online relationship with ups and downs + first meet up

[nomadic_butterfly]

Thanks.

 

I am still more concerned with the friendship/base respect part. I think what I'm hearing is that my hurt/anger is not really founded since we were never committed, but what does it all tell me about his level of connection anyhow? As I said I do not open myself to many people at all. And I feel I was massively lied to and used or else have a poor understanding of what's normal in these online relationships.

 

How do I bring this all up to him? Or not at all?

 

I am having a hard time understanding what he did that was sooo wrong? I mean most people don't take "relationships" that haven't materialized in real life seriously and understandably so. Unless he was promising the sun, moon and stars I don't get where he went wrong. Nothing was concrete or else you both would have met long before 1 1/2yrs. If I even was super interested in a guy and he turned down me meeting him multiple times, including at my expense I would seek other real life viable options.

 

I think it is unwise to be heavily emotionally invested in someone whom you've never met in real life. Granted, I generally can tell if only will translate well into real life but if it's for extended periods of time, I am not sure how one can expect people not to crave something tangible. We are only human. If someone within one's reach comes along, most people will carpe diem. If I had met someone in real life before the guy I aforementioned, I'd probably drop him too if the new person had potential for longevity and there was nothing concrete about us meeting. I mean it's too much of a gamble, ESPECIALLY when online is the source of the meet-up.

 

If you are deciding to be friends you have to forgive and let the past go and focus on the present. Having a lot of resentment will not solve anything. Just meet for the coffee, then if afterwards he suggests a friendship say sure, but you just wanted to get XYZ off your chest and clear the air.

[neenoo]

I am having a hard time understanding what he did that was sooo wrong? I mean most people don't take "relationships" that haven't materialized in real life seriously and understandably so. Unless he was promising the sun, moon and stars I don't get where he went wrong.

....

 

I am not sure how one can expect people not to crave something tangible. We are only human. If someone within one's reach comes along, most people will carpe diem.

 

...

 

If you are deciding to be friends you have to forgive and let the past go and focus on the present. Having a lot of resentment will not solve anything. Just meet for the coffee, then if afterwards he suggests a friendship say sure, but you just wanted to get XYZ off your chest and clear the air.

 

Hi butterfly, first off let me say thanks so much for having an open mind with this and listening through the details. I appreciate it!

 

So I think a lot of people wonder what he did was wrong too. And I would say that there is "wrong" in terms of a majority rule, and then there's wrong when you take into account the health of a relationship between two individual people. I happen to take being able to trust what a person says to me in the power to hurt me as paramount, and I am aware that I am not like other people. I tell everyone I get involved with that this is how I am. I'd say pretty much the second if not the first conversation I have with them. They would say they understood, and then I'd watch to see if the actions went through with it. THen I'd trust them.

 

I think I've already said that I could concede that my being a minority can make excusing what i find distasteful as unreasonable on my part to apply my own standards to his. (that is, holding him tight to his words because i have such a vigilant stance on them is not exactly fair if noone else is this way and he understood me as the majority). basically, i just feel he led me on or he didnt, about how he felt about me, and i'm in pain because i don't know the difference. I feel that this is similar to asking for closure.. to have that person take the time and care to sit down with you and show you you've got it wrong, that they actually care and are your friend. in this case i think he did make me think i was his best friend, in those words and others; and in tender actions and time spent; he made me think this is normal for a friendship, for the friendship with me. If its going to change, I'd need to talk about it. he took away all contact and shut down talks as something he didn't owe and now is back without a mention... (besides apologizing for not keeping in touch but as i said it did not sink in as there was no explanation nor follow up with time spent texting or calling me).

 

Whether or not you or the other person thinks this is what a friend is, I think I made it clear from day one what i required in terms of understanding and trust, and to know this and do otherwise implies deceit, and lack of care for my feelings. I want to know if I can trust this person with my feelings in the future since the "lie", if it turns out to be this, is the basis of the friendship.

 

And if I were to forget everything (not the same as coming to terms with it), I woudln't know how to begin trusting again. Is the first sentence out of his mouth true? I am exaggerating, but not by much.

 

I just think the bottom line is, my friend hurt me, and what is he going to do about it? Say, hey thats life i dont care. Or is he going to say (some annoyance is a ok by me), "look, what's up? why cant we be friends? are you kidding me? Of course I care I couldn't keep in touch because x". I think in any other friendship, if you found out they lied to you for a year, you would wonder if you could trust them. and lack of trust could destroy the friendship.

Edited January 9, 2014 by neenoo

[justwhoiam]

Neenoo, how old are you? Was this the first and only person you talked to online?

