LaylaSings Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 (edited) I live in a small town. Lived here my whole life, I know everyone here. Me and my married OM run into each other in public often. People in town know that our families are close so it's not at all out of the ordinary for us to be talking. I do wonder though if others can see there is something between us. We were in the same waiting room today for about half hour. Before he got there I was chatting with a few other women from town, when he arrived he gave every one a smile as he walked in but made a point to personally say hello to only me, and sit across from me. I didn't realize until later that once he got there I didn't say anything to anyone but him. I don't even remember who came in after that or when the ladies I had been talking to left, after he got there. Our discussion was small talk, nothing we shouldn't have been talking about but we were both grinning ear to ear, and both very obviously enjoying each other's presence. Before this all started between us I wasn't so suspicious of people, but even back then when I was pretty naive I feel I could still pick out the people who were attracted to one another. I know the common belief among most is that once you have crossed to a physical affair you can't remain friends, his friendship is really something I can't see myself living without. I wonder how many people are whispering about us though, or if I'm just being paranoid? Once when out of town with our families just me and OM and all our kids were out for a meal together. He made a comment that he wondered how many people thought all the kids were ours and we were a family. I still think about that. Do you wonder how people see you? As a couple? A family? Do you like the thought of that if it's strangers, and does it worry you if they are people who know you? Edited January 8, 2014 by LaylaSings Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 It is messy and it is not love or romantic. It is love. I know what it is very well, and I am a smart woman, I know it's messy and wrong. Unnecessary to bring that news home again. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I didn't worry about that in the A as much because we were long distance and most of time saw each other where I lived and where people did not know him, so we could be open. But the times we were together nearer to his stomping grounds I thought about it more. People notice things. It's not easy to pretend not to be romantic with someone. Even if you aren't doing anything overtly obvious, depends on how keen people are they might pick up on it. In a small town where everyone is close and knows everyone it's more likely. But, I do agree with others that you may be being a little more paranoid because you know the truth and people may not be paying as much attention as you're thinking. Yet still, you never really know. If you haven't heard it in the rumor mills yet people may not be talking or if anyone is it hasn't spread. I'm not sure though if it will be possible to keep this a secret forever, the longer it goes on the more time you have to slip up and for people to also take notice. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Layla, I would tend to not be suspicious of an unmarried couple who are laughing and talking in public as opposed to seeing them in a more isolated posture. I do notice men who seem to be hitting on all women all the time. Or women who seem to be always flirting with lots of men. But, don't really notice or identify affair couples. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Layla, I would tend to not be suspicious of an unmarried couple who are laughing and talking in public as opposed to seeing them in a more isolated posture. I do notice men who seem to be hitting on all women all the time. Or women who seem to be always flirting with lots of men. But, don't really notice or identify affair couples. I think in the OP's case the difference is that they seem to live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. I think that's a bit different than if you see a random couple you don't know and don't have any previous knowledge about. Conducting an affair in a big city where you are relatively unknown and people are minding their business is easier than in a town where people all know each other, socialize in the same places, are in the same waiting rooms, know who is married to who and so on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Small town As are like workplace As. I was so sure none of my coworkers knew about my A. I thought he and I did a great job at being secretive. Playing it low. Turns out, most knew. It was more obvious than I thought. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
solostand Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 This happened to us. We were so enthralled with each other we did nothing to hide our relationship. We sat together every day at a regular meeting, often touched, once even held hands. It was like we were getting off on it. After the meeting, we would go immediately to his truck if we weren't going off to have sex at my place. We would sit in his truck for hours, hug, kiss, didn't really care who saw us. Our theory was "Unless they see us having sex, they don't know anything". Also, our motto: "Its nobody's business. We're just friends". Well, stupid. Of course one day BS best friend told her what was going on and suspected there was something inappropriate between us. I think BS knows now but is either in denial or still gathering evidence. Over Christmas his grown daughter said to him "mom thinks you have a girlfriend" and named me and questioned him about phone calls et cetera. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I'm from a tiny town in the Midwest farm country. The church ladies, Nosey Nellies and all the townies knew what you were going to do before you did. They not only know what you did, they knew what you were going to do before you even did it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I wonder how many people are whispering about us though, or if I'm just being paranoid? People have their own lives to worry about, but like another poster said, it only takes one person to wonder. I would ask you, though: does it matter to you? What would the effects be of someone wondering about the two of you? Would you change anything? Once when out of town with our families just me and OM and all our kids were out for a meal together. He made a comment that he wondered how many people thought all the kids were ours and we were a family. I still think about that. That's very common. I've taken my son on playdates in public places with other kids and their moms, and countless times people think we're a family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 People have their own lives to worry about, but like another poster said, it only takes one person to wonder. I would ask you, though: does it matter to you? What would the effects be of someone wondering about the two of you? Would you change anything? . People do have their own lives to worry about. This has been going on for years and I've never been very worried about people being suspicious because we are friends and I didn't ever see anything odd about us being friendly in public. I just noticed yesterday it was very intense and that it seemed like once he entered the room every one else faded into the background for me. It got me thinking what the two of us must look like from the outside. Would I change anything? Of course. I very much think things need to change soon, I am just not sure yet how to do that or if I'm ready to change things yet. I don't want too. I'll need to get myself to a place to want to, in order to be successful. I know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I think if it's a small town where everyone knows you, and has known you, the likelihood of someone noticing changes in your demeanor around another man are high. And you're doubling those chances if it's a man who is also known well around town. I'm not sure what advice you're looking for, though. Someone probably has a clue. You don't want to hear someone tell you to end it, so......what do you want to hear? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 I think if it's a small town where everyone knows you, and has known you, the likelihood of someone noticing changes in your demeanor around another man are high. And you're doubling those chances if it's a man who is also known well around town. I'm not sure what advice you're looking for, though. Someone probably has a clue. You don't want to hear someone tell you to end it, so......what do you want to hear? Oh it's not that I want to hear or don't want to hear certain things. I just already know that I should end it so it seems pointless to hear it again and again. I'm not someone who will try and convince anyone I am safe and can't get caught, I know what we are doing is wrong. I know we could be discovered. I know we need to try and stop but I am not someone who can cut myself off cold turkey and not end up right back bingeing later.. If I try to end it before I'm ready, it won't take. I need to be stronger, I need to figure out what I really want. From this forum, I just wanted to hear from like minded people I supposes, for the situation I'm in. I thought posting in this section was appropriate for that, I didn't want to post in infidelity or the marriage section and ruffle feathers, because I know many people there were betrayed and I am not trying to upset anyone. I just have nobody to talk to who is unbiased in my real life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaSings Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 Advice I could use is how do I line up what I know is true about both men, with how I feel about them? I know they are ultimately both bad for me. But I continue to love them both. Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I've lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone both professionally and socially. Gossip was rampant, but the people being gossiped about were always the last to know, but eventually, it got back to their ears. In the case of an A, since people knew everyone and tended to know their personality and behaviors, they would quickly notice when something was out of the ordinary. it would be discussed ( especially if it had been a group that saw the behavior) and it always seemed to eventually get back to the bs. This was especially true if the a partners were seen to be "flaunting it". Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I live in a small town. Lived here my whole life, I know everyone here. Me and my married OM run into each other in public often. People in town know that our families are close so it's not at all out of the ordinary for us to be talking. I do wonder though if others can see there is something between us. We were in the same waiting room today for about half hour. Before he got there I was chatting with a few other women from town, when he arrived he gave every one a smile as he walked in but made a point to personally say hello to only me, and sit across from me. I didn't realize until later that once he got there I didn't say anything to anyone but him. I don't even remember who came in after that or when the ladies I had been talking to left, after he got there. Our discussion was small talk, nothing we shouldn't have been talking about but we were both grinning ear to ear, and both very obviously enjoying each other's presence. Before this all started between us I wasn't so suspicious of people, but even back then when I was pretty naive I feel I could still pick out the people who were attracted to one another. I know the common belief among most is that once you have crossed to a physical affair you can't remain friends, his friendship is really something I can't see myself living without. I wonder how many people are whispering about us though, or if I'm just being paranoid? Once when out of town with our families just me and OM and all our kids were out for a meal together. He made a comment that he wondered how many people thought all the kids were ours and we were a family. I still think about that. Do you wonder how people see you? As a couple? A family? Do you like the thought of that if it's strangers, and does it worry you if they are people who know you? What I wonder is if because MM is 15 years older than I am and looks his age, whereas I easily pass for several years younger is do people think we are father and daughter? I have a half sibling who hated going out with me when they were 20 something because everyone would ask them, "is this your daughter?". Half sibling is around MM age. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I think about it sometimes when MM and I are out to eat. It doesn't happen often, but that's really the only time we are in public together other than the few occasions that I've picked him up from work and dropped him back off a few hours later. I think the latter is more risky simply because that's a building full of people that know him and know there's a girl picking him up and dropping him off. I don't think most know his W, though so it may be a non-issue. When we're out to eat, I mainly look around wondering if anyone knows him that might see him and report back to the W. He has a lot of family and friends in this county and the ones surrounding, as well as lots of customers that know him (though wouldn't know he was married necessarily). I know that if someone said something to his W, he would just blow it off as a lunch with an old friend (since she does sort of know me, he'd tell her who it was even). I don't think she'd be suspicious that it was anything more than lunch unless she already was so. I'm completely single, my friends and family know I'm dating so I wouldn't care if someone saw me. None of my friends/family know him and I would introduce him as my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 (edited) OK, after a period of closing, we retained the most relevant and conforming of the responses and handed out few reminders and banned a few members. Now, folks, and I state this seriously, if you're going to post in these threads, address the topic, in this case asking if people in affairs wondered how people see us. The operative parameter is 'people in affairs'. Each of these threads is not a soapbox opportunity to hurl insults and anti-affair rhetoric. All that will do is get you banned and we now track background information and proactively ban people who attempt to reregister. Site owner is serious about this. Get it together. You're all on notice. And no 'self-moderating' by anyone. Use the 'alert us' link. Thanks. Ok, we're done here. Edited January 9, 2014 by William Re-opened thread. Link to post Share on other sites
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