Hanging out with an ex (who dumped me) again... Now what?

[counterpart]

Just to give a bit of a backstory first:

 

We're both in mid-20s, we dated for three years. This June, my ex broke up with me seemingly out of the blue, only to send me a long message the next morning, detailing her decade-long struggles with depression. She said she attempted to make a clean slate, but realised she's made a big mistake. This was the first time she spoke about it and I was shocked because I had no idea. I said I was there for her, however, and we resumed our relationship. However, after this, self-doubt started creeping in and we were both really tense and the summer was our all-time low. She ended up breaking up with me in September, saying that she no longer felt in love and we've been broken up since.

 

 

The first month was awful and she kept going between avoiding me and contacting me frequently. She even admitted she cut herself during this period. I could no longer take it and I initiated NC for two weeks. During this time, I started reading up on depression and consulted a psychologist before deciding to contact my ex again. I told her that I was there for her if she needed me, and we started spending more time together.

 

I now realise that our biggest issue was the lack of quality communication. What could have been minor issues ended up snowballing (go figure!) and messed with both of our heads. We're hanging out again and these issues are very slowly surfacing at last and it's good to be able to clear them out. I have a feeling that she's been more relaxed around me lately and our hangouts feel fun again.

 

But she still gets very tense and is prone to snapping at me without a warning. We've been hanging out more often lately and she's been initiating contact as well, but I can't figure out if there's a possibility of our reconciliation or if she's just using me as an emotional crutch until someone better comes along.

 

I ran into my ex's good friend recently and she told me that, just before she broke up with me, my ex said she felt pressured because she felt responsible for my happiness (or lack thereof). But she assured me that my ex did not break up with me over someone else.

 

Still, I honestly feel like I'm on uncharted territory. I have no idea how to proceed - should I keep hanging out with my ex? Or is it better to stay away and try my luck with someone else, eventually? Any wise words would be golden right now, I'm trying to be rational but it's near impossible from my current perspective.

[Clubber100]

I think a lot of people on here will tell you to forget her and move on, seeing as how depression is a tough dynamic to work with in a significant other.

 

From personal experience, I have had a similar situation in the past. I am a little younger than you, but I had something similar happen, and was unsure with how to proceed. Ultimately, this is your choice. You have to evaluate what she means to you and what you hope to get out of it. You seem to have identified the problem in communication, which is important, though you say she snaps still. You have to ask yourself if the anger she sends at you is warranted sometimes or if it is unfair and you have to ask yourself, and possibly her, what she is hoping to get out of it.

 

I won't advise you one way or the other for how to proceed because I have been there and it is tough. Walking on eggshells and uncertainty is never fun and can be consuming and hard, but if you believe that there are brighter days ahead, maybe its worth it to hang in there. It is up to you but I would definitely use some deep reflection on the situation as a whole and decide what she means to you and what you are willing to deal with, as well as what you aren't willing to accept.

 

Best of luck either way.

[InnocentMan]

You should tread carefully with someone who has serious depression, which I'm assuming she has, as she has been 'fighting it' for 10 years. Is she getting continued help for this? If she is cutting herself, she certainly should be.

 

In my experience, people with serious, long-term depression, make for very challenging partners, as well as being very unpredictable. I find it hard to believe you were with her for 3 years, and didn't notice. It's not an illness that's easily hidden.

 

Expect the unexpected, and you'll be fine.

[counterpart]

I think a lot of people on here will tell you to forget her and move on, seeing as how depression is a tough dynamic to work with in a significant other.

 

From personal experience, I have had a similar situation in the past. I am a little younger than you, but I had something similar happen, and was unsure with how to proceed. Ultimately, this is your choice. You have to evaluate what she means to you and what you hope to get out of it. You seem to have identified the problem in communication, which is important, though you say she snaps still. You have to ask yourself if the anger she sends at you is warranted sometimes or if it is unfair and you have to ask yourself, and possibly her, what she is hoping to get out of it.

 

I won't advise you one way or the other for how to proceed because I have been there and it is tough. Walking on eggshells and uncertainty is never fun and can be consuming and hard, but if you believe that there are brighter days ahead, maybe its worth it to hang in there. It is up to you but I would definitely use some deep reflection on the situation as a whole and decide what she means to you and what you are willing to deal with, as well as what you aren't willing to accept.

 

Best of luck either way.