 

VIRTUAL WORLD

First of all, when you meet someone online, you enter a virtual world. You can shift the connection to real life, but a) some are not interested to do so, b) some might be scared to do so, c) others might want to but cannot for reasons that do not depend on them.

So, it is just wise to keep people at a distance until when you are pretty sure that you can trust them, and you know enough details about them (home address, home phone number, where they work, where their family is, etc.)

But if the relationship remains virtual, there will be something missing anyway. The other person can become like an old friend that you can just hear from once in a blue moon, and it won't affect what happened in the past. There will be times when communication goes down to a minimum, if any at all. Because each of you is living their own life. Think of Forrest Gump. That's how it goes.

 

REJECTION

This man was ready and willing to meet you IRL after a couple of months of meeting you online. You declined for "technical reasons" we don't know. Maybe you were not OK with what he was offering, or thought it was too soon to meet him, or it was not the best time for you. Whatever the reason, and whatever way you look at it, you rejected his offer and did not offer any alternative to it (like e.g.: No, April is not OK for me, let's meet up in May). But he didn't leave. He kept talking to you. And you must acknowledge that. So we can safely say he was OK with just a virtual friendship.

 

EXPECTATIONS

You were interested in this man romantically, but you didn't give him a chance to know you in person. At this point, you can hold onto hopes of getting together, but you can't have any expectation whatsoever.

As a friend, he did cut down communication, but he was dating a woman, so between work and dating, he probably had little time for a virtual friend. And that in itself is not enough for you to claim anything more. He was probably busy texting a woman, and calling her at night, and so on.

 

FEELINGS

Some people are more sensitive than others, I can fall into this category myself. But I noticed I'm only so sensitive when I really do care about the other person. If someone doesn't care about me, that in itself might mean nothing to me. It starts bothering me when this comes from someone I am quite attached to. Also, at times it's just people's fault, you think he should get in touch with you or be more responsive to your messages, he might think: well, if she's interested in me, she gets in touch with me, and so forth. And that's how it slowly fades away. What with being busy, what with waiting for the other to reach out, what with reading the other's replies as careless, people stop fostering a connection.

 

ONLY A SIDE OF THE COIN

Yours is only one side of the coin. Always remember this. He might have complaints about you too. You refused to meet him, you probably didn't show him enough interest in him as a man. And he was looking for a woman more than just a friend. A friend is always valuable, of course, but he needs something else.

 

That said, you need to do what you feel best for yourself. It looks like you tend to linger on past things. I can do that too at times, when I feel something's up in the air, unsolved.

I would probably turn down the morning coffee on a working day, making sure he knows why, but without giving him too many details. You feel he kind of forgot about you and it didn't sink in well with you. If he gets the hint, he might want to make up for that somehow. Or disappear completely. I wouldn't want to be screened or scrutinized. I'd ask him if he wants to meet up on a Saturday (provided he doesn't work on Saturdays) or Sunday or another day when he's off. In the afternoon. And if we want to take it further, we could have dinner together and spend part of the night together until when I have to go home. But for all that to happen, you need to know enough about him and be intimate enough with him. And I guess you're not there yet. You don't even know if he has a girlfriend... He's more an acquaintance than a friend.

[neenoo]

I would probably turn down the morning coffee on a working day, making sure he knows why, but without giving him too many details. You feel he kind of forgot about you and it didn't sink in well with you. If he gets the hint, he might want to make up for that somehow. Or disappear completely. I wouldn't want to be screened or scrutinized. I'd ask him if he wants to meet up on a Saturday (provided he doesn't work on Saturdays) or Sunday or another day when he's off. In the afternoon. And if we want to take it further, we could have dinner together and spend part of the night together until when I have to go home. But for all that to happen, you need to know enough about him and be intimate enough with him. And I guess you're not there yet. You don't even know if he has a girlfriend... He's more an acquaintance than a friend.

 

hey, no it's not the first person online. it's not the first person in person/world. I said that i have specific rules as to what makes me open myself and i thought he fit those criteria. Yes, i'm sensitive. Im not what most people would consider young i guess. If that helps others place me in a category.

 

I am struggling as i don't trust him and would like to gain it back. I think your advice is to start from scratch because the online world is not a whole picture. what would you think that i could take from it, if not expectations about a relationship?

 

I also feel more that this applies to a romance only. As i said before my closest friends (grandted I did meet them and spend time with them in college) have been connected to me by a string of there-for-me talks and i feel they know me and my language.

