Unsure of where to go from here

[throw_away_77777]

About us

 

1. Known each other since 4th grade. Both 27 now
   
2. Dated for the 1st time and lived together after college for a year, engagement for a year, and now married 1.5 years.
   
3. Kind of a pre-destined marriage, families are very close.
   
4. No kids yet, own a house, both work full time decent paying jobs (40k each)
   

Our problems

 

1. We are both stubborn
   
2. I dont think we really had a time to figure if we were right for each other. Everything just fell into place and we figured we could make it work.
   
3. We dont share a lot of common interests. Take a weekend for example. I have no problem hanging around the house, watching football, and playing some video games. She always wants to be doing stuff (snowboarding, festivals, etc) that I really dont have an interest in. I feel often that she expects me to do them and enjoy doing them, and doing it just to do it without really enjoying it wont cut it.
   
4. She can be controlling. Expects me to spend every second of free time with her. I feel I have to do exactly as she asks or as she expects. If i dont fulfill her expectations she can be very brunt and gets on my case very often. I cant even go play video games after she sleeps without her saying "she wants to know I'm there when shes sleeping". Trying to go out for a night or very occasional (2-3 times a year) weekend with friends always results in a fight. We have had issues on and off about these things for a long time, but its starting to hit a point.
   
5. This constant bruntness and need for attention has caused me to lose my love for her.
   
6. My lack of love has caused further issues as she has been complaining that I dont show affection and that we are loveless.
   
7. We have discussed this but I feel she is not willing to give up any control. She says she cant trust that I wont say no to everything, and she gives me the "we are just roomates right now" speech.
   

The questions

 

1. Is there a chance to make this work? Half of me is ready to call it quits, the other half wants to keep trying since we have such a long history. If we could be happy together then I'm in but I dont want to waste a year of my life for nothing.
   
2. We have been going to counseling, but next sunday will be the first since our big fight where divorce really came up as an option, and the first where I've stopped lying to her and myself and told her that I dont feel the same about her that I once did.
   
3. Any questions to ask the counselor now that **** has really hit the fan?
   
4. Any questions for me? Am I a bad person for asking for some free time and flexibility?
   

Edited January 7, 2014 by throw_away_77777

[RightThere]

Any questions for me? Am I a bad person for asking for some free time and flexibility?

 

The only question you should be asking is "What do you want?"

 

If you are half checked out, then then either s&^* or get off the pot. It is possible to work things out, but it's going to require effort (on both your parts).

 

But the better question is, what do you want? Do you want to be out of this marriage. Do you not really want to put in the work required to try and fix your relationship?

 

If you answer is "I'm not sure" then your real answer is "NO" and you should move on.

[throw_away_77777]

The only question you should be asking is "What do you want?"

 

If you are half checked out, then then either s&^* or get off the pot. It is possible to work things out, but it's going to require effort (on both your parts).

 

But the better question is, what do you want? Do you want to be out of this marriage. Do you not really want to put in the work required to try and fix your relationship?

 

If you answer is "I'm not sure" then your real answer is "NO" and you should move on.

 

If this could work I would be happy with marriage, but I'm just not sure if this is a case of A)Asking for too much asking for some individuality,being selfish, and should work on myself or B)Her expectations of me are unreasonable, and if she is not willing to make a change we should be done

[RightThere]

If this could work I would be happy with marriage, but I'm just not sure if this is a case of A)Asking for too much asking for some individuality,being selfish, and should work on myself or B)Her expectations of me are unreasonable, and if she is not willing to make a change we should be done

 

What you mean to say is that this could work, if only she'd do what you ask.

 

Basically you're not willing to make any changes, so no, I don't think you are in the right head space to repair your relationship and yes, you should probably separate.

[throw_away_77777]

What you mean to say is that this could work, if only she'd do what you ask.

 

Basically you're not willing to make any changes, so no, I don't think you are in the right head space to repair your relationship and yes, you should probably separate.

 

I'm willing to make changes, I just want to know if her expectations are unreasonable. I feel as though no is never an option when she asks me to do something for her or with her, even though we spend a ton of time together as it is. We have talked about this, and all I ask is for the option of being able to do my own thing if it is not something we both have an interest for (me going to watch football in the basement while she watches Kardashians upstairs).

 

In short I feel she is very controlling, and relies often solely on me for her support and happiness.

[RightThere]

I'm willing to make changes, I just want to know if her expectations are unreasonable. I feel as though no is never an option when she asks me to do something for her or with her, even though we spend a ton of time together as it is. We have talked about this, and all I ask is for the option of being able to do my own thing if it is not something we both have an interest for (me going to watch football in the basement while she watches Kardashians upstairs).

 

I don't know if you realize it, but you're making a lot of excuses as to why you shouldn't have to do this. Don't focus at all on what you think she needs to do to improve things. Just focus on what you're willing to contribute or do.

 

In short I feel she is very controlling, and relies often solely on me for her support and happiness.

 

And if she doesn't feel like she's getting support and happiness from you, what do you think she's going to do about that?