First of all, thank you for offering your perspective and for the kind wishes

 

She tends to snap when I'm trying to be extra considerate - I suppose she detects my behaviour and it triggers her frustration because she does not want to be treated like something is wrong with her. It's a slippery slope, because she's very sensitive right now, and she's also quick to interpret my behaviour as inconsiderate when she's in a situation she is not comfortable with. But sometimes, these situations motivate her to open up about what was truly bothering her, so being able to talk it out helps relieve some of the pressure, one bit at a time.

 

That's how I see it, and I hope I'm not wrong about it. Two days ago we hung out and she even sang with me, something that she never was comfortable with before. It was great fun and I'm hoping a couple more hangouts like those will show her that we can still have fun together and work things out.

[Babolat]

Is she in counseling?

 

She has taken step 1, recognition, now she needs to seek professional help. If she is not, I would move on. Be a friend, if you can, but move on.

 

If she does seek professional help, I would still just be friends, until you see some real changes.

[BC1980]

I'm really surprised you didn't notice something over 3 years. She must be very good at hiding it. I think the main issue here is that she needs to work on herself and get to a stable place before she can be a good partner. I've seen a lot of threads where people tend to get fed up with their partner's mental illness. What inevitably happens is that one tries to "fix" the other. They really think they can help and pull them out of depression. I think that if you stick around, you will eventually get overwhelmed by her if she is not working on getting help.

 

I struggled with depression and an eating disorder in college over 10 years ago, and it really is difficult. Luckily, I was able to get the right meds and therapy, which worked wonders. I'm now not on any meds, so it can be done. However, the person has to really want it and be dedicated to helping themselves. Ultimately, it's a battle she will have to fight, but I would not support her as anything other than a friend right now.

[counterpart]

You should tread carefully with someone who has serious depression, which I'm assuming she has, as she has been 'fighting it' for 10 years. Is she getting continued help for this? If she is cutting herself, she certainly should be.

 

In my experience, people with serious, long-term depression, make for very challenging partners, as well as being very unpredictable. I find it hard to believe you were with her for 3 years, and didn't notice. It's not an illness that's easily hidden.

 

Expect the unexpected, and you'll be fine.

She said that she suffered from depression for a decade, but it's not always as bad as it is right now. She's about to get her degree, but she's unhappy with her career choice (although she already got a job) and I guess it added to the pressure. I know she described elementary school and high school as hell, but she did not really go into details and for the first year or so of our relationship, there were no signs of depression. I guess she was trying to hide it, but in hindsight, there were certainly signs of her depression and social anxiety, I just chalked them up to bad moods since she never seemed to acknowledge it herself :/

 

 

 

Is she in counseling?

 

She has taken step 1, recognition, now she needs to seek professional help. If she is not, I would move on. Be a friend, if you can, but move on.

 

If she does seek professional help, I would still just be friends, until you see some real changes.

Nope, she isn't. That's the worst part, in my opinion, because she really needs a professional therapist to point out the issues to her and to challenge her self-sabotaging ways. I talked to her about my own conversation with a psychologist regarding the situation and she seemed interested, but she said she wanted to "exhaust all other options" before seeing a therapist... I guess breaking up was one of the 'options'. This was a while ago, so I'll try to have a serious conversation with her soon and hopefully get her to talk to someone.

[counterpart]

I'm really surprised you didn't notice something over 3 years. She must be very good at hiding it. I think the main issue here is that she needs to work on herself and get to a stable place before she can be a good partner. I've seen a lot of threads where people tend to get fed up with their partner's mental illness. What inevitably happens is that one tries to "fix" the other. They really think they can help and pull them out of depression. I think that if you stick around, you will eventually get overwhelmed by her if she is not working on getting help.

 

I struggled with depression and an eating disorder in college over 10 years ago, and it really is difficult. Luckily, I was able to get the right meds and therapy, which worked wonders. I'm now not on any meds, so it can be done. However, the person has to really want it and be dedicated to helping themselves. Ultimately, it's a battle she will have to fight, but I would not support her as anything other than a friend right now.

BC1980, thank you for replying. Like I said in a reply to InnocentMan, during the first year of our relationship and a good part of the second, there were no signs of depression. There was an issue every now and then that, in hindsight, I can tell was triggered by her social anxiety and depression, but I just shrugged it off as bad mood. She started getting cold, distant and irritable in the past year, which coincided with her wrapping up her degree and getting a new job in the field she is not happy with. I did sense something was wrong, but she never acknowledged it when I tried asking in the past. It was very frustrating because she would clam up or get really stingy when confronted about her behaviour because I had no idea what was wrong - and yet, I knew that something was definitely off.