 

If you dont call this a friendship it is what i would be satisfied with. It doesnt mean Id be satisfied with it for a relationship romantically. This question is spepcific to this situation only.

[neenoo]

I would probably turn down the morning coffee on a working day, making sure he knows why, but without giving him too many details.

 

..He's more an acquaintance than a friend.

 

I don't know all the details of my friend's lives. i guess i am thinking is this person someone who could be a friend? I understand people change but the core of my close friends has allowed us to keep contact. but i did know all the details while we were talking that you mentioned. Everything about family, friends, dog, address, gfs.

 

by the way, i brought up the coffee issue.. does he think im a weirdo? He told me a reason i find acceptable that he thought it would be easier. So I'm completely over the coffee thing. As far as letting him know i'm miffed about it, I told him we could wait until he has time, ie time to talk to me properly.

 

Im just confused with all this advice, because what basis would i have to meet them if nothing in the past mattered, or if I am to have different expectations of what people tell me while we haven't met yet? I think any friendship needs as its basis that trust and for me it resides in being able to open up and talk. While it may be true that its not the only thing that is needed for a friendship according to the board, it is a necessary component at least for me. Since this changed for me and this guy, I am wondering if this casts doubt on the veracity of the prior connection. This is so important for me to understand because it makes me feel that I can likely trust him in the future, and that the change in behavior came from outside circumstances (the gf).

 

Like I said, perhaps this is the wrong question, or one that can't be answered. Perhaps it is not one that people want to answer because they think what only matters now is what happens in real life. I would like a statement on what, if anything, says for sure that there was not genuine care there.

 

I hope i've made it clear that what I am looking for is not whether what he and I have now is a friendship as its been described here as in the real world, it's whether if I can believe that he liked me for me (as i believed of him from what he did). As I'm still me I would go into this hopeful that we could become intimate friends once again.

 

Maybe there was no friendship and only romance, then we could have nothing now..

Edited January 9, 2014 by neenoo

[FitChick]

Newly divorced people are a bad risk whether they are your neighbor or thousands of miles away. Wait two or three years, then they are ready for commitment with someone. This guy -- if you only want a pen pal -- meet him. You might actually be turned off.

[neenoo]

I would probably turn down the morning coffee on a working day, making sure he knows why, but without giving him too many details. You feel he kind of forgot about you and it didn't sink in well with you. If he gets the hint, he might want to make up for that somehow. Or disappear completely. I wouldn't want to be screened or scrutinized. I'd ask him if he wants to meet up on a Saturday (provided he doesn't work on Saturdays) or Sunday or another day when he's off. In the afternoon. And if we want to take it further, we could have dinner together and spend part of the night together until when I have to go home. But for all that to happen, you need to know enough about him and be intimate enough with him. And I guess you're not there yet. You don't even know if he has a girlfriend... He's more an acquaintance than a friend.

 

could you say more about this? what i would need to know (about him for intimacy)? Yes I am unsure about how he feels because the behavior is different. But I don't know if the behavior change means he doesn't care. Right now i haven't asked about the gf because I know I am emotionally unpredictable at the moment and don't want to put that on him if he doesn't deserve it.

 

when you said i could treat "The other person can become like an old friend that you can just hear from once in a blue moon, and it won't affect what happened in the past", I am confused because i feel much of the advice is saying that I am not supposed to treat them like an old friend, because i expect my old friends to remember the past and treat me intimately (long, deep talks for example). This seems not ok here. is it simply because the online factor?

Edited January 9, 2014 by neenoo

[FitChick]

I am confused because i feel much of the advice is saying that I am not supposed to treat them like an old friend, because i expect my old friends to remember the past and treat me intimately (long, deep talks for example). This seems not ok here. is it simply because the online factor?

He's not an old friend because you've never met him. He is an acquaintance.

[justwhoiam]

i have specific rules as to what makes me open myself and i thought he fit those criteria.

So, your intuition failed. Or maybe your rules proved not to work. Maybe you can tell what your rules are and what your expectations are when you talk to someone online.

I admit I've always been more easygoing with girls and women online than with men. That's exactly in inverse proportion IRL, where I'm more understanding if I don't hear from a male friend. Odd, isn't it? Maybe, unconsciously, we never really friendzone anyone from the opposite sex online.

 

I think your advice is to start from scratch because the online world is not a whole picture.

I don't know about starting from scratch. Did you open up to him in ways you can say he knows you inside and out? Only you can have that perception, as I don't really know what you used to talk about, how long, when, where, what you used to share... Was he available any time during the week and did he look for you during weekends too? Did he spend with you Fridays and Saturday nights? And even his Sundays?

