings.

 

Please believe me when I say that discovering my self worth did me a lot of good. I know what I will and will not take from a man, I know that I am worth way more than lay, and deserve to be treated with honesty, respect, and should be valued as a person. I wasn't valuing myself because I was continuously allowing these "FWB" to use my body even after the feelings had been brought forth, in hopes that sex would be a way to his heart. It doesn't work that way.

 

I feel your pain and empathize with you. Loving someone that doesn't love you back is hard especially when we consider these people friends.

 

Good Luck!

[Phantom888]

It really makes me sick when guys get away with such selfish immature behavior. Yes he made it clear from the beginning that he's not interested in a relationship. Then he should also keep his dick in his pants. Friends don't ****. He was totally taking advantage, and acting like a boyfriend. He was stringing you along, and making you believe you had a chance. How else could he have gotten free sex?

 

Well I'm glad you plan to drop him. He is no good. Stay away from these types of men.... they are selfish takers, and will literally drain your life.

[melell]

He told you straight up he didn't want a relationship? And you knew he was looking for casual sex.

 

I am going to be honest-

 

Why were you throwing your emotions into this despite the red flags? I don't think you are being very nice to yourself.. make sure you are completely happy with yourself, and with being alone, before you start looking for a relationship.