 

She told me when we started talking again that she does not want to be in any kind of relationship with anyone until she sorts herself out and that's perfectly fair. I just wish I knew if she was now hanging out with me out of habit, or because she actually cares for me.

[counterpart]

Well, just for a quick update, she invited me to see a movie with her tonight and we chatted a bit last night. If she's in a good mood afterwards, I might suggest drinks. We'll see how it goes, wish me luck y'all.

[AlexfromBoston]

Counterpart...if you decide to meet up with her, it is important that you refrain from bringing up the past, nor should you pressure her for a future together. Remember how you behaved and acted the first few times you were together...well mimic that behavior. Imagine if on your first date you started talking about a "relationship" with her...she would have un for the hills. Well pushing for a relationship at this stage is a similar poison. Start things off fresh and it could very well feel like a new relationship.

[counterpart]

Well, we did go see a movie. She was half an hour late because she got the time wrong, but the movie we were going to see was sold out anyway so we went to see another one. It was ok. After the movie, we went to get coffee and chatted for about an hour. We walked home together.

 

We're going to see another movie on Tuesday, and before that she suggested a quick dinner (I have classes beforehand). Today she contacted me on facebook once in the afternoon, we chatted some, then she asked me to download a movie for her in the evening. I suggested we watch it together, she agreed, but she still wants me to copy it for her.

 

 

 

 

Now, this is where I'm confused and don't know how to proceed. I can see her online on facebook almost every night until 2am. Clearly she's chatting with someone regularly. Now, she's been mentioning a highschool friend lately and I think that's who she's talking to. Mind you, she hasn't mentioned this friend more than a handful of times during our relationship, she basically said they used to hang out because they listened to the same music. This friend got a Facebook account in August and my ex added her on last.fm in October. She mentioned that they went to see a band together because the friend had tickets. This show was in November. When we went for coffee last week, this friend was also at the same cafe bar (a coincidence, I picked the place) and my ex just waved at the friend, she did not go over to say hi.

 

You see, I'm suspicious. I guess it could be just that my ex is reconnecting with an old friend now that she's single and needs some company. But when I add it all up, I just can't help but suspect that my ex is stringing me along and trying to get into this "friend's" pants. It makes me really anxious, especially with late-night chats. I even wonder if she wants to watch this movie she asked me to download with this "friend".

 

So, she's either a massive bitch who is stringing me along while getting it on (or working on it!) with someone else, she may have even been cheating on me for all I know, or she's perhaps just reconnecting with an old friend and that's all there is to it. I don't know that. But I'm close to snapping and just asking her... except, she'll probably lie if it's true and I'll seem like a paranoid freak if it's not. But either way, it's just looming over my head whenever I think about her.

[pickflicker]

If she's stringing you along, it's only because you are letting her. She's free to do whatever, and speak to whomever she wants - she's single, and she has made no promises to you.

 

If you don't like the status of the relationship, change it, or move on.

[counterpart]

If she's stringing you along, it's only because you are letting her. She's free to do whatever, and speak to whomever she wants - she's single, and she has made no promises to you.

 

If you don't like the status of the relationship, change it, or move on.

 

Pickflicker, you're right. Do you reckon it's time to talk to her, or just let this stupid thing go on? Just to make things clear, I do NOT intend to be here as an emotional crutch and escort her into the next relationship.

 

You know what? **** it, I think I'm done. My gut instinct tells me something is going on and I think it's time to honor it.

[pickflicker]

Pickflicker, you're right. Do you reckon it's time to talk to her, or just let this stupid thing go on? Just to make things clear, I do NOT intend to be here as an emotional crutch and escort her into the next relationship.

 

You know what? **** it, I think I'm done. My gut instinct tells me something is going on and I think it's time to honor it.

 

Just walk away. If she wants you, she'll say so. If not, then not.

[counterpart]

Thank you for being the voice of reason for me tonight. You're absolutely right, and I already know the answer to that. It's a big fat no.

 

Time to walk away.

 

One thing, though - since we made plans for Tuesday, do you reckon I should still go or just drop it? And if I go, should I talk to her about this or just leave? I honestly do not want her if she's getting ready to f*ck somebody else. The magic is gone.

[pickflicker]

Thank you for being the voice of reason for me tonight. You're absolutely right, and I already know the answer to that. It's a big fat no.

 

Time to walk away.

 

One thing, though - since we made plans for Tuesday, do you reckon I should still go or just drop it? And if I go, should I talk to her about this or just leave? I honestly do not want her if she's getting ready to f*ck somebody else. The magic is gone.