 

my closest friends (grandted I did meet them and spend time with them in college) have been connected to me by a string of there-for-me talks and i feel they know me and my language.

You can't compare friends near you IRL who later on move far away, they have known you in person, and it will never be a virtual friendship. Unless you stop talking and reconnect after 40 years or so, to the point you barely know whom you're talking to...

 

by the way, i brought up the coffee issue.. does he think im a weirdo?

Maybe. Who knows?

 

He told me a reason i find acceptable that he thought it would be easier. So I'm completely over the coffee thing. As far as letting him know i'm miffed about it

I didn't get anything in this paragraph. Sorry. Maybe you can explain what you meant. It's too cryptic for me.

 

I told him we could wait until he has time

So, what did he say?

 

Im just confused with all this advice, because what basis would i have to meet them if nothing in the past mattered

I never said nothing in the past matters. What I meant is when you're really friend with someone, if you don't hear from him for a couple of months and then he reaches out to you, you might jokingly say: "oh, where have you been all this time?" but you wouldn't be holding a grudge because of that. If you have mixed feelings about it is because he was not just a friend to you.

 

I think any friendship needs as its basis that trust and for me it resides in being able to open up and talk.

And what did he exactly do to lose your trust? Did he post your secrets online? Did he talk evil about you with other people? What?

 

Newly divorced people are a bad risk whether they are your neighbor or thousands of miles away. Wait two or three years, then they are ready for commitment with someone. This guy -- if you only want a pen pal -- meet him. You might actually be turned off.

I think this is worth considering.

 

could you say more about this?

With a morning coffee, he's treating you more as an acquaintance than a friend, with the feeling he doesn't know if you're worth spending more than half an hour. I wouldn't like that. Given all that you said, you'd start out as friends. So I'd want to be treated as such, meeting in one's freetime, etc. Things can go wrong anyway, like you get bored or whatever, and leave after an hour, but at least you had an option to stay longer. So to me, it'd start bad, as you said more like a screening meet up.

 

what i would need to know (about him for intimacy)?

What about your rules? To meet someone from online, I'd need to know everything and anything about them. That would tell a lot about their comfort level and trust in me too. Especially going out with him not knowing if he has a girlfriend or what...

 

Right now i haven't asked about the gf because I know I am emotionally unpredictable at the moment and don't want to put that on him if he doesn't deserve it.

Then maybe he perceived that, if you are moody or flip out for nothing. And all that might have contributed to him leaving you alone.

 

when you said i could treat "The other person can become like an old friend that you can just hear from once in a blue moon, and it won't affect what happened in the past", I am confused because i feel much of the advice is saying that I am not supposed to treat them like an old friend, because i expect my old friends to remember the past and treat me intimately (long, deep talks for example). This seems not ok here. is it simply because the online factor?

Again, as I said previously, if talks stop for a while, when they resume, that break shouldn't affect your friendship. But I guess he's still more boyfriend material to you right now than just a friend.

[neenoo]

 

Maybe. Who knows?

 

this was in response to my writing "does he think im weird" i meant i asked him that question, and he said no, he doesnt think that, but that it was easier since he doesn't have a car (i guess since there are a lot of cafes in walking distance where he is)?

 

I also think the time may or may not be something that's premeditated for him, as he seems llike he's listening to my feedback - i said that i can only meet evenings on the weekdays and free on the weekend. he then asked me the following sunday and then two days later on the evening. I had been busy on the sunday and we didn't nail down a place and time the evening date, i was seeing if he would be open to making an effort to come to where I am although it wasnt that big a deal, it's more just that on the whole i'm not putting forth much, and want to go off his lead.

[neenoo]

He's not an old friend because you've never met him. He is an acquaintance.

 

Hi fitchick, thank you for your input.

 

ok, and to be fair when I meet people from online I do feel a little disoriented as i work to associate their physical being with the experience of talking to them online or on the phone. However if we have shared everything and been free with our feelings, i wouldn't really be shyer than I am with them online (i wouldn't hold anything back).

[neenoo]

So, your intuition failed. Or maybe your rules proved not to work. Maybe you can tell what your rules are and what your expectations are when you talk to someone online.

I admit I've always been more easygoing with girls and women online than with men. That's exactly in inverse proportion IRL, where I'm more understanding if I don't hear from a male friend. Odd, isn't it? Maybe, unconsciously, we never really friendzone anyone from the opposite sex online.

 

I don't know about starting from scratch. Did you open up to him in ways you can say he knows you inside and out? Only you can have that perception, as I don't really know what you used to talk about, how long, when, where, what you used to share... Was he available any time during the week and did he look for you during weekends too? Did he spend with you Fridays and Saturday nights? And even his Sundays?

