Amalphia Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 Um Hello Everyone I just signed on to this site today. I was wondering if someone could please help me?! Im sure you have heard similiar problems in the past but I really need some advice. Ok Here goes.... I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now and at the beginning of our relationship he and I would have sex two or three times but now he doesnt even want to touch me. He is VERY selfish when it comes to sex. He doesnt want to do much of anything. He will play with my nipples for a while and then its wham bam thank you ma'am. I have told him this over and over but he just thinks im complaining and gets all depressed because he thinks he is a bad lover. Which he is NOT. Also he has a computer and ever since this thing came into our lives I have been secondary. He is always on that Friggin thing. If I say anything about it he gets mad and says im controlling him and that he was in a four year hell hole marriage that was all about control and he wont deal with a controlling relationship again. He will turn me down (sexually) and then the next day (if given the opportunity) watch all kinds of porn on that stupid machine. Now I am not a fat woman im 6'0 at 177 pounds and he is always telling me how he loves my body and how I turn him on and all that but when I go on his computer and see what hes been watching they are al bloonde, really skinny with really large breast and asses and they are always in pantyhose or rubbing somthing on another woman that is with them. Now I have dies my hair blonde (from red), I have brought in other women and I have tried the sexy outfits I see him watching but it doesnt work. The only time my attempts have worked was when I brought in the other woman and I REFUSE to have to go to those lengths. Lastly he just recently told me three very distressing bits of news in the past week. Ok 1. he dreads having sex with me. 2. Im childish (hes 14 years my senior) 3. He resents me for not being able to do what he wants to do. Now he has apologized for saying all of htese things but everything said always has a ring of truth. COULD SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVISE!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Confused_nightingale Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 i know it would be hard thing to do but i think you should either leave him or cheat on him, hurt him as much as (by the sounds of it) hes hurting you. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 Ok 1. he dreads having sex with me. 2. Im childish (hes 14 years my senior) 3. He resents me for not being able to do what he wants to do. UMM HELLO??!! With the evidence you've just given us about him NOT wanting to have sex with you, then obviously him saying this to you, I think you know he meant it! You deserve better and shouldn't have to change yourself for any man or do anything you're uncomfortable with in order to please him. I say end the relationship and find someone who appreciates you and leave him to "follow" his fantasies! Link to post Share on other sites
hooghie Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 This sounds like a REALLY bad and somewhat abusive relationship. You shouldn't have to bring in other women and die your hair for a guy to like you. It's one thing to watch porn/masterbate sometimes and another to tell you that he hates having sex with you. There are plenty of men who would love a girl like you and that is what you need. This guy is not only not that into you, he is MEAN about it. Please, be a strong woman and drop him- I guarentee you can do much better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amalphia Posted January 9, 2005 Author Share Posted January 9, 2005 I love him and I dont want to leave him I have already put in so much. The rest of our relationship is good. He is scarred from his previous marriage and he does truly love me. Does anyone have any advice that doesnt involve me leaving him? Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 Originally posted by Amalphia I love him and I dont want to leave him I have already put in so much. The rest of our relationship is good. He is scarred from his previous marriage and he does truly love me. Does anyone have any advice that doesnt involve me leaving him? Problems I see... if he truly does love you...why the computer/porn addiction? He is VERY selfish when it comes to sex. He doesnt want to do much of anything. He will play with my nipples for a while and then its wham bam thank you ma'am. I have told him this over and over but he just thinks im complaining and gets all depressed because he thinks he is a bad lover. Which he is NOT. He's selfish when it comes to sex but he's not a bad lover? What is your definition of a bad lover? Your needs aren't being met..his are apparently or apparently not by other things you've said. I can understand a guy being gunshy after a bad marriage/relationship but meh.. try telling him what your want him to do to you in bed. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 Originally posted by Amalphia he does truly love me. You have listed out many negatives, but no positives. I've seen nothing in your posts to suggest that he loves you or even cares about you. It would help to list those things he does that shows you that he loves you. And telling you doesn't count - what are a few things that he does to SHOW you that he loves you. These are things that should make you feel warm, secure, happy, content, and so on. Would you mind listing a few things so that we can get a clearer picture of why you would say that he loves you? Link to post Share on other sites
blueeyes24 Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 To me it sounds like all he is doing is trying to push you away. Ya he might say sorry for things he has said but the question is does he mean them. I would make him sit down and listen to you and if that dont work leave him and see what happens from there. If he really does care for you and love you he would not hurt you in anyway. He will also try and work it out with you if he dont want you to leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 Love is about treating someone with respect and caring. So say again how you think this guy 'loves' you? Oh, he may say he loves you, but it's sounding like the kind of 'love' which is really appreciation for cleaning house and cooking and letting him into your vagina every now and then. The porn isn't the issue, but his problems are a huge issue. Men who feel they have been 'controlled' in the past (some have, some have not actually been 'controlled') can be uncooperative and selfish to deal with. Are these admirable qualities to you? Ask him to attend counselling with you and if he refuses, then dump him. Things will never get better - this is the life you can expect to lead henceforth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amalphia Posted January 10, 2005 Author Share Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia You have listed out many negatives, but no positives. I've seen nothing in your posts to suggest that he loves you or even cares about you. It would help to list those things he does that shows you that he loves you. And telling you doesn't count - what are a few things that he does to SHOW you that he loves you. These are things that should make you feel warm, secure, happy, content, and so on. Would you mind listing a few things so that we can get a clearer picture of why you would say that he loves you? Im very sorry you are right I havent listed any of the positives. He is kind, Generous, Intelligent. He breaks away from what he is doing sometimes adn comes and gives me a hug for no reason. He is open and honest (about most things). He has never done anything to hurt me and he never would. He is excellent with children and animals. He is a beautiful person inside and out. I would never want to give up this relationship over sex and his computer. That is why I asked for your guys' help. Does this make it any better or easier for you to understand? Link to post Share on other sites
rachael Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 tell him to sack that computer off and try and concentate on the most important aspects of life which is you. dont let him walk all over you tell him straight and u never know it might make you feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
johnnyl321 Posted January 26, 2005 Share Posted January 26, 2005 hide the bloody computer. tell him to shape up, or ship out. how does he go from a "disastrous" marriage to making another marriage disastrous all the same? put your foot down and show him you're a living, breathing human being with feelings. explain the odds. there are over 6,000,000,000 living on this planet, finding another male to keep you happy shouldn't be too difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
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