 

 

You're very welcome.

 

Just shoot her a quick text re: your plans on Tuesday, that says "Hi, sorry, can't make it Tuesday, something came up." That's all you need to say and don't reply to any texts from her. After that, just leave it, and see how she reacts.

 

Post here before attempting any further interaction with her after you cancel Tuesday. Good luck.

[counterpart]

The only problem is that we have lectures together on Tuesday and Thursday evening so I'll have to see her then. I can switch to a different group, but this one fits my schedule better. Also, if I do it, it will be very obvious that I'm avoiding her... not sure if it's a good thing or not?

[pickflicker]

The only problem is that we have lectures together on Tuesday and Thursday evening so I'll have to see her then. I can switch to a different group, but this one fits my schedule better. Also, if I do it, it will be very obvious that I'm avoiding her... not sure if it's a good thing or not?

 

Hmmm... that's a tricky one. I feel that if you can manage it, switching would be an excellent idea.

[counterpart]

Well, these past two weeks have been... eventful?

 

I spoke to my ex about this random person and she was taken aback that I'd think something's going on... apparently, she is offended that I would think she's even looking for someone right now. She told me she absolutely does not want a relationship right now, that she's just looking for distractions from her depression and self-hatred. She even told me that she's not sure she's ready to do something about her depression because it's been a part of her for so long that she's not sure if she even has a separate identity.

 

She avoided me for a week after this, but then she contacted me again this Monday and invited me for coffee. She said she wants to move out and spoke of her mother and the ways she's been controlling and stalking her since her early childhood. She was very tense and upset that day.

 

She asked me to hang out again yesterday, and we went for drinks and had fun. We ended up spending over four hours together and went for a walk in the snow. But even so, she kept checking her facebook frequently, even though it's something that used to get me in trouble with her many times before.

 

I don't know... it's crazy because she's clearly not willing or able to be in a relationship right now, and yet she does not want to leave me alone. I'm having a hard time deciding if she's just ****ed up and doing as best as she can, or if she's just a mean scheming bitch just stringing me along. I just don't know.

[BC1980]

This sounds like a total waste of your time. She's just using you at her convenience. What exactly does she want? If seems like she just wants a buddy to hang out with when she feels like it.

[counterpart]

Ugh, thought so, just wanted a second opinion. It's so annoying precisely because, like, what the heck do you want from me now?! Is it not enough that she dumped me, do I have to go through this ***** as well?

 

It's even dumber because I no longer want to be with her, and yet I keep agreeing to meet up. But seriously, with the way she acts she just keeps proving that she's not someone who is worth it. She's endlessly inconsiderate and unwilling to take responsibility for her problems, instead pinning her flaws to her depression so that she doesn't have to do anything about it. I think - no, I know that I will do myself a world of good if I cut contact, and yet I keep delaying that final cut :/

[BC1980]

Something that struck me was her saying that she doesn't want help for her depression because it's a part of her identity. That is so unhealthy. I really would not see her again at this point.

 

Are you sure you don't want to get back with her? At least on some level? Are you hoping she will change, so it can work? I'm wondering about your motivation for hanging out with her even when you sound like you would rather not or at least feel that it isn't beneficial.

[counterpart]

I don't want to be with her if she keeps refusing therapy, and I can't force her to seek help if she's not ready. On some level, I am still somewhat hopeful, but what good could possibly come out of being with someone who won't take responsibility for themselves? Even if she magically changed her mind somehow, I know it would not make me happy because I would still be bracing myself for the next crisis of hers. Her tried and tested modus operandi includes ditching all emotional connections when the going gets tough. As much as I care for her, that's no way of going through life... that much I know.

 

So, if we'd ever be anywhere near the reconciliation territory, I'd have to see some changes, and all I see is that she's in too deep to admit she's in too deep :/

 

 

(of course, my heart still hasn't reached the same level of mature reasoning that my mind did, so I still agree to hang out... damnit!)

[counterpart]

oh wow, what a c-word. i heard of someone with a great apartment looking for a flatmate and just forwarded her the link to it... since she said she's looking for a new place. she says she likes it, asks me a question about the bills. i tell her the average and wish her luck with the apartment quest. while i was typing this, she 'jokingly' tells me to stfu now because she's listening to some new album. i reply with wow, thanks, and now she's acting all pissy because i got offended by her 'joke'. just...wow.

[counterpart]

...now she's changed her mind and she's apologizing. what the actual f-?