 

...

 

I didn't get anything in this paragraph. Sorry. Maybe you can explain what you meant. It's too cryptic for me.

 

So, what did he say?

 

I never said nothing in the past matters. What I meant is when you're really friend with someone, if you don't hear from him for a couple of months and then he reaches out to you, you might jokingly say: "oh, where have you been all this time?" but you wouldn't be holding a grudge because of that. If you have mixed feelings about it is because he was not just a friend to you.

 

And what did he exactly do to lose your trust? Did he post your secrets online? Did he talk evil about you with other people? What?

 

...

 

With a morning coffee, he's treating you more as an acquaintance than a friend, with the feeling he doesn't know if you're worth spending more than half an hour. I wouldn't like that. Given all that you said, you'd start out as friends. So I'd want to be treated as such, meeting in one's freetime, etc. Things can go wrong anyway, like you get bored or whatever, and leave after an hour, but at least you had an option to stay longer. So to me, it'd start bad, as you said more like a screening meet up.

 

What about your rules? To meet someone from online, I'd need to know everything and anything about them. That would tell a lot about their comfort level and trust in me too. Especially going out with him not knowing if he has a girlfriend or what...

 

Then maybe he perceived that, if you are moody or flip out for nothing. And all that might have contributed to him leaving you alone.

 

Again, as I said previously, if talks stop for a while, when they resume, that break shouldn't affect your friendship. But I guess he's still more boyfriend material to you right now than just a friend.

 

Hi JustwhoIam, I'm sorry I don't know how to quote properly on this board so I'm going to try to respond to some of the issues througout.

 

re: rules, I try to take care of intuition failing by getting verbal confirmation. For example I said when we meet it will be to see if we will work out romantically and he agreed, for example.

 

We talked almost every day for the better part of a year, about everything, yes, any time of the day and all day. But more importantly it felt very safe in that I really didn't hold anything back and it felt very free on his end too, in that I got a lot of talk about his feelings and life history and answers to my questions about them freely. However when I say his behavior changed this is what was changing. Although when he was dating others he insisted nothing would change in our friendship I didn't feel that exchanges were as free, I think because he would show surprise sometimes when I would ask about the details of his feelings and other things, I can't remember and don't know exactly what it was about the questions that surprised him. But I felt this level of intimacy, even if it no longer exists for him, even for a while now, I felt since we both admitted to it verbally (that we were very close), that I deserved some emotional closure if he lied to me, by telling me this or the reason for his distance.

 

That is also what he did that hurt me, to answer the other question. It hurts every time i get a text or a lack of a phone call that seems to mirror that surprise and lack of freedom and openness we had before. He did say that one of the girls knew about me, and that I knew details about his exes (way before he met me), and I felt some anxiety that I had to monitor what I said during our fights that were going on then (not really a big deal, but you mentioned maybe telling others bad things about me). I felt the distance in general happened with no real letdown for me. As I said before, maybe he didn't owe me an explanation about that in the romantic sense, but since he is trying to reinstate a friendship (i assumed that when he gets in contact), I felt that I could expect to receive some explanation (I'd ask what is wrong, and he would insist nothing. He saw a counselor a few times only, and I told him that I was here and supported him, and just chalked up the distance to working on his issues, and I felt not threatened at all by that. I felt it was probably doing him some good to have reflective alone time). I understand that friends also don't owe each other anything either, but each time he contacts me its a continuation of a friendship, and I can't ignore how close we were in the past, I saw it as a friend giving another beneficial alone time, and expected things to be as open and free each new time we were to talk. Perhaps I could meet up with him as you said with not holding a grudge for disappearing (that he apologized for), but then asking for closure from the romantic situation.. since we're just acquaintances/friends..? heh....

 

I didn't see our relationship as someone using me as a therapist and developing no bond to me, and then when he is healed wakes up and doesn't know who this stranger in his bed is. I think if that's how he felt, I should have been told, apologized to, thanked.. closured out... especially since he knows how I feel about him. I would venture to say i would expect that of an acquaintance too.. if he did me wrong by using me. And wants to continue talking to me.

 

Re the coffee meeting, and my getting over it: I asked him if he thought I was a weirdo or something by asking for coffee, and he replied in a way that I thought was sincere and open, and because i felt that level of emotional openness and kindness, I completely let my issue with that go.