[imtooconfused]

If this could work I would be happy with marriage, but I'm just not sure if this is a case of A)Asking for too much asking for some individuality,being selfish, and should work on myself or B)Her expectations of me are unreasonable, and if she is not willing to make a change we should be done

 

These are questions that a talented counselor can help you two sort out. I am not saying any counselor, but one who can see through the he-said-she-said of most marital difficulties. Yes, you may need to change, but at the same time, you have expectations of being allowed to be "who you are" without fear of reprisals. Again, those are things that need to be worked out in a professional setting.

 

As to what questions to ask the counselor... I think the questions quoted above are a good start!

[throw_away_77777]

I don't know if you realize it, but you're making a lot of excuses as to why you shouldn't have to do this. Don't focus at all on what you think she needs to do to improve things. Just focus on what you're willing to contribute or do.

 

 

 

And if she doesn't feel like she's getting support and happiness from you, what do you think she's going to do about that?

 

I wasnt sure what you meant by this but I get it now. I know you are talking about how i should stop making excuses to leave, but thats not the point i'm trying to get across. It's more of a "here's what I see is going on in the relationship", and I'm just trying to get an outside opinion as to whether I'm being reasonable or not in my expectations of marriage. I pretty much just want to make sure Im not making a rash decision, and that I'm not just being an ass. While I dont feel the same love I once did, I still care about her as a person, and I think I should do my best to explore all options in case that love can come back. We have a lot to lose.

 

As for her support and happiness, I feel I have been very supporting, and spend a ton of time with her as it is. My problem is the second I want to do something for myself (such as go see friends or watch football in another room), she gives me the "you dont care about me, you dont spend any time with me" bit. At the same time she spends most of the summer (shes a teacher) away from our house at our family vacation home, while I spend most weeks alone at home working.

 

Not an excuse to leave, just another example of my main issue with this relationship. I appreciate the hard but true response though as it is making me think. I have been making excuses in my head as to why we should split, and I should stop and focus on what could be done to fix this.

 

These are questions that a talented counselor can help you two sort out. I am not saying any counselor, but one who can see through the he-said-she-said of most marital difficulties. Yes, you may need to change, but at the same time, you have expectations of being allowed to be "who you are" without fear of reprisals. Again, those are things that need to be worked out in a professional setting.

 

As to what questions to ask the counselor... I think the questions quoted above are a good start!

 

We have been seeing a counselor for a month and a half now, but not for a few weeks (winter break). During that time is when we had our big big fight where the d word was thrown around in a serious way. That's when I also stopped lying to her and myself about the fact that i dont feel very much love for her anymore. We both have our problems, but I am very much looking forward to this counseling session now that everything really is on the table.

Edited January 8, 2014 by throw_away_77777

[RightThere]

I wasnt sure what you meant by this but I get it now. I know you are talking about how i should stop making excuses to leave, but thats not the point i'm trying to get across.

 

That's kind of what I meant, but not totally. I mean you are making excuses as to why you shouldn't have to fix anything on your end. It's all her fault, her actions, etc. This is a quote that has been attributed to Brad Pitt. Not sure if it's legit but it's pretty good:

 

A Secret of Love

 

My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and problems with children. She has lost 30 pounds and weighted about 90 pounds in her 35 years. She got very skinny, and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the morning and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon ... But then I decided to act on it. After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on the earth. She is the ideal of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her shoulders. I began to pepper her with flowers, kisses and complements. I surprised her and pleased every minute. I gave her lots of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe, but she has blossomed. She became even better than before. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and she loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.

 

And then I realized one thing: "The woman is the reflection of her man"

 

Brad Pitt

 

It's something different to everyone, but should just make you think that you're going to get out of your relationship what you put in it.

 

I have been making excuses in my head as to why we should split, and I should stop and focus on what could be done to fix this.

 

You've got a good mindset here. I guess my only advice is either get all in, or get all out. I'm not saying you are a bad person for wanting to split or looking at why you should split. But do so because of self reflection on the relationship. Not outward reflection on what your wife is or isn't doing.

 

Good luck

[throw_away_77777]

That's kind of what I meant, but not totally. I mean you are making excuses as to why you shouldn't have to fix anything on your end. It's all her fault, her actions, etc.

 

Now that I'm reading over my posts, it is coming off as me blaming it all on her. I know, and have told her, that I have my own issues to contend with, and that I am definitely far from perfect. Deep down I think its an issue of 2 people with different wants/needs on the opposite ends of the spectrum. We will see what the counseling session brings, and go from there.

 

Thanks for the insight

[RightThere]

Now that I'm reading over my posts, it is coming off as me blaming it all on her. I know, and have told her, that I have my own issues to contend with, and that I am definitely far from perfect. Deep down I think its an issue of 2 people with different wants/needs on the opposite ends of the spectrum. We will see what the counseling session brings, and go from there.

 

Thanks for the insight

 

I've been to my share of counselling and made some mistakes with ones early on. Don't go in with any kind of mindset that your wife needs to be fixed, or about focusing on what she's doing/not doing.

 

Your job at counselling is to look only at yourself, what you are doing, what you are not doing, and what you want to change about yourself. Let your wife do her own work on herself.

 

If she only focuses on you and what you're not doing, then you'll get a bit of an indication as to how long it's going to take her to properly contribute to repairing the marriage.