 

But, the behavior right now is still not consistent, if he doesn't answer my text, currently, my heart sinks again. I admit I may be hypersensitive now, though this board is helping me to see different and be less reactive that way. I think you may be right that he's not just a friend to me making me more emotional. If there is something i just "should have got"ten from his behavior re the distancing, let me know.. I feel that we as individuals were able to share so much and be there for each other for so long, and regardless if we were friends or more, I felt that needed closure if he was going to stop it. I would want an explanation from the beginning of the distancing, and I'm not that upset about the period of time not speaking as much as the lack of explanation for the distancing and lack of openness now. I feel that he stopped talking to me for that time because of his gf and because we were raw in our fights then and needed a cool off anyhow.

 

I had some follow up questions for you: Do you still think that coffee is a screening since he explained that he didn't see me as weird and that he is accomodating my availability? And lastly, you said that (i think) if we had a friendship then time apart shouldn't change things... are you saying that since things have changed (in my perception), that we weren't friends? If he is acting normal for a friendship let me know... I know you said earlier he was an acquaintance, but I dont know if my description of our talks could change your opinion (as you also said that I should expect to be treated as a friend from one of the posts of my description of our talks before this one).

 

Ah, and you asked what he said about my suggestion to wait until he has time.. he texted me the next time i said i was available to meet up, but we did not finalize plans that day. I don't think I showed signs of flipping out then, although I texted a few times to his one.

Edited January 12, 2014 by neenoo

[neenoo]

not sure what to do since plans fell through last week and I haven't heard from him. Feeling like I want to lay it all out there for him.. but not sure. I have been holding back, and I"m not sure if thats the same thing as playing a game.

[justwhoiam]

I knew details about his exes (way before he met me)

You mean "met online"? So, how could you? You knew the exes?

 

he knows how I feel about him

How? Close? Or more than that?

 

if he doesn't answer my text, currently, my heart sinks again. I admit I may be hypersensitive now, though this board is helping me to see different and be less reactive that way. I think you may be right that he's not just a friend to me making me more emotional.

You are in a weak position right now, because you clearly have a crush on him. If and when you meet him, try to be positive and smiling, radiating confidence and happiness, etc. Because it's going to be bad if you're around him and attracted to him, but start thinking "we're just friends, he doesn't want me". You'll look quite depressed in his presence, I bet.

 

Do you still think that coffee is a screening since he explained that he didn't see me as weird and that he is accomodating my availability?

I believe him when he says he doesn't think you're weird, but men out there dating don't screen women that way (to find out if they're weird). Maybe some do, but that's not their primary purpose.

 

are you saying that since things have changed (in my perception), that we weren't friends?

No. But it takes two to be friends, and you'd want more.

 

If he is acting normal for a friendship let me know...

Hard to tell, but I don't think he's acting normal for a friendship. He gives me the impression he wants to meet you casually, without putting in too much effort and coldly, so that you don't build up castles in the air.

 

I know you said earlier he was an acquaintance, but I dont know if my description of our talks could change your opinion

You were virtual friends (only online connection) turned to acquaintances (apparently).

 

not sure what to do since plans fell through last week and I haven't heard from him. Feeling like I want to lay it all out there for him.. but not sure. I have been holding back, and I"m not sure if thats the same thing as playing a game.

I guess he might think you're playing games, and men hate that. He gave you two different chances, even a Sunday and you turned him down both times. Where did you go wrong? You told him you could at night on weekdays and during the weekend, without letting him know if on weekend X you were already busy, etc. You made him ask you out again, just to tell him on Sunday you couldn't. I mean you were busy on both days. While you should have told him except this week or next week. You've treated him as a suitor who you want to turn down, or whom you want to play games with.

[neenoo]

Hard to tell, but I don't think he's acting normal for a friendship. He gives me the impression he wants to meet you casually, without putting in too much effort and coldly, so that you don't build up castles in the air.

 

You were virtual friends (only online connection) turned to acquaintances (apparently).

 

I guess he might think you're playing games, and men hate that. He gave you two different chances, even a Sunday and you turned him down both times. Where did you go wrong? You told him you could at night on weekdays and during the weekend, without letting him know if on weekend X you were already busy, etc. You made him ask you out again, just to tell him on Sunday you couldn't. I mean you were busy on both days. While you should have told him except this week or next week. You've treated him as a suitor who you want to turn down, or whom you want to play games with.

 

hey, sorry i didnt see this. So glad you responded.

 

I took some time off of thinking about this but find I'm still missing him and want to meet up.. it may be the case he gave up and is not interested in being my friend again but i'm still struggling with this confusion. If he isn't acting normally as a friend, and just wants to meet up casually, I still have trouble seeing how this could be if he didn't want to be friends. if we werent friends now.

 

regarding the broken chances to meet up, i feel like it would have been presumptuous and more pressuring if i called to tell him I was busy on Saturday if I said I was free on weekends before (a while ago). He asked me that day.

 

At this point, i am willing and wanting to just lay the cards out there on the table because i feel that i still need to put that stamp of finality on it so that I don't keep holding on and being disappointed when he doesnt return my texts (so far just one a few days ago asking how it's going). I'm going to keep waiting for that plan to be finished unless someone says something.

 

Right now i'm going on the assumption that he was scared off by me, maybe thinking/sensing that i am interested (or emotionally charged in some way). this leaves the possibilty that he would want to see me if he felt i wasn't charged this way anymore.

 

So I'm thinking of just sending a text that it would be a shame not to meet up and i consider him a friend, and that i'm free anytime next week if he can meet up. This would still be holding back for me, and since I haven't heard from him for over a week, I feel maybe it would be ok not to hold back and just say that i think its a shame that we cant hang out and be friends because i still appreciate our time together and want to meet him and put a face to all of it, and not have it be a negative end unnecessiarily.

[nomadic_butterfly]

hey, sorry i didnt see this. So glad you responded.

 

I took some time off of thinking about this but find I'm still missing him and want to meet up.. it may be the case he gave up and is not interested in being my friend again but i'm still struggling with this confusion. If he isn't acting normally as a friend, and just wants to meet up casually, I still have trouble seeing how this could be if he didn't want to be friends. if we werent friends now.

 

regarding the broken chances to meet up, i feel like it would have been presumptuous and more pressuring if i called to tell him I was busy on Saturday if I said I was free on weekends before (a while ago). He asked me that day.

 

At this point, i am willing and wanting to just lay the cards out there on the table because i feel that i still need to put that stamp of finality on it so that I don't keep holding on and being disappointed when he doesnt return my texts (so far just one a few days ago asking how it's going). I'm going to keep waiting for that plan to be finished unless someone says something.

 

Right now i'm going on the assumption that he was scared off by me, maybe thinking/sensing that i am interested (or emotionally charged in some way). this leaves the possibilty that he would want to see me if he felt i wasn't charged this way anymore.

 

So I'm thinking of just sending a text that it would be a shame not to meet up and i consider him a friend, and that i'm free anytime next week if he can meet up. This would still be holding back for me, and since I haven't heard from him for over a week, I feel maybe it would be ok not to hold back and just say that i think its a shame that we cant hang out and be friends because i still appreciate our time together and want to meet him and put a face to all of it, and not have it be a negative end unnecessiarily.

 

This situation is unhealthy for you. You need to close this chapter in your life because it is becoming an obsession. You are putting every minute detail under a microscope. It is very clear you see things through a VERY different lens than he did.

 

I think you need to accept that sometimes we just have to let things go and accept the fact that we wont get all the answers to life's mysteries. You need to get over this very REAL fact. I think you might need therapy.

[neenoo]

This situation is unhealthy for you. You need to close this chapter in your life because it is becoming an obsession. You are putting every minute detail under a microscope. It is very clear you see things through a VERY different lens than he did.

 

I think you need to accept that sometimes we just have to let things go and accept the fact that we wont get all the answers to life's mysteries. You need to get over this very REAL fact. I think you might need therapy.

 

i was responding to the detail because it was brought up in question. they are also important to answer because the details matter in a verbal explanation, which is what i'm looking for. a fact of the matter.

 

i think everyone sees through a different lens, and thats what you need words for... what i think this board is for. i think that meeting would be the fastest, most efficient way to communicate what is really going on (as close to an answer as I could get), but as it doesn't seem like that is happening i'd be asking how to close this chapter. "move on by moving on" is hard to understand.. but i think i might be too tired to continue. I do think i have a lot more answers than i had before i started this thread! (thanks to all who responded).

 

I did take a few days off to actively work on other things and felt great, now im back and i found that there were new questions. perhaps it's "my bad" in that i thought these questions were literal.

Edited January 23, 2014 by neenoo

[neenoo]

 

How? Close? Or more than that?

 

You are in a weak position right now, because you clearly have a crush on him. If and when you meet him, try to be positive and smiling, radiating confidence and happiness, etc. Because it's going to be bad if you're around him and attracted to him, but start thinking "we're just friends, he doesn't want me". You'll look quite depressed in his presence, I bet.

 

this helps.

 

im still confused as to where and if im going wrong thinking i was owed something.. given the depth of our conversation (he and i). also, what im getting from what you wrote in the full post above is that, we could have been friends before but now he is interested in meeting an acquaintance and since you have assessed that i still have romantic type feelings for him i am expecting (from wanting) more than acquaintance from him.

 

THis is something that is helping because its explaining to me how someone could act like a close friend and now is not. He was a friend, but now is not. that would match with the actions. and says to me something that would affect whatever text i send if i do. I dont think i have to avoid being truthful about my feelings but to let go of the questions on my face why he doesnt do this that or the other thing as a friend.

[FitChick]

how someone could act like a close friend and now is not. He was a friend, but now is not.

Happens all the time between friends of either sex. Do you still have every friend you ever made in your life thus far? People and circumstances change.

[neenoo]

Happens all the time between friends of either sex. Do you still have every friend you ever made in your life thus far? People and circumstances change.

 

Yes, but he was not any friend. And I was just struggling with the disconnect between whether he was ever a friend or not; I think I'm getting a consensus that he was of that it's not likely he wasn't. I was wondering with the history and way we ended contact if he kind of owed explanation in order to restore things (to be normal circumstance) and whether this not finalizing of plans is because of something more negative (manipulative) than a genuine interest to resume friendship.

[neenoo]

Ok ... so now i guess im wondering how to best let him know that i am letting him go but am sad that we wont be friends? is silence the best way.. or is writing something ok (in that it won't push him away to the point that he can't get the message)

 

im assuming he doesn't want to talk to me right now and either because i scared him off or because of something external.

[justwhoiam]

What about you stop thinking of him? If and when he gets back in touch with you, and should he still be interested in meeting you, you can make yourself available for a meetup, in some public place.

 

I wouldn't go on talking to him as a virtual friend, as it already looks like you invested too much in him emotionally and it'd just hurt you.

[neenoo]

What about you stop thinking of him? If and when he gets back in touch with you, and should he still be interested in meeting you, you can make yourself available for a meetup, in some public place.

 

I wouldn't go on talking to him as a virtual friend, as it already looks like you invested too much in him emotionally and it'd just hurt you.

 

yeah i guess i just feel like if he gets back in touch, i dont want to go through that period of "warming up" or feeling like it's serious.. as it would be hard for me to take requests for meeting as serious. i feel id have the most closure for myself by taking action... do you think that writing something wouldn't be counterproductive (not get the message across). im disappointed.

 

And i'm not sure if this is partly my fault in what i said to scare him?

 

there is something i wanted to invite him to coming up.

Edited January 26, 2014 by neenoo

[justwhoiam]

i dont want to go through that period of "warming up" or feeling like it's serious.. as it would be hard for me to take requests for meeting as serious

I think he wanted to meet you for real, you have no proof he was joking. He was surely putting in the least effort, but ok. It was not a romantic date. Or better, I don't remember he ever asked you out for a real date. Maybe he had to meet you first at least once before asking you out for a date.

 

do you think that writing something wouldn't be counterproductive (not get the message across). im disappointed.

Writing what? For chit-chatting? If he wanted to, he would have contacted you... Unless you want to e-mail him something like:

Hi,

 

I just wanted to make clear that I still want to meet you, in case you thought I was avoiding you or something like that.

 

there is something i wanted to invite him to coming up.

Well, you can just drop him a line, like:

Hi, I'd like to go XXX on ........ Would you like to join me? It might be the the right time we're able to meet!

[neenoo]

I think he wanted to meet you for real, you have no proof he was joking. He was surely putting in the least effort, but ok. It was not a romantic date. Or better, I don't remember he ever asked you out for a real date. Maybe he had to meet you first at least once before asking you out for a date.

 

Writing what? For chit-chatting? If he wanted to, he would have contacted you...

 

writing for my closure since i think he won't be contacting me again. ideally i want to convey to him that i didn't mean any harm by being wary and not dropping everything to meet up with him (i do work) or by whatever pissed him off or scared him during the last convo we had. i just want to meet my friend.. but right now it seems like he doesn't really see it even as a friendship. I would be writing to tell him that i only had the best intentions and he needn't be scared and i think that we should meet. if nothing is said i feel uneasy. and i want to convey the message without pushing him away further so that he blocks the message out.

 

btw, i felt that the evidence for possibly that he wasn't serious was the fact that plans weren't finalized twice.. the first time i thought we were going to meet up that night and he did the same thing, disappear until the next morning and i had to bring it up of what happened.

 

I just feel like now that he hasn't contacted i will feel like i need to warm up because i dont meet up strangers unless its a date.. since i feel like he might not feel friendship now.

Edited January 30, 2014 by neenoo